Bey stole my look!
Let me take that back right now before the hive comes a-swarming. No, Beyonce did not steal my look, but it just so happens that I was caught up in one of the most amazing "bish stole my look!" moments; one that I won't ever forget!
It was brought to my attention recently that Queen Bey and I have much more in common than keeping hot sauce in our bags, knowing that girls do in fact run the world and, yes, and realizing that the best revenge is in fact that paper! It seems Beyonce and I are sisters in fashion who love a dramatic-ass, extra-ass, sexy-ass freak 'em dress; so much so that we wore the exact same wedding gown...kind of!
Writer Ianthia Smith wearing her dream wedding dressNDO Films and Photography
After Beyonce released her Netflix special Homecoming, in which she blessed us with some never-before-seen photos of her family, including a less than two-second glimpse of the dress she wore during her June 2018 vow renewal to husband Jay-Z. It seemed like everyone was typing "Beyonce vow renewal dress" in their browsers and the photos went viral.
I'd not so long shared the story of my wedding day; inclusive of my dress woes (my designer dumped me six weeks before my big day!) on my own blog, so the photos of my wedding look was still fresh in people's minds. This explains why I woke up to literally hundreds of mentions and tags and retweets from friends and family and anyone who knew; everyone wanted to let me know that "Beyonce has on your wedding dress!"
Where It All Began
Dress shopping for my wedding was an insane experience. It came with all of the highs and lows you've seen in the movies. I'd been Googling and searching and looking for my dress, for what seems like months when one day, I came across the Galia Lahav "Thelma" gown and immediately fell in love!
The romantic Victorian-styled gown features billowing sleeves, a mermaid fit, off-the-shoulder deliciousness, a dramatic bustle and these elongated thigh cut-outs that added the "well damn" to the dress. The gown is a beauty and tells a story all its own. I screenshotted, downloaded, dreamed about and fawned over this dress for weeks! I needed to have it!
Well, just my luck, every bridal store I contacted looking to try on Thelma only had the dress during their trunk shows and my travel schedules never lined up for me to fit my dream gown. This is when I contacted a designer to make my very own custom version; but weeks before the big day, he bailed and was like, "Issa no for me. I'm out!" Sis, let me tell you; my wedding dress dreams came crashing down and I frantically searched for a dress; any dress. I was so bummed out, I was willing to get any dress that was available and within budget. But Thelma haunted me. I needed her.
Bey Stole My Look
Beyonce wearing Gaila Lahav during her vow renewal in 'Homecoming'
During one of my wee-hours-of-the-morning Internet searches, my blurry eyes came across a very blurred photo of Thelma. It was a photo of Beyonce; wearing the dress.
The photo was shared during a montage during her On The Run Tour II concert. The photo I saw only showed her from mid-chest up, giving just a peek at the dress. To some, she was just wearing a white dress; to me...she was wearing my dress! I'd soaked this gown so deeply into my memory that I could spot it a mile away.
Honestly, I wanted to cry! It was now four weeks before my wedding and just like many other brides, I wanted that element of surprise. I didn't want to see my wedding dress plastered all over the Internet before I actually got a chance to wear it; especially not by Beyonce! I mean come on, who wants to get on stage after Beyonce performs?
Was she going to share more photos? Was she going to post a full shot of the dress? Was she going to steal my thunder? Call me crazy, but these were my exact thoughts. I called my sister in a frenzy and screamed, "Beyonce has on my dress!" We were both fearful that the woman who has the ability to command the world's attention would quadruple my dress stress with just one little post on Instagram.
Since we weren't so sure what Beyonce would do, we figured if she did share the photos, we had two options: be sad over something we couldn't control anyway or turn this experience into one hell of a "I got married in Beyonce's wedding dress" story.
And here we are!
The Ultimate Happy Ending
Writer Ianthia Smith in her wedding dress
I eventually found another dress designer who finally brought my dreams to life. In between stalking Bey's Instagram to see if she'd posted any of the pics (thankfully she didn't); we fitted, cut, sewed and embellished my own customized gown to the gawds! I had a mini heart attack with each button being placed, every piece of lace being laid and with every fitting.
