Is It Really Possible To Be In Love With Two People At The Same Time?
If you're someone who only speedreads or skims and you want the bottom line of what I'm about to share, it's actually a two-fold answer as to whether you can truly be in love with two people at the same time. First, love comes in levels and secondly, it is pretty difficult to truly be in love with two individuals simultaneously. For those of you who are already sayin', "You're trippin'. I've done it before", while I know it might feel that way, just hear me out for a sec.
No matter how old you are, what relational status you currently hold or even what your values are based on/in, I'm pretty sure that, if there's one thing we all can agree on, it's the fact that love is something you learn more about as you evolve as an individual. Just think about it—the way you thought about love in your teens is very different than the way you think about love now. Different people and experiences play a direct role in that; so does how you feel about yourself as you maneuver through those situations.
Take my first love vs. the last man who I profoundly loved.
At 19, my brain hadn't even fully developed and honestly, because I was still reeling from childhood abuse, I was looking for someone to tell me what love was all about; someone who would define it for me through their actions towards me. So really, more than anything, I was "in love" so to speak with him showing me what he thought romantic love was all about because, for the most part, I had absolutely no clue. Was sitting on the phone all hours of the night love? Was singing "Weak" to one another every chance we got love? Was having sex love? Was letting him drive my car, giving him money and forgiving him for every time I found out about some random chick that he was messing with love? Was allowing him to enter in and out of my life for years to come…love?
The last guy? Chile, there was so much praying, fasting and implementing of I Corinthians 13 (the Love Chapter) that, in hindsight, I realize that more than merely being "in love" with him, I was in love with him being a tool that taught me how to love God and myself more (when someone keeps you on your knees in prayer, you learn more about God's grace and mercy than ever!). Plus, after that particular journey? Listen here—if I don't know nothin' else, I know that I know that I know how to love a man. When you can come out of something long, revelatory and sometimes even emotionally painful and you only respect love and the Source of Love more because of it, on some level, you come to realize that it served some good. No matter how hard it was to go through—or get over.
And that's just the thing. I've been with 14 guys. 80 percent of those partners, I was really close friends with. While pondering what I know about the stages of like, love and being in love now, I believe that while I liked all of them and even loved some of them, I have been in love with four men. In some ways, I still love them (when you've been truly "in love" it doesn't die; it transforms). At times, as I was still trying to figure out who belonged where in my life, it felt as if I was in love with a couple of them simultaneously. But time and wisdom have brought me to the convicted conclusion that that is not even remotely the case.
Here's why.
In the article "Like, Love & in Love: How to Really Know the Differences" that was published on the site earlier this year, something I shared is the reason why I believe that "in love" is ill-defined and misused a lot (which is why a lot of us can end up being so-called "in love" all by ourselves) is because of the two prepositions that come up whenever we say "I'm in love with so-and-so." Did you catch 'em? IN and WITH. As I said in the article, "The word 'in' means to be in a place, position, or type of relationship. The word 'with' means to be accompanied by." What's my point?
Something that my male friends and I discuss fairly often is the emotional resilience of a woman. While we're out here "falling in love" (I'm not a fan of that phrase; it makes me think of something that Albert Einstein once said—"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.") multiple times throughout our lives, men may do it three tops—and that's pushing it. They tend to have a first love, a wife (or long-term companion) and someone in between or following her. Other than that, they're good. Whenever I ask my male friends why that is the case, most of them say something along the lines of love is really serious to them, sometimes almost scary to them and so they are not open to doing it a ton of times.
It's not that they don't love love, it's that they take it more seriously than a lot of us give them credit for.
This means that since they are not out here running and rushing to be in love, it's rare that they will ever be in love with two women at once time. I mean rare like a UFO sighting! In like (to take pleasure in; find agreeable or congenial)? Sure. In lust (intense sexual desire or appetite)? Absolutely. In interest (something that concerns, involves, draws the attention of, or arouses the curiosity of a person)? Of course. But in love? The answer is simply "no".
How can I say that so confidently? Because in love is not something that should be treated casually. For a man, I venture to say that once he reaches the in love portion of the program, he's got courtship on the brain. Courtship is not to be confused with chivalry. Courtship isn't about opening doors and turning off cell phones on dates. Courtship, by true definition, is about seeing someone as a partner for life and putting the steps into place to make that happen. And no, I don't personally know any man who has done that even a handful, let alone dozens of times. Also, of the men I know who take courtship seriously, two women did not overlap either. They may "have love" for someone other than who they are in love with, but actually in love with the other chick? No.
So, if the only way that any of us can be in love is if someone accompanies us in that type of relationship, this means that in order for any of us to be in love with two men at one time, they have to be along with us for the ride. In other words, they have to be exactly where we are mentally and emotionally. Oh, and relationally. Two men who are doing exactly that, at the same time, with one woman is highly unlikely. There's more though.
I'm pretty sure most of us have heard a variation of the quote "If ever I am just an option, don't choose me." There's not enough time or space today to get into the fact that if you're truly in love with yourself, you would never allow someone to tell you that they are in a duality with you and someone else (and if someone else is in love with themselves, they wouldn't settle for that either). But there's another reason why I'm bringing that quote up.
When I sit and reflect on the four men that I loved—that I really and truly loved—at the time when I felt as though I was in love with them, there was no confusion going on. If I had to choose anyone else on the planet, it was only one of them, period. I believe it's because when you're in love and someone is in love with you, that experience is so consuming that it's hard to even consider someone else sharing that space.
What about the times when I wondered if I was in love with more than one of them?
Remember how I said at the top of the article that love comes in levels? My first and last love are two men whom I've loved more than just about any other human being on the planet. Both journeys lasted for several years. In fact, my first love came back into my life for the billionth and final time while I was still caught up in the last guy. Because of how much I once loved my first love, because he and I discussed where we were now and what we should do with those feelings, on the surface, it could appear as if I was in love with two men. But here's the thing—if I had to choose between him and the other guy, there really was no contest. Something being tempting doesn't mean that you're "in love". Something that you may reminisce about doesn't mean that you're "in love".
The one you would choose, above all others, no matter what? That's who you're truly in love with.
And what if you can't decide between two guys? Do yourself and them a favor and replace "in love" with "love" because that's actually where you're at. And, real talk, if you're somewhere in the headspace of "If I could create a hybrid of the two, I'd be so happy", there's a chance that you should play Outkast's jam "Prototype", take the pressure off of yourself and wait for the one who wouldn't have to compete with anyone else. Including and especially those two fellas. Because another thing about being in love is you are all in with someone and you can't do that fractionated.
Being in love keeps you with a singular focus. It's designed to be that way.
So yeah. Whenever someone tells me that they are in love with two people, if their heads are out of the clouds enough to listen, what I'll typically suggest is they consider that what's really going on is they love two folks and they are in confusion about what to do next. How do they get out of that confusion? One way is to decide who they would choose if they had to choose (someone always has the upper hand). Another way is to discuss with both individuals how they feel about them. Because there's no point in contemplating over being in love with someone who isn't thinking about choosing to be in love with you.
Bottom line, saying that you're in love with two people may be popular but it's not really accurate.
Now that you see things from this perspective, who are you truly in love with?
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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Featured image by Jasper Cole/Getty Images