Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"
Last May, I took a trip to Cancun with a few friends, some old and some new, where every morning I was awakened by my roommate around 7 am, talking loudly on the phone.
Afraid of the confrontation and potential attitude problem that would accompany a dialogue that would be along the lines of, "Girl have you lost your damn mind? It is early in the morning and we are on vacation, could you please take your call outside?" Instead, I would just start my day early and have breakfast without her in a good old passive aggressive fashion. Through all the run-ins I've had with self-absorbed, apathetic, and what many would describe as narcissistic people, this by far was the biggest wakeup call for me (no pun intended).
Looking back on that vacation, sadly, in the moment I wasn't upset about her disregard for my feelings, or even the red flag that I felt uncomfortable standing up for myself in a situation with someone I regarded as my "friend," but the idea that I spent thousands of dollars to be woken up early in the morning. In true victim fashion, after getting home I told the story over and over again, and while friends were furious that I had gone through that, one by one, they asked a question that most sane people would: Why didn't you stand up for yourself?
The truth is, standing up for myself is something that I had struggled with ever since I could remember. I am a person that by default feels guilty for openly expressing negative emotions of any kind, has trouble with asking for what I need, goes out of her way to avoid conflict, and was deathly afraid of being alone. I used to be what is described as a codependent person, and to put it simply, I used to rely on others to give me a sense of self-worth, validation, and purpose, no matter how toxic they were to my existence.
I felt that asking for what I wanted and needed from people around me was burdensome, so instead, I often neglected my own needs and focused on what I could do for others. The word "no" was one I was afraid to use out of fear that the people I care for would perceive me as mean and selfish and that I would be punished with abandonment for doing so.
When it came to any interdependent relationship, as you could imagine, I had no boundaries and believed that if I tried hard enough I could fix broken people, and love someone into loving me. Does this sound like you? If so, here are some steps towards healing your codependency:
Get To The Core Of Why You Fear Not Being Enough
This step to me is continuously the hardest because it involves lifting up layers and layers of yourself. Much like narcissistic people, codependent people often have encountered traumatic events early on their lives that shaped their perception of the world and their function in it. As a codependent person, you learned that operating in such a way was how to receive love.
Perhaps you were either punished for expressing your needs or when you did they were ignored. Believe it or not, no matter how grown you feel, your childhood affects your life relationships, so healing those wounds can improve your life dramatically. Regardless, you need to accept that you are enough, simply because you were created to be whole.
We are only as needy as our unmet needs, however, you will learn how to fulfill your own as an adult.
You can actually heal that broken child inside of you.
Acknowledge The Benefits Of Your Codependent Patterns
Part of transforming from a victim into a survivor is recognizing your own responsibility in your circumstances... Make sure to not mistake responsibility for blame, as the two are not interchangeable. If you recognize your role in your own suffering, you can take that power and make sure that it doesn't continue.
Now is the time to be brutally honest, and the truth may be very startling. Thoughts like "I'm afraid to stop engaging in this behavior because I'd rather be miserable than be alone" or "I accept less than I deserve because I do not think I deserve the best" may surface and that's okay.
The truth will set you free, even if it pisses you off first, and by verbalizing how you benefit from toxic relationships you will start to see why you continuously end up in them.
The unhealthier version of you enables and feeds off of unhealthy circumstances, but this does not have to be a permanent thing. You have the power to change your reality.
Accept That Letting Go Of Your Codependent Ways Will Result In Some Losses, But Do It Anyway
The reality is, there are parts of your life that are built around you not being your authentic self, so it is to be expected that once you do step into your true self you may see shifts in many parts of your life. There are people who benefit from your lack of boundaries, and there are people who are not going to be used to saying no. Proceed without shame because guilt is the codependent's kryptonite.
People who you considered friends in the past may seem less friendly once you stop bending over backward to please them. That job may seem less tolerable once you stop coming in early, skipping lunch, and leaving late to meet their unrealistic deadline. That romantic relationship might fall apart once you stop putting all of your attention on fixing your partner and instead focus on your health and mending the brokenness inside of you. This is all necessary for the well-being of the healthier version of you!
Featured Image by Getty Images.
