This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’
It really is comedy that, right when I sat down to pen this piece, the music that played in my head came from a song that I literally haven't heard in at least 10 years. Tell me something—where were you back in 1999 when Ludacris featuring Shawnna's song "What's Your Fantasy?" came out? Wow, y'all. That was—count 'em—21 freakin' years ago. I get why it played in my psyche, though. If you pay close attention to it, it's basically a sex bucket list. Luda was talking about going from jets to cars, having sex in kitchens and jacuzzis, making home movies and laying on a bedful of cash—the list went on and on until the song faded out. Basically, he was rapping about his sexual fantasies. And that's something that all of us have.
In a nutshell, a fantasy is what transpires when our imagination is totally uninhibited. And just where do our fantasies come from? Good question. From what I've read and researched, it can be anything from our imagination to something we've read in a book or discussed with friend. Or, it could be tied to something deeper like a childhood experience, some porn that we've watched or a sexual opportunity that we felt we let get away. Or, it could even be about wanting to relive—or add onto—a really great experience that we've already had. What you can know for sure is fantasies don't come out of nowhere; there is indeed a source. That's why it's a good idea to reflect on that fact before you actually put your sexual bucket list together. That way, you can know what you are picking out of possible trauma, habit or pure eroticism. That way, you can also know what fantasies should actually be explored and, which ones should be filed away in the back of your own mind.
Once you are clear on what belongs where, you can put together an I-want-to-do-this-before-my-libido-dies list that will bring you pleasure, will only benefit your relationship, and will cause very little drama once your fantasy becomes an actual reality. Here's how to make all of this happen for you and yours.
The Fantasizing That You Should Do Alone
Reflect on every sexual fantasy you've ever had. We all know what a bucket list is; it's a list of things that we want to accomplish either before a certain time or season in our lives, or before we take our final breath on this earth. A sex bucket list would be all of the sexual things that fall under this definition. Clearly, I'm all about creating sex bucket lists or I wouldn't be writing this article. However, what I will also say is, just because you have a fantasy of some sort, that doesn't automatically mean that you and your partner should make it come true. Because we are all individuals with unique imaginations, it really is best to take out some time to do your own sexual journaling where, not only do you write down what your sexual fantasies are but where you think they came from. Not to get super deep here, but it bears mentioning that if you've always wanted to have sex with an older man while someone is watching, you might want to ponder if something similar happened to you in your childhood or adolescence. Or, if you want to do some of the things that you and an ex did, is it about the sex itself or more about you wanting to use your current partner to relive what you haven't let go in your past?
It's a poor assumption that every sexual fantasy should be fulfilled or that all of them come from a pure and healthy space. Some are tied to unresolved past issues. Some are cool, but you really should keep them to yourself. The only way to know for sure is to jot down all of your sexual fantasies and try and find the source of where they came from (if you can). After that, you're ready for the next step.
Then think about the ones that will—and won't—benefit your relationship. When it comes to healthy decision-making, hands down, one of my favorite words to apply to the decision-making process is "beneficial". When something is beneficial, it is both advantageous and good. Another great definition of the word is "make improvement". You get what this means, right? Before embarking on making a sexual fantasy come true, it's important to ask yourself if and how it will be advantageous for your relationship beyond merely scratching some itch. Also ask yourself if it will be good for the both of you to partake in it. And finally, will it ultimately improve the relationship on any level?
There's someone I know whose husband wants to check a threesome off of his sex bucket list. He doesn't pressure his wife to have one, but he does bring it up, at least a couple of times a year. Whenever his wife brings it up to me and I ask her how she feels about it, she's like, "I have no interest in being with another woman, he is absolutely against being with another man and, I feel like after it would be over, I'd be totally mortified." Yeah, sex and mortified are not like peanut butter and jelly; they are absolutely not supposed to go together.
Only a selfish lover would expect their partner to do something that might satisfy them but won't benefit the relationship overall. It really is important to ask yourself what, on your sex bucket list, would really only make you happy as opposed to help the relationship that you are in overall.
(By the way, when it comes to both of these points, it's a good idea to recommend that your partner do these two steps before the two of you put a list together too.)
The Fantasizing You Should Do with Your Partner
Figure out which sexual fantasies will actually take your relationship to the next level. Once you've got what should, and shouldn't, actually go onto your couple's bucket list, the next thing you need to decide is which fantasies will push your sex life—and ultimately, your relationship—forward. Like, if you've always wanted to have sex in an elevator, is that because you both are natural risk-takers and you want to bring more spontaneity into the relationship? Or, if you want to read erotica to one another, is that a way of making quality time extra sexy?
