When I first received the job offer for my current full-time job, I was hesitant to accept. This commute was much longer than the seven-to-ten-minute commute I was used to. I now had to travel down two interstates to get to work. Now, I know this has nothing on the folks who take two subways, three buses, and walk four blocks to get to their jobs, however, living in New Haven, CT, it's an annoying idea to swallow. Was I really about to do this?
Yes. I was. I did.
I quit the job that was around the corner from my house and accepted an offer for a job I had to drive through three towns to which to get. It was the best job decision I made. Not just because of the position, but because the increased commute time made me even more productive. My new travel time helped maximize my productivity; by forcing me to wake up earlier and journey further, I ended up having more time on my hands. Time I learned how to manage during my commute.
So, how do I maximize my commute times to be more productive? We've become a society of multi-tasking, which is a wonderful thing for making the most of my new commute time. Recognizing that my ride to work could be used for more than just the commute changed everything about that journey. Instead of just listening to music, I began utilizing silence to think, brainstorm, and set my day up for success.
Once I mastered the art of safely multi-tasking, I decided to break my commutes into the two different journeys — one to work, and the other from work. Each commute allows me to maximize my productivity in two very different ways. On my way to work, I do things that help set the precedence for my day. I prepare myself for the work of the day ahead, and mentally check-in to work mode even before I arrive. I do things like pray, check my emails, and listen to an inspirational podcast that puts me in the mood to grind the day out. On my journey home from work, I unwind and fully check-out — refusing to bring anything from work home with me. I process the day, mentally review any pending items, and release any stressors that may affect any post-work activities. This is how I manage a healthy work-life balance.
Regardless of how you choose to use your to and from work commutes, the following can help you make the most of your travel time.
Pray.
GiphyWhile I make it a point to pray before even leaving the house, sometimes I just can't get to it. On those mornings, I drive to work in silence and dedicate the entire commute to prayer. I express gratitude for the job I'm traveling to, express gratefulness for God's consistent guidance, and thank Him for all He's done thus far. I then begin to ask Him to guide my day and to handle all the battles that may come my way. Starting my day in this way keeps me centered for all that may come when I enter the office. It reminds me to focus on God through every obstacle the day may bring, and it gives me the peace I need to begin each day productively and purposefully.
Check Emails.
GiphyChecking my emails on the way to work helps me eliminate anxiety. I don't typically enjoy going into anything completely blind. By checking my inbox before I arrive to work, I'm aware of the fires I may experience walking in the door; it gives me a great head-start to some of the interactions and problem-solving I'd have to focus on. It also gives me a great starting point for what I need to conquer first – allowing me to make my mental to-do list.
Create your To-Do list.
Achieve To Do List GIF by MAXGiphyThere's no reason you must wait until you get to work to start identifying what you must do. Thinking about the pending items on my way to work helps me to focus in on my day's top priorities before I get weighed down with the priorities of others. During my morning commute, I make a mental to-do list of items that must be completed on that day (for the sake of my own mental wellbeing). I usually settle on 3-4 tasks, which leaves enough space on the list for interruptions and last-minute emergencies. Doing so gives me a wonderful starting place and allows me to hit the ground running when I arrive to work – that is, after I make my morning tea.
Reflect.
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Reflecting can be you assessing your morning mood, setting intentions, or just thinking critically about what's going on in your personal life. Using your commute time to reflect is a wonderful opportunity to process how you feel and determine how you plan to show up for yourself on any given day. It also allows you to get your mind right before having to deal with pesky coworkers or daunting job tasks. Typically, I use my morning reflection time for intention setting and my evening reflection time to affirm what I've done in my 8-hours of work. This helps me to start my day deliberately, and to end it with positivity.
Listen to a Podcast/Audiobook or Read a Relevant Article.
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They say it's important to spend at least five hours per week learning something new. Podcasts and articles are one of the many ways I do so. Dedicating my 20-30 minute commute to consuming educational content, ensures that I'm making the most of my travel time, and not completely slacking on my self-work. Whether you tune in to your favorite podcast, listen to an audiobook, or read a new article on your favorite site, fitting in a form of education and entertainment is imperative – especially on the days you feel you don't have the time to do either.
Check in on Your Side Projects.
