BDE: Please Let The "It Needs To Be Huge" Myth Go
There are a lot of things that I enjoy about being a marriage life coach. One of them is, you get to hear some of the "back in the kitchen" truths about husbands and wives. Stuff that, outside of a counseling session, you might not discover (outside of being married) any other way; especially when it comes to sex-related issues. Take penises, for example. I can't tell you how many times a couple, one who is on the verge of being sexless, has included a wife who has looked me dead in my eyes and said, "Girl, a big d—k ain't all it's cracked up to be. Believe that."
And you know what? She's right. As someone who, back in my sexually active days, used to make it my mission to make sure that a man was long and strong (with a side of girth, similar to the girls featured in this skit right here), I've got to say (and believe I've shared before) that the one who ended up giving me the most vaginal orgasms was someone who was, for the most part, smaller than all of the rest. We were tight (at the time). He was sexually curious, adventurous and giving. And yes, I'm sure that all played a part in my pleasure too. But I'll be honest with you—if I only factored in his member alone, I'd still say that he played a real role in dispelling the ridiculous myth that if a man ain't huge, he need not apply.
If you read what I just said and you're saying to yourself, "Girrrl, please", this article was written with you in mind. Matter of fact, I got a couple of women in my life to share that while it might be popular to say that a man needs a large penis in order to truly (sexually) satisfy a woman, at the end of the day, he actually…doesn't.
Who First Told You That You “Needed” A Large Penis?
I don't think we realize, just how much outside voices influence—and sometimes even infect—us. I mean, it's not like we all came out of the womb with a natural longing for a man with a big penis; it's not like it's a natural part of our DNA. But media, porn and conversations either we've had or eavesdropped on that brought up the subject (oh, and don't even get me started on how much Black people has been sexualized and fetishized in America) have all played a clear role in making us think that if a man isn't at least 8-9 inches, he's not worthy of getting any action.
Don't believe me? Somehow think that you came to that conclusion all by yourself? If so, take out your journal and think back to the first time you thought about male genitalia in a sexual way. When size and/or sexual pleasure came into the picture, if you thought that your partner(s) needed to be huge in order to please you, where did you get that idea from? I'd be shocked if it was internal. I'd also be surprised if you even pondered if that conclusion was even true—or not. Let's keep going.
Penises, on Average, Are Much Smaller Than You Think
So, before sharing with you some of the thoughts that a wife, who has a husband with a huge penis, has to say on the topic, let's discuss reality for a moment, shall we? First, I'm thinking that it's pretty common knowledge at this point that roughly 75 percent of women struggle with experiencing a vaginal orgasm (which is an orgasm that comes strictly from vaginal penetration). So already, if penetration doesn't automatically "do it for ya", what do you need a big member for? OK, but let's keep going.
Also, did you know that our most intense vaginal nerve endings are within the first two inches of our vagina? Technically, this means that if a guy is three inches or more when he's erect, he can still get the job done. Good thing too because (brace yourselves) reportedly less than 20 percent of men have a penis that is larger than six inches (erect). As far as someone who is seven inches or more? Penises only fall into that "very large" category with only three percent of guys (you can read more about this here and here).
I've been knowing all of this for quite some time. That's why, whenever I hear a man brag about how much he's "packin'", the first thing that comes to my mind is, "Somehow, I doubt it", followed by, "Have you ever actually measured it, sir?". The reason why I say this is because, if a man is simply going on assumption (or hyping himself up), how does he actually know if he's small (under five inches), average (between 5-6") or large (7" or up). This brings me to my next point.
Because You Don’t Need a Big D*ck. You Really Don’t.
Just like a lot of guys believe that they are "huge" without really knowing for sure if that is the case at all, tons of women automatically assume that their partner is large-and-in-charge too. For those ladies, the same points apply—how do you know how big your partner really is, if you haven't measured his penis before? Because now that actual inches have been shared, have you considered that maybe you've been with a lot of "5s" (or girthy instead of long penises) and so, in walks a "barely 7" and your mind is blown, when really…it's still just a 7? Either way, now that you know that over three inches can actually stimulate the part of your va-jay-jay that needs to get off, what is the big freakin' deal about a big d—k anyway? Especially if you're not someone who has vaginal orgasms from them to begin with.
This brings me to the wife that I was telling you about a little while ago. Let's call her Angela. Angela has been with her man for over 25 years and married to him for almost 20. I actually call her "the penis whisperer" because she has the uncanny ability of being able to guess a man's size (more from the angle of being small, medium or large than the actual inches) without ever seeing his penis (she's been spot-on with some of my exes). Anyway, according to her (and her man when he's being obnoxious), her hubby is really large—shoot, even larger than that. At the same time, she makes it very clear that having a man with a big d—ck is certainly not all that it's cracked up to be.
