Quantcast
24 Valuable Lessons My Failed Relationships Have Taught Me
LaylaBird/Getty Images

24 Valuable Lessons My Failed Relationships Have Taught Me

Sometimes what we think is the end is actually just the beginning.

Dating

At my lowest point, and I do mean that literally, I was on my stomach, laid out on the bathroom floor after I found out I was going to miscarry my first pregnancy with the man I loved. It was a double loss for me because not only was I grieving the loss of my unborn baby, I was also grieving my relationship with him. You see, he had ghosted me. Again. I had been through breakups before, but by all accounts, this one was the worst because now I felt the guilt and the shame of being smart enough, wise enough, and old enough to know better.


It was the ending of this same relationship that forever changed my life, for the better. I'd always heard the saying that there's a purpose for pain, but I couldn't have imagined at the time that this single occurrence would be the catalyst for me to accomplish a life-long dream of writing my first book, earning a Master's degree, and creating an exclusive community for breakup recovery and personal development.

I've had some bittersweet moments on my journey to love. And I've come to realize that sometimes what we think is love is actually a lesson. Here are 25 lessons that my failed relationships have taught me.

1. No matter how bad it hurts, you will live through it. You already have.

Chances are, this wasn't the first heartbreak you've endured and it probably won't be the last.

2. Sometimes the people we want don't deserve us.

It's a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary truth to accept.

3. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner. 

An active partner. An equal partner. A business partner. A prayer partner. A life partner.

4. I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, but I want a commitment. There is, however, a caveat...

I'm also afraid of commitment, but I'm working on that.

5. Heartache comes in different forms. 

Like Lauren London, I've lost a partner to gun violence. Like Chrissy Teigen, I've lost a pregnancy. And probably, like you I've lost friends, family members, and this year, I lost my 16-year old Yorkie. I wish I could tell you the "right" way to get over the loss, but the truth is there is no right (or wrong) way to grieve.

It's hard. Sometimes it's so dark you can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel and the only thing you can do is feel your way through it. But I promise you, if you can get to the other side of the pain, love will be there waiting for you.

6. If he's really into you, you'll know. 

And so will everyone else. You are too phenomenal to be regarded in any way that feels lukewarm.

7. Going forward, I don't want any kind of relationship where I have to question what we're doing.

If you have to question what you are, red flag.

8. Sometimes we're so caught up in WHO we want that we forget WHAT we want. 

There's a difference, you know.

9. It's OK to cry. 

This may sound weird, but when you do give yourself time to cry, I suggest giving yourself a cut-off. When time is up, it's time to get back up and move forward.

10. Despite feeling like you're going to die without them, every day your ex goes without calling you proves that you really can live without them.

And along with that, every day gets easier.

11. One thing about them tables...oh baby, they turn.

Facts.

12. The way a person communicates with you is indicative of how they feel about you. 

I said what I said.

13. Don't be confused by mixed signals from a person. 

Indecision is still a decision.

14. I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with what I thought it meant to be with him. 

Sometimes, our partners are a reflection of something we lack. In my last relationship, for example, he was an extrovert, the complete opposite of me, but that was what I loved about him. He was like a magnet, attracting people from everywhere, whereas I prefer to be invisible, most days, yet, he saw me.

When we were together, I always felt like people were paying attention to him but he was very always focused to me. It was as if all those people loved him and he loved me, and that validated me in some way. He could have had any woman he wanted and he wanted me… at least that's what I thought.

15. Don't ever blame the other woman. 

Like you, her loyalty was with him so the other woman owes you nothing. He does.

16. Men love familiarity so if it seems like he went out and got a woman just like you, he probably did. 

Believe it or not, if you had the chance to get to know her, you'd probably realize that the two of you have more than just his penis in common, and you could probably be friends.

17. You can not change a man. And men do not change for women. 

They change when they are ready.

18. Therapy after a breakup is money well spent. 

When I was going through my breakup, I searched for a place where I could vent without fear or judgment. At that time, I couldn't find one that offered the support I was looking for, so I created my own. Everyone needs a support system.

19. I learned that forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation but reconciliation requires forgiveness. 

Read that again.

20. If you're willing to settle for less, that's exactly what you'll get.

The saying is true, you get what you settle for.

21. Forgiveness isn't about letting someone off the hook. 

Forgiveness really means that you are holding them accountable for how they hurt you but releasing the memory of it so it no longer triggers you. Now that's what you call peace, baby. Getchu some.

22. It's OK to be a little selfish, sometimes. 

It's called setting boundaries.

23. You shouldn't be afraid to voice your opinions to your partner for any reason. 

If you're afraid that he won't respond the way you want him to or he won't respond at all, that may be a red flag.

24. Pain is our body's way of telling us something is wrong. If your relationship is causing you pain, then it may be time to reconsider some things. 

Contrary to popular belief, love doesn't hurt.

Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!

Featured image by LaylaBird/Getty Images
10 Romantic Summer Date Ideas That Absolutely Bring The Heat

As you may know by now, the summer produces some of the best and most nostalgic soundtracks of our lives. The mood is set by fun and light sounds of the past and present, giving you the playlist that you need for the summer you want. Summer, no matter how hot, is a magical season where anything can happen, especially in the romance department. Long nights and short days act as a backdrop to new beginnings, summer flings, and the possibility for more (depending on what you’re looking for). But it doesn’t mean the romance has to be dull, regardless of the timeline you’re hoping to create. Like I said before, summer is what you make it so the options are limitless.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Your July 2022 Horoscopes Are All About Happiness, Release & Divinity

July is the month to focus on allowing yourself to receive. There are beautiful opportunities for blessings this month when you can get out of your own way, and release self-doubt. With Cancer Season here, emotions are flowing, love is showing up, and home is wherever your happiness is. The power of attraction is strong this month as Pallas enters Gemini on July 4 as well, and deep insights are prevailing. July is the time to gain the clarity and answers you have been looking for, and decide where to move forward from there.

Keep reading...Show less
How To Focus Less On Who You Attract In Dating & More On Who You Entertain

The law of attraction is tricky. A few years ago, I felt something was deeply wrong with me because I kept attracting people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to fix myself, and alter my energy, the same type of people kept coming my way. I'd talk to my friends about it and ask them, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person? Why do I keep having the same experiences?"

Keep reading...Show less
Here’s What’s Streaming On Netflix And HBO Max In July

There’s nothing like finding a good TV series or movie to watch on your favorite streaming services. The summer is the perfect time to explore what’s new and exciting or revisit an oldie but goodie. Both Netflix and HBO Max have some exciting and new releases for July. From HBO Max’s Rap Sh*t, which is presented by Issa Rae to the season three premiere of Ludacris’ Netflix animated series Karma’s World, there are plenty of options to choose from. So get your streaming on below.

Keep reading...Show less
Kelis On The Importance Of Having Black Women On Her Team

As a Black woman, Kelis knows how important it is to work with other Black women, help each other and give each other opportunities. The “Milkshake” singer has always been a voice for female empowerment with her popular female anthems like “Caught Out There” and “Bossy” and in a chat during Refinery 29’s Unbothered Presents The Glow Up festival, Kelis opened up about the Black women behind her legendary career and how Black women should create safe spaces for ourselves.

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
A Black woman looks into the camera and gives a closed-mouth smile. She's wearing a black turtleneck

Miss Diddy Kicks Off BET Awards Weekend With 'A Toast To Black Hollywood'

Her annual event to celebrate the culture has a new name and more intention than ever before

Latest Posts