How To Have Mind-Blowing Multiple Orgasms. Tonight, Chile.
It's almost like I can hear some of y'all coming right through the computer screen. "Shellie, I'm over here trying to make sure that I have an orgasm on the regular and here you come, talking about some multiple ones?" Yep. That's exactly what I'm doing because one, life is short and two, the only thing better than climaxing is climaxing as much as possible. Besides, having more than one orgasm really isn't as semi-impossible of a feat as it might seem. The main two things to keep in mind is 1) typically multiple orgasms are a string of weaker ones that come close together and 2) there are "hacks" that can definitely help you to make this all happen.
So, if tonight is the night that you want to take your sexual experience to another level, check these 9 hacks out, forward them on to your partner, and then get ready to become the woman who can say that you've successfully experienced each phase of an orgasm—excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution—not just once but several times in one sex sitting. Ready?
1. Become an Edging Master
OK, here's a reading hack to keep in mind. If you want to know if an article on orgasms is worth your time, skim it real quick to see if edging is mentioned at all. The reason why is because, if you want to have an orgasm, intensify your orgasm or increase your chances of experiencing a multiple orgasm, the act of edging has to be factored into the equation.
If you're not familiar with what edging is, it's basically sexually stimulating yourself and/or your partner, to the point of climaxing—but then stopping before it actually happens. While edging can be achieved in a myriad of different ways, arousal via touching erogenous zones and/or oral sex are ideal. Just remember that this particular tip isn't about achieving an orgasm, let alone a multiple one; it's about getting you right to the brink, then pulling back, so that once you are ready to "go", it will be truly mind-blowing—and so much easier for you to repeat the action over and over again.
2. Learn As Much About Your Refractory Period As You Can
When it comes to orgasms, there's something known as the sexual response cycle. I pretty much touched on it in the intro. It's the cycle that includes the phases of excitement (or desire), plateau (or arousal), orgasm (or climax) and then resolution. Excitement is when you start to get sexually stimulated in the sense that your heart rate increases, your nipples become erect and your vagina increases with lubrication. Plateau is when blood flow increases to your genitalia, your clitoris becomes really sensitive and the muscles within your pelvis start to tense up. Orgasm is when your blood pressure and heart rate are at their highest (in the sexual cycle), the muscles in your pelvis begin to contract and you start to feel warm all over your body. Resolution is when your body starts to come down off of this "high" and you begin to feel more like "normal" again.
Now your refractory period is the time between resolution and excitement. That said, one of the main "hacks" to experiencing a multiple orgasm is learning what your refractory period actually is. For some women, it's literally a few seconds while, for others, it may take several minutes. Yet if you are intentional about not taking more than a 60-90 seconds to "calm down" from all of the sensitivity you may feel before being open to getting sexually stimulated all over again, there is a really good chance that you can experience orgasms back-to-back.
3. Appeal to ALL Senses (Simultaneously If You Can)
Back when I wrote the article, "Ever Wonder What The Sounds You Make During Sex Mean?", a part of the purpose was to remind us all that a great sex session should include all five of our senses being fully and thoroughly stimulated—sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste. Since I just broke down the importance of knowing what transpires during your refractory period, something that can help you to get back into the phases of an orgasm quicker is if some of your senses continue to be stimulated while you are in the phase of resolution.
For instance, if after you cum, consider having your partner talk dirty to you (hearing) or offer to give you a massage with a DIY aphrodisiac massage oil like sandalwood or jasmine (smell). Definitely, a mistake that people make, in the effort of having more intense or multiple orgasms is, after the first orgasm is achieved, they stop all activity altogether. While being super sensitive right after you cum is perfectly natural, remember that touch isn't the only sense you've got. Your partner doing a little strip tease (sight) or the two of you feeding each other some chocolate-covered strawberries (taste) can still keep you plenty interested—and get you to the first phase of an orgasm all over again: excitement.
