How To Tell Your Partner Your Sexual Needs Aren't Being Met
If you're a diehard Girlfriends fan, you probably remember the episode when Joan had sex with her boyfriend Sean for the first time. Although she wasn't all that thrilled about him being a sex addict, what she didn't see coming was that he was going to totally suck—and not in the good way—in bed. Ugh. He ended up being one of those bang-bang-bang brothas and while luckily, those have been far and few between experiences for me personally, unfortunately I can recall what that kind of selfish, immature and egomaniacal sex is like. It's the worst…the absolute worst.
Anyway, a part of what made Girlfriends such a great sitcom is the writing was so much like real life. And believe you me, there have been countless conversations that I've had with people who love—or at least really like—their partner, but when it comes to loving (or even really liking) the sex…they can think about at least two dozen other things that they'd rather be doing. That's sad. Tragic, even.
Personally, I think that good sex consists of great communication. That's why, when someone is sexually dissatisfied, I don't encourage or support faking orgasms (more on that in a bit), only venting to their friends and/or quietly resenting their partner (or cheating). Sex is too good to not be out here enjoying it to the fullest, but there is a better way to go about getting what you want (and need). If you are sexually dissatisfied, here's how I advise handling the matter.
Do It Outside of the Bedroom
They say that timing is everything. You know what else is pretty important? Environment. Oh, and implementing the Golden Rule while you're in it. When it comes to having a sexually dissatisfied chat, think how you would feel if, while you were in the bed, giving your all to your partner, he paused, looked at you, sighed and then said, "Yeeeah, I'm not really feeling this. I haven't been for a while now." Talk about embarrassment. Talk about slight trauma. Talk about either being "afraid" to have sex with him again or not wanting to be in a relationship with him, period.
Does this mean that I'm encouraging you to grin and bear bad sex?? Absolutely not. But it is important to avoid having the convo in the very spot where all of the magic happens. Instead, do it on neutral territory like the living room or kitchen. Or even better, while taking a walk together outside of the home. That way, the conversation won't have to be associated with any area where the two of you regularly hang out—or are intimate.
Speak in Specifics
"Bad in bed". What does that even mean? I mean, we all get that bad is, well, bad, but what makes it that way for you? Is he a selfish lover? Is he a minute man? Is he a bang-bang-bang kind of dude? I'll tell you what, if there's one thing that constantly comes up in my sessions with couples, it's that a lot of women want their man to read their mind and a lot of men want their women to be specific when it comes to what it is that they are trying to say.
That's why, it's also a good idea that, before you embark on having this kind of conversation, that you spend some time alone so that you can figure out exactly what it is that you are so displeased with. He can't read your mind. He also can't change what you don't clearly (and lovingly) articulate.
Avoid Making Comparisons
Mama told us to think before we speak; I've got a great example of why we should take her advice. The first time I had sex with a particular partner, right when he pulled his pants down, my initial response was, "That's it?!" Le sigh. I didn't say it in my head either. He heard me. I didn't mean for him too…it's just that—peep this—in comparison to some of my other partners, let's just say that he wasn't what I was accustomed to.
That's kind of my point. As you're in the middle of processing how sexually dissatisfied you are with your partner, be honest about what it's really all about. Is it based on what he's not doing, or is it that he's not doing what ole' boy from before used to do? You've got to always keep in mind that, even when it comes to sex, no two partners or experiences are exactly alike. If you're not mentally and emotionally processing this fact, it might not be that your partner isn't holdin' it down. It actually may be that you are still caught up in your ex (or a few of your exes).
By the way, that guy that I just mentioned? It's some of the best sex I've ever had. Sometimes the best things don't come in the biggest packages. Words to live by.
Avoid Any Passive Aggressive Behavior Too
When it comes to addressing issues, I'm definitely more aggressive than passive aggressive. That's probably why passive aggressive people get on my last nerve. How can you know if you are a passive aggressive type of person? If you make backhanded compliments ("I mean, you were much better tonight than you usually are."). If you use sarcasm to get a point across ("Oh, I'm the one who needs to be more spontaneous? Yeah, that sounds about right."). If you say nothing after sex but, instead, give your partner the silent treatment and then roll over and go to sleep. Or worse, when your partner asks you if anything is wrong, you shrug and say "nothing" when, clearly, it's something. Another example of being passive aggressive is when you downplay your needs and say something along the lines of, "I know this is probably going to sound petty but…" Hmph, now that I think about it, a cryptic form of being passive aggressive is faking orgasms. You're acting like you're satisfied when you're not. And if you do that often, it's only going to lead to resentment.
