Your January Horoscopes Are All About Regaining Your Power
Happy New Year! The month and decade begin on a high note with Mars moving into free-spirited Sagittarius, giving us the push we need to shoot for the stars. As we ride the waves of eclipse season, energies may be a little chaotic. Lean into your faith in a higher plan and surrender with grace around the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse.
After spending the past five months retro, Uranus finally goes direct, requiring us to be flexible with the shifts taking place during this pivotal month. Matters of the heart get revived with a sense of magic as Venus begins her transit through Pisces on the 13th. Most of the action takes place in Aquarius for the rest of the month, inviting us to embrace our weird, connect with our tribe, and make a mark on the planet while we're here.
Check out what's in store for your zodiac sign in the month ahead!
Aries
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The fire gets lit beneath your ass as Mars begins its transit through Sagittarius on the 3rd, getting you hyper-focused on soaking up as much knowledge about your truth as possible—whether that's your spiritual beliefs, political views, or sense of morality. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse crashes over you with some deep feels related to your home life and family matters, granting you clarity about which generational patterns you need to clear out. This could also indicate a time in which you change residences. Uranus goes direct on the same day and it's time to hit the ground running with all of those great money-making ideas you've been sitting on since August.
On the 13th, Venus moves into Pisces and love matters take on a more quiet, private approach with you likely spending more time tucked away in silky sheets with your lover. If you're single and looking, you could wind up meeting someone that shares similar spiritual beliefs and practices. Mercury moves into innovative Aquarius on the 16th with the Sun following behind on the 20th. It's time to reconnect with those like-minded individuals that make you feel like you're not "the crazy one". Keep in mind, that there are people just as weird as you are. The New Moon on the 24th could mark the beginning of a beautiful, new friendship that validates the visionary that you truly are.
Taurus
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year begins with fiery Mars moving into Sagittarius, heightening your sexual desires and encouraging you to explore any inhibitions that hold you back from embracing your prowess. If you've got any outstanding debt, now is a good time to conquer it (or at least strategize a plan for getting out of it). Eclipse season is ushered in by the Full Moon on the 10th may stir up some tension between you and your siblings. Strive to see beyond your projections of others and into their emotional wounds instead. Compassionate communication is your superpower around this time. On the same day, Uranus goes direct in your sign helping you feel more confident about marching to the beat of your own drum. You may even decide to revamp your appearance unexpectedly by dyeing your hair or splurging on a more eccentric wardrobe.
Around the middle of the month, Venus moves into sentimental Pisces to sweeten up your friendships and restore your faith in the bigger vision you're co-creating with the Universe. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius, enhancing your business acumen by gifting you with foresight to strategize your way to success. The Sun moves into this part of your chart on the 20th, helping you stand out amongst the competition, thanks to your leading-edge approach to your work. Recognition, or even a promotion, may be in store for your accomplishments around the New Moon on the 24th. Your influence is reaching new heights as well as your social media following. Use your power wisely.
Gemini
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
January kicks off with Mars moving into Sagittarius, heating up your significant relationships. The desire is strong and so are your opinions. Keep in mind that your truth isn't necessarily the truth. It's OK to share what you think without it turning into an argument (unless debating is a form of foreplay for you). Also, be mindful of pushy clients or business partners during this transit and do your best to temper your frustrations dealing with the constraints that others place on you. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse brings your focus to money matters. Become more aware of your emotional states and how they affect the way that you spend money. Uranus goes direct on the same day, enhancing your psychic gifts. Pay attention to your dreams as they hold the key to some genius ideas and a peek into what's coming your way.
Venus moves into dreamy Pisces on the 13th, rekindling the sparks between you and your work. You may be on the receiving end of praises for the creative or spiritual works that you offer. When it comes to love, you may connect with someone in the same line of work as you. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius with the Sun following behind on the 20th, enhancing your inquisitive mind with knowledge that you're soaking up on the internet. Going back to school is something worth considering as well with the New Moon giving you the push to submit those applications. This is also a good time to sign up for that online seminar, start writing that book, or prepare to teach others about one of the many areas of your expertise.