Something that both of you may have always wanted to do is go on a date at a strip or swinger's club, but have you really thought that through? It's one thing to look at hot women or men alone or to watch people having sex on a monitor, but when things are up close and personal and you're watching your partner's reaction to who and what they are only a few feet away from, that can trigger the green-eyed monster or cause you to activate feelings that you might not have known were there before.
Having sex in your childhood bed. Engaging in oral sex in a public place. Getting it in at your offices after hours. Making your own sex tape. Having sex in the rain. Creating your own multiple orgasms competition to see who can give the other more of 'em. Whatever your sex fantasies are, before putting them down on your actual sex bucket list, it's a good idea for both of you to discuss which ones would be great for the relationship and why. (Trust me, you'll thank me later if you do.)
Prioritize the desire and timing of each one. Once you've got a random list together, another good idea is to rank, on a scale of 1-5, which fantasies take top priority. There's a simple reason for this recommendation—tomorrow is not promised and so, if the goal is to check off as many fantasies as possible, you need to figure out which ones are the most important to you. Like, if you've never had sex in a parking lot, what are you waiting on? You could pretty much knock that one down today (relatively-speaking). On the other hand, if you've always wanted to have sex in a particular ocean or in a certain country, it's time to pull your sex jar out and do some planning. By putting your sex list in the order of what you want to do ASAP vs. what is worth waiting for, not only can it spice up your sex life in the present, but it can also give you and yours something to look forward to in the future. Both can keep sexual boredom down to a minimum, and that's always a good thing where your relationship is concerned.
Finally, Set the Right Ambiance for Creating Your Sex Bucket List
Get a fresh journal for your bucket list. Sex is important. So, don't just scribble your sex bucket list on some random sheet of paper and toss it into a drawer. Pick up a fresh journal, one that you will devote solely to it and it alone. Then put it in one of your nightstands so that the two of you can refer back to it often. Or, if you're super bold and daring, design your list and have it framed to hang up somewhere in your bedroom. Make it a literal piece of art (because it is).
Create a sexy atmosphere while making it. Whenever you and yours decide to put your sex bucket list together, avoid doing it while you're watching a show on television or as you're both scrolling through your Instagram accounts before going to sleep. Create an atmosphere that will put both of you in a sensual mood. Dim the lights. Light some scented candles. Throw on a sex-inducing streaming playlist. Make clothing optional. Nothing about what you're about to do should feel like work. It's needs to be as erotic, intriguing and fun as possible.
Have some aphrodisiacs on deck. Something else that can be cool is you can turn your sex bucket list time into a bit of an indoor picnic; one that has nothing but aphrodisiacs on the menu. As you agree to what should go on the list, celebrate with some chocolate-flavored strawberries or honey-coated almonds. As your sex bucket list is feeding your sense of hearing, let some aphrodisiac foods feed your sense of taste.
Agree to check something off of the list, after making your list, ASAP. Whether you've got 25 or 150 things on your sex bucket list (remember, this can always be a build-as-you-go sort of thing), once you're done and you both review it, I'm sure that there is something that you can make happen sooner than later. Make the effort of putting the list together totally worth your while by checking something off, just as soon as you can. You'll both feel a sense of achievement…and what a way to reward yourselves for putting the list together in the first place. Feel me? Somehow, I know that you do. #wink
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Here Are Some Breast Care Tips For Women In The 'Over D-Cup' Club
Even though I’ve been rockin’ an H-cup for quite some time now, it’s still funny when I haven’t seen someone in a while, and they try and not low-key gasp when they take me all in with their eyes. I get it — kind of. I mean, if the last time you saw me was when I was in my 20s, it is quite a shift that’s transpired as far as my upper region goes. Plus, whenever I look down at these bad boys, I only see half of my breasts. And since they don’t feel heavy at all (not sure why but…), it’s not until I’m in a full-length mirror that I get that they are pretty, well, let’s go with “wondrous” to behold.
I ain’t complaining. The women on my father’s side of the family bestowed them upon me. What I will say, though, is when you’re a card-carrying member of the Over D-Cup and Up Club, “to whom much is given, much is required” is quite the understatement. Over the years, I’ve had to learn how to take good and then better care of my girls. And what I’ve learned, through a bit of trial and error, are the following 15 things.
If you’re in the club with me, hopefully, you’ll learn a hack or two that can make your breasts more of a blessing and less of a burden (if that’s how they’ve been making you feel as of late).
1. Get Fitted for Bras on an Annual Basis
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Listen, again, as someone who wears a 38H, I already know that this one will probably cause some of you to roll your eyes, yet the reality is that bra experts say that we all (regardless of size) need to have no less than 4-6 bras that we rotate and then replace every 6-12 months. Can that get to be expensive? When you’ve got large girls, yes. At the same time, that’s why getting professionally fitted, yes, on an annual basis, is such a wise move.