From what I've read, a past history of childhood abuse, harsh punishment or neglect, or even low self-esteem can be what causes someone to deal with others in a passive aggressive kind of way. Problem is, it's a really ineffective and counterproductive form of communication because it requires others to have to try and read between the lines or play mind games with you.
Good sex is all about healthy communication. If you want your sex life to get better, being passive aggressive is not what's going to get you there.
Be What You Desire
One time, while sitting in a session with a couple, the husband brought up that although fellatio is important to him—like really, really important to him—he was getting irritated because his wife was pretty bad at it. While he was in the midst of breaking down the particulars—her not acting enthused, teeth getting in the way, rushing, etc.—I noticed that his wife was hemming and hawing and rolling her eyes. When I asked her if she was irritated, embarrassed or both, she blurted out, "Maybe if you went down on me every once in a while, a sistah could get more excited about giving you some head." I mean and I'm sayin'.
I have sat in enough sessions with couples to definitely vouch for the fact that some folks are sexually dissatisfied because, contrary to what their ego may be telling them, they aren't exactly doing what makes their partner climb the walls either. One of the main reasons why is due to their own selfishness—wanting to receive what they are not willing to give.
Do you deserve earth-shattering sex? Most definitely. But you are significantly decreasing your chances of experiencing it if you are wanting your partner to do or be what you are not willing to do—or be.
Don’t Harp on It
One more. There are all kinds of ways to have performance anxiety. One way is in the bedroom, and sometimes this happens when a partner is stressed out or anxious. Something that can get your partner there is nagging. I'm not kidding. I actually read an article on a licensed therapist's site that stated that nagging does more damage to a marriage than infidelity or financial challenges. It also said that the ones who are prone to nag are anxious or obsessive types. Who wants to have sex with a jittery person or control freak?!
Rome wasn't built in a day. For many of us, great sex isn't either.
Besides, this ain't a sex scene from your favorite chick flick; this is the real world. If you're diggin' him, there's chemistry and the relationship is going well in every other room of the house, don't assume that things are totally doomed just because you are currently sexually dissatisfied. Sometimes, a part of the fun of sex is figuring things out together. Be patient. Be open. Be creative. Give things a little (more) time. If he values you, he's going to want to please you. He's definitely not gonna wanna leave you out here all…sexually dissatisfied. NOT. AT. ALL.
Feature image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
Wanna Know How To Survive The Awkward 'Growing Out Phase?' Here Ya Go.
If there’s one thing that I’ve pretty much become an expert in without really wanting to be, it’s how to get through certain things when it comes to learning more about natural hair. Take that wretched growing-out phase, for instance. When you’re ready to go from uber short to something that’s, say, past your chin, getting from Point A to Point B can feel like your own personal hell — if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If you’re looking at the monitor (or phone screen) and are aggressively nodding your head up and down because that is exactly where you find yourself these days, help is on the way. I’ve got 12 things that you can do to make growing out your hair not feel like pure torture; things that I can personally vouch for because I’ve tried it and succeeded with each and every one of ‘em.
1. Stop Watching the “Stove”
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Pretty much all of us have heard some elder in our family say that a watched pot never boils water. With the kind of personality I have, I’ve tested that theory (LOL). For me, it’s not watching water heat up that drives me up the wall, it’s opening the oven over and over again while baking something that drives me batty. And here’s the thing — how counterproductive is it to do that anyway, since opening the oven lets heat out, making it even more challenging for whatever is trying to bake…finish?
I’m pretty sure you can see where I am going with this, right? Listen, the reality is that your hair is pretty much only going to grow between ¼” – ½” a month. That’s it. The goal is to do all that you can to retain the length as it comes in. So, if you’re about to embark on growing your hair out and you think that playing a game of stare-down with it is going to accomplish something — all that’s gonna do is piss you off, and stress does nothing helpful when you’re trying to have healthy hair. Stop watching the stove, sis. Stop watching the freakin’ stove.
2. Do Consistent Scalp Massages
The reason why I’ve pitched and written articles about scalp care (check out “10 Things Your Scalp Has BEEN Waiting For You To Do” and “Treat Your Scalp To A Little Bit Of Detoxing This Weekend”) is because, I basically had to learn the hard way that, since my scalp is my hair’s foundation, I need to be uber proactive about taking good care of it. One way to do that is by giving it weekly massages.
