Is Your Relationship With Money Toxic? Here Are 6 Keys To Shift And Prosper
When Kara Stevens started Frugal Feminista, she was on a mission to offer something she didn't see enough of as a young Black woman looking to become debt-free. She'd taken her personal finance matters into her own hands, turning to library books and other free resources to get out of $65,000 in debt. "During that process, I'd found books—some written by Black women, some by white men—and they were all helpful, but I noticed that there was a dearth of literature really speaking to what Black women in their 20s and 30s were facing. I couldn't relate," she recalls.
"I began researching and implementing some of the things I learned. I wanted to broaden the discussion around what it meant to be a Black woman who is out of college, educated, looking for love, wanting to travel, and wanting to have it all, and how money plays a role in that."
Courtesy of Kara Stevens
After getting out of debt, Kara, an educator by trade, eventually moved up the ladder into administration, putting her in the club of six-figure earners. However, she found that she had some further growing to do when it came to how she approached managing her money. "I was still having a lot of anxiety around money despite being, on paper, more well-off than, say, 90 percent of average Americans. What that led to was a deeper understanding of the lessons I learned around money and self-worth in terms of asking and receiving," she says.
"[It was about] understanding the energy of being confident and assertive in a way that allows you to expect the possibilities and expect things to happen in your favor. Money is one of the values, ways, and measures of getting what you want whether it be a salary increase, starting a business or anything related to achieving something in that arena."
Below are six keys Kara found, through her own journey, in resetting her mentality about money in order to thrive:
1. Decide what you really want out of life and how money fits into achieving your goals.
It's important to explore self-reflection that will lead to decisions about your short-term and long-term goals related to what your best life looks like and how to create and sustain it. "What do you want to do with money?" Kara adds. "Do you want to travel with money? Do you want to start a business? Reflect on what your beliefs are about children, businesses, or travel, and see if they align with what you're trying to do with your money. If there's a disconnect, you're going to have a lot of difficulty in either finding the money or keeping the money in relation to achieving your goals."
2. Get to know your deep-set beliefs about money and their origins.
"Oftentimes, they're largely influenced by what your parents beliefs are," Kara explains. "In my experience, I had a lot of emotional hurdles to overcome when it came to dealing with money because growing up, I was taught that you shouldn't take risks with life, money, love—with anything."
"Even though I was able to technically get out of student loan debt, I still had this fear of being able to have a balanced approach to investing or a balanced approach to even giving myself the things I wanted."
Growing up, Kara saw a money management focus that was solely about basic needs. "Anything else was considered unnecessary. That made me a very measured and withholding person emotionally and financially, and that eventually led to having to learn more about myself in therapy."
Once she was able to pinpoint beliefs she'd carried from her childhood, she was able to form a renewed relationship with money and nurture a new mindset. "I was able to give and receive, take risks, and make my needs an important part of how I make decisions instead of looking at deprivation, hoarding, financial paranoia, and scarcity."
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3. Pinpoint how those beliefs inform the way you currently view money and how that perception affects achieving your goals.
Kara urges women to create a "family financial tree" exploring childhood memories related to money that they still hold on to in adulthood. "I grew up thinking, for example, that due to my mom's heartbreak with my dad, men are never to be trusted with money. That was a given," Kara says.
"But you have to look at that belief and analyze the validity or the universality of it to determine how useful that message is in serving you in your life goals. I know that ultimately I want to be happily married, so I had to rethink that message to create one that's more affirming, rational, and abundant."
"Not all men can be trusted with money, but the man I choose, I will trust because I trust myself to make good decisions. So, think about how you can flip that negative narrative and rewrite it to make it affirming and thoughtful and align with your goals."
4. Create a budget that incorporates your values and puts a focus on progress versus perfection.
"Having a budget that doesn't allow for fun or pleasure is not a budget you can stick to," Kara says. "Putting the pleasure element and values element in a budget is a key part to enjoying your money management and to thriving with your money."
Kara remembers a time when she was first getting out of debt and how the process was much more sustainable when she gave herself grace throughout the journey. "Sometimes you trip and fall and miss a payment or overspend, but don't take it personally. If you continue to make progress in the general right direction, you'll be OK, and you'll eventually meet your goal."
She incorporated a debt payoff strategy that allowed her to tackle each one in a particular order, gaining momentum by getting rid of them one by one. "I felt good when I was able to reduce the number of debts I had. Eliminating them made me feel good that I was actually making progress."
