Quantcast

My Man Chose His Frat Over Me

Dating

If you're a member of a Greek letter organization, you know that it's a part of your life until death. People that aren't Greek may not understand, but with Black Greek letter organizations, the bond is real, it's tight, and we don't take it for granted.

My college was a PWI (predominantly white institution) and the campus didn't have the largest population of "us", so our sororities and fraternities created a community of Black togetherness that we didn't take lightly. If you can believe it, men take Greek life even more seriously.

My Ex, let's just call him Victor, is in my brother fraternity, and we fell in love way before we even dated. I used to call it a modern day love story. After graduation, although we had been dating for years, I found myself feeling like the other woman in the relationship, playing the mistress to his main.

No matter what, it seemed like he would constantly choose his fraternity over me. For example, while we were briefly in an long distance relationship, If I wanted to fly out to see him, I had to make sure it wasn't during specific times when he was with his frat brothers or when conventions were happening. Now, that bothered me, but I tried to be understanding because his love for his frat mirrored the forever love I held in my heart for my sorority. But at what age is enough, enough?

I could count the number of times he chose his frat over me in some way, shape, or form on two hands, but I always empathized. It was the woman in me. However, when he chose his frat over me this last time, I knew something had to give. I had to reevaluate my love life, and fast. Let me tell you the story.

It was time once again for one of us to make that dreaded trek across country to see one another. Sadly, it was my turn. Don't get me wrong, I completely wanted to see him. That dick appointment was LONG overdue, but I was growing tired of not living in the same state as my partner, and had begun to make this apparent to him. Good ole Victor is a fighter though, and his plans for us always seem to trump mine. So, I agreed to come see him.

media1.tenor.com

One day, I got a Facetime call from Victor asking which weekend we had agreed for me to come see him. I gleefully reminded him of the weekend we'd chosen together and he grew quiet. I asked what was wrong as he avoided eye contact and said he'd tell me soon. I quickly grew weary of that weak ass response and demanded the truth.

He said, "That's the weekend before a Frat convention, and I need to be ready for that. They only come every two years. You can come another weekend, just not that one,". I was flabbergasted. Now, if I'm overreacting ladies, call me out, but my ears heard, "My convention is more important than you."

media.giphy.com

I didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. I told him I'd think about it.

For the next few days, I went on talking to him as if nothing had changed, but the anger was growing within me. I had to reveal my true feelings about the situation. I came to the conclusion that Victor needed to be held accountable for his actions. He was blatantly choosing his fraternity over my happiness, and something had to be done. This is when things got worse.

When I explained how I felt about constantly coming second to him, instead of understanding my feelings, Victor got defensive, assuring me that I'd heard him wrong, that his plan was better, and that he wouldn't agree to change any dates or cancel his plans with his frat brothers. He exclaimed, "I have better plans for this, just trust me. I need to go to this convention. I'm not missing it."

media.giphy.com

Victor drew the lines around his boundaries involving his fraternity and wasn't allowing anyone to cross, not even me. I couldn't take it anymore. I realized in the heat of that argument that I deserved a man that wouldn't treat me like this. Call it paranoia, or a woman's intuition, either way, I knew it wasn't right! Enough was enough.

At this point, there was nothing I could do other than refuse to come, which led to the ultimate demise of our relationship. Since my feelings weren't at the very least being acknowledged, I never went to visit him and we lost contact over some time. F*ck him and his dick. I'd rather be alone and happy than together and resentful. The lesson I learned here ladies was to always choose yourself, even when your partner chooses not to.

78.media.tumblr.com

During the tear-filled nights that followed after we stopped speaking, it dawned on me that I had nothing to lose but myself if I didn't pay attention. Was I ever truly a priority if he was so quickly able to give me up? What did I truly mean to this man if he so easily chose a fraternity over me? Not a damn thing. I resolved that I'd never choose anyone before myself again, and if you've been in a similar situation ladies, I'm here to tell you, choosing you is so much better than any other choice you could make.

I want you to choose you.

That process goes deeper than feeling a hunch and deciding to follow it. Making this choice will be harder and will involve listening to your instincts, becoming familiar with the way you think and react to things, and learning how to trust the decisions you make. Know that your choices have a higher purpose.

After I chose myself, I never looked back. Make a commitment to choose you, every damn time.

Featured image by Andersen Ross Photography Inc/Getty Images

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

Earlier this spring, I wrote an article about the several reasons why marriage is quite different from dating. One of the things that I mentioned was sex. Listen, I know that you've probably heard that the leading causes of divorce center around things like poor communication and financial drama and yes, while that is certainly true, intimacy challenges rank right on up in there as well.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

To say that I love Saweetie is basically an understatement at this point, as time and time again, she's in the news or on my timeline giving me all of my life. Whether she pops up on a thread with her signature, "I know that's right!" or she's seen purchasing an item that an up-and-coming designer made for her just because "everything costs money," like. I mean. She's everything.

Keep reading... Show less

It's Pride Month, and what better time to highlight amazing Black LGBTQ leaders and advocates killing it in business? Yep, now is the perfect occasion. These entrepreneurs and executives are providing spaces for inclusion, disrupting and innovating in fashion, tech, entertainment, and finance, and giving voice to the struggles, issues, and vibrancy of LGBTQ communities. They are exemplary examples of brilliance we all can admire and take a nod from in our own lives both professionally and personally.

Keep reading... Show less

When Kara Stevens started Frugal Feminista, she was on a mission to offer something she didn't see enough of as a young Black woman looking to become debt-free. She'd taken her personal finance matters into her own hands, turning to library books and other free resources to get out of $65,000 in debt. "During that process, I'd found books—some written by Black women, some by white men—and they were all helpful, but I noticed that there was a dearth of literature really speaking to what Black women in their 20s and 30s were facing. I couldn't relate," she recalls.

Keep reading... Show less

You know, love is a funny, funny thing. I once read that 90 percent of it is based on the friendship developed by the two of you, and only 10 percent is actually based on love. And oftentimes, your marriage will boil down to the work put into maintaining and nurturing that 90 percent. Ain't that sumthin?

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Michelle Williams On Depression, Healing & Why It’s Important To Check In With Yourself

"Now, the only label I've got that matters is God's: God's creation. God's work. God's child."

Do you have a story to share?

Latest Posts