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Ask Ayana Iman: I'm Stuck In A Codependent Relationship - Read More
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Why Friendships Should Come With Deal Breakers, Too - Read More
- How To Stop Being A People-Pleaser - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Say No To Things You Don't Want To Do - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- The “Do Something” Mindset (The Power of Practicing More) ›
- Say 'No' and change your life | Global | The Guardian ›
- Learning to Say No Is One of the Secrets of Success - Verily ›
- The Power of Saying 'No' ›
- The Power of No | Psychology Today ›
- Why You Should Learn to Say 'No' More Often - The New York Times ›
New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
From Heartbreak To Healing: The Multifaceted Journey Of Nazanin Mandi
Nazanin Mandi is never out of options.
About a year ago, the 37-year-old life coach and actress was navigating life after divorce and determined to experience homeownership for the first time as a single woman. She’d been married to the R&B singer Miguel for three years, following a long-term relationship that started when she was 18 years old. But, in 2022, she filed for divorce. It was certainly the most public change she made but, in reality, it was just one of many decisions to refocus and reach her full potential in recent years.
“During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been,” she says in an xoNecole exclusive.
Still, as Mandi worked to get to know herself and her needs during this new phase of life, she realized the home she’d purchased wasn’t a good fit. Overwhelmed by the echoing of her voice in the spacious home, she had a breakdown and called her cousin, who immediately suggested she lease the home and live somewhere else. “I woke up in my house, and I was like, ‘This is not it for me,” she says. “All those years, I had been accustomed to living a certain way [and] in a certain house, so I bought myself a house like [my old home]. But my family was not the same. Waking up in that house by myself, it highlighted the divorce. I was like, ‘Oh, no, we can’t do this. This is not it.’ My life has changed, so my choices need to change.” At that moment, Mandi became open to the idea that there wasn’t one set way to achieve ownership on her own.
“I feel so much better. I’m in a smaller place. My best friend lives a minute from me and I can walk to her house,” she tells me during a Zoom interview from her home one recent afternoon in early February. In the past two years, she hasn’t just been advising other people on varying circumstances, she’s also been healing herself.
"During my 20s, I was not ready for more. I was living a really crazy life. It was unpredictable. I was helping somebody else grow. It was a lot, and it was intense. I was not pouring into myself the way I should’ve been."
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If supporters began following Nazanin Mandi because of her conventional beauty or the contagious, bright, white smile she often wears in many of her photos, that’s likely not the reason they’ve stuck around. Instead, she’s amassed a following based on her transparency about her own anxiety and depression, along with the encouraging messages of self-acceptance, gratitude, ambition, and humility that are often sprinkled into her social media posts.
In an era where looking at Instagram photos of models can often lead to feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, Nazanin Mandi is determined to be more than eye candy. She’s food for her follower’s souls, too.
Since being recruited to model while dining at an In-N-Out at 10 years old, Mandi has worked in many areas of entertainment. The Valencia, California native has modeled for brands such as Olay, Savage X Fenty, and Good American. As a teen, she sang at Carnegie Hall and auditioned for season 1 of American Idol, making it all the way to Hollywood before producers disqualified her for lying about her age. (Mandi was 15 at the time, and contestants had to be at least 16 years old.) Mandi has acted, too, including appearing on Disney’s That’s So Raven as a teenager and on the BET+ series Games People Play and the Prime series Á La Carte in more recent years.
In recent years, though, she’s also expanded her professional goals outside of entertainment, too. After becoming a certified life coach in 2020, Mandi launched the membership platform You Bloome in 2022 with the hopes of providing wellness services to others, including her self-published gratitude journal. “I wish I had access to something like You Bloome earlier in my own life,” she writes on the company’s website. The actress, who has been forthcoming about her struggles with anxiety and depression, has never had a life coach, but credits therapy as a tool that “really, really saved me and it laid the foundation to who I am becoming.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
"I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself."
While she’s always had a nurturing personality, Mandi says her interest in becoming a life coach was inspired by the women who would message her for advice on social media. “I would answer them back. It really sparked a fire within myself to help people,” she says.
