The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life
If there is one thing the past several months have taught me, it's that self-awareness is truly life-altering. I say that because, for so many years of my life, whenever relationship challenges would come my way, I'd spend more time trying to figure out the other person more than myself.
But like the French philosopher, Michel de Montaigne once said, "The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself." Indeed. And, if you want to get to the root of your relationship issues, look within…first.
And after going through a series of pretty devastating transitions in some of my relationships, I realized that a part of the reason why I attracted some people who weren't healthy for me — and why letting them go was difficult even though they were toxic — was because I show a lot of signs of being something that, while growing up, I didn't hear a lot about: An empath.
You don't have the time and I don't have enough word count space to get into all of what an empath is, but a bottom line definition is this — empaths are individuals who have an uncanny ability to not only understand other people but can literally feel what they are experiencing too; so much to the point that they are able to mentally and emotionally put themselves in someone else's position, sometimes to their own detriment.
This means that empaths are highly sensitive, extremely discerning, and can oftentimes absorb the emotions of others. Some other traits of an empath include being introverted, a loving nature, preferring to spend time alone, and they can get easily distracted by noises and smells too.
Although in many ways, it's a beautiful thing to be an empath, it does come with its challenges.
Because they are so intuitive, they tend to be targets to energy vampires and narcissists (check out the video "15 Things That Happen When an Empath Loves a Narcissist" when you get a chance). Empaths are also known for giving more than they receive plus, it's very easy for them to get completely overwhelmed in their relationships — almost to the point of caring more about the choices their loved ones are making than their own loved ones do.
Did you just read all of that and have a huge light bulb go off? If so, welcome to the world of being an empath (if you want to double-check, do this self-assessment test). Now that you know why you've been going through some of what you have, as a fellow empath, here are three tips to help you experience less harm and guard yourself better moving forward:
3 Ways To Protect Yourself As An Empath
1.Take Your Time in Relationships.
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The more I've studied about empaths, the more I recognize the importance of taking my time at the beginning of relationships and finding balance once I'm in them, whether it's a professional or personal one.
In the past, because I could sense a lot of what a person was going through or where they were coming from, I would immediately invest my all — time, effort, energy, and even resources — without allowing time to reveal if they were someone that I should get that deeply involved with.
Sometimes you need months — even years — before you can comfortably say "This is someone I trust" or "This is someone I can call a friend." Personal bumps and bruises have taught me that sometimes feeling what a person is going through is not about getting intimately involved so much as offering a word of encouragement, praying for them, or just meeting an immediate need. No more, no less.
(Accepting this alone is a total game-changer!)
2.Recognize Patterns.
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As I'm doing some healing from childhood trauma, I realize that because I am an empath and I didn't make dealing with the PTSD of my childhood and adolescence as much of a priority as I should have, oftentimes I kept re-victimizing myself by choosing my childhood abusers as an adult; only, they were in forms of different people.
Now that I am aware of this, I see that, as an empath, I have a tendency to even want to rationalize my abusers' abuse because I am wired to feel what they feel (deep, right?!). Knowing this helps me to recognize when I'm about to repeat this kind of pattern with other toxic individuals.
For instance, if you do research on narcissists and sociopaths, a lot of them become that way due to their own unresolved childhood stuff. A narcissist and an empath are an intense combo because the narcissist wants to drain the empath of their good qualities, while an empath wants to do whatever they can to make a narcissist better. See what I mean? #breakthepattern
3.Require Reciprocity.
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Not everyone is an empath. That's not a good or bad thing; that's just the way it is. To me, I think empaths are a lot like silk — simultaneously strong and fragile. Because of that, they need the kind of people in their life who will treat them that way.
Something that a strong-yet-fragile individual — an empath — needs is the kind of relationships that will give as much as they take. Since an empath feels so much and their heart is so big, reciprocity cannot be a preference; for the sake of their overall health and well-being, it must be a requirement.