This is particularly useful for those dedicated to maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Utilizing your commute time to check in on freelance projects allows you to tackle some of the more mundane tasks before you get home and 'clock in' to your second source of income. Make your last-minute phone calls, respond to quick e-mails, check on the status of pending items, and brainstorm for your next project before you even arrive home. Doing so helps to cut down on the time you spend doing this work and frees up some home time to actually enjoy…home.
Decompress.
Critical to ensuring you leave your work at work, decompressing is the post-work version of reflecting. Decompressing allows you to process what happened in the day and allows you to think about the pending items that you didn't get a chance to complete. It gives you one last moment to unload your thoughts from work, so you don't bring it home with you. It's a great opportunity to vent to yourself about the day's struggles, reflect on the new things you learned today, and allows you to affirm the work you did.
Phone a Friend.
If you're anything like me, after a long day of work the last thing you want to do when you get home is talk to anyone for at least 30 minutes. Using your commute time to check on your friends and share your latest frustrations is a good way to ensure your home time can be dedicated to your at-home routines. It's also a great way to nurture your relationships without them getting lost in the hustle and bustle of our everyday lives. Whether it's cooking, spending time with your children or spouse, or simply taking a shower and relaxing, marking off these non-work items during your commute home can free up some space in your hectic schedule for actual you-time at home. I use my after work commute in the best way I can to ensure that once I get home, my time will be my time.
Regardless of what your commuting situation is like, there have been quite a few things I've learned on my fantastic voyages to and from work. In the past year and a half, I've learned how to make the most of my commute and maximize my productivity doing so. Mixing my work commutes with professional productivity, relationship building, and self-care ensures that I have a balanced routine long before the day is over.
Featured image by Getty Images
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
After she looked at me like, “No, I mean something sexy that we can do,” I proceeded to explain to her that, when done with a specific intention and goal in mind, sex massages can be something that will lead to some of the most intense and pleasurable sex two people have ever had.
Yeah, I know a lot of times that, when the topic of massages comes up, it’s from a more “functional” space, such as relieving pain or reducing anxiety; however, as you’re about to see, if you and your man added sex massages into your sex life more often, “boring” is probably the last thing that you will ever use to describe what happens up in your bedroom ever again.
Here’s why I believe that to absolutely be the case…
First, Let’s Recap (Some of) the Benefits of a Massage
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A few years ago, I wrote an article entitled, “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.” for the platform. When you get a second, check it out because not only can it help you to figure out what specific type of massage you should get the next time that you schedule one, but it can also provide some proven health benefits that come with each one.
As far as massages overall, according to the American Massage Therapy Association, massages can do everything from reducing stress and anxiety to soothing lower back pain, releasing muscle tension, and improving your quality of sleep — and that really is just the tip of the iceberg! And since those things alone can play a direct role in not just how much sex you have but how great the sex will be while you’re having it, automatically, massages should become a part of your self-care regimen if you’re serious about getting the absolute most, in the best way possible, when it comes to your sex life (along with the quality of your health overall but we’re talking about sex right now…#wink).
Now, Let’s Talk About the Power of Physical Touch
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Back when I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national nonprofit, once I developed a certain level of trust with my “daughters,” they would oftentimes bring their boyfriends (or, umm, situations) in for me to low-key vet them. Even though, these days, you have to be extra careful when it comes to extending any kind of physical contact with folks, does it surprise y’all that I am totally unconventional? I would hug my girls and their guys. Why? Because I get that a big part of the reason why so many young people are so hypersexed is that they don’t really get much physical affection at home (you can always tell); so, sex is what they resort to in order to get some sort of touch from another human being. They’re not alone either; I’ve actually read that the United States tops the places in the world where people are extremely “touch deprived.”
That said, at this point, who doesn’t know about the five love languages (check out “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?”)? At the very least, everyone is aware that they are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, and, yes, physical touch. Yet even if physical touch isn’t the top way that you’d prefer to receive love, it’s still a foundational need for you, whether you realize it or not. There are studies to support the fact that when teachers pat their students on the back, those individuals are three times more likely to engage in class, that children with autism (who oftentimes prefer no touch at all) feel soothed whenever they are massaged by a parent or their therapist; that massage therapy is quite effective with moms who are going through postpartum depression, and that touch can make those with Alzheimer’s disease feel less stressed out.
When it comes to touch on a romantic level, there’s also research that cites that physical touch helps to activate the part of our brains that helps us to make wiser decisions. And, when it comes to kissing, we as women choose our partners, in part, by “messages” that we receive through a man’s saliva (no joke!). Plus, if you want to feel supported and empathized with, physical touch can convey that message, too. Not to mention good ole’ oxytocin and the role that it plays in bonding us to other people whenever we’re holding their hand, cuddling up with them, or engaging in sex with them.
