10 Men Told Me How They Like To Be (Emotionally) Pampered
One day, I'm gonna get around to writing a piece on signs that a woman has some bona fide daddy issues. Why? Because I don't see how any of us could have a healthy relationship with our father (not just a relationship; a healthy one. That really can't be said enough) and then turn around and find a way to dog men—especially Black men—out at every turn. Without hesitation or apology, I will say it until every single cow comes home because, that's how much I mean it—you cannot be pro-Black and be anti-Black men (same goes for Black men when it comes to Black women).
That's why I intentionally seek to write content like what I'm about to share. As someone who is a huge advocate of Black love—both romantic and platonic—I think it's important for us to hear what Black men need and for them to hear what we need as well. Unfortunately, far too often, when it comes to what guys desire from us, we tend to either tell them what we think they should have or decide amongst ourselves. Hmph. I sit in enough counseling sessions with married couples to know that both of those approaches are more counterproductive than not.
So today, we're gonna tackle the topic of emotional pampering. What's that? What's sad is, when I brought this up to one of the guys in this feature, he was stumped for an entire day before he could express what he needed in this area. "I'm so used to women only thinking that their needs matter, that I honestly don't know how to answer that question. I think I've had a wall up for so long when it comes to my emotional needs that I assumed they would never get met."
That's not good, y'all. Not by a long shot. To be pampered is "to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care". I've known this guy for decades at this point. He's a good man. Do you know how deep it is for him to say that he feels like no woman has made treating him with great kindness and care a priority? Wow.
Emotional pampering is something that should be seen as a necessity, not a luxury, in relationships. If you want to protect and preserve the one that you have with the men in your life, here are what some fellas told me makes them feel loved on, in this particular kind of way.
***middle names have been used so that folks can keep their private lives private***
10 Black Men Define Emotional Pampering in Their Own Words
Evan. 32. In a Relationship. "Wow. This question is kinda deep. I never thought about being pampered in any emotional way. But now that you've broken the definition down, I just want to be listened to. I kinda laughed when there were all those memes about Kamala needing to check Pence for over-talking her during their debate because I was like, 'Do women realize that's how they are in relationships?' I can't tell you how many times I've not been able to complete a sentence or I've been told that how I feel isn't the truth, just because a woman might not understand. It happened with my mom while growing up and in a lot of my relationships now. Poor listening is a sign of disrespect with men and women. I'm a man, so I'll just say that a lot of women don't get how much of a disconnect they create when they refuse to listen to the man in their life when he's sharing where he's coming from—whether they like it, agree with it or not."
James. 44. Single. "Care is pampering, huh? If that's the case, I feel like a woman truly cares about me when she asks me how I'm doing and accepts the answer. If I say that 'I'm fine', there doesn't need to be any more crime scene investigating, just because she might not offer up one-word answers if someone asked her the same thing. If I say that I'm not and I share what's going on, sometimes I just wanna get my feelings off of my chest and just hang out afterwards. Watch a movie. Vibe to some music. Have a glass of wine. A woman who really cares about how I am, takes it at face value, and then just calmly shares my space with me while I process, is some next-level lovin'. It might not sound deep, but it is."
"Poor listening is a sign of disrespect with men and women. I'm a man, so I'll just say that a lot of women don't get how much of a disconnect they create when they refuse to listen to the man in their life when he's sharing where he's coming from—whether they like it, agree with it or not."
Roger. 28. Single. "This might sound weird, but you know how I like to be pampered? You leaving your past in the past. Can I get an 'amen' on this because, so much drama can be avoided in relationships when people make sure they aren't comparing their exes to their current situation. It's lowdown to be out here comparing me, holding me to a crazy standard you've come up with based on your damaged psyche, or deciding that I need to fix some other guy's f—k ups. That only causes me to raise my guard and that doesn't help the relationship to get anywhere. Going into a relationship with as little baggage as possible might seem like a low bar but men, we love it. It spares us so much bulls—t."