On August 18, 2018, after one hell of a rollercoaster ride, I finally walked down the aisle in the perfect wedding dress, handmade for me.
Almost nine months later when my phone was blowing up with the "Beyonce stole your look" messages, I was smiling on the inside knowing that I'd figured this out long ago.
It weirdly and funnily felt like a little secret Bey and I were keeping. She waited on me, in my head; only sharing those photos of our dress months after I got married.
I gushed at how beautiful she looked in her dress, wondering if we shared the same overwhelming feeling of saying yes to the dress, as she fit. Of course, I don't have a Beyonce-sized budget; if I did, I would've flown that elusive gown directly to me.
But I'm so happy I was able to wrangle a team of amazing people who were able to customize, recreate and deliver the dress of my dreams, despite it all.
Whew, chile, a blessing.
In the past, I've been made to question the Queen's timing; you know how she does it with her in the middle of the night releases, having us waiting up 'till 3:00 a.m. while I'm falling asleep on my laptop. Girl, after this experience I shall never question this diva's timeline ever again. This time it worked in my favor. Bow down!
Credits:
Photos: NDO Films and Photography
Dress Designer: Apryl Jasmine
Makeup Artist: Regina McCook
Hair Stylist: Salon Sade International
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Sooo...Do You Want A Marriage? Or Just A Wedding?
Everything We Learned From Beyonce's 'Homecoming'
5 Steps To A Frugal Wedding On A Budget
Two Years After Their Break Up, This Couple Said 'I Do'
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As a writer who really pays attention to word meanings, something that can be a bit frustrating about our culture is the fact that based on whatever is popular at the time, folks will just up and change the original definitions of words to suit a particular agenda or whim — and the word “platonic” 1000 percent fits into this category. And perhaps that’s why we seem to continue to go in circles about whether or not people of the opposite sex can (and should) be friends and what that even can (and should) look like.
Let’s talk about it for a bit. Because as a word-literal type of individual, while again, I absolutely believe that men and women can be friends, at the same time, I think it’s about as rare as a red diamond to truly find yourself in a friendship that is…platonic.
It’s Time (More) Folks Knew What ‘Platonic’ LITERALLY Means
GiphySo, let’s do first things first — let’s define what it literally means for something to be platonic. If you go to your favorite search engine and put something along the lines of “What does platonic mean?”, the first thing that you’re (probably) going to see is a ton of dictionary definitions that say something along the lines of “of, relating to, or being a relationship marked by the absence of romance or sex” (Merriam-Webster), “designating or of a relationship, or love, between a man and a woman that is purely spiritual or intellectual and without sexual activity” (Your Dictionary) and, my personal favorite, “purely spiritual; free from sensual desire, especially in a relationship between two persons of different sexes” (Dictionary). Yeah, bookmark that last one; I’ll be circling back.
Keeping this in mind (and please do), where does the word “platonic” actually come from? From what I’ve researched, the philosopher Plato once penned something entitled “Symposium.” In it, he addressed the topic of two people sharing the kind of love that is free of any type of sensual desire; one that is based on divine love alone. An author from the 1800s broke it down this way: “Platonic love meant ideal sympathy; it now means the love of a sentimental young gentleman for a woman he cannot or will not marry.” A write-up on Merriam-Webster’s site stated that, “The term platonic was initially used to mock non-sexual relationships, as it was considered ridiculous to separate love and sex, but eventually this connotation faded away leaving us with today's notion of close friendships.” Yeah, we used to live in a culture where love and sex were not separated. Hmph, that’s another article for another time, though (check out “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'”).
Anyway, as with many things (especially in our culture), the word “platonic” is kind of used in “broad strokes” these days (bromances, female friendships, etc.). However, because there continues to be this forever discussion — and oftentimes debate — about whether or not men and women can be “just friends,” I’m going to tackle this topic strictly from that angle — from the place where platonic actually originated.
