3 Surefire Ways To Improve Your Self-Awareness
As amazing as it is to be feeling ourselves (cue Beyonce), it's more beneficial to know ourselves first above anything. When it comes to masking a fake smile and having our "pretty on fleek", we as women have our male counterparts beat when it comes to wearing a disguise.
In order for an individual to master the art of leveling up, they have to fully understand how the decisions we make affect every facet of our lives. That's in body, mind, spirit and them good ol' finances too. The process of introspection can be a pain in the bum, but it's necessary if we want to excel to higher heights.
Your life could either be a vibe or a downright disappointment. That's all based on you and how you choose to live it.
We've all heard the phrase, "what you place your focus on, you magnify" and, as cliché as it may be, it couldn't be truer. Our perspective shapes our reality and being cognizant of our choices, surroundings, situations, and people in our corner can put you on another level of boss babe. It's not always easy to stay focused, but being able to identify the who, what, where, when, and why can help us remain on-track and bossed up like never before. Here are 3 surefire ways to keep your self-awareness in-check.
Far too many times, we place our focus on the would've, could've, should'ves when we are missing out on the lesson being presented to us right here and right now. To be truly present in the moment, we have to place our attention on what's currently at hand. Take, for instance, if we are always rushing to get up to go to work and are in an even bigger rush to get off work, we miss the opportunity to fully live in what happened during our day.
We're unable to analyze how our day was, how it made us feel, what triggers it may have brought up, and what we could have accomplished or done better. It's all about recognition baby. You have to make a conscious choice to live in the now. When it comes down to being present, we have to allow ourselves literal breathing room so that we can take a step back and assess what's going on in our lives.
Boyz II Men said it best, "It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday." But we have to realize the longer we hold on to the past, the longer we stunt our own growth in the areas we wish to prevail in. Every chapter in our life requires a different version of you to show up. You can't expect the 18-year-old version of you to understand the moves that you make now at 30-something. That's simply due to the fact that you've changed and grown due to life experiences. Some for better and some, unfortunately, for worse.
Change is bound to happen and there's nothing we can do to prevent that. But what we can do is assess what changes were made for better or worse and use the process of elimination to decide whether or not those changes you see are the ones you wish to exist.
3.Explore Your Emotions
Life can make you clap your hands, wanna dance, or just outright stomp (Kirk Franklin said that). Our emotional states tell us a lot about what areas need to be tapped into more. Learning through our emotions allows us the opportunity to reflect on what challenges we need to overcome or simply if we are in a good space at the time. You don't have to shout it out to the moon and sky above, but you do need to have a conversation with yourself about what's going on inside of that mind and body of yours.
The more we ignore how we are feeling, the more trapped we become in our own mind. Open communication with self and with others can really help with letting go of our fears and make room for peace within.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
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Featured image by Shutterstock.
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Corein Carter is a Los Angeles-based blogger, content creator and podcaster. The New Jersey native has had a love affair with words since she began penning poetry in high school and later went on to study journalism at WSSU. The self-proclaimed "Naturalista" embodies all things spiritual, plant-based, and self-care in both her daily life and through writing. You may recognize Corein's captivating voice and well-rounded perspectives from her fast growing podcast "Play on Words". Follow her journey on Twitter and Instagram @inlivingcolored.
Unapologetically, Chlöe: The R&B Star On Finding Love, Self-Acceptance & Boldly Using Her Voice
On set inside of a mid-city Los Angeles studio, it’s all eyes on Chlöe. She slightly shifts her body against a dark backdrop amidst camera clicks and whirs, giving a seductive pout here, and piercing eye contact there. Her chocolate locs are adorned with a few jewels that she requested to spice up the look, and on her shoulders rests a jeweled piece that she asked to be turned around to better showcase her neck (“I feel a bit old,” she said of the original direction). Her shapely figure is tucked into a strapless bodysuit with a deep v-neck that complements her décolletage.