As I've been settling more and more into understanding that while I am an empath, my past relational bumps and bruises have been healing and, it's been quite some time since I've encountered any new ones.
I'm telling you, sometimes, the best way to resolve issues with others is to truly understand yourself. Self-awareness makes this possible. Whether you're an empath — or not.
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- Tips for Sensitive People to Protect Their Energy | Psychology Today ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
What The Holiday Season Can Reveal About Your Relationship
Ah yes. The holiday season. As far as (romantic) relationships go, it’s the time of year when people get engaged the most. Interestingly enough, because a lot of people don’t like to “rock the boat” too much during Christmastime, January is when divorces are filed the most often.
And honestly, in a roundabout way, it’s for both of these reasons that I think that, when you’re dating (especially seriously dating) someone, I believe that this is the time of year when you should especially take note of certain things. Because if there’s one time of year when you can get a real peep into what your future with someone could very possibly be like — between Thanksgiving and New Year’s would definitely be it.
Don’t believe me? Keep reading and I think that you’ll see exactly where I am coming from.
If They’re a “Holiday Person” or Not
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After almost two decades of working with couples, if there are three things that get totally underestimated during the dating process it’s sexual compatibility, having different faith mindsets, and how folks view holidays. And while the first two may make all of the sense in the world to you, if that last one is something that you think is no biggie — you are potentially setting yourself up for years of unnecessary stress, drama, and/or disappointment, if you don’t ponder how this can very much so become problematic.
Shoot, even on a friendship level, I had a friend who was pretty much obsessed with Christmas. I don’t observe holidays so, whenever she’d want me to come over for Christmas movies, loud Christmas music, and the baking of Christmas cookies and I passed or was less than enthusiastic, she was low-key triggered. That’s because a lot of people have many emotional things wrapped up into the holiday season: childhood memories, certain teachings, and sentimental expectations.
Anyway, if you’re someone who counts down to Christmas, your partner couldn’t care less and somehow you think that it will be smooth sailing for the rest of your life to be with someone like that — I’ll just say that I’ve had some clients who have ultimately broken up over that very issue. It’s because one felt overlooked while the other felt that they were being dramatic. And since Christmas — hell, all holidays — circle around every year…years of this led to a build-up of stress and resentment.
Moral to the story: might as well figure out now where both of you stand and, if you’re not on the same page of interest or enthusiasm, if there is room for compromise before jumping any broom.
If They’re Proactive or Reactive
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Although I don’t do holidays, I don’t know if it’s the Gemini in me or what but I am all-the-way-live about my birthday. That said, I once had a boyfriend who, while he was a nice guy, he absolutely sucked when it came to celebrating the one day that I actually care about. I mean, he was horrible at it. The reason he gave was his birthday wasn’t that big of a deal — and you know what? I absolutely don’t get what that has to do with me. Yeah, it’s kind of another article for another time that you should make sure that your partner isn’t so selfish that they think you should not expect certain things from them just because they’re not interested in them. Anyway, because this was his mindset, I can’t count one time when he was proactive about my birthday. Now, once he realized that either my feelings were hurt or I was irritated, here he would come with some sort of semi-plan — but why did it take that for him to show up for something that happens the same time annually? *le sigh*
The silver lining on this point is, that he’s the reason why I tell people all of the time to make sure that they pay attention to whether or not their partner is proactive vs. reactive during the dating process. What I mean by that is, do they think about what would bring a smile to your face all on their own or do they only do things to get out of the “dog house” on the back end?
And if holidays matter to you, there is no better time to pay close attention to this particular point: Are they offering to help with shopping or wrapping? Have they planned dates to get your mind off of potential holiday stress? Have they asked you to set aside time for them whether it’s during Christmas or in time for New Year’s? Or has it been crickets the entire time?
My late fiancé was a proactive man. I mean, even when I had a cold, this man would have flowers, orange juice, and meds waiting for me at my dorm (yep, even at that young of an age, he was on it). It’s one of the things that “sold” me to the concept of forever with him. People who move proactively have you on their minds and like to show it.