Cancer
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The beginning of the month brings your focus to your daily routines and with Mars moving into Sagittarius on the 3rd, you'll be itching to make some changes. Do your best to stay grounded while still inviting more variety into your schedule to make you feel more alive. Also be mindful of workplace drama and err on the side of caution when sharing your religious or political views during this transit. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in your sign wipes the slate clean as you exhale the bullshit that's been lingering in your life, whether it's a mindset, habits, a job, or a relationship. Uranus goes direct on the same day, helping you feel more confident about the unique perspective that you bring to your social network or friend group. This is also a good time to explore some innovative ways to secure the bag via social media.
On the 13th, Venus moves into idealistic Pisces, inviting you to merge with your spiritual beliefs more deeply. Honor your truth—whatever that is for you. Fall in love with the process of learning more about yourself and your place in the world. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius which has you spilling all of your feels on social media. The Sun moves into this same part of your chart on the 20th, reminding you of the importance of sharing your vulnerabilities and embracing your humanity. The New Moon on the 24th serves as a reset in your approach to nurturing more intimacy with your social network and friends. Allowing yourself to fully be seen can be scary but it's necessary to experience more fulfilling connections.
Leo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year begins with Mars moving into your sister sign, Sagittarius, on the 3rd. You're feeling sexy, adventurous, and ready to mingle. Spice up your life with romance and take that suitor up on that opportunity to get flewed out. If you haven't been feeling inspired, your creativity will flow a lot more easily during this transit. On the 10th, a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse helps you break through subconscious conditioning that inhibits you from embracing your emotions and receiving the nurturing you deserve. Pull out the Kleenex and schedule that therapy session to hash out those mommy issues. Rebellious Uranus goes direct on the same day and you could be on the receiving end of some surprise recognition for your work from a higher up.
The planet of love, and money, moves into sweet Pisces on the 13th, making you a magnet for financial support that seemingly falls from the heavens. When it comes to matters of the heart, you and bae are merging in mind, body, and spirit. If things have been rocky, couples therapy could be just what you both need to forgive each other and move forward. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius and you're focused on partnering up with more like-minded folks in love and business. As the Sun transitions into this same part of your chart, you're being recognized for your brilliant vision, making this an opportune time to whip out that proposal. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 24th inviting you to sign your name on the dotted line to solidify a new business relationship or to tie the knot.
Virgo
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The New Year kicks off with Mars moving into Sagittarius on the 3rd, making you restless for an adventure. If you're able to manage it, this is a good time to take a vacay to a new place that will stimulate your mind. Getting in touch with your ancestral roots is also favorable during this transit and you may feel pulled to visit the "Motherland" (wherever that is for you). On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse illuminates your creative and romantic blocks. What do you need to feel secure enough to express yourself and to experience more pleasure? Innovative Uranus goes direct on the same day inviting you to implement those genius ideas you've been sitting on since August. It's time to get in your bag!
The planet of love moves into ethereal Pisces on the 13th and your relationship gets all the more magical. You could find yourself feeling deeply connected to your partner through your shared spiritual beliefs and practices. If you work within the healing or spiritual arts, an influx of clients and partnerships are on the table. On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius, making you a social butterfly amongst the workplace. Your curiosity about people is your superpower this month. The Sun moves into the same part of your chart on the 20th, encouraging you to get more organized especially if you create social media content for yourself or others. January winds down with an exciting New Moon on the 24th, inviting you to implement new habits and routines that can benefit your health.
Libra
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Happy New Year! The month gets going with Mars moving into fiery Sagittarius, giving you the extra oomph you need to get through those school assignments or make some progress with your business, thanks to social media. If you're feeling restless, a staycation could be just what you need to satisfy your wanderlust. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse invites you to reassess whether your career goals are in alignment with what brings you a sense of security (both financially and emotionally). A big achievement of yours may finally be recognized around this time as well. Spontaneous Uranus goes direct the same day, helping you shift your money mindset from broke bitch to boss bitch.
Your ruling planet, Venus, moves into self-sacrificial Pisces, encouraging you to stand firm in those boundaries you've been developing. It's time to fall back in love with the work you do on a daily basis. Delegate those arduous tasks to the expert and stick to what you know (and enjoy). When it comes to love, you may get lucky meeting someone at the office or at the gym. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius, flooding you with genius ideas for creative projects. This energy may have you feeling anxious, so do your best to stay grounded as you turn your vision into a reality. On the 20th, the Sun moves into the same part of your chart, inviting you to indulge in some adventure and romance. The New Moon on the 24th encourages you to let your inner child flourish by recommitting to those dreams you've swept under the rug.