Though subtle, her quiet wardrobe directives give the air of a woman who’s been here before, and certainly knows what she’s doing. At 24 years young, she’s a “Bossy” chick in training— one who’s politely unapologetic and learning the power of her own voice.
“I'm hesitant sometimes to truly speak my mind and speak up for myself and what I believe,” she later confessed to me a couple of weeks after the photoshoot. “It's always scary for me, but now I'm realizing that I have to, in order to gain respect as a Black woman— a young Black woman— who's still navigating who she is. And you know, I'm realizing that closed mouths don't get fed. And if I keep my mouth shut just because I'm afraid of what people's opinions of me will be or turn into, then that's not any way to live.”
For Chlöe, the journey into womanhood is about embracing who she is, without succumbing to the perceptions of what others think of her. From the waist up she’s everything you’d imagine. A gorgeous goddess with the kind of sex appeal that some work hard to embrace but fail to exude. But unbeknownst to anyone not on set, her bottom half is covered by a white robe, surprising coming from the girl who boasts “'Cause my booty so big, Lord, have mercy” on her first hit single “Have Mercy.”
But that’s the beauty of Chlöe. There’s more to her than meets the eye. More than what a few sensual photos sprinkled throughout an Instagram feed could ever tell you. Just like the photo-framing illusion of her portrayed from the waist up, what we know about the songstress is just the tip of the iceberg. There’s so much more beneath the surface.
Some hours later Chlöe leans back in a high chair as her locs are transformed from a formal updo to a seemingly Basquiat-inspired one. It’s pure art, and at her request, no wigs are a part of the day’s ensemble. She’s fully embracing her natural hair, a decision that wasn’t always a socially accepted one.
In the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, (Mableton, to be exact) Chlöe began to explore the foundation of her self-image. At an early age she and her younger sister, Halle, demonstrated a vocal prowess and knack for being in front of the camera that caught their parents’ attention. Soon after, they were sent on a parade of local talent shows and auditions, and eventually broke into the digital space with song covers on YouTube.
It was during these early years that Chlöe first learned that the entertainment industry could be unforgiving to those who didn’t fit a particular beauty standard. Despite the then three-year-old snagging a role as the younger version of Beyoncé’s character, Lilly, in Fighting Temptations, casting agents requested that her natural locs be exchanged for more Eurocentric tresses. Ironic, considering that growing up Chlöe saw her hair as no different than that of her peers. “I remember specifically in pre-K we had to do self-portraits and I drew myself with a regular straight ponytail, like how I would put my locs in a ponytail,” she says. “I just never saw myself any different.”
Chlöe would also learn the true meaning of a phrase that would later become an affirmation posted on her bedroom mirror: “Don’t Let the World Dim Your Light.” After attempting to wear wigs to fit in, the Bailey sisters instead chose to rock their locs with pride, which undoubtedly cost them casting roles. Yet they would have the last laugh when making headlines as the “Teen Dreadlocked Duo” who landed a million-dollar contract with Parkwood Entertainment, and the coveted opportunity to be groomed under the tutelage of a world-renowned superstar.
Credit: Derek Blanks
While that could be the end of a beautiful fairytale of self-empowerment, the reality is that it’s just the beginning of the story of her evolution. For most girls, the transition into womanhood takes place in the comfort of their own worlds, often limited to the number of people they allow to have access to them. But for Chlöe, it’s happening in front of millions of critiquing eyes just waiting for an opportunity to either uplift or dissect her through unwarranted commentary.
Many in her position wouldn’t be able to take that kind of pressure. But Chlöe is handling it with grace. “I feel like all of us as humans, we have the right to interpret things how we want,” she says. “I put art out into the world and it's up for interpretation. I'm learning that not everyone is going to always like me and that it's okay.”
Chlöe isn’t the first artist to receive criticism for her carnal content, and she certainly won’t be the last. In 2010, Ciara writhed and rode her way to banishment on BET when the then 24-year-old released her video for “Ride.” In 2006, 25-year-old Beyoncé received backlash for “Déjà Vu."
