There's nothing I detest more than an inconsiderate person, and although I see myself as someone who considers the feelings of everyone (and they mama) before making any decision, there's one person that I've neglected grossly. I'm that person. That person is me.
My love is like water, abundant and overflowing, but when I forgot to love myself, that well ran dry and chronic half-assness ensued. I invested in half-assed business deals, I had sex with half-ass romantic partners, and most importantly, I half-assed myself when it came to my spiritual, mental, and physical health.
When there was no one left to blame for my deficit of joy, energy, and passion, I realized that maybe, the culprit of my unhappiness wasn't my man, my job, or my circumstances. That culprit was me. I am that person. Jada Pinkett Smith recently took to Instagram to reveal that she is on a similar journey to wholeness and admitted that initially, what she found on that road wasn't pretty:
"So I'm going through a process of self-evaluation and recognizing places in which I've been deeply unkind and unloving and having to really see, not only how I've been that way with others, but how I've been that way with myself."
How you treat the people around you is often a direct reflection of how you treat yourself. In my experience, someone who is unkind to others is usually not very kind to themselves, so if you've had an attitude with the people around you lately, this one's for you, sis: what you focus on will expand, and some of us are so focused on the storms in life that we forget to notice when a rainbow is right in front of us.
A truly mature woman understands that we get all down on ourselves sometimes; but please understand that no self-slander will be tolerated here. Jada said that when it comes to negative self-talk, we have to check ourselves before we mentally wreck ourselves:
"[I've been] recognizing that self-love is about changing [that] harsh messaging within my mind, and the tone in which I speak to myself."
When you recognize that your energy is a treasure that should be protected at all costs, you move different. Jada said that this logic also applies when it comes to choosing her inner circle:
"And also realizing what I let in my life and who I allow in my life is a representation of self-love. This process has been very revealing in my process of eliminating unkindness and finding deeper ways to love. So, self-love, changing that messaging in my mind to more kind and gentle words; how I speak to myself. And being very careful about who I let in my life and what I let in my life."
Pastor Pinkett just slid through with the word we needed on this beautiful Monday afternoon, and that word is: self-love. That's it. That's the whole paragraph. It may seem like the world is on your shoulders and that you'll never have enough time, money, or resources to reach your goals, but quite frankly my dear, that's bullsh*t. Think enough of yourself to know you got it girl, you got it.
If you can change how you talk to yourself, you can change the world.
Featured image by Instagram/@JadaPinkettSmith.
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To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorney and a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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