Jade Kendle Is A New Mom & Veteran Hustler Who Puts Self-Care First
In xoNecole's series Mother/Hustler, we sit down with influential mom bosses who open up about the ups and downs of motherhood, as well as how they kill it in their respective industries, all while keeping their sanity and being intentional about self-care.
Between creating content for her audience of more than 290K followers, planning a wedding, traveling the world, and breastfeeding a five-month-old baby at the same damn time, there is no doubt that Jade Kendle is a whole superhero in these streets. For this new mom and veteran hustler, her only kryptonite is self-neglect, a nemesis that she's battled with since giving birth to her daughter Sarai in July.
In an exclusive interview with xoNecole, Jade shared, "I know it's especially tough to take care of ourselves as moms but I truly believe that my daughter requires the best me. I'm not my best [if I'm] super tired or without having 10 minutes in the morning and night to tend to my skin or brush my hair." She explained, "Believe me, those newborn days had me skipping my wellness routines and it was not cute."
Despite the whirlwind chaos of being a full-time mother/hustler, Jade has one helluva support system that helps her keep her eye on the bag, even in her worst moments. The content creator shared that having an accountability partner, her twin, fellow mogul mommy and business partner, Simone Kendle has been key in helping her find and keep her balance as a mompreneur.
She told xoNecole, "I called her mid-breakdown the other day, [and] she said, 'This the shit they talk about, Jade. Being a working mom is hard! It's easy to be proud of yourself when everything is going right. It's these moments where things are out of whack that really shows how hard this mompreneur life is. But guess what? You can do this and It's going to be OK.'"
Along with prioritizing her self-care and saying 'no' to things that don't bring her joy, this is how Jade Kendle manages running a business while figuring out motherhood at the same damn time:
How do you handle moments when you feel overwhelmed?
I have to walk away and find a quiet spot to breathe! Sometimes feeling overwhelmed is just in our heads and, for me, changing my environment, even if it's a bathroom (laughs), makes a world of difference!
What’s the hardest part of your day?
The moments where I have to hop on a call or film and Sarai just won't comply. Whether that's her being super fussy because she's tired or wanting to take for-ev-er to nurse. Those moments I feel my anxiety build and are the moments where being a working new mom is a challenge. But short-lived, thankfully!
When do you feel most productive?
First thing in the morning, Sarai and I will wake up, play, and nurse. Once she's down for her first nap, my workday begins! I take full advantage of her nap times to do all work-related things so when she is awake, I can give her my attention. She's actually napping right now [as we speak]!
"First thing in the morning, Sarai and I will wake up, play, and nurse. Once she's down for her first nap, my workday begins! I take full advantage of her nap times to do all work-related things so when she is awake, I can give her my attention."
What is your favorite way to spend “me time”?
I love going to the spa! Getting a facial or massage is my jam. I force myself to go at least once a month since even getting to the nail salon regularly is a stretch. For me, that massage or moment in the steam room gives me that hard reset my body and mind need.
What is your advice for dealing with mom guilt?
Whew, that's a tough one. Honestly, I don't have that figured out. My best bet is that I'll always have it in some capacity because I'm a working woman. I just know that I do it all for her. I want my daughter to see me living a life I love and one where I can be passionate about my work and be there for her, too.
What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned as an entrepreneur?
You NEED a team!
What is the most important lesson you want your kid(s) to learn from you?
You decide. You decide who you are, you decide what you do. You decide when to go right or left. Life is about choices–don't let ANYONE or anything convince you that your instinct or innate desire/passion is wrong.
Why was it important to you to be an entrepreneur even though some people may think that a 9-5 offers more stability?
I had to recognize that what I want my life to look like didn't match what many 9-5ers lives look like. I felt so many conflicts–even in school–with strict routines and expectations. I knew I would either struggle to get up every day, which at times, I did. Or, I would have to walk a very different path. I'm so glad I chose a different path!
"I had to recognize that what I want my life to look like didn't match what many 9-5ers lives look like. I felt so many conflicts–even in school–with strict routines and expectations. I knew I would either struggle to get up every day, which at times, I did. Or, I would have to walk a very different path."
How has being a mother helped you become a better entrepreneur (or vice versa)?
Motherhood has taught me such a great lesson in prioritizing. From work to personal. Who do I really want to surround myself with? What projects do I really want to do? My life revolves around my family now, not work. That was a huge shift for me!
What advice do you have for moms who are looking to start their business but haven’t taken a step out on faith yet?
If you don't do it for you, do it for your baby. Do you want them to grow up seeing you work a job you hate or what dedication to your passion looks like?
Do you think it’s important to keep your personal and professional life separate? Why or why not?
For me, the personal and professional life is so intertwined! It works for me and what I do. I think everyone has to make that decision for themselves.