"I put art out into the world and it's up for interpretation. I'm learning that not everyone is going to always like me and that it's okay.”
So much so that over 5,000 fans signed an online petition demanding that her label re-shoot the video because it was “too sexual.” Even 27-year-old Janet didn’t escape critical headlines when she shed her image of innocence for a more risqué appearance with the 1993 release of janet.
It’s almost as if public reproach is a rite of passage for young Black women R&B singers on the road to stardom. Good girls seemingly “go bad” whenever they embrace the depths of their femininity, and fans only like you on top figuratively. But Chlöe has learned not to bow down to other people’s opinions, but to boss up and control the narrative. As the saying goes, well-behaved women seldom make history. If sex appeal is her weapon, she wields it well.
On set, Chlöe exudes the energy of Aphrodite in an apple red, off-shoulder dress with a sexy high split. In between shots, she mouths the lyrics to Yebba’s “Boomerang” as it echoes throughout the space in steady repetition at my recommendation. The hour grows late, yet Chlöe is heating things up as eyes stare in deep mesmerization of the girl on fire.
Credit: Derek Blanks
Through music, she explores the depths of her being, a journey that seems to be, at its foundation, rooted in self-discovery. Whereas their debut album The Kids Are Alright (2018) boasts a young Chloe x Halle empowering their generation to embrace who they are while finding their place in the world, their second album Ungodly Hour (2020) shows the Bailey sisters shedding the veil of innocence for a more unapologetic bravado.
What fans looked forward to seeing is who Chlöe shows herself to be on her debut solo album In Pieces. In an interview with PEOPLE, she confesses that releasing her first project without her sister was “scary.” "It was a moment of self-doubt where I was like, 'Can I do this without my sister?’”
Chlöe has never been shy about sharing her insecurities or her vulnerabilities, all of which are laced throughout the 14-track album. “I want people to have fun when they listen to it and to just realize that they're not alone and it's okay to be vulnerable and raw and open because none of us are perfect; we're all far from it. And I think it's healing when we all admit to that instead of putting up a facade.”
The gift of time has given the self-professed “big lover girl” more encounters with romance and heartbreak. Love songs once sung for their beautiful riffs and melodies become more than just abstract lyrics and are replaced by real-life experiences, which she tells me is definitely in the music.
In her single “Pray It Away,” for example, she contemplates going to God for healing instead of going at her ex-lover for revenge for his infidelities. “With anything dealing with art, I am completely vulnerable,” she says. “I'm completely myself, I'm completely open and transparent. So it's pretty much all of me and who I am right now.”
Has Chlöe been in love? That still remains to be said. Of course, she’s been linked to a few potential baes, but dating in the digital age isn’t as easy as a double tap or drop of a heart-eyes emoji. It requires a level of trust and vulnerability that’s hard to earn, and easy to mishandle. To let her guard down means to potentially set herself up for disappointment. “It’s difficult dating right now, honestly, because you really have to kind of keep your guard up and pay attention to who's really there for you. And you know, I'm such an affectionate person and I love hard.
"So when I meet the one person that I really, really am into, it's hard for me to see any others and I get attached pretty easily. And you know, I don't know, it's…it's a scary thing.”
Credit: Derek Blanks
“With anything dealing with art, I am completely vulnerable. I'm completely myself, I'm completely open and transparent. So it's pretty much all of me and who I am right now.”
While broken hearts yield good music (queue Adele), what’s in Chlöe’s prayer is the desire to be happy. What does that look like? Well, she’s still figuring that out herself. “Honestly, I'm the type of person who I don't truly learn unless I experience it. So it's like I can view and watch my parents and watch the loving relationships that I see in my life and be like, ‘Oh, I want that. I would love to have that.’ But then I also have to experience [love] on my own and see what my flaws or my faults might be or see what my good things about myself are. I feel like it's really all about self-reflection. And even though our base is our family and that's our foundation, we are still our own individuals and we have to find out specifically the things about ourselves that may be different from what we saw from our parents when we were growing up.”
