Learning To "Fight Fair" Can Save Your Marriage
I remember a wife once saying to me, "If, while on your honeymoon, you don't have at least one moment when you don't look over at your husband and say to yourself, 'What the hell is wrong with this guy?', you probably aren't taking your marriage very seriously yet." While I do personally know some couples who had wonderful-drama-free honeymoons, I totally get her point. When two people sign up to share a name (sometimes), bed and bills, that can bring about a kind of intimacy that is beautiful—and also quite taxing. After all, you didn't marry your clone; you married someone you love who is their own person. This means, at some point, you and they are not always going to see eye to eye. That's just the way it is.
From money, family and time-management issues to intimacy expectations and learning how to prioritize kids, work, other relationships and rules to help the house to run smoothly, challenges are going to transpire. The butting of the heads is going to come up. The key is learning how to fight fair. And here are a few tips for how to do just that.
Get the Word “Fight” Out of Your Mind
When it comes to marriage, I've shared before that I'm not a fan of the word "vulnerable" being used between long-term couples. Vulnerable speaks to making oneself susceptible to being attacked. Instead, I prefer the word "dependent" which speaks to relying on someone for support and aid.
OK, so when it comes to spouses disagreeing, I don't care for the word "fight" either. Fighting is battling. Fighting is contending. Fighting is war. And if you go into a disagreement with your partner with a "this is war" mentality, there are bound to be some wounds along the way.
This doesn't mean that I'm someone who thinks that it's unhealthy to not agree and express why. In fact, whenever a couple tells me that they never disagree, I tend to give them major side-eye (even if it's only in my mind) because that usually means someone either isn't being their 100 percent genuine self or they are internalizing their true thoughts and emotions. All I'm saying is "arguing" (to present reasons for or against a thing) is a much healthier and productive word. So, in the quest to always "fight fair" with your spouse, it's a really good idea to try and pull the word "fight" out of it.
Choose a Time When You’re Not Already at Your Limit
Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine who was tired and drained. I chuckled at least three times in our conversation because, while she's normally the half-glass-full kind of person, on this particular day, she was taking no prisoners. Twitter was pissing her off. Emails were pissing her off. Her daughter's dirty room was pissing her off. The dogs were pissing her off. Pretty much everything was pissing her off. So, when her husband called to run something by her real quick, she snapped at him, hung up and then went on to talk about how he was getting on her last nerve too.
"Did you get any rest last night?" I asked. She took a couple of deep breaths and then explained that she tossed and turned all night and had to be up early that next morning. "I'm exhausted and over it," she admitted.
When you know that you are already "spent", that is absolutely the wrong time to have a long conversation with your spouse; especially if you know there's a pretty good chance that there will be some bumps in the road while you're having it. When we're worn out or already stressed to the limit, we're overly sensitive, easily triggered and, let's be honest, oftentimes looking for someone to take our frustrations out on. So, when you know you're not your best self—or even close—wait until you've taken a nap, had a meal, worked out, meditated…done something to take the edge off. That way, you can go into your conversation with a clear mind and your spouse won't automatically feel like they need to go on the defensive…which almost always makes things so much bigger than they actually have to be.
Make Sure That Your Partner Feels Heard and Respected
Ruth Bell Graham once said that the first duty of love is to listen. While that might seem mad simplistic, there is so much wisdom in that resolve. I mean, I don't know about you, but in the top 10 of times when I feel the most disrespected, it's when someone is 1) cutting me off while I'm talking; 2) misinterpreting what I'm saying and/or 3) not validating my thoughts and feelings simply because they aren't the same as theirs. For whatever the reason, God wired us to not feel truly connected to people unless they are willing to hear us out, process what we say and then give a thoughtful/beneficial response. If you want your conversation with your partner to be a progressive one, make sure that you are intentional about hearing them all the way out, that you honor what they say, and that you require that they do the same thing for you.
Let “Last Word Syndrome” Go
If you Google "last word syndrome", something that you'll notice a lot of articles agree on is the fact that the person who always feels the need to get the last word in is 1) typically an egomaniac and 2) somehow, in their mind, believing that so long as they get the final statement in, somehow they've won. Listen, if you live long enough on this planet, you realize that winning an argument isn't usually all that it's cracked up to be. No money is earned. Sometimes no resolution has come about. All you get is the bragging rights of trumping someone else and that "win" is really short-lived.