"I've been with small and large penises. One guy, his was abnormally small due to an injury. My husband, he is one of the largest I've had. The smaller guy was much more satisfying than all of the big men I've been with. One reason is because guys with big d—ks typically have a lot of ego, even in bed. They think that they can just 'bang you out' and you'll automatically be satisfied, while the smaller guy, the sex was far more sensual. His penis wasn't all that he brought to the experience and so he focused on more than believing his d—ck was enough. Plus, if you're someone who has truly had a big penis before, you know that it can take a while to get fully adjusted to it. With the smaller guy, I could totally relax and 'take him in' without any awkwardness or pain. Our bodies are made to adjust to any size, but personally, I think a lot of us have been conditioned to think that a big d—ck is a big deal when, at the end of the day, all you really end up with is a sore p—sy and a hurt back."
Hey, she's not alone in this conclusion. I read an article on Medical News Today's site that not only said that men are far more concerned with penis size than women are, but the majority of women don't need a big d—ck in order to be sexually satisfied either. Surprise, surprise.
Care More About What a Man Can Do Than What He’s “Got”
This brings me to another woman who I interviewed for this particular piece. Let's call her Monica. She too is married, only her husband is smaller than most of her past sexual partners; considerably so.
"I remember when I saw my husband's penis for the first time. In my mind, I was like, 'Dude. Where's the rest of it?' But 10 years in, I can tell you, while some of my 'big d—k guys' were OK in bed, more than anything, I ended up with bladder infections and UTIs than orgasms. Meanwhile, my husband is awesome because he is so giving, his stamina is amazing and he cares more about pleasing me than impressing me with his member, you know?
"It takes maturity to realize that hypersexualizing Black men is something else that white culture has done. The Mandingo complex is played out. If a man is making love to you, truly making love to you, trust me—you will prefer that over some large penis any day."
Amen. I totally agree. While a big d—k isn't a "bad" thing, when it comes to deciphering the criteria that you need in order to be sexually fulfilled, it is so important to have higher expectations than that alone. What else do you need—shoot, more than need; require—in order to thoroughly enjoy your sexual experiences. What kind of foreplay do you like? What kind of afterplay experiences do you desire? How does your partner need to embrace your erogenous zones? What's your oral sex preferences? What makes you feel the most sexy? If you really stop and take these types of questions in, do you really need a HUGE MAN in order to fulfill you? If you're really honest with yourself, somehow, I seriously doubt it.
Embrace That “Average” Can Still Be Really (REALLY) Good
While this is the kind of topic that I really could go on and on about, my bottom line is actually quite simple—if penis size truly matters to you, I get that. Just try and not make it matter so much that you program yourself into thinking that unless a man is gigantic, you won't be pleased. Because, for all of the reasons that I just shared with you (and so many more), that's just not true. Just like a woman doesn't need huge tits or a big clitoris in order to sexually satisfy a man, the same apples on the flip gender side. Believing otherwise isn't based on facts; it really is just a myth.
So, if you've got a man who is 5-6" down below and somehow, in the back of your mind, you find that to be some sort of sexual concession prize, please don't. So long as those first two inches inside of your vagina are thoroughly getting tended to, your partner gets off on pleasing you and you both accept each other fully, you can have some really great sex. Hmph. Better than a lot of women who've got a big ole' d—ck in their bed. And that's real talk right there, sis.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl 100: Get To Know Some Of The Most Inspiring And Empowering Women On Our List
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
We often see lists featuring amazing women who are seasoned in this thing called life, and our ItGirl 100 List gives flowers to the people they’ve passed the torch to: young millennial and Gen Z women who are innovating and disrupting in today’s world of advancement.
xoNecole has partnered with Hyundai for its inaugural ItGirl 100 List to give these women their flowers today. It’s a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who have built their own tables, launched new businesses, and redefined what it truly means to be blessed, booked, and busy.
Here’s a snapshot of fun facts from a few of the women listed on the ItGirl 100, representing the East, West, Midwest, and South:
EAST
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DJ 9AM: DJ & Curator
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "On My Mama" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Nia Long
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Taurus Moon, Pisces Rising
Favoring open-format, multi-genre mixes, this DJ has created a winning reputation for rocking a crowd with seamless transitions and selections, always representing Southwest musical and cultural influences.
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Tiffany James, Founder, Modern BLK Girl
Representing:Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Lucky Girl" by Carlina
Favorite OG It Girl:Naomi Campbell
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Virgo Rising
Modern BLK Girl is one of the leading investment groups among women of color, and the founder serves as an avid investor, community builder, and advocate. Tiffany James is also a mentor, utilizing her unique combination of financial and fashion expertise.
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Kat Mateo, Casting Director
Representing: New Jersey
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Princess Going Digital" by Amaarae
Favorite OG It Girl: Kelis, Eve, Lil Kim
Zodiac Big Three: Aries Sun, Cancer Moon, Cancer Rising
Thriving as a casting director and stylist, Kat Mateo offers a unique point of view that has shaped New York Fashion Week shows, ad campaigns, and editorials. She has also been a major contributor to cultural conversations related to fashion and inclusivity.