You Bloome currently has three membership tiers, ranging in price from $2.99 to $39.99 per month. The highest tier offers a motivational text message twice a week, two live, group coaching sessions per month, and more. “We get emotional. We cry. We laugh. It’s really beautiful. I’ve built close relationships with my members through this. It’s been inspiring both ways,” Mandi says of the sessions. Still, the founder says she hopes to take on more motivational and keynote speaking opportunities in the future with the hopes of impacting as many people as possible.
And, she’s hoping to do all of this while continuing to explore a career as an entertainer.
At this point in her life, Mandi says she’s gained enough perspective on modeling, music, and acting to realize what she wants to prioritize moving forward. “We are going full force with acting,” she says, noting her goal is “to book a series regular or a film that impacts my career and the world.” She plans to continue to model, too, but has no desire to pursue music.
“I don’t want any part of that because I know what that life entails,” she says. “I don’t want to tour. I don’t want to do any of that. That is not where my heart is at.”
Credit: Solmaz Saberi
If you ask Mandi, she’ll tell you she feels most comfortable in front of a camera, but she’ll also admit that she’s recently experienced a lot of imposter syndrome when thinking about her acting career. “I think it’s a fear of not succeeding,” she says. If anything, she adds, she’s harder on herself now than she’s ever been. “There were distractions before. There’s no distractions now,” she says. “I’m putting pressure on myself for no reason.”
This is where the life coach’s own personal healing comes into play. Mandi says she’s learning recently that “slow progress is still big progress at the end of the day.”
“Currently, I’m trying to find the balance between living life and knowing that whatever is meant for me is going to happen, but also know that I’m doing everything in my power to make those things happen and better myself,” she adds.
Still, one of Mandi’s strengths is that she doesn’t feel the pressure to limit herself to just one passion. From working as a life coach to pursuing acting, she has given herself grace to explore all other dreams.
“We can be allowed to be many different things in this lifetime,” she says. “As people, our identities are allowed to expand. Don’t put us in a fucking box. I cannot live that way anymore.”
For more of Nazanin, follow her on Instagram @nazaninmandi.
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Featured image by Solmaz Saberi
'Raising Kanan''s Hailey Kilgore Talks Seeing Herself In Jukebox & Broadway Background
Hailey Kilgore, who has brought the character Jukebox to life on Power Book III: Raising Kanan for the past three seasons, was working hard in show business long before landing the role on coveted Starz franchise. She's already a Tony- and Grammy-nominated talent whose credits include the Jennifer Hudson-led Aretha Franklin biopic Respect and the Tony-winning revival of Once on This Island.
Hailey may play a teen on the Mekai Curtis-centered series but she's been training in singing, acting, and performance since the tender age of 9—that's 16 years now. If you take a look at her social media profiles, it will almost make you do a double take as her real personality couldn't be further from what's depicted on the show—proving just how talented she really is. The Broadway veteran, who is gearing up to release her first album, is what many would describe a girl's girl wearing loads of sequins, gowns, and serving face!
This will prompt you to dig a little deeper to find out more about the girl who is a multi-hyphenate and earned two major nominations before even making it on the big screen.
Getty Images
xoNecole caught up Hailey as season 3 came to an end and was surprised to learn that although they may be completely different people, her real life is mirroring what's going on with Jukebox in Raising Kanan. "I really made the epiphany season 3." She continued, "[Jukebox] just wants to be seen. She works so hard, she's a really sweet girl. She has a beautiful spirit and she just wants people to see her—to see how hard she works. I feel that right now. I'm like, please just see me. I know you love Jukebox...but there's a super cool girl in here and she's got a lot to say. A lot to contribute to the world artistically."
She even delved more into her background, telling us about the extensive training and hard work she's put in to get to this point. "I started training when I was 9. I trained in acting, singing, and performance." She further explained, "I did my first job when I was 12, so I've been doing this for awhile. Performing is what I love. I've always said I wanted to be Beyoncé when I grew up...I'm really blessed to have the resume and the background that I do."
The latest season of Power Book III: Raising Kanan has come to a close but in true fashion, Hailey is still hard at work. Her first single "Drama Queen" is out now and her debut album will be released on May 3. It's safe to say that Hailey is having her moment. One can't deny that she's worked hard for it and we can't wait to see what's next!
Watch the full interview below.
Hailey Kilgore AKA Jukebox on 'Raising Kanan' Talks Broadway Background
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Featured image by Getty Images