As Told To is a recurring segment on xoNecole where real women are given a platform to tell their stories in first-person narrative as told to a writer.
This is Lindsey Walker's story, as told to Charmin Michelle.
Here I was, walking into the treatment center for the very first time. I was walking as slowly as I could.
The center was unlike anything I could've ever expected, and nothing like what we've seen in the movies. There were so many people there: young, old, some full of joy and hope, others in so much pain you could see it in their eyes. I wondered how everyone had gotten to this point and if it were anything similar to how I had gotten there.
Everything was a blur; I was terrified of what my life was. Or wasn't.
I remember how welcoming the nursing staff and my oncology team were. They were warm and kind, truly concerned about my well-being. They tried their best to prepare me for what was coming my way, but there was nothing they could've said to ease me into the experience to be honest. It all happened so fast...
The Arrival of Cancer
One random day I was on the phone with my friend when suddenly, my breathing was out of sync. I told her something was wrong and that I was having difficulty breathing at all. I hadn't been feeling my best up to this moment and I had been running fevers for an entire week, so she urged me to go the hospital. I immediately called my mom and asked her to take me to the emergency room.
While we were there, they did X-rays on my chest and found a mass sitting directly in front of my heart, which was why I was having trouble breathing. The doctors decided to admit me.
Huh? Admit me?
A mass?
What does that mean?
The next day, the doctors came in to my room and asked me a series of questions. They then decided to do a biopsy to determine a clearer understanding as to what the mass was. Before I knew it, I was being whisked away and prepped for surgery, scared out of my mind. I woke up with a chest tube in my side and I had to do breathing exercises. After about a week, they let me go home as we awaited the results of the biopsy. A few days later, I started running fevers again and had to go back to the hospital and one of the doctors demanded to see my tests. By this time, they had me on the "Unknown Floor"—meaning they didn't know what my diagnosis was.
I was laying in the hospital bed when one of the doctors came in to tell me that I'd been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The exact date was July 3, 2018. I later found out that it was in Stage IV.
Growing up, I could have never imagined this would be something I would have to battle through, although this wasn't the first experience with complications. Raised by my mother, grandmother and great aunts as an only child, I was born severely premature (my mother had me at 23 weeks), so my family was quite overprotective of me as a child.
So, when I was formally diagnosed, it took me a while to process any emotions, thoughts, and optimism—even with all that I had dealt with in the past.
Chemotherapy is...Hell.
My world transformed into a dream that I just couldn't seem to wake up from. I immediately thought about the fact that I was 27 years old, single, with no children. I wondered what was going to happen to me.
Would I ever be married? Would I have the opportunity to have children?
I thought about everything that I always wanted to do, but hadn't done yet. I thought about my family, my friends. I wondered why God allowed this to happen to me.
Where did I go wrong? Why me?
I wasn't angry at God. I was just hurt and confused. How could I allow my life to get to this point? I felt betrayed. I betrayed myself. I didn't take care of my health as much as I should have, and I allowed myself to be put on the back burner for the sake of my friends and family. I should have been more selfish. But even in the midst of this life-altering situation, I knew that if I was going to make it through, I needed Him by my side—now more than ever.
As I heard the doctor mention chemotherapy as a treatment option, that was the first time my diagnosis hit me, and the first time I cried because of it.
Mainly because I was so against chemotherapy from the start. The day I was diagnosed, my mother and I had a full-blown argument because I didn't want to do chemo, I wanted to heal naturally. She told me that it wasn't an option or up for discussion. She told me that I had to do it. I knew this was real and it wasn't going away on its own or just because I wanted it to.
So, I won't say that I chose chemotherapy—it was chosen for me.
But I am so grateful that my family loved me enough to fight for me when I didn't have the understanding and capacity to make the right decision for myself.
Anyway. Listen guys: to be completely honest, chemotherapy is pure hell. I was stuck with needles multiple times, I sat in pods for hours, uncomfortable and in so much pain. One of the meds that I had to take burned internally as soon as it entered the bloodstream. I experienced various side effects, including mouth sores and a blood clot that hit me so hard I could barely walk.
I learned to prepare my mind for each visit after a while. I would make sure I drank plenty of water so that I could avoid getting stuck more. I would listen to sermons for moral support—it was still tough. But not tougher than me. After twelve chemo rounds, my cancer disappeared.
Ladies, I was cancer-free!
Lindsey Walker
Image via Ashlee Nicole/Artistry Studios
Life as a Survivor
One day, while undergoing treatment, I decided to look up the definition of "cancer". The Greek version literally means "burden." At the time, I'm not sure that I knew that, but I knew that at the same time. I had been carrying the weight of perfection and trying to please other people so much to the point that my burden manifested itself. Even prior to my diagnosis, I was hurting from the pains of my past. And it took my diagnosis to wake me up to that so that I could finally release the things that tried to paralyze me spiritually, mentally and emotionally.
You see, before I had cancer, I didn't think to define it. To me, cancer was just a really bad thing that sometimes good people have to go through. But my diagnosis forced me to look at life in a deeper way; such as the way I treated myself, or how I allowed myself to be treated.
So, this particular “burden” taught me lessons that paralleled everything I ever thought I knew.
On another note, there's so much to be said about our healthcare system today, especially given the current climate. I think more patients need to learn to advocate for themselves concerning their treatment plans, how they are cared for in hospitals, etc. Hospitals must realize that patients are more than just a number, they are people with families and feelings.
Don't be afraid to speak up for yourself, if you feel that something is wrong, despite the doctors orders, say something. And say something yesterday. It can make all the difference in the world. It could save your life.
As for me, I learned to listen to myself and my body. I learned to put myself first and care less about what others had to say about me, my life and my decisions. I learned to love myself for who I am and be gracious to myself. I'd spent most of my life trying to fit into this box that I was never meant to fit in the first place. I learned to give myself permission to be whoever I needed to be for me.
And I learned that I, Lindsey Walker, can defeat all of my burdens. Even if it's cancer.
For more of Lindsey, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image courtesy of Lindsey Walker
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These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
GiphyOkay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
Giphy1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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