24 Valuable Lessons My Failed Relationships Have Taught Me
At my lowest point, and I do mean that literally, I was on my stomach, laid out on the bathroom floor after I found out I was going to miscarry my first pregnancy with the man I loved. It was a double loss for me because not only was I grieving the loss of my unborn baby, I was also grieving my relationship with him. You see, he had ghosted me. Again. I had been through breakups before, but by all accounts, this one was the worst because now I felt the guilt and the shame of being smart enough, wise enough, and old enough to know better.
It was the ending of this same relationship that forever changed my life, for the better. I'd always heard the saying that there's a purpose for pain, but I couldn't have imagined at the time that this single occurrence would be the catalyst for me to accomplish a life-long dream of writing my first book, earning a Master's degree, and creating an exclusive community for breakup recovery and personal development.
I've had some bittersweet moments on my journey to love. And I've come to realize that sometimes what we think is love is actually a lesson. Here are 25 lessons that my failed relationships have taught me.
1. No matter how bad it hurts, you will live through it. You already have.
Chances are, this wasn't the first heartbreak you've endured and it probably won't be the last.
2. Sometimes the people we want don't deserve us.
It's a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary truth to accept.
3. I don't want a boyfriend. I want a partner.
An active partner. An equal partner. A business partner. A prayer partner. A life partner.
4. I don't know if I'm ready for marriage, but I want a commitment. There is, however, a caveat...
I'm also afraid of commitment, but I'm working on that.
5. Heartache comes in different forms.
Like Lauren London, I've lost a partner to gun violence. Like Chrissy Teigen, I've lost a pregnancy. And probably, like you I've lost friends, family members, and this year, I lost my 16-year old Yorkie. I wish I could tell you the "right" way to get over the loss, but the truth is there is no right (or wrong) way to grieve.
It's hard. Sometimes it's so dark you can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel and the only thing you can do is feel your way through it. But I promise you, if you can get to the other side of the pain, love will be there waiting for you.
6. If he's really into you, you'll know.
And so will everyone else. You are too phenomenal to be regarded in any way that feels lukewarm.
7. Going forward, I don't want any kind of relationship where I have to question what we're doing.
If you have to question what you are, red flag.
8. Sometimes we're so caught up in WHO we want that we forget WHAT we want.
There's a difference, you know.
9. It's OK to cry.
This may sound weird, but when you do give yourself time to cry, I suggest giving yourself a cut-off. When time is up, it's time to get back up and move forward.
10. Despite feeling like you're going to die without them, every day your ex goes without calling you proves that you really can live without them.
And along with that, every day gets easier.
11. One thing about them tables...oh baby, they turn.
Facts.
12. The way a person communicates with you is indicative of how they feel about you.
I said what I said.
13. Don't be confused by mixed signals from a person.
Indecision is still a decision.
14. I wasn't really in love with him. I was in love with what I thought it meant to be with him.
Sometimes, our partners are a reflection of something we lack. In my last relationship, for example, he was an extrovert, the complete opposite of me, but that was what I loved about him. He was like a magnet, attracting people from everywhere, whereas I prefer to be invisible, most days, yet, he saw me.
When we were together, I always felt like people were paying attention to him but he was very always focused to me. It was as if all those people loved him and he loved me, and that validated me in some way. He could have had any woman he wanted and he wanted me… at least that's what I thought.
15. Don't ever blame the other woman.
Like you, her loyalty was with him so the other woman owes you nothing. He does.
16. Men love familiarity so if it seems like he went out and got a woman just like you, he probably did.
Believe it or not, if you had the chance to get to know her, you'd probably realize that the two of you have more than just his penis in common, and you could probably be friends.
17. You can not change a man. And men do not change for women.
They change when they are ready.
18. Therapy after a breakup is money well spent.
When I was going through my breakup, I searched for a place where I could vent without fear or judgment. At that time, I couldn't find one that offered the support I was looking for, so I created my own. Everyone needs a support system.
19. I learned that forgiveness doesn't require reconciliation but reconciliation requires forgiveness.
Read that again.
20. If you're willing to settle for less, that's exactly what you'll get.
The saying is true, you get what you settle for.
21. Forgiveness isn't about letting someone off the hook.
Forgiveness really means that you are holding them accountable for how they hurt you but releasing the memory of it so it no longer triggers you. Now that's what you call peace, baby. Getchu some.
22. It's OK to be a little selfish, sometimes.
It's called setting boundaries.
23. You shouldn't be afraid to voice your opinions to your partner for any reason.
If you're afraid that he won't respond the way you want him to or he won't respond at all, that may be a red flag.