Scorpio
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Money matters are your primary focus at the start of the year as Mars begins its transit through Sagittarius on the 3rd. The hustler spirit is bestowed upon you, so make the most out of this energy. Also spend some time figuring out what financial freedom means to you. This could involve you seeking employment opportunities that offer you the flexibility to work from anywhere in the world (as long as there's a wifi connection, of course). On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse marks the ending of a chapter within your spiritual development which could require you to ditch some old beliefs and practices that just ain't it for you anymore. Remember—there is no guru outside of you. Uranus, the great awakener, goes direct on the same day, encouraging you to join forces with people that value your weird.
On the 13th, Venus begins her transit through gentle Pisces to sweeten up your life with some much-needed romance. Are you ready to be swept off your feet? If not, channel your hopeless romantic vibes into a creative project that you can share just in time for V-Day next month. Halfway through the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius stirring up a bit of friction in the household or amongst your family. You all have the same goal but just different ways of reaching the destination. The Sun moving into this same part of your chart on the 20th reminds you to focus on the bigger picture. If you're searching the market for your dream home, this is a good time to connect with a professional who knows their stuff. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 24th, helping you restore the harmony for the greater good of everyone involved.
Sagittarius
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The new year takes off with Mars moving into your sign on the 3rd, giving you a pick-me-up after partying hard during your birthday season. Take advantage of this potent energy to knock out your to-do list and anything else that requires a lot of effort. You may feel a little more irritable than usual during this transit, so find some healthy ways to blow off the steam. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse invites you to face your demons with a tender approach. In layman's terms, it's OK to cry, babe. Let yourself release those pent up feels related to issues with your mom or a lack of nurturing growing up. Uranus goes direct after a five-month retrograde on the same day. Time is money. Do what you must to create a more efficient schedule for yourself.
On the 13th, Venus moves into Pisces, encouraging you to beautify your home. When it comes to romance, you'll most likely want to lay low with bae in the comfort of your humble abode. Mercury moves into Aquarius on the 16th, gifting you with the gift of gab. It's time to make your debut on IG live to talk yo shit. A few days later, the Sun moves into the same part of your chart, making you super popular on social media. Use your power of influence for something bigger than yourself. The New Moon on the 24th inspires you to share your unconventional ideas, trusting that they'll resonate with the right people. Sometimes you have to ruffle some feathers to create some change. If anyone is down for the cause, it's you.
Capricorn
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
Happy New Year (and birthday for the January Cappies)! The month begins with energetic Mars moving into Sagittarius on the 3rd which has the potential to bring up some hidden frustrations to the surface. Triggered, much? Find some healthy outlets to express your anger to avoid unnecessary drama. Lean into whatever keeps you balanced spiritually to navigate this transit with more ease. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse brings a huge revelation to the light, regarding a key relationship whether romantic or business. If the connection hasn't been working, it will likely dissolve around this time, granting you with a new perspective on how to approach your partnerships moving forward. Uranus, the great awakener, goes direct on the same day, encouraging you to think outside of the box when it comes to romance and creativity.
Venus, planet of love and money, moves into intuitive Pisces on the 13th and you could be getting lucky with online dating. Maybe it's time to respond to that message that's been hanging out in your DMs. When it comes to securing the bag, you could experience an increase in funds if you're promoting something for healing purposes. How can you connect with your audience on an emotional level that makes them want to invest in your brand? On the 16th, Mercury moves into Aquarius and you're talking business (but what's new?) that could bring you long-term security. With the Sun moving into the same part of your chart, you're advised to evaluate whether you're receiving a return on your investment. The New Moon on the 24th invites in a new opportunity that is more in alignment with your true value.
Aquarius
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
The new year has finally arrived (as well as your birthday if you were born in January). In the beginning of the month, you'll find much of your energy exerted towards reconnecting with friends and social networks. Be mindful of competition among your circle. Everyone has something unique and amazing to bring to the table. Utilize each other's strengths to strategize any group projects you're working on. The Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 10th helps you recognize which habits you need to ditch that ultimately drain you. How are you overextending yourself to the point that you're neglecting your own well-being? Give yourself the nurturing you deserve on a regular basis and notice how much your health improves. On the same day, Uranus goes direct helping you revolutionize your money mindset which ultimately has a ripple effect on your family as well. Call in the realizations needed to shift your lineage's energy from poverty to prosperity. Dare to take a risk and pave the way for a new relationship with your finances and family.