Kendall. 24. Single. "I like when I'm not held accountable for my vulnerabilities. There is nothing like telling a woman something that's difficult to talk about and then she uses it as ammo when you least expect it. One ex of mine, I shared with her how bad I was with money in college because I wasn't taught anything about finances while growing up. When I lost my job while we were dating, she immediately went in on how I needed to budget better since I was 'bad with money'. Women are always talking about wanting a man who will be forthcoming with them. If you really want that, don't penalize us once we are."
Anthony. 39. In a Relationship. "What a great question. Personally, I like it when a woman foresees a need and meets it. She knows my love language and speaks it. She remembers what my favorite meal is and makes it or orders it. If she can sense that I need space, she gives it without making me feel guilty. A woman who makes it a point to be in tune with how a man moves is sexy as hell to me."
Malik. 47. Married. "Kindness is a form of pampering? Hmph. I don't think I ever knew that. Now that I do, I'll say that my wife is extremely good at emotionally pampering me. There are a million examples, but I think my favorite is she doesn't try to change me. When I was dating, I came across women who thought I was their project. While they liked certain things, they had the mentality that they needed to do some 'alterations'. That's annoying as hell. My wife loves me just the way I am. Likes me just the way I am too. And when you're sharing life with someone who enjoys you for who you are, I don't know if there is a greater act of kindness, to tell you the truth."
"My wife loves me just the way I am. Likes me just the way I am too. And when you're sharing life with someone who enjoys you for who you are, I don't know if there is a greater act of kindness, to tell you the truth."
Kyle. 36. Single. "Boundaries. To me, that is what emotionally pampering is all about. There are some things that are just between me and my lady, period. She's not telling her mom. She's not telling her best friend. It's not brought up 'anonymously' at work. A lot of us don't trust easily, as it is. I get that women are sometimes more relational than we are, but why does that mean that you need to have my business all out in the street? We want to be able to share everything about us, but not if we think your girlfriends are going to know about it. Knowing my lady is a vault is how I feel safe with her. Feeling safe doesn't come up enough when we talk about what men need from women."
Winston. 26. Single. "Wanting to understand where I'm coming from is really kind to me. I don't just mean in my relationship with a woman either. What I'm talking about is, if I'm talking to a woman, any woman really, about something that's happening in my life, rather than them feeling like they need to be some sort of 'emotional coach', they just work to get where I'm coming from. As Black men, we're misunderstood a lot. Women who try and sympathize or even empathize with certain issues or struggles means more than most women know."
"Knowing my lady is a vault is how I feel safe with her. Feeling safe doesn't come up enough when we talk about what men need from women."
Samson. 33. Engaged. "Encouragement is a big point for me. My lady now is great at that. I'm actually really attracted to women with strong personalities, but I think a lot of women think that correction is encouragement. It's not. Remember that scene in Brown Sugar when Taye Diggs' character told his wife that he quit his job because he was unhappy and she immediately started preaching about how dumb of a decision that was? Wanna know why he ended up with fine ass Sanaa Lathan instead? Because she encouraged him. Why would you want your man to be somewhere where he's not happy? It's hard enough being a Black man out here without having your woman trying to mother you all the time. Pamper me by having my back and letting me know that you think I can do whatever it is I set out to do. That kind of woman is one in a million, boy."
Xavier. 40. Divorced. "I feel extremely cared for when a woman doesn't assume that I don't like some of the same things that she does. I would consider myself to be really masculine, but I enjoy flowers, cards and spontaneous dates. You might've heard that if we get sex and food, we're pretty happy. Well, first, that needs to be good sex and good food. But seriously…simple acts of forethought and kindness are all that a lot of us want or need. Just knowing that you want to make us feel cared for and about is enough to make a good man want to give a woman the world."
