My Ex Ghosting Me Was The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me
"God told me I took you as far as you could go. Your parents didn't really teach you how to deal with life-situations," he said over the phone, while I cried on my childhood bed. "Now you can go back to living with mommy and daddy."
I was twenty-five years old, had lost my "dream job" and broke the lease on my first "big girl" apartment. I moved back to Houston after living for nearly two years in a small town where I tried to create an independent life from my parents and form a long-term future with my on-and-off again boyfriend of nearly six years.
I was broke and depressed. I didn't eat and I barely slept. My clothes began to fall loose on my figure because I had lost so much weight. My bank account was in the red. My gas tank was on E. My life was like a bad soap opera, but I had created it.
After that last conversation with my boyfriend at the time, I never heard from him again. I kept hope alive because he said he still loved me and saw a future with me; I just needed to get mentally well. Of course, in my fragile state, I took that as a definite sign that he still cared and we would be back together in the future once I worked on myself.
I called multiple times and left several text messages. I even reached out on social media. He subsequently blocked my number and blocked me from all social media channels. I felt like an outcast. To know someone as more than a best friend, to see all aspects of them good and bad and then to become a stranger is the worst type of poison.
I felt that pain in my core and it took me months to cognitively realize that he was doing to me like he did with all of his previous relationships before me; he ghosted me.
With the support of more-than-generous friends and family, I repaired my self-esteem and focused on building my businesses as well as pursuing a Master of Business Administration. I found my zeal for life again. I found my inner confidence and embraced my quirks. I fell in love again with a man that valued me and saw himself building a future with me. I had discovered the secure, vibrant and ambitious girl I knew was hiding within the broken woman.
In the throes of a toxic relationship, you keep yourself above the current. You believe in your soul that no matter what harsh trials are thrown at you, love is still greater than hardship. You are unaware that you are a moment from crashing and being taken under. Once you come to your senses, you realize you were choking on all of the lies and being gaslighted. You realize you could have drowned and never recovered.
In realizing how blessed I was to come out of the other side, here are six things I realized over the course of an almost six-year toxic relationship:
You Can’t Depend on Others for Your Happiness
GiphyMy ex-boyfriend was my first love. I was nineteen, inexperienced and naive. I had never had a boyfriend before and I thought being in a relationship would make me feel complete. I used to envy my friends that got gifts on Valentine's Day and as I got older, I envied their engagement rings. I depended on my ex-boyfriend to make me happy, even as I saw it made him miserable. As he strived to provide happiness for me, it ate away at his own happiness.
We were young and not even sure how we identified ourselves in this vast and often cold world. As a young woman, I searched for examples on how to act and as a young man, he looked to what he knew. I internalized his personal failings with other women and used that to define my worth as a woman. I craved his validation to make me happy. I desired elaborate gifts and fancy dinner dates to prove that I was where his heart lay -- at the cost of my self-esteem. When he ghosted me, I had to deal with my own personal problems. I was forced to make myself happy. I realized how unfair it was to blame him continuously for his misgivings and hold him hostage in a relationship that he obviously did not value.
It Takes Two to Make a Relationship Toxic
GiphyOften times, we try to blame the other person for a toxic relationship. The problem is that it takes two to make a relationship toxic. I was the first to talk to all my girlfriends and paint this vivid picture of how horrible my ex was: how he still communicated with a girl he cheated on me with; acted ashamed of me around his college friends; made fun of my insecurities and body-shamed me. The details I left out are how I would sometimes start arguments over past transgressions; make fun of how he looked and compare him to other men.
I remained in a toxic relationship, even though I had agency over my decisions.
I chose to ignore advice and stick with someone that made me miserable just to say I was in a relationship.
You are Nobody’s Baby Sitter or Mama
I loaned my ex a lot of money while he was a struggling teacher. I gave him $1,400 when his car faced repossession and hundreds of dollars here and there when he was late on rent. I wrote his entire graduate school application and he broke up with me once he got accepted into the program on a full tuition scholarship. I had written so many applications and college essays for him, even his previous Teach for America application, that it felt natural. I didn't realize that I was enabling him to become dependent on me as an on-demand Payday Loan or a muse for his applications. What I realized though is that as he didn't mind bank-rolling my lifestyle throughout college, I didn't mind being that constant ATM for him after college. It made me feel special that he looked to me to help him with his problems. What I should have realized is that sometimes you need to deal with your own problems. Alone.