What advice do you have when it comes to time management as a mogul mommy?
Take advantage of a sleep schedule (laughs). That's all I got, so far!
What tips do you have for financial planning, both professionally and for your family?
Whew, that's a whole convo in itself! I would say in very general terms, PLAN PLAN PLAN!
To learn more about Jade, follow her on Instagram @lipstickncurls!
Featured image by Instagram/@lipstickncurls.
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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During an interview not too long ago, someone asked me a question that I think more therapists and life coaches (hell, people who work in the mental health field on any level, to be honest) should be asked more often: “So Shellie, how do you not become jaded when working with people who complain a lot?”
LISTEN. That really is a layered question because, when you work with couples, it is indeed true (unfortunately) that a lot of them come to you to save their marriage once it’s on life support instead of doing routine maintenance as they would when it comes to changing the oil in their car. So, if you’re considering hitting up a marriage “expert,” first, we can’t do more work than you’re willing to (and boy, that will preach!). Secondly, the effort we put in will be futile if both parties aren’t willing to take some personal accountability for their actions or lack thereof (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”).
Okay, but back to what I was asked. For one thing, I receive confirmations, almost on a daily basis, that I am living out my purpose — and when you know that you’re doing what you were put on the planet to do, that fuels you like nothing else can or will. Secondly, my clients know that I am uber-focused on working together to find solutions within each and every session; the “Hmm…tell me more about that” while saying nothing coach, I am not. Third, I am careful about the kind of energy I take in on the days when I have sessions (especially if it’s gonna be more than one), from who I talk to on the phone, what I watch on television, and what I consume online. And finally, a sistah is good for some naps. Naps are king.
As for my third point, did you catch that in order for me to help people effectively, I have to be intentional about avoiding toxicity and negativity? And you know what? When it comes to keeping your marriage healthy, the same mindset must be considered. One way to do that is to apply what is called the “5:1 Ratio.” And that is just what we’re gonna get into today.
The Magic Ratio: The 5:1 Ratio in Relationships
What Is the 5:1 Ratio in Marriage All About?
GiphySo…some backstory on the 5:1 Ratio. Back in the 70s, a man by the name of Dr. Robert Levenson and another man by the name of Dr. John Gottman decided to conduct some studies on how people resolve conflict. What they would ask couples to do is strive to resolve an issue that they were having in no more than 15 minutes (hmph…some of y’all like to hold grudges for days on end, so I already know this would be quite the feat…SMDH).
After spending several years evaluating this practice, they were able to predict which couples would be able to go the distance vs. which ones would probably end up in divorce court with an amazing 90 percent accuracy rate. The conclusion that they came to is healthy/happy couples practice the 5:1 Ratio while unhealthy/unhappy couples do not.
And just what is the 5:1 Ratio? What it all boils down to is for a marriage to thrive — especially on a mental and emotional level — there needs to be five positive interactions for every one negative interaction that transpires.
For instance, if you and your husband get into a disagreement about household chores, that is the “one” negative, yet if you’re able to crack jokes, laugh, exchange some level of intimacy, playfully tease, and hear each other out without any cynicism or sarcasm, that counts as “five” positives — and so long as that type of 5-to-1 engaging is going on, you should be (relatively) fine.
Oh, I know for a fact that there are all kinds of truth up in this because, even in my sessions, I’ve got clients who can give me about 10 negative interactions in under 60 minutes while getting them to say or do anything positive is like performing an impromptu root canal on them. Why is that the case? I think a part of it has to do with how much negativity bias goes down in relationships. Let me explain.
How to Keep Negativity Bias from Infecting Your Marriage
Giphy“Leaning into the negative” is actually a real thing; it’s called negativity bias. It basically means that humans tend to respond/react to negative way stronger than they do to positive stuff. That’s why, for instance, if someone asks you to list 10 things that you like about yourself vs. 10 things that you don’t, not only will it (probably) be easier for you to run down the things that you don’t like, you will probably start out with those things as well.
Yeah, negativity bias is wild because if you were to read up on it, you’d learn that it’s why a lot of us find bad news to hold more truth and merit to it than good news and/or why people have a hard time reaching a goal or completing a plan because they tend to be more focused on what they will lose by putting forth the effort than what they actually stand to gain. So, if just one person struggles with staying on top of not “falling victim” to negativity bias…think how much more effort it takes to not let it influence you when it comes to your relationships with other people. Especially your marriage.
For instance, if your husband comes home in a bad mood, think about how much easier it is to absorb his negative energy due to y’all’s emotional closeness and the physical proximity of his presence alone. Before you know it, now you both are salty as hell. Then, if you decide to have a conversation about the household budget (which is usually not the most comfortable conversation to have, even on the best of days) and the two of you are already in a “glass half empty kind of mood” — here comes assuming, accusing and gaslighting. See what I mean?