I'll actually raise my hand in this case and confess that I used to be the kind of person who needed to get the last word in most of the time. A part of it was because I didn't feel very heard in my own home while growing up (because the adults made sure they always got the last word...hmm). A part of it is because I like to debate. And, a part of it is because I didn't realize how much I was exhausting others—until they told me.
Look, if you're someone who is addicted to getting the last word in, don't assume that just because your spouse "lets you" that you are a forensics debate team champion or something. 7 times out of 10, they are probably just sick of verbally sparing with you, so they've probably checked out of the conversation. That doesn't mean you've won. That means they're done listening to you. Let that marinate for a moment. What could possibly be good about that?
Take Responsibility Where It Applies to You. Require Accountability Where It Applies to Them.
While I can't even begin to speak for all married couples, I will say that, when it comes to the ones that I have worked with, one of the biggest breakdowns in communication comes from someone deflecting when they don't want to take responsibility for their actions (or lack thereof) and/or someone not wanting to be held accountable for theirs. I don't know what in the world makes us think that the whole "You do it too" defense in an argument is mature, let alone helpful, but it is indeed what a lot of us do, isn't it? Rather than taking the time to think about what we may have done to cause drama or dissension, we'd prefer the other party to take all of the heat and all of the blame. The problem with that is, rarely is something ever ALL one person's fault or problem. Plus, never wanting to own what is yours prevents real resolution from happening in the long run.
It's grown folks who see where they need to take full responsibility for their words or actions. Equally as grown are the people who are willing to be held accountable wherever accountability applies. And, I think we all can agree that marriage is definitely for grown people. So, make sure you take this point, especially, into your discussions with your partner. Things can get resolved much quicker if/when you do.
Be Solutions-Oriented
Wanna know the difference between someone who wants to find a solution to an argument or issue vs. someone who simply wants to be right? The solutions-oriented person isn't going to invest a whole lot of time and energy into going back and forth. They are going to want to present their side, hear the other person's side, and find a way to meet in the middle so that they can move on to the next. Meanwhile, the "right guy" will drag disagreements on for hours, days and weeks even, so long as they feel like the end result is them getting their way. Which one sounds like a mature adult? Which one sounds childish AF?
If you want to, not only "fight fair" with your spouse, but also make the "fight" worth your while, it's important to take a solutions-oriented approach. Define the actual problem. Express your feelings while not forgetting the role that logic, facts and truth need to be factored in as well (because our feelings aren't always based on any of these things). Be as clear as you can in stating your case while being open-minded to what your partner has to say. Watch your tone and body language (encourage them to do the same). Avoid saying or doing things that will ultimately only cause more problems. Make peace the ultimate goal. Do this and not only will you slowly yet surely learn how to master fighting fair, but you'll look up and realize that you and yours are fighting a lot less too. And how awesome is that?
Featured image by Giphy
- Why Make-Up Sex Can Be A Bad Thing - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 5 Tips To Handle Conflict Head-On - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- Till Petty Do Us Part: How Arguing Changes In A Marriage ... ›
- Does Couples Therapy Work? What You Need To Know - xoNecole ... ›
- How to Fight Fair in Your Relationship - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- How To Fight Right & Save Your Relationships In The Process ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Age-Gap Dating Is HUGE Right Now. Still...Read This Before Doing It.
If you’re someone who’s been reading my content for a while, you know that I’m pretty big on accountability (with both men and women), and that means sometimes I will call out blatant hypocrisy and double standards. Today? It’s the fact that I find it to be mighty interesting that when an older woman is dating a younger man, she’s usually considered to be a “cougar” yet when an older man dates a younger woman, suddenly he’s a “perv” (short for pervert).
It's important to bring up that super unfair comparison because, when it comes to a particular dating trend that’s on the list of being a really big dating trend right now, it’s both men and women who are looking to get in on it — and if it’s good for one gender (within reason), in all fairness, it should be seen the same way for the other (again, within reason).
So, with that said, whatever it is that I’m about to share on the topic of age-gap dating, just know that I have no bias; I simply think it’s important for men and women, younger and older, to take a very realistic approach to this kind of dating…because as with pretty much everything in life, it has its pros and some, well, cons too.