You ready?
Yes, Men and Women Can Be Just Friends. But…
GiphyAt this stage in my life, I’m pretty sure that I have more male friends than female ones. There are layers of reasons why, yet I think a huge one is because I like the balance that masculinity brings to my femininity (especially as I'm learning to embrace different aspects of my femininity, intentionally, even more). And while every single one of my male friends is respectful and is a super safe space in my world on every single level that I can imagine (and have been for years now), there are probably only a couple who I would say 100 percent qualify as being…trulyplatonic.
Why would I say that? Well, I’ll illustrate this point with something that one of my male friends once said to me. He’s super cute. He can sing his ass off (and definitely has one of my favorite speaking voices). People see us out together often and some have told us that they assume that we’ve had something going on at some point. Anyway, after hearing someone share their theory about us, I told it to him.
Me: “I told him, ‘He’s my brother. We would never mess around.'”
My Friend: “Correction, you are like a sister. You are not my sister, though. Under the right conditions, you could still get it.”
When I shared that exchange with another male friend of mine, he basically cosigned on the sentiment: “Shellie, I have never approached you like that because I really respect you. I want to be good for you for the rest of our lives.” (That reminds me: check out, “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” when you get a chance.)
Then I went to one more guy homie and ran both statements by him: “Girl, yeah. If I didn’t want to keep you in my life long-term, I would’ve tried to holla a long time ago!” And he and I have been friends for almost 20 years at this point. When did he get around to telling me this? Eh, maybe two years ago. LOL.
So, my takeaway from all of these “for real?!” exchanges is, even though men and women can be just friends, there is a certain level of intention, self-control, and ability to see into the future (on some level) that must go into account — because, just because something more-than-friends-like may not have gone down, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a “dormant seed” lying around somewhere…whether it’s one-sided or on both sides of the friendship dynamic.
As you can see, I just provided you with three instances where the male friends in my life, we’ve had nothing sexual or even physically intimate beyond a hug when we greet each other in nature — although things aren’t exactly platonic if there is some sort of attraction or sexual/romantic curiosity that simply never got explored. Because again, according to Plato, a platonic relationship is free from all of that kind of…tension — or possibilities. Zero. Nada. Zilch.
And now you probably get why I entitled this article in the way that I did…right? I mean, just think about it — out of your male friendships, where is there NO sensual desire or dormant romantic interest…on your side and/or on his? If you’re not sure about “his”…have you ever asked him? Or them? Because again, once I really let the definition of platonic sink in, I think maybe two guys in my life totally fit the bill.
This brings me to my next point.
Are You Platonic? Or Are You Friend-Zoning?
GiphyNow that you know that probably 70 percent of the people you know (both online and off) have been using the true meaning of platonic all the way wrong, let’s go about deeper: when it comes to your friendships with men, are they genuinely platonic or…is it more like you’re friend-zoning them?
A few years ago, I penned an article on the topic entitled, “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.” If you’re skimming this on your lunch break, I’ll summarize friend-zoning as knowing that a guy has so-much-more-than-platonic feelings for you yet because you basically want to keep the benefits of the friendship or even his emotions around, you will string him along on some level.
Personally, I can’t stand friend-zoning. I think it’s selfish, with some sprinkles of manipulation and wasting someone’s time. Don’t agree? How would you feel if a guy was friend-zoning you? (Yeah…exactly.)
This all needs to go on record because, knowing that a guy wants to “take it there” with you (whether sexually or romantically), you not full-on addressing it and/or giving him just enough hope to take you out, listen to all of your stories about other men and give you the attention that you need knowing that he doesn’t have a shot in hell — that is NOT a platonic friendship and honestly, you’re not being a good friend at all. Friends protect each other’s hearts, not abuse them.
A platonic friendship means that you both have no interest in each other and, as Plato put it, while you may have a strong and solid bond, it’s spiritual love that connects you. And what exactly does that mean? Spiritual love also deserves its own article yet the gist would be that you recognize there is a purpose in your friendship yet it’s about wanting what’s best for one another and even helping each other to get there.