These are just 10 men and their thoughts. What I recommend is that you ask the "main" man in your life, along with some of your own male friends and/or co-workers about what makes them feel emotionally pampered too. It's not about judging or editing their answers because, if there's one point that these men have driven home, it's that emotionally connecting is key and that comes from taking their words and feelings—well, literally.
All of us need to be pampered—treated with great kindness and care. Make it a point to emotionally pamper the men in your life. You might just be surprised by how much it will benefit your relationship with them…if/when you do.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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8 Eyebrow Trends And What You Should Know Before Trying Them
I like knowing random information; I think that’s a part of what’s kept me in the writing game, full-time, since 2000. Anyway, a few years back, I remember reading that some of the first things that men notice on women are their faces, their bodies, if they’re loud, if they’re with guys or girls, and their accessories. That got me thinking that, even though I’m heterosexual, I can appreciate a woman, lawd. And so, what I tend to notice first is her body, her hair, and, if I’m close enough, her lips and eyebrows.
Yep. Eyebrows. I dunno. Like they say that you can learn a lot about a man by the kind of shoes he has on (and how well he takes care of them), I feel that way about a woman’s eyebrows: I think that you tend to be pretty intentional about your appearance if your eyebrows are on-point — and personally, I appreciate that.
Since I also once read that around one-quarter of women use eyebrow pencils to make their brows look as perfect as possible, I took that as a sign that I can’t be the only one who is as into eyebrows as I am. That’s why I thought it would be cool to take a moment to share some of the current eyebrow trends that are poppin’ out in these streets…in case you’re looking to switch up your own brow look any time soon.
8 Eyebrow Trends You'll See Everywhere in 2024
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1. High Arches
A few years back, I would get my eyebrows threaded. There was a place that was much closer to me than where I go to get waxed now, and it was convenient. So, why did I stop? The main reason was that the ladies kept creating higher and higher arches which meant my brows were getting thinner and thinner — and that was really pissing me off.
I did some asking around to see if this was other people’s experiences, and (le sigh) apparently it is (the losing brows in threading, I mean. If it has been for you, would you hop in the comments and let me know?). Anyway, although I much rather have my brows follow another trend on the list (more in a bit), I will say that high arches are something that’s currently really popular.
To a certain extent, I get it. They can be sexy, especially if you like to play around with eyeshadow. My main problem is I HATE the growing out processing of thinner brows — so, if you’re contemplating “upping your arch,” just keep in mind that it could take 3-4 months to grow them back out again. Geeze.
@kyranikole2 this was not on the agenda for today but just wanted a little umph for these brows lol
2. Tinting
And what if you’re currently in the growing out stage and you’re trying to figure out how to make it through? Back when I was in the process of wanting my own eyebrows to look fuller, this is right where I was. The remedy was another current trend: eyebrow tinting. Long story short, it’s a semi-permanent coloring approach that can help to fill in sparse areas of your eyebrows and/or make them darker in order to give them more definition.
If there is a heads up that I would give for this, it’s that, if you end up not liking the tint job once it’s done, it could take a few weeks for the tinting to fade completely. Oh, something else: be sure about the color you want. Sometimes, that black can be way too much on lighter skin tones. So, make sure that you are crystal clear with the esthetician about what your expectations are. One more thing: discuss the chemicals that are in the products. Some folks have been known to have an allergic reaction from time to time.
3. Serums
Okay, so what if you want the depth that tinting provides, yet you’d prefer to avoid the permanence that the method offers? A great alternative is yet another eyebrow trend for this year: eyebrow serums. The cool thing about those is they can help to smooth out your brows while giving them dimension in a no-side-effects kind of way. That’s because a lot of serums contain ingredients that help to condition your brow hairs so that they are able to remain healthy and strong. Plus, they actually contribute to the growing out process. Glamour has a list of eyebrow growth serums here; Vogue has some others here.
