Jhené Aiko Just Told Big Sean: “I Don’t Compete. I COMPLETE.”
Sometimes, when I choose to peek into the world of social media to see what's happening, I'll put in keywords. Whenever I put in "Black women" or "Black men" into Twitter, I always find at least five talking points that are super interesting. Today was no exception. I'm assuming that, at least at the moment, Big Sean and Jhené Aiko are quarantining apart (or at least "social distancing" in separate rooms) and so, they are connecting with each other via going live.
Now let me sidebar this by saying that, aside from being a sex and relationships writer, a part of what made me click on the volume to see what was up is because, more and more, I appreciate Big Sean. Yeah, he's a pretty dope artist but, as I've intentionally checked out some of his latest interviews (for instance, the Hot Ones that he did not too long ago), I dig the current space that he's in as a person. He seems to be quite gracious, ever-evolving and willing to learn. So yeah, I wanted to see what he and Jhené had to share. They didn't disappoint.
Because I pulled the clip from someone's Twitter feed, I didn't catch all of the discussion. Apparently, what Big Sean asked Jhené was would she be willing to compete for his love. Uh-huh. Again, because I've been checking out his head space more and more, I knew he couldn't possibly be serious (at least I hope not). He did laugh after asking. Anyway, it was her "Whaaat?" followed by "Hell no" that piqued my interest further. Anyway, her ultimate resolve is what inspired me to hit up Sheriden (our managing editor) and be like, "Can I please write something on this today?" Verbatim, this was Jhené's response.
"I ain't competing for nothing, OK?...I don't 'compete', I complete."
Annnnd…we're off.
What It Means to Compete for Someone
I ain't gonna lie. I used to be the kind of woman who would compete for a man. Now, before you get all uppity and profess that you would never do such a thing, let me provide a quick rundown of what competing actually looks like. If you're a side chick, on some level, you are competing. If you know exactly what you want out of a relationship, but you will stay with someone who desires something totally different, hoping they will change their mind, on some level, you are competing. If "he's" seeing lots of other women when you want an exclusive relationship, on some level, you are competing. If he lives in the valley of indecision (which IS a decision), on some level, you are competing. If you are convincing yourself to stay in a relationship that you aren't fully satisfied in, on some level, you are competing.
Competing with what? Sometimes, it's other women. Sometimes, it's time. Sometimes, it's a man's ego. Sometimes, it's with your own conscience and higher sense of self. The reason why I say this is because to compete is to strive to outdo, to put yourself in a contest, or to vie (which is to rival with someone or something else). And strive? Strive is a hard word, y'all. It means "to struggle vigorously, as in opposition or resistance". And resistance? To resist is to oppose.
Now, let's put all of this together, shall we? Say that you're really feeling a dude. He's not on the same page as you are, but he gives you enough attention or affirmations to let you know that he is interested. It could be in the form of communication. You might even go on dates together and have sex. But you're still not getting all that you want and, more importantly, need. Yet…you stay. For weeks…months, maybe even years. The "feeling him" turns into love, but he's still not really doing much more than he ever did.
Meanwhile, you tell yourself that if you just do more, he'll change his mind; that's called striving. Yet it seems like the more that you do, give, love, the less results you're getting; that's because he's resisting. So yeah, ultimately, whether it's because of other women, time, his ego or you're struggling with your own conscience and higher sense of self, you are competing for him. This is what Jhené has declared that she absolutely will not do. Good for her. None of us should.
So, why do we do it? Chile, there's not nearly enough time or space to get into all of that right now. What I will say is some of it is because we live in a competitive world. Because of that, sometimes competition is a good thing. For instance, the article "Why Competition Is Good" (on Entrepreneur's site) shares that professional competition can validate us, sharpen our skills and, can even teach us how to effectively collaborate with others. I get that. Cool. But when it comes to matters of the heart, none of these lessons are really necessary. You shouldn't feel like since you "won a man over" that he was worth having. A romantic relationship's main focus shouldn't be about "sharpening any skills". Also, when you are seeing someone, the only one you should be "collaborating with" is them. Not some other chick. Not their other list of priorities. Nothing but them.
It took me years and years and years to realize this. For example, I didn't realize just how over my first love I finally was until we met for dinner this past December and he told me in one breath that he has always pondered us making up for the child that we lost (my first abortion was his child) and, in the same conversation, turned around and said that he was going to try and make it work with who he has always considered to be the second love of his life (and the mother of his living children). What was he doing? Emotionally, he was setting me up to do what he had done over the years between me and this woman—make us want to compete.
I stayed for dinner; he was paying. But I was good on talking further. There was always gonna be love for him (first loves tend to roll like that) but compete, my ninja? Absolutely not. I will strive for a professional gig. I will strive to pay my bills on time.
I ain't striving for no man's love. Love is a gift; it should be offered voluntarily, not be some "prize" after a competition.
So yes, Ms. Jhené, now more than ever, I feel you on the "ain't competing" tip. But remember, that's not all that she said.
