10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex
Contrary to the assumption of a lot of single people, I know quite a few married folks that have a really great sex life. Some of them even profess that it gets better with time because they are emotionally in sync with their partner and, the more they both learn what works and what doesn't, the better they get at satisfying each other. Not every once in a while. Consistently so.
Matter of fact, when it comes to a lot of the conversations that I have with married couples, if they've got a complaint about the current state of their sex life, it has nothing to do with their partner or the sex act itself; it's all about trying to figure out how to find the time to do it—or do it more often.
Sometimes life is so hectic that, once noon hits, it seems like the day is already a wrap. If you're married, and that's exactly how you've been feeling lately, I've got a list of 10 ways to easily help you to make time for more sex with your boo. Honestly, they are things that your subconscious already knows about. Just see this as a way to mentally reignite the fire and urge so that you won't wait until you have time to get it in, but that you will make time to do so. No matter what.
1. Hop into the Shower Together
Ah yes, shower sex. One of my favorite scenes from the show Insecure is when Issa tries to be sexually spontaneous with Lawrence and invites him to get into the shower with her. There wasn't enough room, the water temperature wasn't right, and everyone was slipping all over the place. That was some realism for yo ass right there. Still, I'm a firm believer that where there's a will, there's a way, and some of the benefits of shower-themed coitus is that it saves time (in the sense that you can have sex and get clean simultaneously), the extra wetness can be super sexy and, it makes period sex easier on both parties.
To pull it off, you just need to make sure that you do the following—set the water temperature before jumping in; put a non-stick mat on the floor of your tub and have a bathmat right outside of your tub too (so that nobody falls), and review some sex positions that are both comfortable and hazard-free (check out "10 Sex Positions That Will Make You Actually Enjoy Shower Sex"). If you do all of this, having sex in the shower is a great way to get a little lovin' in if you and yours are truly pressed for time.
2. Wake Up 30 Minutes Earlier. Or Go to Bed 30 Minutes Later.
If you're an engaged person who's reading this, one thing that I recommend you discuss with your soon-to-be spouse is who's a morning person and who's a night owl. While it might not seem like a big deal to you now, there are many married couples who aren't getting as much sex as they would like, all because their partner wants to sleep—and have sex—at a different time than they do.
A big key to having a successful marriage is compromise. That said, another way to make more sex happen is for the night owl to wake up 30 minutes earlier or the morning person to go to bed 30 minutes later. If you happen to be the night owl and morning sex isn't necessarily your thing, check out "Here's How To Make Morning Sex...Sexier". Something tells me that it just might change your mind.
3. Take a “Lunch Break” at Your House
A lot of people in my world happen to work from home; they also share their lives with someone who does the same. Something that they tell me is a real perk to having their partner within earshot all day long is they're able to stop for "sex breaks" whenever they want. That got me to thinking that another way to make sex happen when you don't have all of the time in the world is to schedule a lunch break when you and your man can meet up at home and well, you know.
Maybe it's just me, but there's something really hot about meeting up in the middle of the day; especially if you've got kids and they're at school because that means that you can "engage" all over the house while being just as loud as you wanna be.
If you can manage to make it a late lunch, that's even better since research reveals that the best time to get some is approximately around 3pm. Don't ask me which time zone. They didn't exactly address that part. But really, so long as you're getting some, does it matter?
4. Save Your Favorite Television Show—for Later
I'm old enough to remember when VCRs were all the rage. I was also a freshman in college when we all got mass access to the world wide web (wow, right?). Technology has come a long way from when I was a little one. One of the benefits of that is the fact that there really is no such thing as missing a television show anymore. Whatever it is, you can see again on On Demand, Hulu or an app. So, whatever show that is your guilty pleasure (because we all have one; sometimes I can't avoid 90 Day Fiancé no matter how much I try), be intentional about watching it later. Then use that 30 minutes—or better yet, an hour—to spend some much-needed quality time with your spouse. That program ain't goin' anywhere. It'll be waiting on you, soon as you're…done.
5. Go a Week Without Social Media (at Home)
If you want to know whether or not you are addicted to social media, check out some of the stats from "44 Social Media Addiction Statistics Everyone Must Know". If you'd like the Cliff Notes, some of the signs is that you freak out whenever Instagram or Twitter isn't working, you lose sleep or don't complete tasks because you're constantly distracted by what's on line and, your sex life is continually on the decline.
There are a few reasons why social media can wreak havoc on your sex life. It distracts you. It connects you with people that you quite possibly don't need to reconnect with (like your exes). The images that you are constantly bombarded with can do a real number on your body image and self-esteem. It can keep you from engaging with people who are in "the real world" because you are always "plugged in".
