I've been writing, pretty consistently, for xoNecole for about a year now. And if there's one thing that I know is you, our readers, really appreciate, it's sex and friendship content (which I think is really dope, by the way). My theory is it's because those are two topics, especially within the Black female community, that don't get explored, from various angles, nearly as much as we'd like for them to. Because of that, some of us remain curious, confused, stagnant or dissatisfied, in those two lanes, far longer than we should.
Take the topic of frenemies, for instance. As much as I can, I like to give credit where credit is due, and I think that term came from—or has at least became super popular because of—an episode of Sex & the City. If you've never seen it or want a quick refresher course, a frenemy is someone who is part friend/part enemy (although it's usually more like a 60/40 split, in the enemy's favor). You have enough in common with the frenemy to keep them around, but they also irritate you to the point where you're not sure if your connection is enough to keep them in your world anymore. They're basically like an unhealthy relationship with a guy where, maybe the sex is good, but there isn't much more to keep him in your life beyond than that. Still, you stay—even though, deep down, you know that you shouldn't.
If you just read all of that and was like, "Right!" let this be the moment when you decide to make some changes, as far as your own frenemy (or frenemies) is concerned. Life is too short and too precious for you to be involved with folks who are only kinda-sorta your friend; especially if you can clearly pinpoint some things about them that can also classify them as being an enemy.
Keeping all of this in mind, just why do so many of us keep frenemies around? Personally, I think it's because we don't do enough pondering over the following five points.
FRENEMY POINT #1: There’s a Difference Between Liking Someone and Being Used to Them
If any of y'all caught "What If You Love Your Friend...But Don't Like Her Anymore?" I'm sure you can totally relate to this particular point. I can't tell you how many friendships—or "friendships"—that I remained in, way past their expiration date, and it was all because I confused actually liking someone for simply being used to them being around me. Shoot, there's absolutely no tellin' how many captives could be freed if they took the time to ask themselves, "Is this person good for me? Or are they just a habit?"
There's one person, in particular, who I released last year, mostly because I found myself complaining about them to other people more and more. One day, it got to the point where I was tired of hearing my own self go on and on about how I felt taken for granted and doing most of the work. Then I realized that the only real reason why I was keeping them in my life is because they had been around for so long. When I couldn't really find one redeeming quality beyond that, I knew it was time for a major shift.
Frenemies are interesting because, more times than not, they are fully aware of the fact that they aren't being a good friend to you. But, like a wack-ass boyfriend, they figure that since you are willing to settle, they're not going to change anything; especially since they typically are still benefiting from having you in their own life (I know, right)? So yeah, if you sense that you've got a frenemy, the first thing I think you should do is ask yourself what, if anything, you still like about them. If all you hear is Jeopardy music playing in your head, follow that question up with, "Or is it that I'm just used to them?" The clarity you get just might surprise you.
FRENEMY POINT #2: Have You Considered That You’re Possibly Drawn to Drama?
Even if the frenemy isn't a drama queen or king (which, they probably are to some extent), when a relationship consists of a part-friend/part-enemy dynamic, there is usually some drama somewhere around. Think about it. Frenemies typically push triggers or are master gas lighters. Frenemies often display low-key (or not-so-low-key) signs of envy. Frenemies tend to take more than they give. Frenemies are wishy-washy AF. Frenemies are good for being passive aggressive, including when it comes to giving backhanded compliments or saying slick stuff that causes you to doubt yourself. Frenemies like to throw shade—both in and out of your presence. And, even if they are a lot of fun, you can never feel totally safe around frenemies.
Once I started to remove frenemies from my space, I found myself focusing more on why I stayed than why they acted the way that they did. I had to own that some of it was because I was more codependent than I realized. Another part of the issue is that I was my own freakin' frenemy.
Meaning, since I didn't love myself well, I attracted people into my space who basically mirrored my own self-perception. The warring within caused so much turmoil that the drama they brought into my life was pretty much par for the course. But baby, once I started to make peace with myself and began to set some real boundaries, the less I wanted anything that even closely resembled drama or instability around.