What It Means to Complete Someone
I don't compete; I complete. Some people hate the whole "you complete me" thing. I'll admit that if we're referring to the Jerry Maguire movie line—that gives me cause for pause and a side-eye too. To me, that implies that we're not whole without someone else and, to me, that kind of mentality is a recipe for complete disillusionment and utter relational disaster. At the same time, I do adore the Hebrew language (mostly because Christ was a Jew and spoke fluent Hebrew). And so yes, I am totally down with the word "bashert" which loosely translates into being someone's "meant to be" or "destiny". Yet, even then, I try to look well beyond the Disney or chick flick interpretation of those words.
Let's take the word "destiny", for example. One of my favorite definitions for it is "the power or agency that determines the course of events". A part of the reason why we must choose very wisely who we join our lives with is because their influence has the power to create a course of events—good or bad. That's a part of the reason why I wrote the article, "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life".
If you are looking at someone being your destiny from a mature and well-balanced perspective, they are someone who will inspire and motivate you to live your absolute best life. And in that way, they help to complete you because completion is all about "having all the required or customary characteristics, skills, or the like" to bring about the kind of results that you want.
To me, this is why seasons of singleness are so important. How can you truly know who can support you in accomplishing what you want if you have no clue what you desire in the first place—or worse, if all that you desire is to be with someone? Hmph. I can't tell you how many wives I have counseled who are utterly miserable because their main goal in life was to get a man. Now that they have one, they don't know what else to do with their life—or with their husband. SMDH.
That's why I found all of what Jhené said to be on point. What she basically articulated is, she doesn't strive for a man to want her. She knows that, relationally, she's here to complement someone—and when you truly do "fit" another person's world in that way, competing isn't necessary. There is an ease, a peace, a "gelling" that just…happens. And works. Mutually so.
Oh, there are two other things that I liked in the part of the live that I saw. I dug the acronyms for "love" and "life" that Big Sean and Jhené seem to live by. Love is Living On Valued Energy. Life is Love In Full Effect. Amen and indeed.
I don't know where you currently are, when it comes to your own journey towards your bashert, but please let the soundbite from that live stay with you. You, sis, are too beautiful, valuable and special to compete for anyone. Sit back and let life reveal who you complete—and who completes you.
Thanks for the reminder, Jhené. That was some really good ish right there, girl. For real, for real.
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Jhene Aiko Says The Status Of Her Relationship With Big Sean Is 'None Of Your Concern'
The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have
Featured image by Joe Seer / Shutterstock.com
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Meet The Designer Behind This Megan Thee Stallion "Hiss" Video Look
When Megan Thee Stallion dropped “Hiss,” a shift happened. From the audacious lyrics to the striking visuals, there was no doubt that the song and video would go viral. The opening of the video shows the H-town hottie rocking a barely there Shibari red dress, showing off her voluptuous frame. It was a sexy moment created by Timeekah Murphy of Alani Taylor. The designer exclusively tells us how the opportunity came about and what it was like seeing her design on Megan for the first time.
Timeekah Murphy
Photo courtesy
xoNecole: How did the opportunity to create such an iconic look for Megan Thee Stallion's "Hiss" video come about?
Timeekah Murphy: The opportunity came from a DM from celebrity stylist Zerina Akers. She asked for a unique Shibari piece for Megan, and I needed to get it done in two days. So, of course, I did everything in my power to make it happen. I've always wanted to design for Megan, so this was an awesome opportunity for me.
xoN: What was that initial feeling of seeing the dress on her for the first time?
TM: I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her.
xoN: Did you meet her? If so, how was that moment?
TM: I didn't meet Megan during the shoot, but during my time in LA, I got the opportunity to meet her at LA Pride with Tiffany Haddish, Common, and EJ King (stylist). Megan is such an amazing person, so it made it even better to know that my designs were going to be worn by her. I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her.
"I was shocked because, at first, I thought it hadn't been used. I saw Megan's last video and thought, damn, maybe it didn't fit. So, to see it on such an amazing video was breathtaking. I was beyond excited to finally say I designed for her."
Photo courtesy
xoN: Walk us through the creation of the dress. How did you come up with the look, and how long did it take to make it?
TM: I was the co-designer for a brand called Deviant in 2018-2020, and we used to make custom Shibari pieces. That's how Zerina knew me. So I'm very familiar with making these types of pieces. We made plenty for Beyoncé, Cardi B, Tiffany Haddish, Tyra Banks, and so many others. So Zerina knew exactly what she wanted.
To get it done, it took me a day and a half. It's very intricate and time-consuming, so I spent about six hours making it then I sent an image of it to Zerina, and she didn't approve the first one, so I had to start from scratch again after getting my guidance and understanding of what was needed. The next day, I went to The Lab and created another version, and she approved it. I had to get it shipped overnight so that she would get it in time and fast forward to seeing it on the big screen.
xoN: What's next for you?
TM: Everything. The sky is not my limit, so the Alani Taylor brand is expanding into so many different avenues. We are getting involved in the community more, offering sewing classes to the youth. I've opened up a store for my brand in Atlanta and now preparing for fall/winter Fashion Week.
