After Being Married For Four Years, I Found Out My Husband Was Gay
As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Mekia's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
So, let me tell you the story about how I found out my ex-husband was down-low...
It was a normal Wednesday evening and I was on deadline. I needed to get my work done for my online classes, and somehow my laptop disappeared—to this day I don't know how. I decided I'd use my ex-husbands laptop to complete my assignments, which he guarded like Buckingham Palace. On the off-chance that I asked to use it, I'd be met with:
“Um, well, I'm using it right now."
Or:
“Oh, sorry, babe I left it at work, I don't have it on me today."
An excuse always seemed to follow. Something wasn't right.
I let this go on for a little while, or at least until my instincts got the best of me.
Then one day, there his laptop was, sitting in our bedroom. I grabbed it and began to go through it like a madman. There has to be a reason he is so secretive about this computer. I opened it up, flipped through a few folders, and boom. There it was: a folder with our good family friend—male—posing in a bra. He was also wearing a wig, lipstick, lashes; an entire look. I continued to scroll, and the pictures got even worse. There were pictures of our family friend holding another man's penis, his penis, so on and so on. It wasn't my husband's penis in the pictures, but for me, that didn't matter—they were still in there.
But wait, this guy is married! And he has a child! Why does my husband have these pictures of him?!
Completely frozen, in my mind, I knew exactly why.
So, I guess you can say that I got the answer I was looking for...
—
We met in high school. I was born into a military family so we moved around a lot. Most of my stay has been between New Orleans, Southern Georgia, and Atlanta. I spent a lot of time in the country, the youngest of 12.
Our school had a music building that housed the chorus and band department. I was in the chorus, and my ex-husband was in a band so we would cross paths often. I had a friend who was also in the band so I would be in their class just to pass time during the day. As we started to share day-to-day experiences, we learned that he lived about two blocks from my grandmother, which of course we thought was pretty cool. After he graduated (he is older), we spoke via Facebook and eventually exchanged numbers. It started as a simple crush and it blossomed from there. I saw a more mature and serious side outside of high school, which made me like him romantically. I was young, and he was fresh out of high school, so the relationship started slow and progressed as we learned more about each other.
We dated for three years and decided to get married.
And our married life was great at first. We had lots of good times—bad ones too—but we were like best friends.
But then, I started to notice behavior changes. You see, I never thought anything of some of the signs that now, in hindsight, I should have absolutely paid attention to (ex: all of his friends were gay, he became extremely guarded, he wouldn't walk ten steps without making sure he had his phone, etc).
My breaking point came on a trip to South Carolina for a wedding that I actually had to invite myself to. I found the invitation in the couch and after my suspicions, I told him I would be attending with him. And y'all, he was pissed. We arrive to the wedding location and at this point, I had taken note of all his behavior changes mentioned above. Well, suddenly, he had to run outside to the car for something, and he left his phone. I grabbed it and decided to take the journey down the rabbit hole again.
I saw that he was texting an unknown number, which of course, I searched through first. They were exchanging multiple penis pics, engaging in inappropriate conversations about what they would do to each other, how, what they each like sexually—you know, just really raunchy, rogue stuff. I put the unknown number in my phone, called, and a guy answered. After a bit of small talk, I blatantly asked, "Are you sleeping with my husband?"
"No," he said. "I know him, but I have been talking to a girl from this phone number."
A girl?! This is my husband's number, this is his phone.
“OK, well, do you have any pictures, can you send me a picture of who you've been speaking with from this number?" I asked. He agrees. We hang up, and I wait on the picture. Shortly afterwards, it comes through and I open the message.
And ladies, there I was. Everything he described. My pictures. My nudes.
I didn't know what sick shit my ex-husband was into, or what was going on, but I decided right then and there, I wasn't going to sit around and find out. It was time to go.
I. Was. Done.
—
I shared the news with only one of my siblings. A lot of my family found out about my body being exposed, and the mental abuse when I posted my YouTube video. My parents didn't know anything was going on until we were actually going to court for a domestic abuse case (yeah, that was another component to this train-wreck relationship). That's also when our divorce process began. But for the most part, no one ever suspected my ex-husband was gay.
Or at least, they've never expressed so to me.