I really could go on and on, yet I’m hoping what you’re getting is revelation, understanding, and/or confirmation that physical touch is extremely important and, when it comes to interacting with your partner, it goes well beyond what goes down in the bedroom. Physical touch is literally life-altering.
Okay, So What Makes a ‘Sex Massage’ Different?
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So, what makes a sex (or sexual) massage different from any other kind of one? That’s a good question. A sex massage is pretty much what it sounds like: a massage that has the ultimate intention of sexually exciting or arousing one’s partner.
If the first thing that comes to your mind is a “happy ending,” I won’t lie — there is some merit to that. In fact, full disclosure, a part of what inspired me to even pen this was rewatching the Lifetime seriesThe Client List (Jennifer Love Hewitt) on Tubi (did you know that they’ve gotDegrassi High: The Next Generation [yep with Drake] on there now? Dammit man! LOL). If you’ve never seen it or the movie that resulted in the spinoff, long story short, a spa was giving happy endings on the low. The women there would dress up in sexy outfits, start off with a “regular” massage, and between personal requests for certain fetishes, touching “those” spots, and umm, doing some other things — I’m pretty sure that you get the drift. So yes, all of that would technically qualify as a sex massage.
However, when it comes to its core definition, the objective of a sex massage is to use massage to bring some peace, serenity, and stimulation to the mind, body, and spirit.
When you do this for men, it can help to treat erectile dysfunction and help them to last longer in bed. When you do this for women, it can reduce stress levels and make it easier to climax. For both, it can lead to intensified orgasms, which is always a good thing. And that’s why incorporating sex massages into your foreplay activities can always be a super wise move.
What Are the Different Types of Sexual Massages?
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Okay, so now that you know a little bit more about sex massages, you might be wondering if you should just put a lace teddy on, pull out some massage oil, and get to rubbing (or rubbing one out). I mean, that’s one approach — and I’m pretty sure that your partner won’t mind one bit. LOL. Technically, though, there are some specific types of sex massages that you can do.
Tantric Massage. This is a massage that incorporates the principles of tantra. You can read more about tantric sex principles here. As far as the massage itself goes, you pretty much start by massaging the entire body (preferably while your partner is on their back) as you slowly move towards their various erogenous zones. Peep that I didn’t say genitalia only; erogenous zones are various places throughout the body that sexually stimulate a person (check out “7 Erogenous Zones You and Your Partner Should Explore During Sex,” “Feelin' On These Pressure Points Will Give You The Best Sex Of Your Life” and “So, What If ‘Typical Erogenous Zones’ Annoy TF Outta You?”). Anyway, you can read more about how to give a stellar tantric massage here.
Tantric Breast Massage. Aside from the fact that breast massages can help to remove toxins from your body, if they happen to be an erogenous zone for you, they can feel pretty damn amazing, too, especially since nipple orgasms are definitely a thing and starting your night off with one could make for a super wild evening (in the best way possible, of course). Learn more about breast massages here.
Lingam Massage. Still, a part of the “tantric family,” lingam massages focus on the penis solely. I would go into more depth here, but there’s no need. A few years back, I wrote all about it. Check out “Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage.”
Yoni Massage. Pretty sure you can guess what this one is all about, right? Yes, a yoni massage is when your partner hones in on your vaginal region — first on your vulva (the outer part of your vagina) and then on your vagina (the inner tube). If you’d like to experience one, shoot your man the article that Men’s Health wrote on how to give one; it’s right here.
Nuru Massage. I’m someone who likes to read up on the origin of things. From what I’ve discovered about this type of massage, “nuru” is Japanese for slippery. What takes place here is you and your partner are both naked and (massage) oiled up. Then one of you lays on top of the other and rubs against the other person. How you can do this and it not immediately lead to sex? Your guess is as good as mine, chile. Read more up on it here.
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If reading about all of this doesn’t get you all hot ‘n bothered, just at the mere thought of giving and receiving a sex massage, I don’t know what to tell you, sis. Hell, I wrote it and I feel a bit of a tingle! All I can say is that a sex massage is something that you shouldn’t knock until you’ve tried (all five, in my opinion). And once you have, report back if all of that rubbing doesn’t cause a spark! Straight up.
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