Self-Care is Vital to Your Mental Well-being
GiphyI didn't focus on making sure that I was mentally well when in the relationship and hid how I felt when around his family. One of his aunts even pointed out that I seemed like I had this dark cloud hanging over me and something was amiss with me. That dark cloud was the relationship and the pressures of balancing life, a career and constant parental feedback. Once I focused on checking in with myself, making sure that I wasn't hiding my problems under a pile of ambition or another relationship, I was able to heal.
Don’t Isolate Yourself from Your Friends and Family
I isolated myself from my friends and family because I knew they did not approve of the relationship. Within the first year of us dating, they pointed out how toxic it was and that he did not value me. My ex-boyfriend even pitted me against my friends by saying that they weren't really my friends and told me about how people at my college made fun of me and that everyone wondered why he would even date me; he was too good for me. He compared me to my friends and even told me that he wished he would have dated one of them because she was so much more mature and that I was a joke, silly and childish.
He crippled my self-esteem to the point where I hated leaving my college dorm because I was scared people were making fun of the way I dressed, talked or even walked. He became my world and I looked to him for validation. When he ghosted me, I realized that my friends were still there and my parents helped with my transition back home. Once he paid me back the money I loaned him, he was nowhere to be found. All along I wish I would have realized my friends and family did care for me and wanted to see me happy.
Exiting a Toxic Relationship Before You are Ghosted is Essential
GiphyIf you are being ghosted, you have missed all of the signs that the relationship is not working out and that it is toxic. There were numerous signs that he had tired of the relationship, from our multiple break-ups and make-ups to his continuous comparing of me to other women and the feeling of isolation even within the relationship. When I was a friend, I had seen how he treated a previous ex so coldly by ignoring their calls and acting like they didn't even exist. For some reason, when I witnessed these actions as his friend, it did not click that maybe he was the problem and not the other people. In my naivete, I believed that there was something wrong with them, that they were insane or could not provide him what he needed in a healthy relationship.
I believed that I could be that answer because I was his friend first.
What I realized is that he was a master of lies. He made himself look like the victim, while he was leaving the real victims broken. I am so glad I escaped that personal hell before I ended up in an even worse situation. I sought therapy to deal with this relationship and I am so glad he ended it the way he did. It gave me the chance to see my own major faults and realize that I am the master of my own happiness. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I will never again give a man that much power.
Featured image by Getty Images
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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From Beauty Editor To Bestselling Novelist: Inside The World Of Author Tia Williams
If Tia Williams’ A Love Song for Ricki Wilde is an ode to Black artists, it’s at least partially informed by her experience as a creator herself. The novelist has never been a florist or a musician, like the couple in her latest book, but she’s most certainly an artist in her own right.
Williams has repeatedly imagined – and subsequently depicted – Black women as protagonists who are just as ordinary as they are extraordinary. Her readers might bury themselves in her tales of romance as a means of escaping their own lives, but they likely also see glimpses of themselves within the pages of each of her books.
A Love Song for Ricki Wilde, released earlier this year via Grand Central Publishing, follows a florist who has recently moved into an “enchanted” brownstone in Harlem from Atlanta. When she falls in love with a musician, the pair realizes their lives are intertwined in a mysterious way that dates back to the Harlem Renaissance.
Williams says she wanted to use the book to explore the idea of “Black Excellence” and what it means for artists today. “We had to call it out [our achievements] because our excellence for so long had been ignored and still is being erased. But, I do think Black excellence can become a prison because the idea of what is excellent can become very narrow,” she says. “This book is about Black artists and having the freedom to pursue Black art. I just wanted to investigate what Black excellence really means. Should we be redefining it? Is it a different definition based on who you are?”
Amazon
Although she spent a few years in Germany, Tia Williams spent most of her childhood in Virginia and Maryland, surrounded by Black people who had various lived experiences. A career as a writer, she says, always felt within her grasp. “I always knew I could do it,” she tells me when we speak in early February, just days after the release of her latest book. While she released her first novel, The Accidental Diva, in 2004, she’s certainly been writing for more than 20 years. According to her, she wrote her first book when she was just seven years old. “It was called Peter and the Crystal Bunny, and there was an “About the Author” section. It [said] ‘Tia Williams, 7, is probably the youngest writer you’ve ever read.’”