On the 13th, Venus moves into Pisces bringing in more money and more opportunities especially if you work in the healing/spiritual arts. This transit invites you to explore ways to increase your income that give you a deeper sense of purpose. And no, you don't have to sacrifice your earning potential by doing work that you love! Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into your sign which will keep you busy and social in the weeks to come. Your birthday season officially begins on the 20th with a New Moon on the 24th reminding you to make a wish. Where do you see yourself a year from now? Dream big, babe. The world is yours.
Pisces
Laci Jordan/xoNecole
January kicks off with passionate Mars moving into free-spirited Sagittarius on the 3rd, getting you motivated for success. You've got what it takes to make your presence and contributions known in the professional world. On the 10th, the Full Moon Lunar Eclipse in Cancer illuminates how you need to nurture your inner child and creativity. Make more time for play and pleasure as these things are just as vital to your well-being as a good night's sleep. This energy could also reveal how you're sabotaging yourself in romance by consistently pursuing people that are unwilling to receive or give love. Stop rehashing your mommy issues with the people you date. As you learn how to nurture yourself more, the people in your life will reciprocate the energy. On the same day, Uranus goes direct helping you innovate the way you share your gifts and talents with the world.
You're receiving a lot of attention, and maybe some extra coin, when Venus moves into your sign on the 13th. This is a good time to revamp your appearance or wardrobe as well. Your confidence will be at an all-time high, making this the perfect energy for getting into some money magic. Around the middle of the month, Mercury moves into Aquarius, activating your dream world with reminders of your destiny. Take it easy as you spend time reflecting, and reconnecting, with a deeper sense of purpose. On the 20th, the Sun moves into Aquarius and your mind is buzzing with ideas, insights, and downloads. Ground yourself to process this information with more ease. Sleep is your best friend during this time. The month winds down with a New Moon on the 24th encouraging you to embrace the endings that must take place before you begin your new solar year.
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Feature Photo by Laci Jordan/xoNecole
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This Couple Almost Let Their 8-Year Age Gap Keep Them From Finding Love With One Another
How We Met is a series where xoNecole talks love and relationships with real-life couples. We learn how they met, how like turned into love, and how they make their love work.
I’m willing to bet that this is not the first time you’ve seen this couple. Dalen Spratt is a television producer, owner of a tailored men's suit line, and creator of Ghost Brothers: Haunted Houseguests, which is currently streaming on Destination America. Stacey Spratt is also a serial entrepreneur, focusing mostly on events and the nonprofit world, and she is the owner of two award-winning craft beer bars called Harlem Hops. But their accolades are not what united them.
The couple met years ago at their alma mater, Clark Atlanta University, when they were still working to create the life they have now, and if you had told them then that they’d eventually tie the knot, the pair probably would’ve laughed in your face.
Today, they’re new parents, flourishing in their careers, and each others’ “teammates.” When desiring love, Dalen recommends not looking to other couples for advice. And Stacey advises staying true to what you want. “Don’t put age or limitations on love and children. If God could do it for me, why can’t he do it for you?”
Here's How We Met.
How did you meet?
Dalen: We met in 2005 when she was advising the Greek sororities and fraternities in college. She was old as hell in college, and I was a young buck (laughs). Everybody had a crush on her, but I didn’t think much of it. Then, in 2007, we were in the same grad school class, but she still wasn’t trying to see me then either. I had to catch her five years ago; I was very patient.
Stacey: Yeah, everybody in our grad school class called him Young, Fresh to Death because he was always dressed in B-school (what CAU affectionately refers to as business major classes), and we’d just wear sweatpants (laughs).
So, I know Dalen was always attracted to you. But what about you? Did your attraction to him develop over time?
Stacey: So 2006-2008 – all the years went by. I don’t think we were really thinking about each other at all back then. Years later, I had an event in Dallas, and I booked him to be a speaker. Then, a few years ago, Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: "If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you." But I still thought he was too young at the time, and he started pulling receipts. Taraji P. Henson was dating someone young at the time, Gabrielle Union–
Dalen: First of all, I didn’t do that. You did that.
Stacey: Okay, I did. I thought he was a cutie pie, but that age thing was on my mind!
"Dalen posted a photo of him on Instagram, and I slid in his DMs. I remembered him being so young and handsome, and I’m like, I should hook him up with my younger cousin. His response was: 'If you’re not hooking me up with you, no thank you.'"