Not only can you make sure that you are the same size as before (listen, I jumped from a C-cup to an H-cup in my 30s), but you can also discover brands that may work better for you than the ones you currently wear; ones that might be cheaper. My recommendation? Consider Wacoal. The price point is not super ridiculous; they fit comfortably, and they’ve got some that don’t look boring and bland (y’all know what I mean). Plus, you can oftentimes find pretty good sales on sites like Amazon.
2. Avoid Synthetic Bras
Before the article is over, we’ll talk about breasts and yeast infections. A few years back, I had a DOOZY of one underneath my left breast, and a part of the reason was that I was constantly wearing bras that were made out of synthetic fabrics like rayon, nylon, and spandex (or a blend) instead of “breathable bras” like cotton or silk.
We all know that bras stay on for literally hours at a time, and when you’re a D+ woman, that’s a lot of flesh that’s tucked away in them. The less sweat and moisture that’s trapped up in your bras, the more your skin will ultimately thank you for it. So, unless you’re trying to be sexy for a few minutes, leave synthetic bras alone.
3. Buy an “Asymmetrical-Friendly” Bra
I once read that a whopping 90 percent of women have some sort of “unevenness” when it comes to their breasts. Why is that the case? It’s because we all have two sides of our body that are more like sisters than twins. That’s why you might not have identical eyebrows no matter how hard you try to shape them, or one eye, hand, or foot might be slightly larger than the other.
There’s nothing wrong with any of this, yet if your breasts do have you feeling a bit self-conscious, there are some bras that are designed to give the appearance that things are “balanced out.” T-shirt bras, plunge bras, and balconette bras all fit the bill. The bra expert who helps to fit you for new bras should be able to give you some suggestions, too.
4. Pay Attention to Your (Natural) Estrogen Consumption
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Back when my breasts were “doing the most” as far as growth goes, because I was no longer in puberty, I did ask my doctor (at the time) what the hell was going on. One thing was genetics. Another? My diet. Just like birth control can make your breasts bigger due, in part, to the level of estrogen that is in them, phytoestrogens can do the same thing. What are those? In the context of what I’m talking about, they’re foods that have plant-based estrogen in them.
So, if you’re a big fan of foods like plums, pears, apples, grapes, cabbage, spinach, tofu, garlic, onions, or beans, you are taking a form of estrogen into your system — and that could be playing a direct role into why your breasts seem to be getting larger. The bottom line here? Don’t overdo anything. Keep it all in balance.
5. Always Wear a Sports Bra While Working Out
Something that I’ve had to accept over here at the big age that I am is if I want my breasts to remain looking as youthful as they did when I was in my 20s and 30s, I’m going to have to exercise more often. If you’re slowly starting to surrender to that fact as well, please make sure that you invest in a sports bra for ample support. You are going to be absolutely miserable if you’re trying to get your run on or do some push-ups if the girls are flying and flopping all over the place. If you’d like a few tips on where to get a great sports bra, check out Women’s Health’s article, “The 19 Best Sports Bras for Women With Big Boobs.”
6. Build Up Your Pectoral Muscles
Speaking of a good sports bra for exercising, no matter what size your breasts may be, they are guaranteed to lose elastin over time; that’s just the way life is. If you want to keep them looking perky — or at least, perkier — without going under the knife, developing your pectoral muscles is the way to go. If you want to incorporate this more into your own workout routine, check out Women’s Health’s “The 20 Best Chest Exercises To Add To Your Upper-Body Workouts, According To A Trainer” and Shape’s “The Best Chest Workout for Women.” I’m telling you, every time I focus on my pecs, my breasts (and bustline) always look fuller. Never fails.
7. Watch Your Alcohol Intake
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Some things aren’t shared with you in order to make you paranoid; some things are just a reminder to do (most) things in moderation. And that’s where this point about alcohol comes in. While, on one hand, alcohol comes with some health benefits (check out “10 Ways Alcohol Can Be Good For You Past A Great Buzz”), the flip side is it can increase your chances of being diagnosed with breast cancer. How? Well, alcohol can cause an uptick in your estrogen levels, and when that happens, not only could it lead to larger breasts, but there’s a chance that it could increase your chances of breast cancer, too. Again, that’s nothing to get super worried about; it’s simply something to take special note of.
8. Massage Your Breasts on a Weekly Basis
I’m thinking that you already know that you should be conducting routine breast self-examinations every 7-10 days after your period starts. Yet if you also want to improve the appearance of your breasts, performing a breast massage on a weekly basis is a really good idea, too. It increases blood flow to your breasts, helps to increase elasticity to the skin and it can also help them to sag less. Just apply a carrier oil like olive or sweet almond and gently rub in a circular motion for about half of a 30-minute sitcom. You should notice a difference in how they appear within a month or so.