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5. Shift your approach to budgeting in a way that puts faith first.
"There's a place for living within your means, but the rationale behind it [is important]," Kara says. "You have to have that faith-based approach to handling money. Check in with yourself on whether the reason you're doing something is based on some type of fear perspective or more of an abundance or faith-based perspective. You have to tell yourself, 'I believe that what I'm offering is worth it,' or 'I believe that what I'm buying for myself is going to add value to my life so I'm going to do it without apology, shame or guilt.'"
6. Figure out a monthly flow for managing your funds.
"In addition to having a budget, knowing the flow of your money every month is important," Kara says. "I use a financial calendar. Sometimes you can feel that, by the end of the month, there's more month than money, and it's not necessarily that we don't have the money. It's about how we space out our spending and our savings to meet our various financial goals."
With a financial or budget calendar, you can track payment amounts and dates and estimate how much money flows in and out of your accounts on a monthly basis based on your money goals and lifestyle. You can do this the old-school pen-and-paper way, via an online spreadsheet or through handy apps that are free or downloadable for a fee.
Taking deliberate steps toward shifting how you think about money and its management can be totally life-changing and make reaching your dream life that much more believable and obtainable.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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In The Bedroom, Kelly Rowland Is A Self-Professed 'Sensualist.' That's Sexy AF
As a professional writer, I actually got my start in the entertainment industry. Between that and being somewhat of a music industry child as well (kind of a long story), I learned a long time ago not to get up in the hype of celebrity culture or to fall victim to celebrity worship. That’s why, I am very intentional about not speaking on famous people as if I know them. Whenever I do speak on them, I prefer to use what they’ve said or something that was actual news as a teachable moment — for the most part, no more, no less.
So, when it comes to Kelly Rowland, specifically, I don’t know her and won’t speak on her as if I do. What I will say is based on how she moves and interviews that I’ve caught her in, I appreciate her — and her marriage — on a few levels.
I Turn My Camera On with Lance Gross | Kelly Rowland | L/Studio created be Lexuswww.youtube.com
As a marriage life coach for close to 20 years at this point, I find her relationship with her husband, Tim Witherspoon, to be… “refreshing” is the word that comes to mind. I think that’s why I took extra special note when she said in a fairly recent interview that she considers herself, sexually, to be a sensualist. Since I deal with bedroom issues quite a bit with couples, I like how she broke the word down. I also thought that by sharing it with y’all, it might help some of you figure out how to get more of what you want from your own partner…since you might actually be a sensualist, too. Whether you know it or…not (yet).
What Is a Sensualist? Across the Board.
Talk that talk, sis. Okay, so you heard Kelly’s definition of a sensualist. That said, if you’ve ever read even a few of my pieces before, you know that I like to unpack layers of things — because most things have them. A sensualist. What Kelly said, on many levels, is right on the mark. However, let’s go a bit deeper.
By (dictionary) definition, a sensualist is someone who really enjoys pleasure and typically uses all of their senses in order to experience it. When it comes to intimacy, sensuality is a part of the reason why I write articles like “Are You Ready To Apply Your Love Language To Your Sex Life?” because if there is one act where, if you bring in sight, touch, hearing, smell and taste into the dynamic, you’re almost guaranteed that it’s not going to disappoint, it’s coitus.
Still, in order to understand what it means to be a sensualist in a sexual way, I think it’s super important to explain that it applies to your being, even before you step into the bedroom.
For instance, while reading a blog post entitled “The Hard Work of Being a Sensualist,” I really appreciated how the author said that a main mantra for true sensualists is to “live in the moment” and that you must be willing to put in the intentionality and effort to figure out who you are and what you like — and that requires a continuous level of curiosity and exploration.
Why is that so essential when it comes to sex? Because, unfortunately, we live in a culture where a lot of people think that someone is automatically “bad in bed” if they don’t know how to satisfy their partner when, the irony to all of that is, you can’t expect someone to “get you there” when you don’t even know what your foundational and innermost sexual needs are. Honestly, that’s a big part of the reason why I’m such a fan of things like sex journaling (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”) and vaginal mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”), it’s because they are practices that encourage you to become a sex student of your own self.
And here’s the thing: when you learn to slow down, be more gracious, and remain open to figuring out all of what makes you sexually tick, it causes you to extend that same kind of energy to your partner, which makes the experience so much richer — and more real. This is how a sensualist thinks.