If you've got frenemies in your life, ask yourself if you have some sort of odd affinity for drama—if you seem to take some odd sense of pleasure in partaking in a real-life reality show that you're actually a producer of. I'm telling you—the more you like harmony, the less you'll want to deal with confusion, upsets and upheaval, the easier it will be to let all frenemies go.
FRENEMY POINT #3: Like It or Not, There Is Some Sort of Payoff in the So-Called Friendship
I've shared what I am about to say, many times, before. That's because it's one of the best things that I've ever heard Dr. Phil say. One time, while interviewing a prostitute who was going on and on about how much she hated her life, he looked at her with some major side-eye and said (a bit paraphrased), "C'mon. If you really wanted to quit, you'd quit. No matter how dysfunctional something is, we wouldn't stay in it if there wasn't some sort of payoff attached to it."
Some of y'all might automatically want to give pushback on his point, but just think about it. Some of us stay in unhealthy relationships because the sex is good. Some of us remain at a job where our boss treats us like total crap because we don't wanna lose that nice paycheck. And yes, some of us stay in connection with our frenemies because we see some "benefits" to keeping them in our lives. Maybe we've got a lot in common with them. Perhaps they make us feel needed (and we like feeling that way). The possibilities are endless. Here's the thing, though. No person is perfect and every relationship comes with its challenges. But if you want to be in something that is truly beneficial for you, the "pros" must definitely need to outweigh the "cons".
When it comes to your frenemy, is the so-called good that they bring to your life so good that it makes sense to keep tolerating the bad? If you can't honestly say so…it really is time to let them go.
FRENEMY POINT #4: Could It Be That You Don’t Have Enough Healthy Friends?
If you like to check out independent Black films, one that depicts a frenemy extremely well isLove Trap. The chick Angel that's in it? Whew. Evil. Still, she would come at her childhood friend like she only had the best of intentions. I believe there is a scene in the movie where Michelle addresses the fact that a part of what made her put up with all of Angel's hater-rade is the fact that she had been in her life for so long. But since Michelle also shared some of the issues that caused her to struggle with vulnerability and trusting new people, I think that she never really had enough healthy friends to realize just how toxic Angel really and truly was.
If you just read that and found yourself triggered, please make the time to read "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships". Then think long and hard about if your frenemy even checks off half of the things on the list. Also ask yourself if you've currently got people in your life who do. One of the tricky things about a frenemy is they don't totally suck; there are usually a few things that make them cool enough to keep around. But I promise you, the moment that I got some truly healthy friendships into my life, I realized that there was nothing that my frenemies were bringing to the table that my true friends couldn't.
FRENEMY POINT #5: Ask Yourself this—“What’s Your Line?”
Whenever I'm talking to someone about a situation that they're in where they are unhappy, I try and avoid going down the rabbit hole of what I would do. Instead, I simply ask them one question—what's your line? What I mean by that is "What's your boundary that, if that person crosses it, you're done?"
Truth is, a lot of us remain in all sorts of situations that we shouldn't, not because we want to, but because we've never thought about what our breaking point is (or should be). The reason why you should is because healthy relationships consist of mutual respect. So, once you share your "line" and your frenemy intentionally crosses it, they are basically conveying to you that they don't esteem your boundaries, needs or feelings. And once someone expresses that—sorry. They've basically teetered off of the friend mark and over onto the enemy side.
Releasing someone you care about can be difficult. Trust me, I know. But here's what you need to never forget—you need to be your own friend, even if it's at the expense of losing a frenemy. It might take a little time, but you'll both be OK without each other. You can free up some space for real friends and they can move on to being wishy-washy towards someone else. And chile, they most definitely will.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone "Friend"
Pettiness, Moodiness & Other "Friendship Irritants" To Work Through
10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins
Is It Time To Initiate A 'Friend Divorce'?
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Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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