Let’s Settle This "Black Women Don’t Get Married" Thing Once & For All
Black women have a harder time getting married than anyone else. Chile. How many times have we all heard that?
Listen, it's not like I don't see the clickbait. There are studies from highly respected sources that say divorce rates are higher for Black women than white ones and we "also have relatively high rates of marital instability." To that I say, "define instability" because stats reveal that whites and Blacks divorce at about the same rate (it's Hispanics and Asians who remain married the most; Native Americans who get divorced the most).
All of this is solid data. It's also only one side of the coin. In "The Top 4 Myths About Black Marriage," it was cited that the ever-so-popular statistic, "42 percent of Black women never marry" actually includes women who are as young as 18 years of age (people who are barely adults). If you remove the teenagers from this, the percentages drop significantly.
How often do you hear this kind of information shared about Black women and marriage?
Research also revealed that according to 2005-2009 census data, a whopping 75 percent of Black women actually DO get married before they turn 35. Also, Black women in small towns have higher marriage rates than white women who live in urban cities like New York and Los Angeles. This article also states that 70 percent of college-educated Black women are married by the age of 40.
Is it just me or is the takeaway from this info that it's not that Black women aren't getting married; it's that they are getting married later in life — once we are more established, settled, and know exactly what we want — and don't want, in a relationship or otherwise.
Personally, I think this all proves that if we're not getting married as often or quickly as the media thinks that we should (and who cares what they think?!), it's because we're more pro-healthy relationships than undesirable when it comes to saying, "I do."
On behalf of us all, I believe this is why we're OK with not rushing (or even having to) jump a broom.
We Respect Marriage.
I don't know why this isn't brought up more, but there is an overwhelming amount of Black women who find marriage to be so serious and sacred that they don't want to do it until they can truly honor it. That requires being holistically healthy, finding the right complement in a partner, and making sure we — and our partner — are emotionally and spiritually mature enough to mean "til death parts us."
For the Christians reading this, it's kind of like in Matthew 19, when Christ broke down the expectations of marriage and the disciples said (paraphrased and modernized), "Man. If marriage takes all that, I'm good. I'll stay single."
Exactly. Some of us aren't married because until we're sure we can take on the awesome weight and responsibility of that kind of union, we'd rather leave it alone. We should be respected for thinking that highly of marriage.
We Love Singleness.
What is the problem with singleness? Goodness. If you've read more than a couple of my articles on here, you know that I'm all for cracking open a dictionary on the regular. That said, yes, singleness does mean "not in a romantic relationship" and "in an unmarried state". You know what else it means? Unique, sincere, and undivided. Some of its synonyms include particular, special, exclusive, exceptional, rare, peerless, uncommon and unrivaled. I don't know about you, but those sound like words that need to go on somebody's T-shirt line to me!
Did I think I would be 45-in-June and still single? Absolutely not. Especially not 20 years ago. But you know what? The more time I spend counseling couples, working on and celebrating myself and enjoying my seasons as they come, and the more I watch folks try and heal from broken marriages, chile…I'm good. Better than that.
I like being exclusive, rare, and undivided. I like knowing that I love men but I'm not needy for them. I like knowing that marriage should be seen as a blessing but not some mandated life goal. And, I really like resting in the fact that if I ever do get married, it will be because it will add to my life — not fill some void.
We Refuse to Settle.
Another informative read is "High-Achieving Black Women and Marriage: Not Choosing or Not Chosen?" It was the subtitle that really caught my attention — "Black SWANS (Strong Women Achievers, No Spouse)".
Some things that the author cited is, "There are 157 Black women for every 100 Black men while there are approximately 450 white men for every 100 white women in [the $100,000 annual income] bracket!" and "If we just count people with master's and doctoral degrees, there are 209 black women for every hundred men versus 133 white women, 101 Asian women and 173 Latinas for every hundred of those men".
Hmm. If a Black woman invested time in order to create a life where she earned multiple degrees and a six-figure salary and then decided that she wanted a partner who did the same, what's wrong with that? I'll answer for you — absolutely nothing.
As for me — a woman who doesn't fall into either category — what am I waiting on? First, I'm not waiting. I'm living my life. Second, something that I know how to do is love. I LOVE BIG too. Whenever someone asks me why I'm still single, I simply say, "Until a man can love me the way I know I love, I'm cool." When you love yourself big, you're not only able to say things like that, you're able to mean it.
Why love yourself in a healthy way and then settle for someone who won't do the same? Yeah, what the media also doesn't speak on enough is most of us are single by choice versus circumstance.
And our choice is to not settle. Point, blank, and period.
We’re in No Rush.
The women I know who desire children (and want to be married when they have them), once they hit their mid-30s, my heart does go out to them (although women are having healthy children well into their 40s and even 50s these days). I'd venture to say that most people who are already parents would still warn against getting married just so you can have kids. That's too much pressure to put on yourself or your unborn children.
But overall, most of the single Black women I know who do want to get married someday are in no rush. They're too focused on getting degrees, starting businesses, traveling the world — doing what my mother advises to single people: "Do everything you can't compromise before getting married because marriage is all about compromise."
When your life is full of goals, plans, and adventures, you're too excited about what's already on your to-do list to be worrying about whether or not a husband is in your future. I mean, you're literally so busy that the thought doesn't have room to cross your mind as nearly as much as your mom or aunt wants it to.