Reactive people are always trying to fix what could’ve been avoided…if they had only been proactive in the first place. BIG DIFFERENCE. And yes, the holidays typically tend to amplify all of this.
How Their Love Language Translates
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There is a wife in my life who once said something to me that I have shared before on this platform and I definitely make a point to share with all of my clients at one point or another. After a few decades of marriage and watching how her husband is reactive in many ways, I inquired how it made her feel. What she said was truly a mic drop moment: “I know that he loves me. He just doesn’t nourish or cherish me well.” She’s pulling that from Scripture: “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.” (Ephesians 5:28-29 — NKJV)
One definition of nourish is “sustain with food or nutriment.” Her husband is a good provider, so I know what she meant was more in the lane of synonyms like cultivate, tend to, and comfort. He’s just not the “go above and beyond” kind of man.
As far as cherish, that means that someone “to care for tenderly; nurture.”
When it comes to your own relationship, one way that your own partner can nourish and cherish you is by speaking your love language (physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts) — and the holiday season is a great time for them to do that. Even if they don’t have a ton of money, they can take you out on dates that have your love language in mind (check out “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language”). And while they’re doing that, you too can be figuring out how to become more fluent in the love language that they tend to resonate with the most.
Since December is reportedly the most romantic time of the year, if a man is gonna show up in this particular area, it’s usually gonna be now or bust. And that brings me to my next point.
If They’re Romantic
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I’m working with a client right now who is the absolute worst when it comes to romance. In his mind, if it’s not practical, it makes no sense to do it — whatever “it” may be. Because he’s a good husband in other areas, his wife has learned how to go without it; however, she has shared with me that if she could do things over again, she would’ve not married someone who didn’t have one romantic bone in his body because it has caused her to feel less appreciated than she thought that going without it would.
And just what does it mean to be a romantic individual? A very simple word encapsulates it pretty well: wooing. It’s what someone does to receive the — or when you’re in a relationship, more of the — affection, attention, admiration, and love of someone else.
Now we already know that one of the reasons why some people can seem romantic on the front end and then it falls off later is because they will amp up the “wooing” during dating and courtship and then get very comfortable after marriage. However, when someone is naturally romantic, more times than not, that isn’t the case. I know some husbands who are “strong wooers” to this day and it’s all because they are hard-wired to show their wives how much they mean to them on a pretty consistent basis.
Now, it’s another article for another time that it’s easier for a man to be romantic when women are wooing back (y’all ready to talk about that yet?). For instance, let’s not act like Valentine’s Day ain’t coming up soon and some of y’all think that it’s only about what you should be receiving and not also giving in return (sex is not a present, by the way). Yet the bottom line with this point is — watch if he woos or turns up the wooing. If he doesn’t and that really and truly bothers you, don’t ignore those feelings. “Forever” is a long time to go without getting something that you need and if romance is one of those things…take that very seriously.
(The husband I talked about has a hella surprise for his wife before the holidays are over, by the way. Counseling works! If there’s trouble in your relationship right now…get some.)
How They Are with Money
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Did you know that, reportedly, 25 percent of people are still trying to get rid of the debt that they received from holiday shopping last year? Yeah, that’s not good. And since financial stress, drama, and trauma continue to be a leading cause of why marriages end, you both need to pay attention to how y’all act in the mall and with your credit cards online right about now. Are either one of you impulsive spenders? Do either one of you take the attitude of “spend now, worry later”? This is a great time to talk about if you both are good at budgeting if you both have savings accounts (with actual money in it), and if you both use credit cards for emergencies more than anything else.
Since money is something that is an uncomfortable topic for a lot of people, it’s no shocker that many couples end up totally blindsided in marriage because they didn’t know certain things about how their partner got down when it comes to coins. Shoot, you’d be amazed by how many folks get up in arms whenever I ask them to show their partner their credit report during premarital sessions — umm, you’re going to be married to them. You don’t think they’re gonna eventually find out anyway? (What in the world?)