Megan Thee Stallion "Hiss" video/ YouTube
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Dating Apps Are Out, Meeting People IRL Is In — And Here’s How To Do It.
Whoever coined the phrase, “If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it,” certainly was not referring to the state of our dating scene. Whether online or in real life, you don't have to go far to hear the grievances of singles calling for the immediate repair of all leaks, cracks, and fractures in the dating pool.
No matter the state you live in, your age, how much you earn for a living, or if you’re a chronic app dater, there’s a general consensus that something (anything) must be done to restore the hope of singles looking for long-term, fulfilling relationships. And as many of us hold on to the hope for an unexpected cross-encounter with our next love story, others are leaning on the side of giving up completely. But before throwing in the towel, it might be time to make a few adjustments.
Dating Apps Are In Their Flop Era, Making Connections IRL Is Where It's At
Alistair Berg/Getty Images
Many singles agree that spending their leisure time swiping through dating apps is out. What’s in is stepping out of one's comfort zone to make connections in the real world. Scary. We know. But unless you were one of the lucky few to find love on dating apps before its flop era or made a love connection from home during the pandemic, going about your dating life the same way is bound to render the same results: being single with a headache. And we want better for you.
It’s safe to say that constantly meeting strangers off the internet for a chance to find love has lost its charm, leaving singles open to the train, farmer’s market, the gym, or a friend’s house party to be prime real estate for matching up with potential partners.
This shift, as Marissa Nelson, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and BLK’s Relationship and Intimacy Expert tells xoNecole, is due in part to a growing concern about the authenticity of online profiles — in other words: is what you’re seeing, in fact, what you’re getting? “From their profile picture, what they say they do, the height they say they are; it’s this fear of, ‘Am I really talking to who I think I'm speaking to?'” she explains.
On our journey to finding “the one” out in the real world, a common question is, “Where do you find the available singles?” The short answer is, everywhere. The long answer is at the grocery store, on a plane, during happy hours, at work, at a conference, on a solo vacation, or, as Nelson puts it, anywhere you are showing up as your most open and vulnerable self.
“You never know where the connection is going to come from, which is why it's even more important to be receptive, to stay open, be curious, and lean into your vulnerability,” she says. In fact, Nelson encourages singles to release themselves of the rigidity around finding the perfect person at the “perfect” place, because, in essence, there isn’t one. “We have to let go of the constraints that we can only go to singles events to meet people,” she says. “We have to be open to however love shows up.”
"We have to let go of the constraints that we can only go to singles events to meet people. We have to be open to however love shows up."
We all can relate to the fact that the idea of shooting our shot in real life is a lot more exciting than the actual act. The relationship expert explains that one of the greatest hesitations to us putting ourselves out there and taking a chance on love is rooted in the fear of rejection. However, it’s important to keep in mind that “we’ve all been hurt” and most importantly, “we’re all afraid of rejection.”
That’s why Nelson suggests the following strategies to make the first move and find love in your everyday life.
1. Don't close yourself off.
“When you relax your expectations, you start to meet really cool people. Some of those cool people became friends and that makes your life richer because now, you have new friends and great people to hang out with. Even if it wasn't a love match, it can become a significant or meaningful friendship.”
2. Don't let your "type" hold you back.
“We all have a type. And a lot of women will say, ‘I like them tall. I like them like this or that.’ When we’re rigid about who we believe we ought to be with versus being open to people who might be more aligned with our values, we close ourselves off. Sure, you're not going to date somebody that you are absolutely not attracted to. But people have a lot of unwritten rules around who they will allow themselves to get to know, and I challenge people to challenge their rules because that can hold you back from expansive experiences.”
skynesher/Getty Images
3. Make the first move.
“I think that if we can be bold, be brave, and if there's somebody that's good-looking, catches your eye, or just seems like they have a good vibe, we can approach them with curiosity. Ask them how they're doing. Introduce yourself. It doesn't have to lead to all these things; you can just have chemistry and flow from there.”
4. Ask better questions.
“When you meet someone for the first time, asking them ‘What do you do?’ is not the best first question because that only tells you what they do for money, not necessarily what they're passionate about. To get insight into who that person truly is, ask: What are you passionate about in your life right now? What lights you up? What excites you? What are you working towards?”
5. Shift your mindset.
“We've all been hurt. And we can be guarded because we don't want to get hurt again. The brain is a very complex and brilliant system designed to keep us safe, and emotional survival is a real thing. We become super protective, and in that, we come up with a lot of different rules, paradigms, [and] belief systems. The biggest mindset shift is: how can we do our own work to know and believe that we are worthy and deserving of love.”
Whether you’re on a dating app or roaming your local Trader Joe’s, love is everywhere — and the abundance of love is available to us once we remove limiting beliefs that make it feel scarce and out of reach. Vulnerability, shedding our walls, and openness just might be the tweaks we need to snitch up the dating streets and watch it heal for the better.
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Featured image by LeoPatrizi/Getty Images