Men On Unlearning The Poison Of Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity has been masquerading as traditional masculinity for centuries. Toxic masculinity bans men from a healthy relationship with themselves, where they are allowed to be vulnerable, sensitive, empathic – basically every emotion society often labels as feminine. And it stunts their mental and emotional growth that perpetuates false ideologies of manhood that hold them back from having a better understanding of themselves and showing up for their loved ones.
The stress toxic masculinity puts on men
GiphyMen are continuously given the objective that they must be independent, self-reliant, physically tough, etc. Society often tells men this false narrative as the only way to make them successful in terms of business, maneuvering in society, and finding a partner. They are taught that they simply can't afford to be vulnerable because it'll be ridiculed.
The American Psychological Association's Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men mentions that raising boys into "traditional" masculinity is harmful to their health and wellness. Licensed professional counselor Eric Patterson at mental health startup Choosing Therapy notes that "toxic masculinity is an ever-present issue." I asked him some questions regarding the mental and emotional distress toxic masculinity puts on men. His response brought forth insight and clarity.
Patterson stated, "Unfortunately, toxic masculinity puts very little stress on the men who are actively perpetuating notions of superiority. They tend to be oblivious to the impact their views and behaviors have on others. The men that hope to be more enlightened may struggle with their place and their role. They want to support equality without denouncing their entirety of their sex, which can prove challenging at times."
Sadly, toxic masculinity is like a domino effect; it affects all of us. So if we don't call out toxic traits, we are enabling them to continue. It begins and ends with accountability – you can't do better until you know better.
Everyday examples of toxic masculinity
GiphyToxic masculinity is often poured into men from their childhood days. Their parents telling him he shouldn't cry because he's a boy and 'real men' don't do that. Men are often taught that masculinity is supposed to be hypermasculinity, being aggressive, suppressing their emotions, and always feeling the need to be a dominant figure. They are often excused for being promiscuous compared to women – who would be easily labeled a hoe. Either party shouldn't be applauded for this; it's not a fruitful sport, but if people feel that's the life they want to live, keep your comments to yourself or make sure you judge them the same way, instead of it being one-sided.
I asked some men about their most toxic trait and how they are actively unlearning those perspectives – their answers were quite insightful.
"I would say my most toxic trait is that sometimes I think so highly of myself that I'm mostly unwilling to take advice from others because I'm under the impression there is no way they could understand what I feel I have more knowledge on," said Johnny Welch, program coordinator in Philadelphia, PA. "I simply think I know best, even in cases when I know nothing. This trait has left me numerous times feeling the burn when I could have simply not touched the stove. I'm well aware of the issue and try to make steps to correct it."
A good start at overcoming toxic masculinity is acknowledging your issues and then building stepping stones to combat them. The goal isn't perfection; it's about progression. Talk about this with your male friends and ask them to hold you accountable or ask them if they can suggest ways for you to change your old habits. Get used to not always leaning on women for vulnerable conversations; she can't be your therapist and partner; that's too much stress for anyone.
Normalize talking about your emotions with other men.
Another man echoed a similar sentiment regarding communication, "I would say my most toxic trait is being inconsistent when it comes to communicating," said Carrell Calhoun, operations manager in Bethlehem, PA. "Sometimes I have this, I-don't-feel-like-talking type of attitude when I feel like something isn't a major issue, and how I work on that is to just allow my partner to express themselves."
Frequent communication is essential in every relationship, whether it's platonic or romantic. Just because you're with someone, it doesn't mean you are able to read that person's mind all of a sudden. Let's normalize leaning on each other in times of need instead of perceiving it as a way to emasculate men.
How do women and society play a role in toxic masculinity?
GiphyBelieve it or not, ladies, some of y'all play a part in enabling toxic masculinity. Telling a man he's soft or shouldn't be emotional is problematic. I asked some men what they would tell women that said 'you're not a man' if you show vulnerability in any way, crying or expressing how they felt. They had some interesting tea to spill.
"Emotional intelligence matters, empathy matters. Men that are viewed as crazy, non-communicative, toxic, or nonchalant have probably become that way due to a woman or man telling them that same sentiment as they grew up," said Cedric Calder, CEO of Artisan Echelon in New Jersey. The same men that are told they "ain't shit" have become like that for a reason, and while everyone should be accountable for their own actions and grow/learn from their experiences – not everyone has the mindset to get through it [and] receive assistance in doing so. Human beings are social creatures, and being social creates some sort of stress, whether good or bad, and these feelings need to be released one way or the other."
Amen, on the necessity for emotional intelligence! Toxic masculinity robs men to tap into their emotional intelligence. This is a collective Black issue we have because I was also taught to repress my emotions because it made me look weak, but as I got older, I learned how important it was to thoroughly understand my emotions so I can show up better for myself and others.
How to combat toxic masculinity
GiphyCombatting toxic masculinity is NOT a woman's job. I've heard the saying that 'it's a woman's job to make a man a better/evolved man' countless times – and that's too much of a burden. As Marlon Dundas, digital investment professional in Queens, NY, stated, "I believe a relationship is a mutual agreement to learn from each other. If you trust and value the person you're with, then you will be made a better person. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman."
So yes, back to the daily televised show, it's a partnership. Both partners can help each other, not completely burden each other in specific areas, and expect things to mend themselves over time because they won't – they'll just get worse if you don't address them. As licensed professional counselor Eric Patterson mentions:
"Women can support this shift in men by pointing out undesirable aspects of toxic masculinity and times when it presents. By addressing the situation with love and support rather than anger and judgment, there is a better chance for success. Women must remember that the man must want to change, and even if he does, he could be working against decades or generations of problematic behaviors. It will not change overnight."
Ladies, I know bending backwards comes easily to us sometimes, and that's something we have to work on collectively. But you can't change a man that is not ready to change himself for himself first, and then you can benefit from it. Change only sticks when we do it for ourselves versus for others. You can only guide him and cheer him on along the journey, but you can't make the changes he needs to make within himself.
Men don't have to be hypermasculine to be considered man enough; show how you feel, reveal the real you from under the mask. Toxic masculinity can't thrive if you choose to work through your issues, so you can be an evolved man for yourself and your loved ones.
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Featured image by Shutterstock
- What A Toxic Relationship Can Reveal To You About Yourself - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Become More Vulnerable - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- What Exactly Is Toxic Masculinity? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Ajeé Buggam is a content writer and fashion designer from New York City and an alumna from the Fashion Institute of Technology. She specializes in writing about race, social injustice, relationships, feminism, entrepreneurship, and mental wellness. Check out her recent work at Notes To Self
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
Giphy
I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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Featured image by Jacob Wackerhausen/Getty Images