Her ideal beau, she tells me, is someone she can feel safe to be her fun, goofy self with, but who also gives her the space to be the boss chick chasing her dreams. A man who understands that just because the world compliments her doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to hear those words from his lips or feel it in his touch. A bonus if he shows up on set after a long hard day of work with vegan cinnamon rolls. You know, the basic necessities. “I like whoever I'm with to constantly tell me they love me and that I look beautiful because I do the same. I am a very mushy person, and if I see something or you look good, I will never shy away from saying it out loud. And I want whoever I'm with to do the same, be very vocal. Tell me that you love me. Tell me what you love about me because I'm doing the same for you because that's just the person I am.”
Until she meets her match she’s married to the game, and for now, that seems to be perfect matrimony.
Credit: Derek Blanks
On stage at the 2021 American Music Awards, Chlöe solidified her position as a force to be reckoned with. It was a full-circle moment. In 2012, bright-eyed and baby-faced Chloe and Halle would walk onto the set of The Ellen Degeneres Show and blow the audience away as they bellowed out their future mentor’s song. Ellen would present the sisters with tickets to attend the AMAs, assuring them that they would be back and had a promising future. Nine years later, Chlöe descends from the sky cloaked in a snow-white cape and matching midriff-baring bodysuit for her debut performance. It’s the first time she’s graced the stage of the very award show that she was once an audience member of.
As she shakes and shimmies and boom kack kacks out her eight counts, it’s clear that she’s in her element. Just like her VMA performance a couple of months prior, and the many more stages she’ll continue to grace, she brings an energy that has earned her comparisons to the beloved Queen Bey herself. An honorable statement, considering few R&B songstresses are getting accolades for their entertainment capabilities. It’s on these very stages, in front of hundreds of astonished eyes and millions more glued to their televisions at home, that she tells me she feels most sexy. Powerful, even.
But off stage, it’s a different story.
It’s more than just the commentary about her image and media-flamed rumors that get to her. Mentally, she’s in competition with herself. The desire to be the best burns at the back of her mind with every performance, every production, and every time she steps into the booth. Before, she could share the weight of this burden with her sister. Being a part of a duo meant she could turn to Halle for quiet confirmation and encouragement without a word being exchanged. But lately stepping on the stage means stepping out on her own. And despite being a breathtaking, five-time Grammy-nominated star, Chlöe doesn’t escape the reality that sometimes we can be our own worst critics.
Over the last year, she’s been coming to terms with who she is on her own while overcoming the fear of failing to become who she’s destined to be. While the world waits to see how Chlöe wins, the real triumph is in every day that she chooses herself and continues to walk in her purpose. “I don't really have anything all figured out, honestly. But what I try to do, a lot of prayer. I talk to God more and I just try to do things that calm my mind down and just breathe.”
To whom much is given, much will be required. She’s been chosen to walk this path for a reason. Once she fully embraces that everything she’s meant to be is already inside of her, she’ll be an unstoppable force. “My grandma, Elizabeth, she just passed away and my middle name is her [first] name. So I feel like I truly have a responsibility to live up to her legacy that she's left on this earth. I hope I can do that.”
There’s no doubt that she will. With a role in The Fighting Temptations at three years old, a million-dollar record deal, a main role on five seasons of Grown-ish, five Grammy nominations, a number one solo record in Urban and Rhythmic Radio, a debut solo album, and starring roles in recently released movies Praise Thisand Swarm (just to name a few), Chlöe’s certainly already made her mark, and she’s just getting started.
Photographer & Creative Director: Derek Blanks
Executive Producer: Necole Kane
Co-Executive Producer: EJ Jamele
Producer: Erica Turnbull
Digitech: Chris Keller
DP: Alex Nikishin
Gaffer: Simeon Mihaylov
Photo Assistant: Chris Paschal
2nd Photo Assistant: Tyler Umprey
Features Editor: Kiah McBride
Special Projects: Tyeal Howell
Hair: Malcolm Marquez
Makeup: Yolonda Frederick
Fashion Styling: Ashley Sean Thomas
For More: Cover Story: Issa Rae Comes Full Circle
More Women Are Taking The 'Girlfriend' Title & Exclusivity Off The Table In Dating — Here's Why
Nearly a decade ago, Chris Rock famously coined the phrase, "Men are only as faithful as their options." And as if to be a vexing prophecy, the concept provokes an all too familiar frustration within the dating scene to this day: havingtoo many headaches and not enough options.