Because of the popularity of my YouTube video, I've gotten lots of ridicule online and in my personal life, and you know, I can't say that I blame anyone for the constant questioning of “how did you not know?" And to put it simply, no one has lived my life and no one experienced what I have with my ex-husband. Being manipulated and mentally and physically abused is a thing many people can't escape. But I did, guys. I did. And most of all, uncovering who he truly was did not happen at once. And to this day, the people who knew about his lifestyle protected it but thinking that he was just playing or that it was a phase, which was even more hurtful to me.
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My advice to anyone who feels that they may be in a similar situation: get confirmation if you feel like you need it, but don't stay and don't wait. Keep in mind a confident straight man will never give you an inkling of him liking the same sex. A man who needs a partner of the same sex will never be fully satisfied with you. Women deserve to be loved, reassured, wanted, and refueled. Women need to feel safe and if he doesn't give you that feeling, he's not the one, my girl. If he's given you an idea that he may be a part of that lifestyle and you are not in support of it, leave.
A lying man becomes angry when questioned too much, a red flag that I blamed myself for. So, never blame yourself, just remove yourself. Remember that moving on with your health and joy is the end goal, and it doesn't take an uncertain man to do it.
Today, I am in a much better place. I have a beautiful son with and amazing man that I adore. I find myself giving advice to other women about their relationships, and how to communicate their feelings, as I'm always asked for advice. Somehow, I've been placed on a platform to help women in the same situations, which fed my spirit—support is out there and we should never be afraid to get it.
Ultimately, I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever knew I was. I overcame the hardest part of my life, and I've been rewarded ten times over with my amazing family now.
Have I forgiven my ex-husband? Absolutely.
I had to. I had to forgive him in order to allow happiness to find me. I actually last saw him at our alma mater—the very place that we met. And I couldn't have cared less. That's when I realized, that I had set myself free.
And ladies, that is a level of peace that we must learn to immerse ourselves in; a peace that no one can take from us.
If you would like any advice from Mekia, you can follow her on Instagram at @mekia504. Subscribe to her YouTube Channel for more stories, advice, and life updates.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Charmin Michelle is a southern native and creative spirit who works as a content marketer and events manager in Chicago. She enjoys traveling, #SummertimeChi, and the journey of mastering womanhood. Connect with her on Instagram @charminmichelle.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I think we all can agree that social media really is a double-edged sword. What I mean by that is there is just as much bad that can come out of it as good. At the end of the day, it really is about 1) having your own mind, 2) finding balance when it comes to how much time you spend online, and 3) doing your own research instead of taking random people’s opinions as the gospel (i.e., facts).
Gee, I wish more folks did all of this when it comes to if a man needs to have a large penis to sexually satisfy a woman (he does not) and if a woman who has had multiple sex partners will ultimately end up with a vagina that is too large for smaller penises to please her (a lie).
Science totally has my back on debunking both of those things (more on that in a bit). Know what else does? A particular type of sex method that is becoming more popular by the day. One that just might convince you to, as they used to say back in the day, focus less on the “size of the wave” and ride out the “motion of the ocean” instead.
It’s called shallowing. Here’s what it’s all about.
What Is Shallowing?
GiphyIf there’s one thing that I wish folks would say more thoroughly when it comes to women and orgasms, it’s that when it comes to75 percent of women not being able to orgasm from only intercourse, the accurate statement is they struggle with achieving a vaginal orgasm without the assistance of some type of clitoral stimulation. Yeah, we’ve really got to remember that very few things in this life are a complete monolith — orgasms included (check out “U-Spot Orgasm, Fantasy Orgasm & 6 Other Orgasms You Should Try Tonight”).
In fact, it was while I was reading up on pairing — a word that is used for when clitoral stimulation transpires during penetration — that I decided to do some deep-diving into shallowing (because it was mentioned inone of the articles that I read).And what is it? Shallowing is when a penis, finger, tongue, or sex toy of some sort is used in order to ever so slightly penetrate the vaginal opening of a woman.
And why is shallowing not just a current sex trend but something that every woman on this planet should try? It’s because of what I’ve said, more than once, on this platform: it focuses on the most sensitive part of a woman’s vagina, which isthe first two inches of her vaginal opening.
When the emphasis is placed there, not only does it increase your chances of experiencing “the big O,” but it can also build up anticipation, which can intensify your orgasms too — yes, shallowing can also be seen as a form of edging.