Scalp massages increase blood flow to your hair follicles, help to strengthen and even thicken your hair strands, and lower stress and anxiety levels (including stressing over growing out your hair). And since stress is directly linked to hair loss and gray hair, the more scalp massages, the better, chile.
Some quick tips on how to massage your scalp properly and effectively here.
3. Enjoy Protective Styles. Don’t (Solely) Rely on Them, Tho.
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One of my favorite quotes is, “The excess of a virtue is a vice;” I believe that Aristotle originated it. That said, you’ve already peeped the header for this tip, so you already know where I’m going with it, right? As much as I’m a fan of protective hairstyles (check out “This Is Your Summertime Protective Style Cheat Sheet,” “This Is How To Know Your Protective Style Ain't Workin'”) — and wigs qualify, by the way (check out “This Is The Way To Properly Care For Your Hair While Rockin' A Wig”) — I also know that they weren’t supposed to be in our hair for more than 6-8 weeks at a time (tops).
Between the tension of tight braids and twists, our scalp needing some TLC, ends needing to be trimmed, and hair simply needing to REST — whether it’s box braids, crown braids, lace fronts, sew-ins, passion twists, faux locs…whatever you’ve got goin’ on, chile, if your ultimate goal is growth, you can’t be living in a protective style 365 days out of the year. It’s counterproductive at best and damaging at worst. So yeah, find ways to enjoy your hair without constantly relying on protective styling. Sometimes wearing them? Cool. All the time? Not cool.
4. Master How to Naturally Stretch Your Tresses
If your hair is 4-type, congrats! The reason why I say that is because, although you have the tightest curls (which can make it feel like your hair is never growing), you also have the most versatility; especially when it comes to getting through the growing-out phases. Don’t believe me? When you get a chance, go to YouTube and put “stretch 4-type hair” in the search field to have your mind blown (some examples are here, here, and here)!
It really is amazing how many of us can think that, just because our curls aren’t loose, we’re not gaining inches when that typically couldn’t be further from the truth. So, while it really is a good idea to keep hair manipulation down to a minimum, if you want to stretch out your tresses in order to stay motivated, get into braiding, banding, or stretching out your wash ‘n gos AFTER they are dry.
Knowing that there are heatless (meaning less damaging) ways to have longer hair? How liberating is that?
5. Take Wash ‘n Gos Up a Notch
While I was watching a video by a YouTuber by the name of Tiana Michelle talk about how she does her own wash ‘n gos, it reminded me that I need to get more into that (once the weather warms up a bit). If you happen to be on a natural hair journey, wash ‘n goes are great because, not only do they not require a ton of work or upkeep, but they can also teach you how to embrace your hair’s natural curl pattern.
The key is to use the best products — ones that complement your own hair texture. And yes, that can take a bit of trial and error, but it’s ultimately worth it to discover what they are. Some that I know naturalistas are fond of include Camille Rose Naturals Curl Maker, Mielle Organics Pomegranate & Honey Coil Sculpting Custard, tgin Honey Whip Hydrating Mousse, Uncle Funky's Daughter Curly Magic Curl Stimulator, and The Doux Bee Girl Honey Curl Custard.
6. Don’t Let Up on Leave-In Conditioning
You’ve probably heard that one of the reasons why it’s easier for other ethnicities to retain length is because it’s easier for their hair to keep moisture in it. Why? Because when strands are straighter, the natural sebum that flows from our scalp is better able to coat our strands from root to tip.
This means that since our hair has a curlier texture, we have to put a bit more effort into keeping it hydrated; one way to do that is by applying a leave-in conditioner.
What I tend to do is apply one as the final move on wash day and then apply more on the ends of my hair before braiding it up; I will also put some on the tips when I’m wearing my hair out. I’ll admit that it’s also a bit of trial and error to figure out which leave-in works best for you. Two that I like a lot are Mielle’s Pomegranate & Honey Leave-In Conditioner (it’s super light and deeply penetrating at the same time) and a chebe powder butter that I found on Etsy (you can cop it here).
Chebe is an article all on its own. What I’ll say for now is, that if you’re looking for something that will strengthen your hair and help to reduce split ends, it totally has you covered.
7. Use Gentle Color Options ONLY
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Listen, I know from personal experience that while you’re waiting for your hair to reach ear, chin, or shoulder length, it can be super tempting to switch up the color often in order to keep you patient and distracted. While, in theory, that strategy makes a ton of sense, the challenge is that you can end up drying out your hair, which leads to damage that results in breakage or having to cut it — and since your goal right now is to grow your hair out…how counterproductive would that be?