Not too long ago, I penned a piece on here entitled "Married Couples, What You May Need Is Sex. Every Day. For A Month. Straight." Some of my clients have done this before; they say it's one of the best things that has ever happened to their sex life as well as their relationship overall. If a part of you is down to try it, but you're also wondering when in the world you would find the time to make it happen, I've got an idea—how about you go on a social media fast during those same 30 days? If the mere thought of that has you going into cold sweats, that's another sign that you could probably use it. And by "it", I mean the fast and the sex, because something is up if you get off more on your Facebook and LinkedIn than you do your spouse. Just sayin'.
6. Multitask in the Kitchen
Kitchen sex is bomb too. Sitting on the counter makes "things" more, uh, accessible. The fridge and pantry are right at your disposal. Spatulas, dish towels and water sprayers can become the ultimate kind of sex toys. Need I go on? Although, if you've got kids, this might be something that you should only consider when they're at grandma's, if you don't have any children, the kitchen can quickly turn into one of the most erotic rooms in your entire house. This is especially the case if you get the urge to eat while you're cooking which, to me, is the ultimate form of multitasking. Oh, and I'm not talking about eating food either. #wink
7. Turn All Electronics Off by a Certain Time
If your television wasn't in your bedroom. If your laptop wasn't your "man on the side". If you actually set your smartphone on silent or—gasp!—charged it in another room at night, I bet you'd have more time for sex than you thought you did. I say it often because it can't be said enough—I totally agree with interior decorators when they say that bedrooms should be used for sex and sleep only. If you refuse to purge your room of your electronics, at least commit to turning them off by a certain time a few days a week. If you're wondering what you should do with all of that extra time and attention that you just freed up, kindly refer to the title of this article—again.
8. Get a Babysitter. Then a Hotel Room.
You know what they say—we don't always have time. Sometimes, what we've got to do is make time. If you can't remember the last time that you and yours went on a date, there's no time like the present to hire a babysitter (or ask a friend to have your child over for an impromptu sleepover) so that you can go on one. Dinner is cool. But how about turning your date into a sex date by going to a hotel (one that has room service) instead of out to a restaurant? Yes, chile. I don't know one single person on this entire planet who doesn't find hotel sex to be a Top Five favorite.
If you're totally down, but money is a little tight, I've got a few hacks for you to try. For starters, if you find a deal on sites like Expedia or Hotels, remember that they charge commission fees. Once you see a rate that suits your budget, call the hotel directly and see if they will honor it if you book via them directly (more times than not, they will). Speaking of booking directly, another way to get some cool rates is to download the app of the hotel where you want to go. As far as the cheapest days to get a room, apparently it's on Sundays, Mondays and Tuesdays. But if you book on one of those days, life happens, and you need to cancel a non-refundable reservation, you can try to resell your room on sites like RoomerTravel or Cancelon. Now how about getting that room?
9. Don’t Run from a Quickie
You might've read somewhere that it takes a man, on average, around five minutes to orgasm while it takes a woman somewhere between 13-25 minutes (foreplay included). What this proves is simultaneous orgasms are about mastering the art of timing more than anything else. What this also reveals is most of us are more than capable of climaxing in under 15 minutes which some would qualify as being a quickie.
Listen, I'll be the first one to say that while R&B songs are leaning towards the unrealistic when they talk about having sex all night long (ALL night long?!), the art of the seduction and the techniques involved with unrushed foreplay are bar none. Still, there is something that can be equally as satisfying about having a quickie while brushing your teeth in the morning or finishing up your nighttime routine before turning in.
The spontaneity of it, along with the I've-just-got-to-have-you-ness of it all, makes a quickie something that should never be underestimated or overlooked. Especially when you're really pressed for time.
10. Plan for It
The reason why we've published articles on the site like "Is Scheduled Sex Really Better Than No Sex At All?" before is because we get that as steamy, seductive and even romantic spontaneous sex may be, sometimes life schedules and demands make it difficult to have the kind of sex that you and your spouse truly desire. While the remedy to that may be to simply put it on your calendars, be honest—isn't it better to plan for sex than to look up and realize that it's been weeks since you've had any at all? It's a rhetorical question, but I'm pretty sure we can all agree on the answer.
Ain't nothin' wrong with scheduling sex, y'all. It means that you're making intimate time a priority and that's something to be proud of. Making time for sex with your spouse always is—and should be.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
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What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Couple Almost Let Their 8-Year Age Gap Keep Them From Finding Love With One Another
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Courtesy
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Stacey: *thinks*
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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2024 Dating Landscape: How Black Singles Are Redefining Dating Norms & Preferences
In 2024, there’s tons of thought and strategy that can go into dating online. While dating apps offer a convenient space to find potential partners, it’s become more complicated by the day to know just how to land a worthwhile match at all. With paywalls, roses, and Super Likes to push past while using dating apps, a common sentiment among singles is: do these apps really want us to find love at all?