Courtesy
Talk to me about the first date. How did he change your mind?
Stacey: Our first date was at Tin Lizzy's in Atlanta. During that time, he was living in Dallas, so it was long-distance. But he came into town, and we just had a good time. We talked a lot, which we still do. It wasn’t anything fantastic.
Dalen: Don’t downplay our first date.
Then, walk me through your courtship. How did you get to the next level? What was that conversation like?
Stacey: I think he knew at age 43 or 44 I wasn’t playing around. But also, I think it just naturally progressed.
Dalen: Yeah, it just happened naturally. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t think initially either one of us thought it would be as serious as it was. She thought I was too young and I wasn’t ready for marriage, kids, and all that. I think we both thought we were just hanging out. But after spending so much time together, a lot of stuff started happening. Like, she had to have surgery early on. It wasn’t just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That’s why we still don’t have an anniversary date because we never really asked.
"It wasn't just time together; it was intimate time. Next thing we know, we just never left each other. That's why we still don't have an anniversary date because we never really asked."
What made you want to commit to each other?
Dalen: The moment I knew Stacey was for me was from a phone call. I don’t really like talking on the phone, and I can be really blunt sometimes. But we were talking, and I said, ‘I don’t really feel like talking anymore.’ And she was just like, okay, and hung up. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and she understood that. It sounds bad, but that’s how I knew she just got me. I felt like she could get my random awkward moments, and she does to this day.
Stacey: For me, I liked him as a person. Even when times get rough and tough, I could still like him as a human. He is my best friend. We have time. We laugh until we cry, and it’s just always like that. Even when we get pissed at each other, something happens, and we fix it. Also, how he treats his mother. That’s a momma’s boy, but I’m a daddy’s girl – so I get it. I know how I want to be treated, and I see how he is with her and that’s beautiful.
What are some important lessons you’ve learned about yourself through loving your partner in this relationship?
Dalen: I grew up an only child and she grew up with siblings. So, when you have someone who is used to doing things by themselves, there is definitely a learning curve when you get into a serious relationship. It’s funny now, but it was definitely a process.
Stacey: I agree – definitely the only child thing. There’s times I look at him like, did you ever live with anyone else? That comes from being momma's baby, too. I have to say, my “mother-in-love” spoiled him. But also with Axel (their daughter), that brings another level of patience.
Photo by Paras Griffin/Getty Images
What was the biggest challenge that you had to overcome together?
Dalen: We’ve gone through a lot within the years we’ve been together. We suffered two miscarriages – I’d say that’s the biggest.
Stacey: Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me. I was wondering if I can’t carry [a child] what that looks like for us. We had very real conversations pretty early in our relationship.
"Having those miscarriages and trying to understand what’s next and what our options are was a lot. I had two myomectomies (fibroid surgeries), and he supported me through that time. Also, still, it was on my mind that he’s eight years younger than me."
What do you fight the most about?
Dalen: Nagging. Stacey nags; she’s a complainer. She’s that momma that will look in a room and just hunt for something to complain about. Like, I’m worried for Axel when she's in high school.
Stacey: It’s because I like things to be in place. He leaves stuff all over the place. I can tell where he’s been in the house because something is left around. So he says I’m nagging – but it’s like, just get your stuff.
What are your love languages?
Dalen: Stacey is gifts all day.
Stacey: *thinks*
Dalen: We’ve talked about this. xoNecole is about to cause problems in our home (laughs).
Stacey: Obviously I love you. *thinks again* It’s words of affirmation.
Dalen: That’s it.
What’s your favorite thing about each other?
Dalen: I’ve always respected her business-mindedness. That may sound superficial, but it’s not because I’ve never been with someone who thinks like me. It’s one of my most treasured things about her. I remember one day, I was just running through ideas with her, and each time Stacey had a suggestion on how I could make it better. It’s just very comforting. She takes whatever I’m doing and elevates it – including me.
Stacey: I love Dalen’s hustle and creativity. He’s been on multiple shows, and he continues to create, produce, and reinvent himself and the product he’s putting out. I love that we can create together and bounce things off each other. Even though we may be in different arenas, there’s nothing he can’t offer me great advice about. I love that drive.
Finally, how did you know it was love?