Another thing that’s cool about shallowing is — and it really and truly can’t be said enough — something that makes vaginal and blended orgasms easier to achieve for some women really has little to do with the size of a man’s package or even his technique; it’s straight up anatomy. Yep, the closer that a woman’s clitoris is to her vaginal opening, the easier it is for a penis to stimulate both. So, science makes it possible for vaginal orgasms to be easier for some women than others.
At the same time, shallowing can make it possible for more women who want to see what a vaginal orgasm actually feels like (because it’s easier for the head of the penis to stimulate the opening of the vagina while the shaft can rub up against your clitoris; based on the position that you are in, of course — the missionary with some pillows propped under the lower part of your back is ideal for this).
Now that you see what shallowing actually is, do you get why I said that penis size doesn’t matter when it comes to doing it — and getting the kind of orgasms that you want? Contrary to popular belief, your vagina is only around four inches. In fact, some health experts say that it ranges between 2-4”. Anything larger, your body literally has to stretch out to accommodate; this includes penises and babies. So, if your vagina is “making room” for more than four inches, why in the world do you think you need a 10-inch man? Yeah…exactly. It really is time to get over the silliness. The average penis continues to be 5.5”. Makes sense when you take it all in (no pun intended).
Aight, so now that you know what shallowing is all about, let me try and hard sell you on why it’s a sex technique that you should try as soon as tonight (if you possibly can).
1. It takes the pressure off of you and your partner.
I’ve been working with couples for almost 20 years at this point. This means that the topic of sex comes up quite a bit. And if there’s one thing that continues to be an issue is inconsistent orgasms (check out “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”).
Listen, no matter how many articles you read or sex positions you try, if you’re anxious, stressed out, or overthinking, it’s gonna get in the way of you experiencing high peaks of pleasure on a consistent basis. Since shallowing is something that can easily be done even in foreplay (via fingering and/ororal sex) if you get that first “release” off, that makes it easier to just sit back and enjoy the ones that (hopefully) are to follow.
2. It teaches you more about your vagina.
A part of the reason why I keep repeating certain facts about vaginas in these articles is that it’s amazing how little certain things are discussed en masse — like the size of the vaginal tube. And since shallowing helps you to stimulate the nerve endings at the entrance of your va-jay-jay along with your G-spot (which is housed a little ways from your opening), shallowing is a great way to explore that area of your body as you figure out what truly works for you and…what doesn’t.
3. It’s the perfect merging of foreplay and intercourse.
When you really stop to think about it, shallowing is like the bridge between foreplay and intercourse because you can use so many different things to do it. So, if you want to experiment with a new sex toy or you want a bit more time to “warm up the engine” before full-on penetration begins, shallowing is one of the most sexually arousing compromises there is.
4. It can help to increase your partner’s stamina.
A few years back, I penned an article for the site entitled, “We’ve Got Some All-Natural Ways To Increase Stamina & Sensitivity.” Listen, even though I onceread a GQ article that said that over 60 percent of the people they polled were fine with intercourse lasting no longer than 5-10 minutes — that poll doesn’t speak for all of us, chile.
So, if you would like your man to build up to going longer, shallowing can help to make that happen. Since he’s barely putting beyond the tip in, he can learn how to be in you for longer periods of time without being, well, in you.
5. It helps you to appreciate whatever “package” he has.
Again — and it really can’t be said enough — if shallowing is all about exploring the mere entrance of your vagina, you don’t need a man with BDE (check out “BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go”) or honestly, even anything close to it.
I mean, even though, reportedly, the size that the average woman says gives her the most orgasms is eight inches — I bet those women have never really tried shallowing before. 10”, 8”, or the average 5.5” can certainly get the job done. And well.
6. It feels A-MAZ-ING.
Okay,so now that you know about shallowing, I promise that if you put the word into your favorite search engine, you’re either gonna see articles on golfing (LOL) or sex, especially as of late. That’s because more couples are trying it out and getting mind-blowing results from it. So, if you’re looking for something new to try, give shallowing a shot.
Hey, anything that’s designed to stimulate your most intense vaginal nerve endings has got to be something for the record books. I mean, how could it not be? Lawd.
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Featured image by Juan Moyano/Getty Images