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Denise Stephanie Hewitt, Photographer
Representing: Brooklyn
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Experience" by Victoria Monét
Favorite OG It Girl: Hannah Montana
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Aquarius Moon, Aquarius Rising
This Gordon Parks Foundation scholar is a full-time student who has been working to expand her freelance career in photography. Denise is also been featured among Essence'sinaugural list of "Top 10 Creators Under 30," for her unique aesthetics and perceptions through her art.
WEST
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Nayamka Roberts-Smith, Aesthetician
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Tomorrow 2" by GloRilla & Cardi B
Favorite OG It Girl: Meagan Good
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Rising
Nayamka Roberts-Smith is an award-winning professional in the skincare industry and serves as an educator, offering knowledge on beauty culture. She also is a well-sought-after speaker on beauty and women’s issues, with a following of more than 1 million on social.
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Desiree L. Talley, Esq., Vice President, Legal & Business Affairs, Revolt TV
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice" by The Carters
Favorite OG It Girl: Issa Rae
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Scorpio Moon, Cancer Rising
An attorney and storyteller, Desiree L. Talley meshes relatability with her legal smarts for the culture. She advocates for cultural advancement and societal change through her POPLAW Podcast while balancing her executive duties at Revolt TV.
Marley Rae
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Marley Rae, Organizer, WalkGood
Representing: Los Angeles
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Nice For What" by Drake
Favorite OG It Girl: Mariah Carey
Zodiac Big Three: Capricorn Sun, Taurus Moon, Leo Rising
Marley Rae is a Nike Athlete, certified yoga instructor, COO, and Director of Health and Wellness for WalkGood LA, a family-founded non-profit organization. She is dedicated to fostering understanding and care in local and global communities.
MIDWEST
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Shawnee Dez
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "FreeBody Freestyle" by Shawnee Dez
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Morrison
Zodiac Big Three: Cancer Sun, Aquarius Moon, Cancer Rising
Shawnee Dez is an artist who's all about captivating her audience through encouragement and empowerment. Her music features fluid harmonic layering, live instrumentation fused with digital production, and her unique multi-talented voice in an alto melodic tone.
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Bianca Pastel, Visual Artist
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: Anything by Whitney Houston
Favorite OG It Girl: Grace Jones
Zodiac Big Three: Taurus Sun, Leo Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Bianca Pastel's artistic portfolio includes fine art, illustrations, and animation, and she's worked with clients including Disney Pixar, and the NFL, to name a few. Her focus is "empowering the experience of being a Black child and dealing with mental health issues."
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Donyale Walton, Founder, Hoop Mobb
Representing: Detroit
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Yeah I Said It" by Rihanna
Favorite OG It Girl: Aaliyah
Zodiac Big Three: Virgo Sun, Libra Moon, Capricorn Rising
Donyale Walton's brand Hoop Mobb, celebrates the Black and Brown fashion and cultural impact and presence of hoop earrings. It's grown to earn more than seven figures in annual revenue and a nationwide community of loyal consumers.
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Ticara Devone, Content Creator
Representing: Chicago
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "She's a Bitch" by Missy Elliott
Favorite OG It Girl: Ananda Lewis
The Zodiac Big Three: Libra Sun, Taurus Moon, Virgo Rising
A trusted sneaker enthusiast and content creator, Ticara Devone uses dynamic storytelling to hold space for others with a passion for sneakers. A published writer, she’s worked with brands including Nike and Footlocker and inspires us all by ensuring women are vocal and seen in the multi-billion dollar shoe space.
SOUTH
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AllyiahsFace, Content Creator
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "Go Off" Doja Cat
Favorite OG It Girl: Gabrielle Union and Halle Berry
Zodiac Big Three: Gemini Sun, Leo Moon, Scorpio Rising
AllyiahsFace's YouTube channel has more than 830,000 subscribers, and she's been hitting the ground running since 2015. Her content creation, which centers on beauty, fashion, and lifestyle, has led to a lucrative career and drawn a close-knit social and real-life community to view and be inspired.
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Jaycina, Executive Director, Tender
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "All I Got" by Amel Larrieux
Favorite OG It Girl:Tracee Ellis Ross
Zodiac Big Three: Leo Sun, Sagittarius Moon, Sagittarius Rising
Jaycina is a signed model with a nonprofit that works to provide support and community for single mothers in Atlanta. She's also appeared in campaigns for brands including Fenty and GAP as well as features in all your favorite magazines and on billboards across the country.
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Asha Christian, Founder, Coily App
Representing: Atlanta
Ultimate ItGirl Song: "It's My Life" by Mariah Carey
Favorite OG It Girl: Toni Childs (Girlfriends)
Zodiac Big Three: Sagittarius Sun, Leo Moon, Leo Rising
Asha Christian created Coily to provide beauty recommendations utilizing social data. It offers a more personalized, AI-driven experience for users and part of her mission is to provide solutions related to diversity and put the focus back on the consumer. Meshing tech and culture, Christian is innovating with options that exemplify the Black girl magic needed in tech.
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