Dalen: Well – she said it – first. (laughs)
Stacey: And he looked at me and smiled! He didn’t say it back. We were on a trip, out of the country.
Dalen: We were arguing when she said it, and she just threw it out.
Stacey: But we continue to do that. We’ve spent holidays and everything outside of the country.
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Listen, when it comes to sex, if I have a tagline (that I made up, by the way), it would definitely be, “Sex doesn’t MAKE love; sex CELEBRATES it.” There are a billion-and-one reasons why I feel that way; however, for the sake of your time and my (writing) space, I’ll just name one: although sex is a very powerful thing, I’m not fond of it being seen as a way to make love happen.
Why? Because that’s how a lot of people fall delusionally into all kinds of relational nonsense: they thought that since the sex was good with someone and because oxytocin did what it was designed to do (which is bond two people together), they must, automatically, be on the fast track to love — when that wasn’t even close to being the case. And oftentimes? They had to find that out the hard way.
That’s why I’m a firm believer that sex should be the icing on the cake of a relationship, so to speak. It shouldn’t be relied upon to make love transpire; instead, it should help you and someone who you know that you love to celebrate your feelings and commitment to one another. Make sense?
Okay, so with all of that said, why did I decide to give this article the title that it has? For one thing, what I just shared is my opinion; others feel differently. And two, even if you agree with where I am coming from, pretty much all of us have been programmed to see “having sex” as being less impacting than “making love.” And the latter point is why I decided to ask six married couples to share with me what they think the difference is between having sex and making love — now that they can look at both from a personal experience and “lesson learned” standpoint.
*Middle names are used so that people are able to speak freely and comfortably*
1. Adrian (42) and Melissa (38). Married 14 Years.
GiphyAdrian: “When I was out in these streets, they should’ve named one of them after me; that’s how active I was. And if you asked me to recall what half of those women looked like, I couldn’t draw you a picture. I’m not saying that to brag. I’m saying that to say that women need to not assume that just because a man slept with you that he wanted anything more than that one experience. Having sex gets projected to be more than that with a lot of men when that isn’t the case. When we get a nut, thank you…over and out. Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down. We want to make it last for as long as possible because we enjoy being close to them. If you’re paying close attention, you can tell when a man is making love to you — and when it’s just…sex.”
"Making love is when we bring all of ourselves into the moment. We have feelings for the person. We let our guard down."
Melissa: “Unlike my husband here, I wasn’t ‘out here’ like that. I was never someone who wanted a ‘hoe phase,’ and one-night stands weren’t really my thing either. I did have some rebound sex situations, and that’s what I have to go on when it comes to having sex vs. making love. I think for us women, when we’re using someone to get over someone else, there’s no way that could be about love because the motive is selfish. Making love is about giving yourself to another and also wanting to please them as they do the same thing for you. You’re not looking for what you can get so much as what you can give. It’s literally about expressing love in a physical way. Having sex has nothing to do with any of this.”
2. Wesley (30) and Narielle (31). Married for Three Years.
GiphyWesley: “Why isn’t f — king in here too? That’s another category. Yeah, if someone is just f — king you, there’s very little foreplay or kissing, and they have already timed how long you should stay or they’re gonna be at your place. If they’re having sex with you, they will care enough to tell you what the situation is and will pass if you’re not on the same page because they at least value you enough to not want to hurt your feelings or give you any illusions. If they’re making love to you, they’ve told you where they stand, emotionally, before the sex. It doesn’t always mean that you’re in a serious relationship, but the two of you do share similar feelings and are on the same page about where you’d like things to go. When men make love, there’s intention involved. They’re also figuring out how to fit you into their life besides the four walls of their bedroom.”
Narielle: “I think that having sex is more about physical pleasure while making love is a holistic experience. Whenever I make love, things feel more intimate, more intense, and more…involved. I’m also not looking just for an orgasm, but when they happen, they are so much better than when they happen with sex only. It’s like love is in action in the most profound way possible. That’s why I think they call it ‘making love.'”
3. Xavier (41) and Charlotte (38). Married 11 Years.
GiphyXavier: “When you want to be as close as you can to someone because it’s where you feel safe, loved, and fully appreciated as the person you are, and you can trust that because that individual knows more about you than anyone else, that’s when you’re walking into ‘make love dimensions.’ I agree with you: sex doesn’t make love happen. It’s more like…the sex act makes it possible for you to share a closeness with someone that nothing else can. And when that closeness transpires with a person who you love with everything that you are, ‘make love’ is almost the only way to describe it. Now having sex? Animals do that. A sexual release doesn’t mean that anything life-changing or earth-shattering happened. If your genitals get stimulated, you’re gonna climax. Big deal.”
