Quantcast

24 Valuable Lessons My Failed Relationships Have Taught Me

Sometimes what we think is the end is actually just the beginning.

Dating

At my lowest point, and I do mean that literally, I was on my stomach, laid out on the bathroom floor after I found out I was going to miscarry my first pregnancy with the man I loved. It was a double loss for me because not only was I grieving the loss of my unborn baby, I was also grieving my relationship with him. You see, he had ghosted me. Again. I had been through breakups before, but by all accounts, this one was the worst because now I felt the guilt and the shame of being smart enough, wise enough, and old enough to know better.


It was the ending of this same relationship that forever changed my life, for the better. I'd always heard the saying that there's a purpose for pain, but I couldn't have imagined at the time that this single occurrence would be the catalyst for me to accomplish a life-long dream of writing my first book, earning a Master's degree, and creating an exclusive community for breakup recovery and personal development.

I've had some bittersweet moments on my journey to love. And I've come to realize that sometimes what we think is love is actually a lesson. Here are 25 lessons that my failed relationships have taught me.

1. No matter how bad it hurts, you will live through it. You already have.

Chances are, this wasn't the first heartbreak you've endured and it probably won't be the last.

2. Sometimes the people we want don't deserve us.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary truth to accept.

3. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner. 

An active partner. An equal partner. A business partner. A prayer partner. A life partner.

4. I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, but I want a commitment. There is, however, a caveat...

I'm also afraid of commitment, but I'm working on that.

5. Heartache comes in different forms. 

Like Lauren London, I've lost a partner to gun violence. Like Chrissy Teigen, I've lost a pregnancy. And probably, like you I've lost friends, family members, and this year, I lost my 16-year old Yorkie. I wish I could tell you the "right" way to get over the loss, but the truth is there is no right (or wrong) way to grieve.

It's hard. Sometimes it's so dark you can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel and the only thing you can do is feel your way through it. But I promise you, if you can get to the other side of the pain, love will be there waiting for you.

6. If he's really into you, you'll know. 

And so will everyone else. You are too phenomenal to be regarded in any way that feels lukewarm.

7. Going forward, I don't want any kind of relationship where I have to question what we're doing.

If you have to question what you are, red flag.

8. Sometimes we're so caught up in WHO we want that we forget WHAT we want. 

There's a difference, you know.

9. It's OK to cry. 

This may sound weird, but when you do give yourself time to cry, I suggest giving yourself a cut-off. When time is up, it's time to get back up and move forward.

10. Despite feeling like you're going to die without them, every day your ex goes without calling you proves that you really can live without them.

And along with that, every day gets easier.

11. One thing about them tables...oh baby, they turn.

Facts.

12. The way a person communicates with you is indicative of how they feel about you. 

I said what I said.

13. Don't be confused by mixed signals from a person. 

Indecision is still a decision.

14. I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with what I thought it meant to be with him. 

Sometimes, our partners are a reflection of something we lack. In my last relationship, for example, he was an extrovert, the complete opposite of me, but that was what I loved about him. He was like a magnet, attracting people from everywhere, whereas I prefer to be invisible, most days, yet, he saw me.

When we were together, I always felt like people were paying attention to him but he was very always focused to me. It was as if all those people loved him and he loved me, and that validated me in some way. He could have had any woman he wanted and he wanted me… at least that's what I thought.

15. Don't ever blame the other woman. 

Like you, her loyalty was with him so the other woman owes you nothing. He does.

16. Men love familiarity so if it seems like he went out and got a woman just like you, he probably did. 

Believe it or not, if you had the chance to get to know her, you'd probably realize that the two of you have more than just his penis in common, and you could probably be friends.

17. You can not change a man. And men do not change for women. 

They change when they are ready.

18. Therapy after a breakup is money well spent. 

When I was going through my breakup, I searched for a place where I could vent without fear or judgment. At that time, I couldn't find one that offered the support I was looking for, so I created my own. Everyone needs a support system.

19. I learned that forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation but reconciliation requires forgiveness. 

Read that again.

20. If you're willing to settle for less, that's exactly what you'll get.

The saying is true, you get what you settle for.

21. Forgiveness isn't about letting someone off the hook. 

Forgiveness really means that you are holding them accountable for how they hurt you but releasing the memory of it so it no longer triggers you. Now that's what you call peace, baby. Getchu some.

22. It's OK to be a little selfish, sometimes. 

It's called setting boundaries.

23. You shouldn't be afraid to voice your opinions to your partner for any reason. 

If you're afraid that he won't respond the way you want him to or he won't respond at all, that may be a red flag.

24. Pain is our body's way of telling us something is wrong. If your relationship is causing you pain, then it may be time to reconsider some things. 

Contrary to popular belief, love doesn't hurt.

Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!

Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images

If you've ever been up late on Pinterest trying to scroll yourself to sleep, you've probably come across a photo of a luxurious bathtub filled with an array of floral elements, herbs, and sometimes even slices of fruit. This commonly used practice is known as a spiritual bath within the mystical community.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Eve has a lot of things to celebrate! First, she made her return to scripted TV since her 2000s self-titled sitcom Eve, and second, she is having her first child at 42. While the rapper is basking in the new phase of her life as a first-time mother, she's not necessarily new to motherly duties.

Keep reading... Show less

Black women emcees have been an essential part of sculpting hip-hop music since the late '70s. The genre has grown from the streets of New York City to becoming one of the world's most influential in the world. Though hip-hop is still a very male-dominated industry, women have made their way of snatching the sound and owning their place in the industry.

Keep reading... Show less

While tea is the kind of drink that those of us who are tea lovers typically consume all throughout the year, I'm pretty sure I'm not alone when I say that there is nothing like looking out of the window on a chilly day while it's raining, curling up under a favorite throw blanket and sipping on a warm cup of herbal tea while reading a book or watching a favorite throwback movie. What's so dope about herbal tea is, aside from it tasting pretty good (especially when it's got some honey and/or lemon in it) is all of the health benefits that it provides. Herbal tea is proven to boost your immunity, de-stress you, fight off free radicals and viruses, improve your digestive system, fight inflammation and oh so much more.

Keep reading... Show less

Lori Harvey and Michael B. Jordan are one of the hottest celebrity couples out right now. After making it Instagram official in January, fans have been watching the couple's every move on and off social media and have been fascinated by how the once eligible bachelorette and bachelor's relationship came to be.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Adrienne Bailon Wants Women Of Color To Take Self-Inventory In Order To Redefine Success

"You can't expect anyone else to care about yourself like you do."

Latest Posts