Recently, I slightly broke my celibacy rule by almost engaging in a random hookup.
It's as if the universe had to teach me one last lesson for me to realize that my divine counterpart will be signed, sealed, and delivered to me, and not the other way around. For the last several weeks, I have been experiencing a heightened sense of my future lover nearing closer. After writing a letter to my future soulmate, the energy between us has amplified. I have been receiving signs and synchronicities left and right, including lucid dreams and angel numbers 222 and 333.
One day a couple weeks ago, it was nonstop.
That day, I met up with my sister for dinner, and I spotted this fine, locs-wearing man with a milk chocolate complexion and a caramel swirl skin undertone. He had a slim muscular model build, and soft brown eyes. He looked my way, and our eyes locked. I couldn't help noticing him, noticing me, notice him. Later on, he had an older friend join him. I'm not the type to hit on every attractive man I see, but part of me thought that maybe I was meant to meet him because of the heavy energies I had been feeling. I went back and forth with my sister about whether I should leave him with my card. By the end of our dinner, I decided to be slick and leave my card on the table near his plate while he went to the restroom and his friend was on a phone call outside.
As my sister and I paid and walked out, the older friend tried to smooth talk us into staying, and having a drink with him and Mister Locs. Though I was intrigued by his offer, I also didn't want to have to entertain him and the look on my boo'd up sister's face was as if she were already over it! In order to catalyze the end of this conversation, I let him know that I left my business card on the table, and maybe next time. This quickly shortened the smooth talk and we went our separate ways. A few moments later, the older friend yelled out from across the street, and mouthed, "I need this, I'll call you," (referring to my tarot healing service on my business card.)
I awkwardly smiled, then cursed inwardly, realizing that my plan failed and now the short thirsty friend thought the card was for him! I became anxious over whether or not the guy I had been eyeing would be the one to get the card, or if his friend would be a player hater and keep it. Once my sister and I got in, we laughed about the mix up, as I resentfully wished we had gone back. Minutes later, I received a text inviting us back out. I awkwardly discovered that the guy who the card was meant for was the one who received it! Hyped, I puppy dog-eyed my sis for us to go meet them. Reluctantly, she gave in, though she was highly annoyed that she'd have to entertain the thirsty one.
We met up and found the two guys there, and they ordered the table another round of drinks. 30 minutes in, my sister's eyeballs were in a constant state of rolling, and mine we're in a constant state of staring into my guy's beautiful, magic carpet ass eyes. We really were connecting. In retrospect, I'm absolutely salty because this guy surely threw me for a loop! He seemed smart, woke, and down to earth. Though there were a few little red flags in our conversation, like an amateur, I surely overlooked them.
By the end of our rendezvous, I made a uncharacteristic choice to go chill at his house, and this is when the twilight zone begun. I did not expect that we'd get intimate right away, especially because my celibacy rule was still in place and my sacral garden of Eden was due for landscaping. I honestly wanted to chill, and learn more about him.
The first red flag was when he ordered an Uber, and forgot to put in two riders. I should have hightailed it right then and there, but I was still enamored. We ended up walking to his house, which was not very far away. As soon as I walked into his room, it reminded me of my ex boyfriend of five years, from our college days. Second red flag. I don't want to be judgmental, but it did not give me "grown man" vibes.
In this moment, he begin to change his tune. He put on some Bob Marley (of course,) and offered me a Modelo. I thought we were going to continue our engaging conversation, until I realized he was giving me the eyes. He went to retrieve the Modelo, and came back with a half empty but chilled bottle of Hennessy, and in my mind I knew that he was trying to get things moving, as he took a healthy swig.
For a few minutes, there were crickets in my ear until he offered to give me a massage. As I gave him a smirk, I noticed that he already had a golden condom sitting on the side table. Third red flag! I quickly scolded him and sheepishly, he moved the condom aside, as if I didn't just see it sitting there. I really should have just gotten up then and there because I knew where this was going, and I wasn't ready. Still, I thought, A massage would be nice...
Wrong! After taking my shirt off and lying down for a massage, he disrespectfully damn near spilled half the jar of coconut oil on my back, staining my biker shorts. His technique was all wrong, and as I lied on my stomach, feeling like a wet seal, I turned my head to the left and noticed that, the boy had drunk more than half of my Modelo! It was straight out of a comedy!
I rose up from lying down as he began to softly kiss my neck. For about five seconds, I indulged and he started unbuckling his belt. I stopped him and told him I had to use the bathroom. Out of nowhere, his male roommate popped out of the restroom and startled me. I clutched the towel closer to my chest, making sure I was covered as Mister Locs yelled out, "It's okay, he's gay!"
Once I got into the bathroom, I had an Issa Rae moment as I looked into my reflection in the mirror, wondering what the fuck I was doing! I scoffed at the coconut oil stain on my shorts, and I was annoyed that he unwarrantedly yelled out the sexual orientation of his roommate, as if it mattered! I had decided that I needed to leave in that moment.
As I went back into his room, he was back at his mission to seduce me. My muscles began to soften, and my common sense began to check out. Had it been that long of me not getting any action, that I was this weak?!
One thing led to another, and we were both naked.
All throughout the foreplay, which greatly consisted of me trying to get his "Hennessy d**k up, my mind was fighting with my body. His body felt good against mine, even though his package wasn't fully erect. I fantasized about doing this with someone who meant more to me. I closed my eyes and pretended he was my future lover.
He put his wack ass Lifestyle condom on, and in what seemed like a 1-2 motion, he flipped me over, and penetrated me from behind. His uncircumcised penis wasn't even at full attention, and nothing is worse than a hasty snack, with a semi-soft Johnson, attempting to show me what he's made of. After 30 lackluster seconds, I pushed him out and away from me, and he removed the condom.
How could someone so fine be so inadequate?
I refused to be a sexual object. The whole reason I chose to be celibate to begin with was to avoid mixing my energy with a low frequency man only looking to sexually dominate me. Hadn't I already learned this lesson? This man had completely flipped the switch, and revealed his true colors. As I told him I changed my mind, and that I didn't want to have sex, he began to beg. He wanted to enter me raw, and promised he'd pull out, and he said the condom was keeping him from getting up. I couldn't believe it! What was this, high school!? I started busting out laughing! Was he serious?
We exchanged a few empty words, I ordered a Lyft, and I left his apartment.
I sat in the car silently. I made the call not to beat myself up. I know that I'm lucky that the situation didn't turn into a dangerous experience. I know that I made conscious decisions putting myself in his room, but the minute I said, "No," I had made it clear what my decision was. As I backtracked the whole experience, it amazed me how he became an entirely different person, and I didn't heed the undeniable red flags right away.
I knew the man that I'll eventually allow into my sacred body will be a grown, experienced man, who is authentic, healed, awakened, romantic, has his OWN place, respects me for what makes my soul special, and definitely would never break out the Henny, offer me a cheap Modelo, and then drink it all!
I wanted to connect. I wanted wine, oldies + goodies, hors d'oeuvres, and conversation.
I wanted more than physical intimacy.
I missed being held. I wanted to hold another person.
I wanted him to be the person my heart has been feeling...but he wasn't it.
What this experience has taught me was that, like anything else in my life, what is mine will be mine. I am not supposed to force anything. The universe tried to intervene with the business card mix up, but I didn't listen, and I learned the hard way
.I will never again allow the desire to spiritually connect to a man in a sexual way go as far as it did if he doesn't savor the essence of my spirit before gaining access to my body. Then and there, I reasserted my vow to be celibate until the universe sends me my divine counterpart.
Signed, sealed, and delivered.