"When I'm horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm."
Charlotte: “Hmm. How do I put this? I guess the best way to separate having sex and making love to me is, when I’m horny, I have sex. When I want intimacy, I make love. Most of the time, those two things overlap, but sometimes, I just want to orgasm. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’ve got my husband ‘on tap’ to do that with, but the orgasm is really all that I’m after. Making love, though? That’s when the orgasm is the icing on the cake because, more than anything, I just want him inside of me to feel how much I adore him and how much he adores me. If we cum, cool. If we don’t…I’m fine with that too.”
4. Jacob (27) and Ashlynn (27). Married for Two Years.
GiphyJacob: “I think that having sex is about what you can get out of sex, and making love is what you and your partner can get. What I mean is, back when I was just having sex, if the other person had a great time, that was fine, but it wasn’t my main goal. A lot of guys won’t tell you that getting your off is still about us and our ego when there’s not an emotional connection on some level. Making love? I’m not happy, pleased, or done until my partner is, and her being pleased brings me the most pleasure. Making love is a selfless act.”
Ashlynn: “Without going into too much detail, now that I’m married…I don’t think I’ve ever really made love until my husband. I had some really good sex but…when you’re fully committed to someone who is also fully committed to you, it shows up everywhere — including in the bedroom. It’s like…all of the love that I have for this man, I want him to feel it during the sex act, and that is A LOT. I also think that’s why our sex life only gets better over time. The more I love him, the more I wanna express it. Yes, even with sex.”
5. Richard (34) and Shayla (33). Married 7 Years.
GiphyRichard: “Mostly everyone who I’ve had sex with, I cared about on some level. I respected my body and time too much to lower that bar. Making love is something different. When men get to a point where they feel like they are ‘making love to you’ — they are totally vulnerable. They are bringing all of who they are into your energy and space. That’s why women have to be careful about how they treat men whenever a man initiates — he’s bringing his most fragile self to you when he actually loves you.”
"Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet... sometimes they don't."
Shayla: “I’m gonna be real with you: sometimes I ‘have sex’ with my husband, and sometimes we ‘make love.’ Yes, I love him all of the time, but I think the differences have a lot to do with the mindset you’re in while having sex with someone. Sometimes, I don’t want to be all emotional and cuddly. I want my back blown out! Having sex to me is about the animalistic side of sex. Making love is the emotional part. Sometimes, they meet…sometimes they don’t. I’m satisfied either way.”
6. Ransom (50) and Ostar (47). Married for 24 Years.
GiphyRansom: “Not to go too deep on you, but I think the biggest difference between having sex and making love is in the first words of both terms: have and make. Have means that there are different degrees of possessing something. Make means that there’s a particular method or approach that you’re using to achieve a certain end result. When you have sex with someone, there are degrees of investing that you are putting in to get what you want — and based on who you’re having sex with, that goal can vary. When you make love, you’re going to take the approach that will make you and your partner feel the most loved. There are no variations because, each and every time you make love, love what you’re looking to achieve.”
Ostar: “Damn babe. See why I love this man? In all of our years together, I’ve never heard him speak on this before. He’s gonna get some tonight: sex and love! My thoughts are that having sex is ‘scratching the surface’ of intimacy while making love is going into the deep end of it all. When you want all of who you are to mesh with all of who someone else is, then you’re getting into the ‘make love’ side of things. Also, pay close attention to how you feel once the experience is over. If you want to learn even more about them, get closer to their soul and commit even deeper as you feel all of that being reciprocated? There’s a good chance that some ‘love energy’ was exchanged because, when it’s just sex, you tend to want to retreat back into yourself rather than share even more with someone else. Making love is a spiritual journey. Having sex can be just…physical.”
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There you have it: six married couples (and 12 different people) sharing their thoughts on what having sex and what making love is — to them. And now that you’ve taken in their perspectives, I’m curious…what are yours? Hop in the comments and share. Because no matter where your feelings fall on the issue, if there’s one thing that all of these insights proved, it’s that sex isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” kind of experience. And you know what? Making love isn’t…either.
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Featured image by Giphy