So, can everyone finally stop trying to freak us Black women out about marriage?
Marriage is dope. So is singleness. When we're ready to jump a broom, you can rest assure that it will be because it will make the life we already have that much bigger — and that's some really big shoes to fill!
Until then, don't let the click bait fool you.
Trust us when we say we're doing just fine. Because we are.
All the definitions of single confirm and affirm it.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
Monique Rodriguez Of Mielle Organics On How Identifying Your Hair Love Language Is A Radical Act of Self-Care
Monique Rodriguez, CEO and founder of award-winning textured hair care brand Mielle Organics, is one of the most in-demand natural hair care companies and a dominating force within the billion-dollar hair industry. The wife, mother, and beauty boss credits much of her success to taking calculated risks versus playing it safe. She says, "Being comfortable and playing it safe will produce mediocre results. When you take calculated risks, you're betting on yourself."
Stemming from a passion project to building a multi-million dollar empire and having nearly a decade in the game, the global entrepreneur's philosophy that the "risk is worth the reward" has proven vital throughout her career.
"The journey to success includes a lot of failures. You have to have the mindset of knowing that you're going to try something and will likely fail. You're going to make a lot of mistakes, but that's part of the risk-taking," Rodriguez exclusively told xoNecole.
But more importantly, her undeniable desire to level the playing field by helping to encourage, uplift, and educate women on how to fall in love with their natural curls and learn their specific hair type needs is a concept that has allowed her company to thrive in the marketplace by intimately connecting with consumers.
Monique Rodriguez
Photo courtesy of Monique Rodriguez
It's no secret that for many women of color, our curls and coils have taken on an intricate self-discovery journey through self-love, for some, self-hatred, and for others, self-awareness. This sentiment is shared even among natural hair care crusaders like Rodriguez.
"I would describe my relationship with my hair over the years as a love-hate relationship. When I was younger, I really didn't embrace my hair. I didn't like the fact that my hair was super curly. I couldn't find ways to manage or style it, and I became very frustrated."
But learning to properly love and tend to individualized hair care needs extends far beyond the surface. It is a radical act of self-care. Women's (and men's) hair and identity of African descent have been closely interconnected for centuries, another reason she has made it her mission to empower the next generation, specifically her daughters, with the confidence to embrace their natural curls.
"When I was younger, I didn't see examples of women that looked like me, whether on the red carpet, on TV, or on a movie screen, embracing natural curls. Now, my girls have the opportunity to see more women of influence rocking their natural curls on the big screens because that really influences and pushes our culture forward."
So, how does Rodriguez suggest building a healthy relationship with one's hair? "Number one, embrace the uniqueness of your hair, and number two, do not compare your hair journey to someone else's. Just like our DNA and our fingerprints, no fingerprint or DNA is exactly the same. The first step in learning to love your hair is to be patient."
She further emphasized, "Even though we see different curl patterns and we see different women on TV, on social media with curls and we say, 'I want my hair to look like that.' It's great to use it as inspiration but not get your head set on it. You have to think about what's healthy for you and your body and what representation you want to give your kids and your community."
This is why her vision for Mielle is built on being more than a beauty brand but a purpose-driven company with the mission to lift as you climb, evidenced by her recent HBCU partnerships with Howard University's swim team and Florida A&M's (FAMU) cheerleading squad.
"Our goal is to bridge the gap between sports and beauty. We know that one of the huge barriers with women athletes, and especially with swimming, is that I can probably swim, but I don't want to get my hair messed up. I want to ensure that these women on these teams have access to quality products, so they don't have to worry about their hair."
With ongoing TikTok trends for various textured hair and other viral social media hacks, the Psychology of hair is a universal conversation. Several studies suggest that it can drastically affect our crowning glory mentally, emotionally, and physically, contributing to the types of extracurricular activities we involve ourselves with to how we look, feel, and view ourselves. A belief Rodriguez agrees with.
"I always style my hair according to my mood. However I style my hair, it can uplift my mood, and that's the goal behind Mielle: it's a movement to empower and excite women, men, and the whole family about healthy hair. I strongly believe that when you look good, you feel good and feel very confident and can go out and conquer the world."
For Rodriguez, her go-to styles that ignite her confidence to step out into the world and own any room she walks in are rotated between "a wash and go, a bun, or I'll straighten my hair." With time, patience, and gentleness, the mompreneur has learned that her hair love language is quality time.
However, even for the self-proclaimed Queen of Hair, discovering her unique hair love language through the years has not been easy. So whether you are just starting your hair care journey, overwhelmed with figuring out what works best, or don't know where to start, she urges you to "give yourself grace."
Establishing a healthy relationship with your "natural hair takes time. It is not going to happen overnight." It is more than skin-deep; it is deep-seated and is also a reflection of developing a healthy relationship with oneself because the two are closely linked.
This is where Mielle Organics steps in as not just a beauty brand but a movement to close the gap—armed with not only products but also the support, community, and resources to pass the crown from "One Queen To Another" to have the freedom to rock your natural curls with confidence, style, and ease. It is liberation, and it is your symbol of your personal identity.
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Feature image courtesy of Monique Rodriguez