Oh, and the “living in the moment” part? That is simply all about being present. You’re not worrying about the past (which means that, sexually, you aren’t comparing your current partner to anyone else — eh hem), nor are you preoccupied with or obsessing over the future — and that includes not worrying about if you’re gonna orgasm or not because yes, technically, even 10 minutes from now is the future. Being present is simply taking every moment that you are in IN and letting things flow naturally. This, too, is the mind of a sensualist.
And what makes it easier to be this type of individual? Kelly covered it. When it comes to sex, begin by cultivating the type of atmosphere where all of your senses are in a state of tranquility so that you’re not stressing, overthinking, or lacking self-sexual confidence (check out “10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem” and “These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More”).
This means asking yourself, “When it comes to sex, what do I like to look at? How do I prefer to be touched? What sounds do I like to hear, and how do I want to be spoken to? What scents arouse me? Do I like sexual condiments like honey, whipped cream, and fudge, or do I prefer the taste of my partner?” True sensualists make the time to ask themselves these things, figure out the answers, and then convey them to their partner. Know what else? They also make the time to ask their partner what would turn them into a sensualist as well because, remember, sensualists are curious…sensualists explore.
Now that you know what comes with being a sensualist, do you get why Kelly said that she is able to fully surrender during the act of sex because she’s a sensualist? Honestly, it speaks more to who she is as a woman than what is happening outside of her. She knows who she is, and what brings her pleasure, and she’s able to articulate that so that her sexual needs can be fully met. Excellent.
5 Ways That You Can Become a (Better) Sensualist
GiphySo, what if you’re new to the whole sensualist thing, and you’d like to get to the point and place where you can confidently profess that you actually are one? If that is indeed the case... here are five tips.
1. Learn the difference between sensual and sexy. Sexy is about something or one being sexually exciting. Being sensual is about pleasing the senses. It’s important to keep this point in mind because, even on the days when you might not feel your sexiest (or your partner might not appear his sexiest), you can still be sensual. There are always things that a sensualist can do to get into the mood — because more than just sight is involved when it comes to them. That’s a part of what makes them so dope.
2. Have “sex meetings” with your partner. Y’all be all up in your bed talking about bills and work (I really wish y’all would stop doing that, too; bedrooms should be for sex and sleep only). Why not pillow talk about sex instead? Google articles on sex and (verbally) share them with your partner. Talk about something that you recently discovered turns you on. Express what you’d like to explore more, sexually, together. A lot of us have heard that sex is the ultimate form of communication. The interesting thing about that is when it comes to their partner, so few people clearly and concisely discuss sex with them.
3. Be okay with planning sex sometimes. I promise you, I don’t get why so many folks frown on sex that’s on a schedule. Life is not a soap opera, and planning simply means that you are prioritizing. And when you prioritize, you can create the setting that you want to get all five of your senses going. You know, just recently, someone reminded me of an article that I wrote for the platform a while back entitled, “What Is 'Comfy Sex'? How Can You Get More Of It?” Yeah, to get all of what you need, sometimes you’ve got to put some forethought and execution into it. Like they say, “If you build it, they will come” — or y’all will cum (in this instance).
4. Choose to not take the joy and delight out of sex. Is this a “wild card” tip? Eh. Perhaps. It’s still relevant, though, because pleasure is defined by “joy” and “delight” and honestly, a lot of people have a ho-hum sex life because they go into it without a sense of humor, without emotionally connecting to their partner, without wanting to simply CHILL OUT to see how things go. If you’re inflexible (I mean mentally), if you’re tense, if you only have one end goal in mind all of the time (orgasm) — true sexual pleasure is going to be quite difficult for you.
5. Learn how to “be present,” in general. You can’t be all over the place in every other facet of your world and then up and think that you can be present in the bedroom on a whim. Being in the moment requires doing so all of the time. This means that you should be open to meditation, reducing screen time, deep breathing, being gentle with yourself (and others), and making peace that if you did your best, in the moment, that’s all you can do; let the chips fall where they may, chile.
See? When you take a moment to take it all in, being a sensualist is more than just a notion, and Kelly said more than just a mouthful. If you want to become a master of it in the bedroom, become a student of it in life.
So…are you a sensualist or not?
If not, when it comes to sex, imagine all of the possibilities, if you were.
Lawd…LAWD.
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Featured image by Don Arnold/WireImage