4. Bring Weed into the Equation
One of the main reasons why a lot of us—and by "us", I mean women—have trouble climaxing us because—surprise, surprise—we tend to overthink it. Whether it's a doctor, a sex therapist or even your bestie who hangs off of chandeliers on the regular, something that all of them can agree on is a tensing up only makes getting to the Big O that much more difficult to reach. If you know this in theory but you still struggle with finding ways to relax either before or during sex, something that can help you out is weed. I actually wrote an article not too long ago for the platform that explains that weed can do things like make you feel less anxious and reduce feelings of discomfort. And, if you bring some weed lubricant into the equation, that can make stimulation even more intense and orgasms—including multiple orgasms—so much easier to have. (Check out "7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better" and "Why Cannabis Lube Is The Best Thing To Get Yourself For V-Day" for more info.)
5. Create a Safe Word
Listen, if there's one thing that you cannot be—if you want to experience as many orgasms as possible, that is—is inhibited. In other words, you're gonna have to chill out, completely let go and be open to trying some new things. So, in the effort to join the "multiple orgasms club", the next time you have sex, let your partner know that you're pretty much down for whatever; except with one caveat. You've got to be able to incorporate a safe word—like a color or something that is easy to remember—so that if something becomes uncomfortable or even painful, you can immediately alert your partner without the two of you needing to stop sex completely.
6. Get into Two Classic Sex Positions
It wouldn't be a thorough article on how to achieve multiple orgasms if I didn't share, at least a couple of positions that can help you to reach your goal. Remember that a key to experiencing orgasms, one right after the other, is to get into a place where you can close-to-guarantee that you will climax at all. Two sex positions that can get you pretty damn close to this goal is the reverse cowgirl and doggy style.
As far as the reverse cowgirl, the key is to straddle one of your partner's legs instead of both. That way, you can get more deeply penetrated while better controlling the movement of your own pelvis. As far as doggy style goes, doing a modification of it by laying on your stomach instead of being on your knees can make it easier for either your hands or his to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse. When you're able to maneuver more easily, you can apply as much pressure as you need to cum, then wait, and then cum all over again.
7. Stimulate More than One Erogenous Zone
When it comes to experiencing orgasms back-to-back, something that isn't brought up, nearly enough in my opinion, is the fact that focusing on achieving orgasms in multiple places should also be explored far more often. What do I mean by that?
Orgasms are able to happen in more than just our vaginal area. Some women are able to achieve nipplegasms or even be brought to the brink of an orgasm, simply by having their favorite erogenous zones touched. That's why it should never be ignored that another way to have an orgasm is by achieving one via the stimulation of your genitalia and then having a hot spot like your neck, ears, navel, inner thighs or even your lips caressed or kissed during your refractory period in order to get right back to the plateau and then orgasm mountaintop all over again.
8. Breathe Deeply
Something else that plays a direct role on how intensely and often you are able to climax is how deeply you breathe. As I've already shared, orgasms are a series of muscle contractions in your pelvic region. So, while that part of your body tenses up, breathing slowly and deeply helps to relax you and create a powerful sensation as you reach your peak. As far as what you need to do specifically in the breathing department, I actually found a cool article on The Sex Ed site that explains everything very well. Read "Orgasmic Breathing" and share it with your friends. They'll owe you. Trust me.
9. RELAX
It truly can't be said enough—in order to have multiple orgasms, you're gonna need to freakin' relax. This includes fully trusting your partner. This includes not being shy about your body. This also means not going into your next sexual experience with multiple orgasms being your "aim" so much as it's something that you're completely open to doing. If all three of these things come into play and you literally sit back and enjoy the ride—you might surprise your own self when it comes to how easily you can experience multiple orgasms. Have lots and loads of fun...over and over and over again, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Age-Gap Dating Is HUGE Right Now. Still...Read This Before Doing It.
If you’re someone who’s been reading my content for a while, you know that I’m pretty big on accountability (with both men and women), and that means sometimes I will call out blatant hypocrisy and double standards. Today? It’s the fact that I find it to be mighty interesting that when an older woman is dating a younger man, she’s usually considered to be a “cougar” yet when an older man dates a younger woman, suddenly he’s a “perv” (short for pervert).
It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one, Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
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A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
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