Ask any single woman in their mid-twenties or early thirties navigating the trenches of their love life, and you’ll be met with the disappointments of failed situationships and lack of commitment. While on the other end, men seem to freely date a roster of quality women without a single care about the emotional rubble they leave behind.
It begs the question of whether men have known all this time that finding “the one” all comes down to a numbers game.
Felicia Gloria, a social commentator and YouTuber from Toronto, Canada, thinks so.
After a breakup with her long-term boyfriend and a few years of dating in her late twenties, Felicia came to the realization that the system of modern dating was no longer serving her. “I was meeting guys who would be interested in me initially, we’d date for a while, and it wouldn't go anywhere,” she tells xoNecole. “I was just sick of becoming attached to these men and then going through the pain of breaking up.”
The cycle of micro-breakups caused her to alter her approach to dating, one that was rid of emotional attachment, fantasy, and aimless hookups — a method she calls “rotational dating.”
"Rotational dating is when you don't date one person at a time. You date multiple people until someone gives you what it is that you are looking for," she explains. While every woman's end goal in dating may differ from babies to boyfriends and bills being paid, Felicia's happy ending starts with a ring.
Meaning, the 'girlfriend' title is off the table, there's no exclusivity, and you date multiple men at a time until one promises to have your hand in marriage. "If you do want marriage and you don't want to have your time wasted, there is no reason for you to go through a trial period with a man as a girlfriend," she says.
Radical? Some may believe it to be, but with the state of the dating market being where it stands, a shift could be necessary.
"I feel like traditional dating benefits men more than it benefits women because men are not on the same crunch for time," she shares. "So by them being able to have a girlfriend, they get to have sex, companionship, and all the benefits that they would have in having a wife. Meanwhile, women their age are trying to settle down."
Thomas Barwick/Getty Images
But dating with the intention of marriage isn’t a new concept. Many women find it more beneficial to date with the goal of long-term commitment over short-term gratification. And with this shift in mindset, women could regain a sense of balance so that their romantic life becomes less about how they can find their soulmate in every man they meet and more about vetting suitable partners they’d like to spend the rest of their life with.
“Women have been conditioned and programmed to not do this because it disempowers them. If they had all this power and were engaging with multiple men, it would mean that men would have to step up to win a woman’s attention,” says one TikTok dating coach.
Since rotational dating leads with the intention of receiving a proposal in order to sign on for full exclusivity, it’s normal to find that some men won’t always be enthusiastic to get with the program. But as men naturally fall by the wayside, the ones whose intentions align with yours should then be prioritized.
“The most fundamental thing to vet for is if this person wants to marry you. And the only way to know if a person wants to marry you is if they propose to you, they could say anything. When men love women, they will propose,” Felicia says. “You have to be willing to accept that a lot of guys are going to say ‘no’ to you because of this. And a lot of guys are going to think you're absolutely wretched, and maybe some women will as well.”
While it may seem extreme to make such a drastic shift in your approach to dating, it could be an option that may serve you in your love life if your current approach just isn’t working. When you reach a certain age and stage of life, you begin to reanalyze what’s serving you and where there could be an adjustment. And if your long-term goal is to be married or you just don’t have any more talking stages left in you, could it really hurt to seek a ring over, say… endless coffee dates?
“I think the failure of an engagement is actually a success of rotational dating because it shows that you did what it took to get to that certain point,” Felicia says. “At least you can look at them and say, ‘You know what? It wasn't meant to be, but we gave it our best shot.”
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Featured image by Dean Mitchell/Getty Images