

Feeling Stuck In Life? Here's How To Get Out Of That Funk
For the past few years, I've been working to create a life I don't want to escape from. A huge part of that journey has been dedicated to doing more of the things that make me happy and accepting that I'm worthy of a life I love. I had become accustomed to accepting what life threw at me and learning to be grateful for it. But, I wasn't happy, nor was I fulfilled.
I often found myself forcing gratitude out of fear of seeming ungrateful. Forcing myself to always focus on what was going great in my situation or telling myself it could be worse stopped me from addressing the lack of joy I was experiencing daily. It also prevented me from seeking opportunities that aligned with the vision I had for my life.
I was in community with a few people at the time who knew they weren't happy with their lives, and we were deciding to settle. When I would ask them about good things happening in their lives, some would only be able to reference events from high school or college, but 10 years had passed since then. Some people experienced tragic or unplanned things that derailed their goals and became stuck in a cycle of thinking about what could have been. They were in their late twenties and early thirties and already felt like their best days were behind them.
Well, the average person lives to be 72 years old and I eventually found myself wondering what they would do for the rest of their days while allowing their past to define their reality. I knew I didn't want that for myself and became determined to do something different. If you can relate to these feelings, keep reading to learn what I did to keep the spark going when I didn't feel excited about life.
1. "Lean into the discomfort."
When I was a resident advisor, my team leader would end each meeting by reminding us to “lean into the discomfort” because it was the only way we would grow. I thought it was a cool reminder, but as I've gotten older, it's become integral to how I move through life. Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable is one of the first steps in the growth process.
Sometimes we'll shy away from being uncomfortable because we assume we're in danger. We may perceive that we're at risk of failing or embarrassing ourselves. These concerns are valid because when we're operating outside of our comfort zone, we're vulnerable. We may be hyper-aware of how others see us and may even be uncomfortable adjusting to the changes we see within ourselves. But, two things can be true at the same time. This period of discomfort could be one of the scariest and most exciting times of our lives!
We also don't have to throw ourselves out into the unknown unprotected. During times of transition, we must practice self-care and self-soothing activities. Taking risks exposes us to rejection, judgment, anxiety, and hearing the word "no" more often. We won't succeed or get the outcome we were hoping for each time, and that's okay. Finding support systems and engaging in stress relief activities can help us navigate the challenges.
Over time, doing things that scare us can help build our capacity to tolerate uncertainty and increase our self-confidence when we realize we can do hard things.
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2. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Social media is a great tool to connect with people and be exposed to new things, but it can also leave you feeling defeated if you aren't careful. Social media has made it easy for us to participate in the 'Comparison Olympics.' We watch the highlight reel of someone's life and question why we don't have what they have or couldn't navigate a similar hardship the way we did.
We could receive news we're hoping or praying for and might not allow ourselves the space to be excited because we saw that someone share what we perceive to be more significant news on Instagram. We could be getting ready to take a much-needed vacation and become sad that we can't travel to the locations we see on travel pages.
We may even become upset that more people aren't more forthcoming about their negative life experiences. Sometimes we want to know that other people are struggling because we don't want to feel alone in our situation. But the truth is, we don't need to know every single detail of someone else's life to feel better about our own. It isn't healthy, and most times, it isn't our business.
No one on the earth is without worry or hardship. People are allowed to remember and display their lives the way they want. Focusing on what you can see about others takes the focus of what matters most and what you actually have power over: your life.
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3. Find things to look forward to.
Sometimes we are afraid to look forward to things because we're afraid to be disappointed. The past two years have been rough. People had big plans for 2020, but the pandemic caused a lot of social shifts and grief. It seemed like we were always anticipating the next tragedy. But grief and joy can coexist.
Grief and happiness are both important parts of the human experience—you can't have one without the other. Give yourself the space to feel how you feel and process your feelings. But also give yourself permission to move on. Ruminating over what could have been or obsessing over what could be, makes us feel powerful because it gives us the illusion of being in control. But none of that is real, and we end up stuck.
If we're going to incorporate more joy into our lives, we must remember that we only have the present moment and we have to let the present be enough. We may not know what will happen next year or next week, but we can still schedule a time to do the things that make us happy.
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4. Learn something new.
I attempt to learn something new whenever I'm stressed to shift my focus. I thought I lacked discipline and the ability to concentrate (which can be true lol), but then I read that learning something new helps ease stress and increases your self-worth. I also learned that learning also makes you happier and increases your self-confidence.
Learning doesn't have to be structured or confined to the classroom. You can learn through meeting new people and hearing their life experiences. You can also take dance, writing, or drawing classes from YouTube University. It also makes you open to trying new experiences because you'll be confident in your ability to take on new challenges.
Learning can also help you realize that you're never stuck. You'll be confident in your ability to take on new challenges because you'll know you can develop the skills to succeed. As long as you're willing to learn something new and put yourself out there, you have the opportunity to reinvent yourself and change your life.
So, get out of your own way. Your best life is waiting for you.
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Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Queen Naija Opens Up About Feeling ‘Envious’ Of Women Who Are Child-Free
The journey of becoming a mother can come with its set of personal struggles, and singer Queen Naija is opening up about the impact that motherhood has had on her personal growth.
On the first episode of her new podcast Let’s Talk About It — with her best friend Dominique Moore — the 28-year-old admitted to occasionally feeling “envious” of women who don’t have children, expressing her desire for the freedoms that come along with a childless life.
“Sometimes I envy the girls that get to wake up with no kids and like literally get to design their apartment the way that they want and literally just go and do whatever they want,” she says.
The social media personality started her motherhood journey and marriage at 19 with ex-husband Chris Sails. At the time, the two shared a YouTube channel, Chris and Queen, documenting their life and relationship. The two soon had a son, Chris Sails Jr., but divorced due to his infidelity.
Following the breakup, Naija entered a relationship with her current boyfriend, Clarence White, with whom she has a child named Legend Lorenzo White.
While the "Karma” singer expresses deep love for her sons, she highlights the need to find balance between motherhood and continuing the journey of self-discovery beyond her music career and public persona.
“I never got to learn myself,” she said. “I’m still trying to learn myself outside of just music while still trying to become a wife too and the best mom. It’s hard to do all of that, I feel like sometimes I’ve got to choose.”
Queen Naija and her co-host continue by emphasizing the pressure to perform “the titles” of mother and wife, while still uncovering deeper layers of themselves as individuals.
Although the two agree to be “blessed” and “grateful” to be mothers, the need to make the choice between these responsibilities and identities still leaves residual curiosity about the lives of women who are single and child-free.
“It just goes back to that, I envy girls that can…because it seems their life is so organized. I don’t want to say envy like I’m jealous, but you know, fake envy,” she says.
Girl Talk | Let's Talk About It (Ep. 1)
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