Honestly, the less color that’s in your hair, the better. However, if you must, go with gentle color options ONLY, like henna, hair color wax, or semi or demi-permanent brands. Bottom line, ammonia is never your hair’s friend yet it’s definitely not when you find yourself smack dab and in the middle of the growing out phase.
8. Be Consistent with Bond Building and Thermal Heat Protectant
I’m someone who doesn’t have any chemicals in my hair; however, I do like to wear my tresses stretched out, and so, on wash days, I will blow my hair out and then keep it stretched by braiding it until the next wash day rolls around (which is every 2-3 weeks for me personally). When I’m sure to apply a protein treatment, deep condition, add a bond builder, and a cream-based thermal heat protectant before applying any heat, it’s all good in the hood. When I skip any of this (well, protein treatments get rotated about every 2-3 wash days), all hell breaks loose — quite literally, too. SMDH.
Protein keeps hair stronger. Deep conditioning adds moisture. Okay, but what gets overlooked a lot is the fact that bond building products are great at “filling in the holes” when it comes to the cuticles of your hair. I’ve been using Marc Anthony’s Repairing Leave In Conditioner Treatment, Repair Bond +Rescuplex, for a little over a year now, and it’s one of the best investments that I’ve made for my hair to date.
9. Stay Up on Hair Accessory Trends
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Camouflage. If there’s one thing that has gotten me through my own growing-out phase journey, it’s literal hair camouflage that is otherwise known as hair accessories. That’s actually why hair bonnets in public (yep, I’m THAT girl) irk the mess outta me because there are way too many options out here that look less like “I just rolled outta bed” than that. Turbans, hair wraps, hats, skull caps — the list goes on and on. All of ‘em are super cute and a great way to get through a bad hair day or a day when you’re so sick of waiting on some extra inches that you’re tempted to cut it all off (or all off AGAIN) and start over.
So yeah, definitely see stacking up on some hair accessories as an investment into your long(er) hair goals. Some that will be in style over the next several months include hair ribbons, comb headbands, rhinestone-embellished items, 90s-style hair clips and hair pins, and beanies.
10. Handle Your Hair Like Silk
Silk is both strong and uber fragile at the same time — and that’s basically our hair in a nutshell. That’s why it’s so important to handle your tresses with extreme care, especially when it comes to the oldest parts of your hair, which are your ends. One way to do this is to make sure that you either use your fingers or a detangler brush to style it. Now, I have tried the UNbrush that TikTok was losing their minds about. It’s not half bad. Whatever you do, just don’t be out here ripping through your hair and then wondering why your ends are raggedy. Your hair is silk. Your hair is silk. Your hair, sis…is like fine silk.
11. Expand Your (Big) Earring Collection
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Hey, you think I’m playing, but I’m absolutely serious. Although I am totally Team Style-Your-Hair, I know from my own personal experience and looking at other women, both online and off, that when your earring game is on-point, and you’ve got a colorful lip happening, your hair is probably like the fifth thing (after your eyes, your smile and probably your outfit) that folks are gonna notice. So, if you’re a bit paranoid about how awkward the growing out phase may appear, ramp up your earring collection — the bigger, the better!
By the way, if you consider yourself to be a trendsetter, some popular earring looks for 2024 include chandelier styles, big-ass sparkle hoops, and mismatched earrings (they’re always a lot of fun!). Oh, and statement earrings that are only in one ear (think Janet Jackson when she used to wear one key in one earlobe).
12. LEAVE. THE. SHEARS. ALONE.
I’m pretty sure that a lot of y’all have heard that you should trim your hair every 6-8 weeks. Eh. I think the actual “rule” should be that you trim your ends whenever you need to — and you need to if you notice split ends, fairy knots, your hair tangles easily, you notice that your hair isn’t holding or keeping a style or your ends feel rougher than the rest of your locks do. Other than that, keep the shears out of your hair because if you spend a lot of time trying to make sure that your sides are perfectly even or that no strand is “unruly,” — I can tell you again from very up close and personal experience that you’re not going to see any real progress any time soon.
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Is the growing out phase easy? C’mon, you know better than that. Yet, can you get through it? If you apply these tips, keep your eyes on the prize, and RELAX…you most certainly can. Hit us back with some pics in the comments in six months to prove it, aight? Awesome.
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