In elementary school, Williams found herself reading magazines such as Harper’s Bazaar, Elle, Cosmopolitan, and Mademoiselle, determined to become a beauty editor and a novelist when she became an adult. She’s achieved both. In addition to her creative writing, she’s worked as a beauty editor for magazines such as Elle, Glamour, Lucky, and Essence. Most recently, she was the editorial director for Estèe Lauder.
Two of Williams’ novels have achieved noteworthy success in the past decade. The 2016 novel The Perfect Find was adapted into a film, which won the audience award for narrative feature at The Tribeca Film Festival before it was released on Netflix last year. Gabrielle Union stars in the film as Jenna Jones, a 40-year-old creative director who falls in love with her company’s 25-year-old videographer, Eric, following a bad breakup. Eric (portrayed by Keith Powers) also happens to be the son of Jenna’s boss/professional rival.
(L-R) Keith Powers and Gabrielle Union starring in the Netflix film, 'The Perfect Find.'
Courtesy of NetflixWilliams says she’d placed Gabrielle Union on a vision board when she was writing the book. “And I don’t even do vision boards,” she says. “My friend made me do one. I was having such a hard time writing.”
Recently, it was announced that Williams’ 2021 Seven Days in June – a New York Times bestseller and former pick for Reese Witherspoon’s Book Club – would be adapted into a television series for Prime Video. Will Packer Media will produce the series, with Williams serving as an executive producer.
Still, the writer’s career hasn’t come without challenges. As an avid reader, Williams remembers being frustrated by how whitewashed literature was because of how much it juxtaposed with the world she grew up in. “I knew we were in all spaces,” she says. The few stories she did see about Black people tended to invoke common narratives about slavery or the civil rights era, which felt extremely limiting. Where were the stories about Black people who were living lives that were not centered around trauma and oppression, she wondered.
In the '90s, she fell in love with authors such as Terry McMillan, Omar Tyree, and Eric Jerome Dickey, only to be disappointed when publishing moved away from uplifting Black authors again in the early 2000s.
She learned for herself how difficult the publishing industry could be when she tried to find a publisher for The Perfect Find. “I went with a very, very small indie press. It was really more like self-publishing,” she says, adding that the book had been rejected by every major publisher. But, publishing this way proved to be extremely challenging, especially for someone with a disability. (Williams, like the protagonist in Seven Days in June, suffers from chronic migraines.)
Williams is hesitant to even reflect on this time in her life because of how traumatic it was. “It’s still really triggering to even talk about. It was a terrible, terrible time,” she says before letting a deep, long sigh. “It stays with me. It was horrible.”
“And I wanted to give up, but then there's this other part of me that…when you're a writer, you know when your work sucks and you know when it's good. I knew that this was good, and I just refused to, I couldn't let it go,” she continues. “I just poured everything into it. And I felt like just letting it go would be like a death. That sounds dramatic, but it’s true.”
Working in a creative industry can feel like always “waiting for the other shoe to drop,” but Williams has persisted and continued to follow her lifelong dreams.
Reflecting again on her latest book, the Brooklyn resident says A Love Song for Ricki Wilde was also inspired by her fascination with Harlem in the 1920s. “It was really fun to do research [and] to go up to Harlem and walk around and sort of get the vibe of the contemporary feel of the streets,” Williams says. “But, then, you'll be walking down some street and see an obscure little plaque that will say something like ‘Billie Holiday was discovered here, singing at 14 in 1928,’ or something. It feels like the past and the present are coexisting there in a really magical way. That helped inspire the story.”
In the days following our conversation, Williams will begin a book tour to promote the novel and connect with the readers who have supported her throughout the years. “A Love Song for Ricki Wilde," she says, is a “magical, modern fairytale.”
But it’s her latest offering to Black women who are so often ignored by the media and literary worlds. “I really write for Black women primarily. Anyone else who comes to the table, I’m thrilled,” she says. “But, first and foremost, I write my books, and especially this one, as a gift to us.”
Editor's note: Will Packer Media, the company that will adapt Tia Williams’ Seven Days in June into a Prime Video series, owns xoNecole.
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