9. DIY Some Cornstarch Pads
Boob sweat. Sometimes, especially during the hotter seasons, it’s unavoidable; that’s the bad news. The good news is that you can combat it naturally with the help of some homemade cornstarch pads. It’s simple. Just sprinkle some cornstarch on a few make-up pads and place the pads underneath each of your breasts after putting on your bra. Not only is cornstarch a highly effective way to absorb excess moisture, but it also contains amino acids that will help keep the collagen and elastin in your breasts strong and healthy.
10. Invest in an Essential Oil Collection
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Something that I’m super thankful for is I don’t have many stretch marks, really anywhere, but definitely not only my breasts. There’s nothing wrong with those either; all they are is the result of your skin stretching out further and/or faster than the elasticity in your skin is able to accommodate. If this is your personal testimony (especially if it’s due to pregnancy, which made your breast sizes jump a few cups), something that can help is to apply argan, lavender, neroli, pomegranate, or frankincense (that’s been mixed with a carrier oil like coconut, sweet almond or grapeseed oil) to them on a daily basis. Not only will this help with the elasticity of your skin, but it can make your breasts appear softer and more supple as well.
11. Use Hemp Oil or Mango Butter for Itchy Skin
With big breasts comes more skin to maintain. So, if itchiness is what you’re dealing with, it could be due to dry skin, eczema or psoriasis, or your breast skin stretching out. Two things that can help with any of these reasons are hemp oil or mango butter. Hemp oil can reduce skin inflammation as it deeply moisturizes. Mango butter is full of Vitamin A and fatty acids that will not only hydrate your skin, it will also soften the appearance of stretch marks and help to keep your breasts looking younger. For a lot of reasons, I’ve been a fan of mango butter for years. Personally, I like to whip up a batch of my own. You can check out a quick YT video on how to DIY some for yourself here.
12. Have Some Anti-Fungal Cream on Tap
Okay, something I must admit that I used to have a habit of doing is, whenever I would bathe or shower, although I would lift up my breasts to wash the skin that’s underneath them, I wasn’t exactly looking at what was going on under there — and I should’ve. One day, it was feeling so itchy and raw that I stood in the mirror and was damn near horrified. Why? Because I had a purple ring that was shiny and looked slightly sweaty. It was a yeast infection.
Yep, contrary to what a lot of people think, you can experience an overgrowth of yeast just about anywhere. Mine was so bad that I had to take an antibiotic to clear everything up (look up under there at least twice a week, y’all!); however, if you start to notice some itchiness or redness and your skin doesn’t look raw (just like it has some “sheen” to it), applying the same kind of antifungal that you would if you had a vaginal yeast infection can help to get rid of a breast yeast infection fairly quickly. Yep. A tube of Monistat is a must-have for women with big breasts.
13. Try Some Red Clover Extract
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Whether you’re in menopause or perimenopause, something all-natural that can help to bring some relief is red clover extract. Word on the street is that it’s great at reducing hot flashes, decreasing depression-related symptoms, and also helping with vaginal dryness — all of which can transpire as your body is shifting into menopause.
Since it’s also a solid remedy for improving the texture of both your hair as well as your skin, I just thought I would put it on record for this article too, especially if your nipples feel rougher or drier than usual.
14. Don’t Wear Bras While You’re at Home
To be totally candid, the debate of whether or not you should wear a bra is one that we’ll probably not come to a full agreement on while the earth continues to spin, especially when you’re a D-cup or above. The reason why I’m personally Team No Bra when you’re at home is because there is scientific evidence to back up the fact that, by not constantly suppressing your breasts in a bra, that can make it easier for collagen to flow through them, and that can help your breasts to ultimately look and feel firmer.
So, as long as having your girls “run wild and free” doesn’t hurt your back or feel uncomfortable, in general, give them a break when you walk in the door from work. The paranoia about that leading to sagging? You’d have to go much longer than you think (hours and hours for months on end) for that to be a major cause of concern.
15. Avoid Sleeping on Your Stomach (As Much As Possible)
Even though sleeping on your stomach may feel comfortable, did you know that it doesn’t actually have any solid health benefits to it? In fact, according to many sleep experts, other than reducing snoring, it can ultimately do your body more harm than good, especially since it has the tendency to totally throw your spine out of whack. Something else that it can do is cause your breasts' ligaments to stretch out, which, along with aging, breastfeeding, menopause, obesity, and collagen deficiencies, can also cause less firmness in the breasts. So, if you want to keep the big girls sitting up as much as possible, sleeping on your side or back is best.
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Having a lot of breasts comes with a lot, no doubt. As you can see, though, with some knowledge and implemented TLC, they can always be seen as a blessing and not a curse. Take care of your girls — you’ll never regret taking the extra steps to ensure that they are…good.
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