Dating hopefuls are taking time to reevaluate their approach to dating as many discussions surrounding online dating are significantly influencing user behavior, particularly among Black singles. According to Jonathan Kirkland, Head of Brand and Marketing for BLK, these conversations shape the thoughts, expectations, and actions of singles and how they engage with dating platforms.
“The Black conversation shapes up the online dating world big time. We’ve seen how discussions around inclusivity, authenticity, and cultural relevance have driven more users to [dating] platforms, where they feel represented and understood,” Kirkland tells xoNecole. “But hey, it's all about personal vibes. Instead of buying into the hype, we're all about our community creating their own stories and shifting the narrative.”
How Online Dating Discourse Shapes Gen Z and Millennial Dating Preferences and Behaviors
Ilka & Franz/Getty Images
Across different age groups, distinct shifts in dating preferences and behaviors have been observed. Kirkland tells us that Gen Z prioritizes authenticity, social awareness, and online connectivity, while Millennials are focused on sharing values, pursuing their aspirations, and authentically representing their cultural identity.
These changes are not only shifting how singles are approaching the app, they’re influencing the flexibility in what was once seen as “non-negotiables" in long-term desires that are now becoming plausible considerations.
In a recent survey conducted by BLK, 100% of Gen Z and Millennials who participated in the study said they'd be open to starting a family with a friend. “It’s like, life's throwing them curveballs, and they're flipping the script on what family means,” Kirkland explains.
“Gen Z sees this whole platonic co-parenting thing as a game-changer for how we do families, making things more flexible and diverse. Millennials say it's all about building up your chosen family and locking down those intentional connections. Times are definitely changing.”
As culture evolves and social norms shift, these findings show that daters across generations are embodying a sense of adaptability in order to create the life they desire and love they deserve. That’s why we’ve tapped BLK’s Johnathan Kirkland to put us onto the 2024 dating trends that will help you win at love.
On the top trends singles can look forward to in the 2024 online dating space:
“One trend is ‘dawn dating,’ where you squeeze in dates before your workday kicks off. This offers a new level of convenience and efficiency,” he explains.
“And since it's an election year, get ready for 'partisan dating.' That's where singles prefer connecting with someone who's vibing on the same political wavelength. And with so many young voters more into the issues rather than the candidates, expect some real deep convos over policy matters.”
“Plus, we’re going to see more of a focus on looking after your mental health while you're dating. Platforms are rolling out initiatives to help you build solid relationships, while also prioritizing your own wellbeing,” he adds.
On the best icebreakers to hit a conversational flow with new matches:
Kirkland says that while breaking the ice can be difficult, one way to break the ice is to throw out questions that show your genuine interest. “Ask about their passions, where they love to travel, or maybe something cool they've experienced culturally lately.”
“It’s also nice to toss in a fun pop culture question, like, ‘So, are you #TeamMegan or #TeamNicki?’ It's all about getting that convo flowing.” he suggests. "BLK recently rolled out new profile prompts in our app last year to help spark these conversations. They're little conversation starters you can display on your profile, written or even voiced, so people can slide into your DMs without any awkwardness.”
On the best practices for users looking to connect with men who have aligned dating goals and avoid hookup culture:
“If you're on the lookout for that long-term love, you know it must be with someone who’s on the same page as you. That's where setting intentions in your profile comes in,” Kirkland shares.
“Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious, too. Look for hints in their profiles, like if they're talking about their future goals or if your interests and values seem to click. But it's not all about what's written down. When you start chatting, keep it real and open. Lay it all out on the table early on—no beating around the bush.”
"Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious too."
He continues, “Whether it's long-term love, a casual vibe, or just making new pals. No more wasting time on matches that aren't on the same page as you.”
On the advice he’d give to users who want to give dating apps another try, but are discouraged to do so:
“Let’s be honest. Dating apps are like any other technology —they're constantly evolving. So that app you checked out last year may have added new features, cool filters, and better ways to connect,” Kirkland says.
“If you're feeling a bit anxious about diving back into the dating app world, remember this: every swipe, chat, and date is a chance to learn something new about yourself. It's all about growth and discovery. Keep an open mind, but don't forget to set some boundaries and stay true to yourself. And if it all gets a bit overwhelming, take a breather.”
He adds, “Focus on some self-care, hit up your friends for a pep talk, or even chat with a pro if you need to. Because hey, who knows? The perfect match might just be a swipe away — so keep swiping.”
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