24. Pain is our body's way of telling us something is wrong. If your relationship is causing you pain, then it may be time to reconsider some things.
Contrary to popular belief, love doesn't hurt.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
- The 10 Biggest Mistakes Women Make In Relationships - xoNecole ... ›
- Girls With Daddy Issues, How To Deal - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- I Swore Off Dating In My 20s - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- How To Get Your Ex Back After A Toxic Relationship - xoNecole ... ›
- If Your Last Relationship Taught You These 12 Things, The One You ... ›
- 250 People Reveal The Lesson They Learned After A Failed ... ›
- 20 People Share What They Learned After a Failed Relationship ... ›
- 8 Lessons Learned from Failed Relationships That No One Will Tell ... ›
- 7 Valuable Life Lessons From a Failed Relationship | HuffPost ›
Also known as The Real Black Carrie Bradshaw for her relentless love of shoes and emotionally unavailable men, DeJa K. Johnson is unapologetic in her pursuits to find love, happiness, and orgasms. A graduate of UA Little Rock, DeJa earned a Master's degree in Applied Communication with an emphasis on Interpersonal & Romantic relationships. She is also the founder of TheBreakupSpace.com, a safe space for men and women who need help getting over the loss of a romantic relationship. To connect, you can find her on all social media @TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw or send her an email to love@TheRealBlackCarrieBradshaw.com.
Black women are not a monolith. We all are deserving of healing and wholeness despite what we've been through, how much money we have in the bank, or what we look like. Most importantly, we are enough—even when we are not working, earning, or serving.
Welcome to Black Girl Whole, your space to find the wellness routine that aligns with you! This brand-new marketplace by xoNecole is a safe space for Black women to activate their healing, find the inspiration to rest, and receive reassurance that we are one small act away from finding our happiness.
Want to discover where you are on your wellness journey? You don't have to look far. In partnership with European Wax Center, we're bringing you a customized wellness quiz to help you up your wellness game. Answer our short series of questions to figure out which type of wellness lover you are, what you need to bring more balance into your life, and then go deeper by shopping products geared towards clearing your mind, healing your body, and soothing your spirit.
Ready to get whole? Take our quiz now!
Keke Palmer's Post-Baby Glow-Up Doesn’t Want To Set ‘Unrealistic’ Body ‘Standards’
Keke Palmer’s post-baby glow-up had captured the internet’s attention since giving birth earlier this year, but the 29-year-old mom is making it clear that she doesn’t want to set “unrealistic” body goals.
During a recent episode of her podcast, Baby, This is Keke Palmer, the Nope star opened up about the praise she’s received from her post-partum figure. “It is my job [to stay fit],” she shared with the episode’s guest — and her personal trainer — Corey Calliet. “Let’s not get crazy… I don’t want people thinking that I am setting unrealistic standards.”
Palmer used the segment to stress that as a Hollywood starlet and public figure with access to fitness training, her “snapback” was more due in part to it being her “job to look good.” However, the Nickelodeon alum doesn’t want her results to cause comparisons for her fans or new moms.
“I can afford a trainer, meal prep, and a lot of things,” she notes. “It is expensive, but I am investing in my career because it is my career to look good.”
“Not even is it my career to look good, it is my career choice to have the kind of career that I want to have,” she adds.
Since giving birth to her son Leodis Andrellton Jackson seven months ago, who she shares with Darius Jackson, Palmer emphasized that staying dedicated to her fitness routine is a “personal decision” and encourages her supporters to set their own pace and not feel compelled to meet the same goals they’ve seen her embody.
“I never want to put it on anybody. I always want to make it clear that when I am talking about fitness, health, and wellness is that your journey is your journey,” the Big Boss artist says. “You figure it out the way you can. And when you look at these celebrities and people in the industry, know that it is their job.”
In May, Palmer's trainer Corey Calliet echoed these sentiments on non-body comparisons while sharing his fitness objectives for the star exclusively with E! News.
"She's never had a thicker body. I said, 'Let's tap into that. Let's create a shape that was made by the baby,’” he shared. "It's turning things that are supposed to be looked at as negative into positive."
"Get the Keke mindset," he told the publication. "I want her to be the new face of fitness. I think it's time to have someone like her represent that lane of women in Hollywood—someone that is fit and strong."
No matter where you are on your fitness journey, it’s important to remember that it’s just that: a journey. And when it comes to Keke Palmer, it’s the glow-up for me… she’s a mom.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Santiago Felipe/Getty Images