@itslexclusive Replying to @MulaMone This is a halo brow free zone!💅🏾 @REVOLUTION brow soap styler @Milani brow pen -espresso @NARS Cosmetics concealer pot - Amande &Cacao #eyebrowtutorial #eyebrowtutorialblackgirl #blackgirlmakeup #fluffybrows
4. Fluffy Brows
As for me and my house, I’m not sure what I think about fluffy brows because, every time that I look at them, I feel like the hairs that are poking out at the top of the brow line need to be trimmed — yet hey, to each their own, right? The flip side to these is they do look hella full and healthy, so that’s a plus. Anyway, although some people like to achieve this look with brow lamination because there are some long-term risks that potentially come with going that route (you can read more about that here), just know that if you want to try the fluffy style out, you can also make it happen with the help of some hairspray or eyebrow wax.
5. Two-Tones
Something else that I peeped that some folks are into right now is two-toned or ombré-looking eyebrows (this typically means lighter-looking brows towards your eyes and darker towards your temples). Now, this look can be achieved in a few different ways. Some folks get their eyebrows tattooed (you can see it here). Some apply henna (you can see that here). Others use make-up, especially in order to create drastic, colorful eyebrows (there’s an example of those here). Whatever route you decide to take, if you want eyebrows that look less one-dimensional, two-tone/ombré will make it happen (the make-up approach is really great for photoshoots, by the way).
@jeriekaewing How to achieve the straight eyebrow shape. I wanted something different and decided to change the shape of my eyebrows. Concealer used is by @toofaced brow pomade is by @suggacosmetics (they no longer sell it) #fyp #xyzbca #makeuptutorial #makeuphacks #blackgirlmakeup #browtutorial #browtransformation #straighteyebrows
6. Straight Brows
Something that has been all over the place, both this year and last, is straight eyebrows. This look is pretty much what it sounds like: people are trying to remove as much curve from their brows as possible, which means that many are taking off the tail end of their own eyebrows so that there is less of an arch while others are removing the end and then using eyeliner to create a straight eyebrow tip.
Some folks believe that taking this particular approach to their brows helps to make them look younger. Personally, I don’t see it but…just putting it out there if you’re bored with your own eyebrows and you want to try something different. Or trendy.
7. Natural Brows
You know how you need to go to a hairstylist who wants to give you what YOU want and not what THEY think is best? Same goes with an esthetician — and I adore mine. For years, I was doing my eyebrows myself. I started seeing her when I wanted to do some pampering (in fact, had I not been getting my eyebrows done the day that my house blew up, I probably wouldn’t be writing this article now). Years later, while I can still get the job done in the pinch, I still see her about once a month because she’s trained to create the brow look that I’m after in such a precise way that I don’t need to apply anything until the next appointment (and I adore that for me!).
No doubt about it, she has my brows looking really full, very natural, and with a gradual arch. As life would have it, natural brows are in, too. I don’t really care, though. I don’t see myself switching up from natural brows any time soon — trend or not. *Elmo shrug*
8. (Baby) Brow Lifts
There used to be a time when it was mostly older women who went through the cosmetic procedure of a formal brow lift. It was because they wanted to remove any wrinkly or aging skin around their eyes while also “lifting” their forehead a bit so that they could look younger. These days, younger ladies are following suit, especially by getting what is known as a “baby brow lift.” What medical professionals are saying is a lot of women sing the baby lift’s praises because it gives them a higher arch and a more exotic look with less downtime (for instance, botox can provide this effect, although you will have to get it redone as the botox wears off while others are combining brow lamination with brow tinting).
Since this option is probably the most expensive out of all of the trends here, definitely make sure you want to shell out this much cash and that you consult with a reputable cosmetic surgeon about if you need it as much as you think that you do.
____
It’s kind of funny that the two strips of hair that are there to keep sweat ‘n stuff out of our eyes (and help us to communicate effectively) get so much cosmetic attention. Hey, I appreciate it, though. I say it often: a woman with some manicured brows, a couple of coats of mascara, and something on her lips usually doesn’t NEED anything more than that.
Whether she follows trends or…not. #Elmoshrugagain
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