A lot of money moves around during the holiday season. This means that if there is a time when it doesn’t seem quite so “Why do you need to know that?” when it comes to spending habits and money mindsets, this would be it. Take advantage of it. The more you know about their money moves, the more clarity you’ll have about whether they’re a good fit for you — or not. Ask every divorced person you know how right I am on this one. They’ll tell you.
What Their Family Dynamic Is Like
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Family. Whew, chile. I remember when a guy — a guy who is now divorced, mind you — used to very arrogantly say, “I didn’t marry my wife’s family. I married her.” And while “leaving and cleaving” (Genesis 2:24-25) should indeed be a focus in any marriage, if you think that the person who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with will not have their relatives impact you on some level… “delusional” is a kind word for me to use. Listen, even if they are estranged from their family or their loved ones are deceased, the influence of those dynamics is still going to have a direct effect on you, one way or another.
That said, since most people are not in those “exclusive clubs,” if you are going to spend, at least a part of the holiday with your bae’s people, you need to pay close attention to how things go down. How folks communicate. If boundaries are respected. How you are spoken to and treated. What the family traditions are and if you are comfortable with them. If you see any red flags, that could make it difficult for you to interact with his family moving forward — and these are just a few examples of where I am coming from.
You know, it’s interesting. Although a leading cause for divorce continues to be what I just stated (finances), I semi-recently read a Forbes article that said the lack of family support is climbing up the ladder for why so many marriages are falling apart. This means that the whole “you and me against the world” mindset is slowly becoming more challenging to maintain because, some folks are realizing that, even when it comes to sustaining a marriage, it can “take a village” as far as having a solid support and encouragement system goes.
Now, can a marriage survive when there is familial conflict? So long as both people have really healthy boundaries, sure. Yet why would you choose to have that kind of relationship if you can be with someone where there is peace and harmony instead? And so, if the two of you are gonna be with either or both of your people this holiday season, pay close attention to the family dynamics and interactions. Family will always reveal a lot. I’ve dodged some major bullets by taking this point to heart. Boy, do I have some testimonies!
How Open They Are to Compromise
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Even with all that I just said, there is gonna be at least one of these categories where you both are going to have to be at least a little bit flexible — and that’s why I’m going to close this article out on that point. Some people are so “me-centered” that they don’t want a relationship; they want someone who is gonna be their hype man or hype woman…nothing more. And someone who isthat selfish? That is someone who needs to remain single.
And what does selfishness look like? Just for safe measure?
- Selfish people only care about their feelings, wants, and needs.
- Selfish people are poor listeners.
- Selfish people like to manipulate in order to get their way.
- Selfish people make plans that involve you without consulting with you first.
- Selfish people never know how to “go with the flow;” in other words, they are inflexible.
- Selfish people take more than they give.
- Selfish people like to hog all of the attention.
- Selfish people are not considerate of other people’s perspectives.
- Selfish people can’t take feedback and tend to not hold themselves accountable.
- Selfish people are self-consumed.
And if you think that you can build a strong, healthy, and lasting relationship with someone like that? Chile, I don’t see how — or more importantly, why you would even want to.
Listen, NOTHING reveals selfishness quite like the holidays do. So, definitely take this final point to heart. No matter how much you care about someone, if they are showing all kinds of signs of being a selfish individual, that’s typically not something that you can just “love away.” Remember that selfishness is about getting more…so if your partner shows himself to be hella selfish over the next several days, it might be time to do some slowing down NOT speeding up the relationship.
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Enjoy this holiday season, sis. Just make sure to use it as the “magnifying glass” that it is.
The good that you see — awesome.
The challenges that you see — do not ignore them.
The holidays are trying to do you a solid. Thank them for it.
They’ve actually got you…more than you know.
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