For instance, a platonic friend of yours may know that you desire to be married one day, so he has no problem setting you up with a good guy in his life. And if things go well, he would have no problem standing up as your own best man (without feeling like he’s dying inside) because he never saw you beyond anything but a friend. A guy in the friend zone doesn’t move like this; he likes you too much to help you move on with someone else. See the difference?
Why Relationships Should Start Off As NON-PLATONIC Friendships
GiphyBefore I end this with some tips on how to properly care for the few platonic friendships you may actually have, since the use of the word may require a bit of mental reprogramming, I do think we should also address that if you’ve got a good guy in your life, who right now is a friend and either you’ve never thought of him in that way or the topic has never come up — he’s someone that you may not want to brush off.
What I mean by that is, it’s one thing for there to be absolutely no interest in someone vs. never considering it before — and the reason why you might want to give it some thought is because, ask any healthy married couple who’s been together for more than five years and I’ll bet you my next rent check that they will say that the best relationships are birthed out of friendship (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”).
Yeah, just because you’ve filed someone in the “I see him as a good guy” category, that doesn’t automatically mean that y’all’s friendship is platonic. For instance, I have a male friend who is fine and I adore on many levels yet the reason why it would never work on my end is because there are certain relational standards that I have that he does not meet. However, don’t get it twisted — I’ve considered him because, on so many levels, we “fit.” So, the mere fact that I ever seriously thought about him on that level means that we are “good friends” yet it’s not exactly platonic.
I’m not free of potential sensual desire…I just choose not to act on it. Yet because I get the value of having friendship as the foundation for my own future marriage (should life play out that way), I am wise enough to know that I would’ve been a fool to not at least…ponder him and the possibilities.
So yeah, if there is a male friend in your life that the thought of dating or having sex with him doesn’t make you want to throw up in your mouth, there’s a pretty good chance that it’s not a classic platonic dynamic — and you might want to consider if it could/should go to the next level — if not immediately, eventually. Because there’s a pretty good chance that if you are thinking that way, he probably is as well.
Protect Your Genuine Platonic Friendship(s) At All Costs
GiphyLet me end this with how one of my platonic friendships rolls. We both think that the other is attractive yet neither of us is attracted. We both give each other opposite-sex insights. We both have said that the mere thought of dating each other makes our noses turn up like there’s an odor in the air. And even when I try to imagine us together, my mind goes blank. I love, love, LOVE this man — oh, but it is absolutely nothing more than platonic — and he feels the same way. It’s as close to familial love without being blood relationships. It’s a rare dynamic and that is what makes it so special. There is definitely a spiritual type of love there; no more, no less.
If you’ve got someone in your life who you feel the same way about (again, it’s got to be mutual; he must feel that way too), you’ve got a gem of a situation going on because there is nothing like having the kind of friendship where you and a guy can hang out, exchange perspectives and thoroughly enjoy each other’s company, knowing that’s all it is and will ever be. Things will never get weird. No one’s feelings are gonna get hurt (from the whole friend-zoning thing). You don’t have to walk on eggshells. You can just be.
And that’s why I’m all for platonic friendships. And listen, if you’re blessed enough to have even one in your lifetime, be fiercely protective of it. Don’t take it for granted. Nurture it in a way that your male friend needs (because it probably won’t be the exact same as your female friendships). Y’all, platonic friendships are so bomb because, if it’s honored and protected correctly, it’s the one male friend that you can probably keep for life because even your romantic partner will not find it to be a (true) threat — hell, they honestly could probably end up becoming (some level of) friends with your platonic homie as well.
______
I hope that I broke this all down enough to where, when you decide to use a word to describe your opposite-sex friendships, perhaps you will pause and ask yourself, “Wait, is this a platonic friend or a good or close friend?” Because the clearer you are on the differences, the easier it will be to know how to maintain your friendship — and feel about your friend. Feel me? Cool.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images