Popular Doesn’t Automatically Mean Best
GiphySomething that has kind of always fascinated me about our culture is how so many people will abandon all common sense and logic, just to do something that is considered popular. Well, at the end of the day, that’s pretty much what a trend is: something that is currently done by a lot of people for…whatever the reason. When it comes to dating trends, specifically, oftentimes, they are “birthed” out of surveys from dating sites or apps. When the people who conduct them notice that something is overwhelmingly preferred, encouraged, or supported, then it becomes a trend — and that’s just where age-gap dating came from.
Long story short, Bumble kinda-sorta-recently did a survey and discovered things like 63 percent of folks don’t factor in age when it comes to dating, and 59 percent of women said that they would date a younger man; those are pretty large numbers, and so, there ya have it: a trend.
I will say that although the study wasn’t super-duper specific about when an age gap is considered to be too much of one,Glamour published an article a few years back that said, 10-plus years between two people is enough to start causing some issues if one is not careful (more on that in a sec). And so, before you decide to get out here lookin’ for a youngin’ or a more — eh hem — mature man, just because it currently seems like everyone else is open to it, consider if 10 years — backward or forwards — is something that you would want to deal with; especially long-term.
If you’re not sure, keep reading. Hopefully, I will provide some things for you to ponder.
Difference in Age Means Differences Everywhere
GiphyI’ve got people in my world who have big age gaps in their relationships. I’m talking about more than just 10 years. One example that immediately comes to mind is a married couple who has 15 years between them; the wife is older. On some levels, everything seems cool and copasetic. Oh, but there are nuances. Like she can be very condescending when it comes to what he finds to be fun and entertaining. Plus, their sex drives are not even close to being compatible now that she is well past menopause. It’s interesting because, rather than acknowledging that a lot of all of this has to do with their vast age differences, she prefers to see him as being immature. He’s not immature, sis. He’s just a lot younger than you are.
So, when it comes to age-gap relationships, that’s the first thing that you should think about: are you willing to deal with the differences that will probably come about, simply because you are at different stages in your lives due to your different ages?
Example: Because people say that I don’t look my age (‘preciate it), it’s not uncommon for folks to try and set me up with someone who is in their early 30s. For the most part, I’ll pass. For one thing, I intentionally decided that I didn’t want to have kids a long time ago, and I don’t want to have that discussion/debate with someone who may feel otherwise (quite possibly because they don’t have kids or want more of them). Also, I’ve worked with people, in the lane of relationships, for quite some time now.
Men before 35? For the most part, I encourage their focus to be on themselves and building their life (because a lot of guys don’t hit their professional and financial peak until their late 40s or early 50s). As for myself, I’m pretty settled, so I don’t want to be a hindrance when it comes to them up and moving a few times or switching career paths. Do that babe. You should.
I could go on and on when it comes to this particular point. The bottom line is dating someone who has a semi-significant age difference from you and then having a problem with the differences that come along with it is like really enjoying the summertime and then expecting winter to act like it…just because you do. Feel me?
Age-Gap Dating Requires Being a (Patient) Student. And Teacher.
GiphyWhenever people talk to me about the hours that they spend (or is it waste?) arguing with folks on social media, something that I will oftentimes say (for instance) is, “Some of those folks weren’t even born when Freaknik happened. Let them come to the wisdom and insight that you have, due to your age, on their own.” Same thing goes for age-gap dating.
When it comes to these celebrity relationships, so many of them switch up like they change their underwear, so I won’t even give specific examples. If you surf or scroll on a daily basis, though, you know that there are some older women dating younger men and older men who are dating younger women who show all the signs in the world of heading for a real roller coaster ride because…they are simply at two totally different points in their life.
For instance, when you’re in your 20s, it’s not automatically a red flag that you want to go to the club often. Oh, but when you’re in your 40s, you can be tempted to tell them that it is — even though you did the same thing when you were their age. You know, just because you’ve “been there and done that” before, that doesn’t mean you should look down on them because they haven’t (yet).
Yeah, that’s another challenge about age-gap dating and age-gap relationships: you tend to think that you should be someone’s parent instead of their partner.
So, do I think that age-gap dating can never work? No, that’s not the case. What I will say is if you’re not a very flexible person, you are about to be pissed, often. Because when you’re with someone who has a different view of things that you do, and a part of it is because they are a different age than you are, you’ve got to be willing to teach some things that could help them to grow and also learn some things that could help you to become a better person — whether they are the older one or not.
