Trust me, I know how it feels to take a long time to fully release a man that you love. And when I say "long time", I'm not talking about a few months either.
I've been pretty open about the fact that when it comes to my first love, it took a little over two decades to really and truly get over him (for the record, to me, "over him" means although there is complete peace between us, he no longer has any piece of my heart, seeing him no longer triggers butterflies, and there's no possibility of there being a romantic future moving forward).
Why the heck did it take so long?
There are a few factors that come into play. Physically, he is soooo my type. Although I was sexually-abused as a child (and teen), he is also the first person I chose to give my body to. Even to this day, I dig his brain (a smart man with a lot of wit is the ultimate aphrodisiac for me!). But I think, more than anything, I'm simply not wired to "kinda love" someone. Either I'm all in or I'm all out and since he was my first experience with romantic love, once I started, I didn't have an exit plan.
So, what finally got me past all of that? Going to lunch with him one day back in 2015. For the billionth time since 1993, we discussed that maybe this time something could work. But for whatever the reason, when he said to me, "I've always loved you and I'm always going to love you", something in me clicked. It was like, in those few seconds, my mind scanned over our on again/off again emotional roller coaster ride and I honestly couldn't tell the difference between how he treated me when we were in love, when there was just love between us, and when we tried to co-exist by liking one another as friends.
That's when I knew it was time to bring our perplexing lil' love story to a close. It's also when I realized that unless every human being knows the distinctions between like, love, and in love, we can find ourselves thinking that just because someone uses a particular word that the actions that should express it will follow.
Yes, they should. But unless the person saying them actually knows what they're saying as they're saying them, there's a huge chance that they won't.
Here's what I mean by that:
Like is cool. It's when you know that you're attracted to someone beyond the physical. You enjoy some of the same things. You see a lot of life the same way. You're not thinking too deeply about where things could go in the future, but you know that you definitely want to spend more time with this particular individual.
And so, you go on a few dates. Come to think of it, "date" might be a strong word at first because it implies there is a romantic connection; however, sometimes folks are not sure what the connection is — yet. Hmph. Come to think of it, this right here can oftentimes be the cause of a lot of disillusionment with relationships because while Person A thinks "Let's catch a movie" means that Person B is really digging them, Person B actually may be asking in order to see if there is real chemistry — or not. (Amen? Amen!)
Like is platonic (although one day I'll break down what that word really means). Like means both people are free to see other people. Like offers absolutely no guarantees and, to tell you the truth, like also doesn't come with a ton of expectations either.
Two people who like each other are on the road to becoming friends and maybe something more. But if nothing comes out of "the like", there are no hard feelings (or at least there shouldn't be).
Love is what grows from like. Or at least it should. I say should because, unfortunately, there are a lot of married couples I work with whose main problem is they skipped over like and jumped right into love (or lust that looked like love to them at the time). So when all of the fireworks and excitement died down, they realized they didn't complement each other very well and actually didn't like each other very much.
Anyway, when someone loves you, they care about you on a deeper level than like. There is a profound connection. They make investments into you and the relationship. They are careful with your heart and time. They know something is real and they are (typically) open to exploring it. They see you and adore what they see.
Here's the challenge, though. You probably know (or at least heard) that there are different kinds of love — eros (sexual); philia (friendship); storge (the love between family); agape (universal love; the kind we should have for all mankind); ludus (uncommitted love); pragma (practical love; for instance, a lot of marriages start out with a lot of eros but stay married due to pragma), and philautia (self-love).
Can you just imagine how much time, pain, or even, based on the situation, disgust could be spared if the first time when a man said, "I love you" we followed that up, "Wait. What kind are we talking about here? You love me like you wanna get some, you love me like a friend, you love me like you love people at your church, or you love me like you dig me but have no intentions on ever committing to me?"
Unfortunately, love is used so loosely that a lot of us assume that the way we view it is the way someone else does. If there's a word you should never move on based on assumptions, love would have to be it.
A while back, I penned an article on this site entitled "5 Signs That You're In Love (All By Yourself)." I've been there, which is why I wrote it. But to tell you the truth, life, research, and maturity have all taught me that being in love alone is kind of impossible to do.
Here's why I say that. Whenever we're sharing the fact that we're in love with someone, what do we usually say? "I'm IN love WITH so-and-so." The word "in" means to be in a place, position, or type of relationship. The word "with" means to be accompanied by.
So tell me something. If being in love with an individual means, by definition, that you are in a position and kind of relationship where they are accompanying you in the same kind of love you have for them, how can you possibly be in love with someone…alone?
I can't tell you the number of single women I've talked to who find themselves being straight-up pissed all because they are in love with a man who isn't in love with them. But when it comes to being in love, if he's not right there with you, in love is not what you are. You may love him a lot, but in love? Highly doubtful.
Believe you me, I could go on and on with a topic like this but, hopefully, this provided a bit of a blueprint as you're figuring out the whole like-love-in love thing in your own life.
Like looks and lives a certain way. Love looks and lives a certain way. In love sho 'nuf looks and lives a certain way. Look for the clear signs of what you're dealing with first and then — for the sake of your mind, body and spirit — move accordingly.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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