7 Tips To Navigate The Dating Scene While Celibate
Without a doubt, celibacy was the best decision I've ever made. I gave far too much of myself in my last relationship, and when it started to deteriorate I made a promise that moving forward, I wouldn't compromise my morals for a man again. I walked into my relationship happy, and eager to have sex with a man I loved, but I walked out broken using my body as a means to keep us together when I knew years before, it was time to leave.
Ultimately, taking sex off the table altogether was the only way I knew I'd keep my word because I'd be setting boundaries with the next man from the door.
But the beautiful thing about celibacy is that it's taught me so much more than just how to abstain from sex and toxic men. It's brought me closer to God, given me immense self-control, confidence, and it's allowed me to tap into talents inside myself; I never knew I had. What hasn't come as easy in the journey is dating. Because let's be real, your dating pool decreases significantly and the ability to stay strong requires discipline. What's great though about what being celibate in 2020, is that it's slowly is becoming a lifestyle that's embraced in the mainstream with celebrity couples such as Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin, Ciara and Russell Wilson, and Chance The Rapper and Kirsten Corley. Even television shows are joining in by displaying characters like Nia from Lena Waithe's Twenties, David from Boomerang, and real-life couples discussing their journey on the hit TV show Black Love Doc.
So if you're considering celibacy, or you're celibate by force thanks to Rona, keep these tips in mind to help you tap into some self-control and, withstand your new normal.
1. Know your triggers.
Most people who are celibate will tell you to be mindful of what you watch and listen to, and they're right, but you should also ask yourself what triggers you specifically. Masturbation and watching porn are a no for me (because it was important for me to completely surrender to the process), but I can have drinks at the club with my girls, listen to R&B music (in moderation), and not be tempted at all. But dating a man who's consistent, baby, that can trigger me to want to be all in, and sex is the closest you can be with someone. Realizing what would cause me to go from playing "My Goodies" to "Body Party" helped me navigate those moments with men much easier because I was prepared.
2. When it gets hard, remember your why.
Sexual frustration is a real thing, and it can get to you if you aren't reminding yourself of the long-term goal. There are days where I want to just say forget this and have sex, but then I had to be real and ask myself, "Is sex worth me compromising what I know is important to me?" While it might seem like a moment to give in to something that feels good, you'll soon realize that it's actually self-sabotage, and you learn to avoid those moments because you see them from afar off. And because my celibacy is rooted in Christianity, I remember what my life looked like when I wasn't listening to God, and it didn't result in happiness.
3. Once you know you really like someone, tell them.
The question of when do you tell someone you're celibate is always something people who are new to this lifestyle ask me. The answer is there is no perfect time, but I'd say that once you know you're really interested, be upfront with them. It's a scary conversation to have because the reality is they may not be up for the challenge, but you don't need every person you meet to be open to celibacy - you need the one person that's for you to be on board.
4. Get an accountability partner(s) you can be vulnerable with.
Whenever I meet someone new, I make sure that I talk with my godsister and my best friend more than ever. They remind me of my triggers, give me the advice to stay committed, and if I get a little too close to a man, they call me out on it. It's also important to mention that both of these women aren't celibate, they just love me enough to support my decisions (I say that because many people feel like you need celibate friends and, while it's good to have them, your friends should support your journey period.)
5. Be prepared to get ghosted.
This journey is not for everyone so more often than not; you'll find that men will ghost you. My first year of celibacy, there was a guy trying to date me and I wasn't ready at all, but he was so persistent I gave it a shot. The second he found out I was celibate, that man was Casper; but it was a valuable lesson for me, and it gave me thick skin. Ultimately you don't want to spend years of your life with someone that has no intentions on marrying you so, while it hurts at first, getting ghosted is actually a good thing. Now when men run, I get excited because all that means is I'm one step closer to meeting the man that thinks I'm worthy of waiting for - my husband.
6. Read 'The Wait'.
The Wait, a book written by Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin on their celibacy journey, was the cheat sheet I needed to understand what this life would entail. If I'm honest, it's the reason why I'm celibate as it came out around the time I decided I would really change my life. The book covered everything I needed to know from controlling sexual urges, bouncing back if you slip up, discovering your purpose before marriage, healing from past relationship trauma; it was one of the best books I've ever read. What I loved most about it was they addressed celibacy from the perspective of a woman and a man.
7. Once things get serious, establish boundaries with your partner.
Once you meet someone willing to wait with you, you'll need to establish rules and specify what works for the two of you. Some couples don't go over each other's houses past a certain time, avoid the bedroom, or refrain from kissing each other in certain areas. Ultimately only you and your partner know what gets you hot and bothered, so once you're committed to being together, you need to be honest about what you need in order to make abstaining work.
Bonus: Celebrate the self-control you've tapped into.
Celibacy has taught me that if I can control my sexual desires, there's nothing I can't do. Establishing discipline in my sex life has allowed me to better decide what I eat, who I spend my time with, and what I work toward because my mindset is different. This lifestyle isn't easy, but the benefits are rewarding and, if you're focused, there's nothing you can't accomplish, including finding the love of your life.
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Dubbed one of the "21 Black Women Wellness Influencers You Should Follow" by Black + Well, Yasmine Jameelah continues to leave her digital footprint across platforms ranging from Forever 21 Plus, Vaseline, and R29 Unbothered discussing all things healing and body positivity. As a journalist, her writing can be found on sites such as Blavity, Blacklove.com, and xoNecole. Jameelah is also known for her work shattering unconventional stigmas surrounding wellness through her various mediums, including her company Transparent Black Girl. Find Yasmine @YasmineJameelah across all platforms.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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