Take two of my clients where, again, the husband is younger (by nine years) and the wife is older. He says all of the time that if he had not come into her life, she would’ve aged faster because she owns the fact that she’s not naturally a very adventurous person. At the same time, because of her influence in his life, he’s better with time management, which has helped him professionally, because she’s a huge planner (something that she learned to become due to “fumbling some balls” back when she was younger). See what I mean: the student as well as the teacher.
Does this apply to all relationships? It should. I’m just saying that when age-gap dating comes into play, lessons tend to pop up often and sometimes, very unexpectedly, simply due to folks being at various places and stages due to their age alone. If you can’t fathom dealing with that, age-gap dating is probably not something that you should get involved with.
Casually Doing It Can Tend to Backfire
GiphyOkay, so what if you’re someone who wants to do some age-gap dating on a casual level? What could possibly go wrong there? Well, from reading some of my other articles (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”), you’ll already know that I’m not big on the meaning of casual: apathetic, careless, off-hand, without serious intention. Me? Especially at this age, I have zero energy or interest to be dealt with on a casual basis (whew, chile). And what if you’re the one who wants to take this approach? I mean, you’re grown, right? Do you.
I will just give the heads up when it comes to, say, wanting to have a casual sexual situationship with a younger man, while there is more content out here that says while 20-somethings may be having more sex, it’s the people in their 40s who are actually enjoying it the most (which means that it shouldn’t be assumed that the young guys do it better), science is science — and science says that testosterone levels are at their highest when a man is in his 20s. Meanwhile, for us, we are reportedly able to have the most consistent orgasms while we’re in our 30s. Where am I going with all of this?
I actually didn’t become sexually active until college. My first love was younger than I, and goodness, when didn’t he want to hump my leg? The college period was like a sea of raging hormone vessels with free rooms in the form of dorms. Chaotic and damn near diabolical in hindsight. LOL. And a big part of that is because guys have testosterone surging, and we as women are hella fertile. Getting off stays at the forefront on some level (at least for most of us).
The challenge with that is a lot of people who are hormone-driven may not necessarily be relationship-minded. And once you hit your late 30s-40s, after a couple of months of mind-blowing sex (perhaps), that could get old, especially if the sweet young thang doesn’t have much more to offer than that. And so…where do things have to go? That’s the thing about casual…usually nowhere. Again, by definition.
I will say that if you just read all of that and was like, “Okay…and still, what’s the problem?” — hey, do you, sis. I just think it needs to go on record that once you reach a certain point and place in life, casual experiences with younger men can damn near seem brutal — and you can’t really blame them if you got turned out, yet they barely respond to any texts that don’t have sex on the menu. #justsaying
Make Sure to Be Extremely Honest About Your Needs. And Expectations.
GiphyLet’s swing to the other side of this: you dating an older man. I know someone who is currently doing that as well. She’s in her late 30s, and he’s in his early 50s. He’s stable. He’s smart. She said the sex is bomb. Dating him is fun, spontaneous, and full of surprises. So, what’s the problem? He’s super set in his ways. His values are hella traditional (hers are not).
More than anything, though, she wants to get married, and he’s divorced, so he has more of a “been there, done that” take on it. Does he have a problem with being exclusive? Absolutely not. However, having another wife or more children? His kids are grown. He’s mentally and emotionally past that time, too. And so, at a bit of a crossroads, they are — both are invested, and yet, because they are in different seasons of life, they don’t want the same things.
That’s another thing to consider when it comes to age-gap dating — if you are looking for something serious or substantial, you don’t really have time to waste when it comes to getting your needs and expectations out on the table. That’s why, past the first date to see if there is potential for a real connection beyond just chemistry, when it comes to age-gap dating, you really need to get your needs and expectations out there (on both sides) as soon as possible because — and pardon the pun — time is definitely of the essence.
___
A lot to think about? Yeah, perhaps. At the same time, is the age-gap something to be leery of? No. It’s just important to check your motives, be realistic, and not lie to yourself or the person you’re seeing about what you want to get out of it.
Because no matter how hot of a trend age-gap dating may currently be, you need to do what’s right and best for you…not merely what is…popular.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images