This is a part of the reason why premarital counseling is so important because, real talk, one reason why so many marriages fail is because one or both people were too negative for that kind of commitment in the first place. Let’s be real: how are you going to compromise, be flexible, not be selfish, be solutions-oriented, and be open to seeing things from another person’s perspective if you permeate negative energy all over the place? YOU’RE NOT.
So, while we’re here, if you’re reading this and you happen to be unmarried yet are in a serious relationship, here are some signs that you and/or your partner are a very negative type of individual:
- You tend to look at things from a worst-case-scenario perspective;
- You don’t deal with stress well;
- You want to control everything;
- You use “always” and “never” a lot (which means that you see things in extremes, which isn’t healthy);
- You’re inflexible;
- You hardly ever see the silver lining or bright side of things;
- You critique everything and everyone;
- You don’t know how to compromise or negotiate;
- Damn near every conversation turns into a debate;
- You’re draining to be around.
If you can relate to three or more of these traits, the good news is you can change things around (with the help of some therapy and/or life coaching)…if you choose to. The challenging news is you really should wait before trying to take your relationship to the next level. Marriage already requires quite a bit of energy and effort — it’s already gonna stretch and challenge you in ways that no other relationship (in your entire life) will; if you’re a negative person, you’re already setting yourself up to see a judge grant you a divorce someday. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.
Okay, but what if you’re already married, you didn’t really know as much about how negativity can infect your union and you want some help to make things better? Well, now that you know what the 5:1 Ratio is, let’s talk about a few ways that you can implement it — starting now. Like…right now.
The Magic Ratio: How to Use the 5:1 Ratio in Relationships
5 Tips for Effectively Applying the 5:1 Ratio to Your Relationship. Starting Today.
Giphy1. Tell your partner what you appreciate about them. Author H. Jackson Brown, Jr. once said, “Don’t forget; a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated.” Appreciation is about making someone feel valued; it’s about letting them know what, about them, you are grateful for. I guarantee you that if you show appreciation to your partner, in the midst of whatever conflict or issues may be transpiring, it’s going to make things go over more smoothly. It tends to make working through matters easier, too, because they know that you see the good that they bring to the table in the midst of the challenges that are happening.
2. Stop taking them and/or yourself so seriously. Two things that are true about conflict: it’s gonna happen, and it’s not the end of the world. Listen, the couples in my world who hold grudges for days (which is silly and counterproductive; I can’t say that enough) are the ones who either take themselves or their partner way too seriously. What I mean by that is, they’re wound up (or expect their partner to be), they can’t take a joke (or won’t “let” their partner make one), and/or they would rather be right than happy (have mercy!) You are going to create more problems than resolve the ones that you have if everything is so strict and rigid for you. In other words, goodness — learn to lighten up.
3. Value your partner’s perspective. Real talk, if you think that you’re the only one who has wisdom, insight, perspective, truth, and knowledge — why did you get married? And if you can’t respect where your partner is coming from, whether you agree with them or not — again, why did you get married? A part of the purpose of marriage is to learn from the person YOU CHOSE and that requires listening, having an open mind, and bringing some humility into the conversation(s). I promise you that so much conflict can be nipped in that 15-minute window that I mentioned earlier if more husbands and wives were willing to apply this point right here alone, chile.
4. Be physically affectionate. Manipulating and/or weaponizing intimacy is not only counterproductive; it’s mean. Not only that but there are too many articles out there that support the fact that if you want to feel closer to your partner, touch helps to make that happen. Now, am I saying that every time there’s conflict you should have sex? Eh. Everything needs balance (check out “Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good”). What I am saying is…watch your body language during conflict (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”) and be open to exchanging a kiss or hug once the discussion ends. It’s a way of saying, “I still got you even though this is a bit strained right now.” And when you’re married, that’s something that should be consistently conveyed.
5. Seek a solution. Again, if you’re unmarried and reading this, please DO NOT marry someone who isn’t a solutions-oriented type of person. Lawd, the number of clients I have who seem to enjoy wallowing in drama, tension, and problems is its own pandemic. Some are like that because they are naturally negative people. Others are like that because they were never taught how to see things from a “glass half full” angle. Still, others are like that because they aren’t emotionally intelligent and self-aware enough to get that staying in conflict is mentally draining and such a waste of time. Are you and your man gonna have conflict? 1000 percent. You can master the 5:1 Ratio, in part, by trying to find a solution as soon as absolutely possible, though.
____
In life, conflict comes. That’s just the way it is. Hopefully, now that you’re aware of the 5:1 Ratio approach, you’ve got a cheat code for bringing peace into your relationship quicker than you may have before.
Remember: for one negative action, bring in five positive reactions. Watch how your marriage flourishes because of it. Science says so.
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Featured image by Georgijevic/Getty Images