Is Your Relationship With Money Toxic? Here Are 6 Keys To Shift And Prosper
When Kara Stevens started Frugal Feminista, she was on a mission to offer something she didn't see enough of as a young Black woman looking to become debt-free. She'd taken her personal finance matters into her own hands, turning to library books and other free resources to get out of $65,000 in debt. "During that process, I'd found books—some written by Black women, some by white men—and they were all helpful, but I noticed that there was a dearth of literature really speaking to what Black women in their 20s and 30s were facing. I couldn't relate," she recalls.
"I began researching and implementing some of the things I learned. I wanted to broaden the discussion around what it meant to be a Black woman who is out of college, educated, looking for love, wanting to travel, and wanting to have it all, and how money plays a role in that."
Courtesy of Kara Stevens
After getting out of debt, Kara, an educator by trade, eventually moved up the ladder into administration, putting her in the club of six-figure earners. However, she found that she had some further growing to do when it came to how she approached managing her money. "I was still having a lot of anxiety around money despite being, on paper, more well-off than, say, 90 percent of average Americans. What that led to was a deeper understanding of the lessons I learned around money and self-worth in terms of asking and receiving," she says.
"[It was about] understanding the energy of being confident and assertive in a way that allows you to expect the possibilities and expect things to happen in your favor. Money is one of the values, ways, and measures of getting what you want whether it be a salary increase, starting a business or anything related to achieving something in that arena."
Below are six keys Kara found, through her own journey, in resetting her mentality about money in order to thrive:
1. Decide what you really want out of life and how money fits into achieving your goals.
It's important to explore self-reflection that will lead to decisions about your short-term and long-term goals related to what your best life looks like and how to create and sustain it. "What do you want to do with money?" Kara adds. "Do you want to travel with money? Do you want to start a business? Reflect on what your beliefs are about children, businesses, or travel, and see if they align with what you're trying to do with your money. If there's a disconnect, you're going to have a lot of difficulty in either finding the money or keeping the money in relation to achieving your goals."
2. Get to know your deep-set beliefs about money and their origins.
"Oftentimes, they're largely influenced by what your parents beliefs are," Kara explains. "In my experience, I had a lot of emotional hurdles to overcome when it came to dealing with money because growing up, I was taught that you shouldn't take risks with life, money, love—with anything."
"Even though I was able to technically get out of student loan debt, I still had this fear of being able to have a balanced approach to investing or a balanced approach to even giving myself the things I wanted."
Growing up, Kara saw a money management focus that was solely about basic needs. "Anything else was considered unnecessary. That made me a very measured and withholding person emotionally and financially, and that eventually led to having to learn more about myself in therapy."
Once she was able to pinpoint beliefs she'd carried from her childhood, she was able to form a renewed relationship with money and nurture a new mindset. "I was able to give and receive, take risks, and make my needs an important part of how I make decisions instead of looking at deprivation, hoarding, financial paranoia, and scarcity."
Getty Images
3. Pinpoint how those beliefs inform the way you currently view money and how that perception affects achieving your goals.
Kara urges women to create a "family financial tree" exploring childhood memories related to money that they still hold on to in adulthood. "I grew up thinking, for example, that due to my mom's heartbreak with my dad, men are never to be trusted with money. That was a given," Kara says.
"But you have to look at that belief and analyze the validity or the universality of it to determine how useful that message is in serving you in your life goals. I know that ultimately I want to be happily married, so I had to rethink that message to create one that's more affirming, rational, and abundant."
"Not all men can be trusted with money, but the man I choose, I will trust because I trust myself to make good decisions. So, think about how you can flip that negative narrative and rewrite it to make it affirming and thoughtful and align with your goals."
4. Create a budget that incorporates your values and puts a focus on progress versus perfection.
"Having a budget that doesn't allow for fun or pleasure is not a budget you can stick to," Kara says. "Putting the pleasure element and values element in a budget is a key part to enjoying your money management and to thriving with your money."
Kara remembers a time when she was first getting out of debt and how the process was much more sustainable when she gave herself grace throughout the journey. "Sometimes you trip and fall and miss a payment or overspend, but don't take it personally. If you continue to make progress in the general right direction, you'll be OK, and you'll eventually meet your goal."
She incorporated a debt payoff strategy that allowed her to tackle each one in a particular order, gaining momentum by getting rid of them one by one. "I felt good when I was able to reduce the number of debts I had. Eliminating them made me feel good that I was actually making progress."
Getty Images
5. Shift your approach to budgeting in a way that puts faith first.
"There's a place for living within your means, but the rationale behind it [is important]," Kara says. "You have to have that faith-based approach to handling money. Check in with yourself on whether the reason you're doing something is based on some type of fear perspective or more of an abundance or faith-based perspective. You have to tell yourself, 'I believe that what I'm offering is worth it,' or 'I believe that what I'm buying for myself is going to add value to my life so I'm going to do it without apology, shame or guilt.'"
6. Figure out a monthly flow for managing your funds.
"In addition to having a budget, knowing the flow of your money every month is important," Kara says. "I use a financial calendar. Sometimes you can feel that, by the end of the month, there's more month than money, and it's not necessarily that we don't have the money. It's about how we space out our spending and our savings to meet our various financial goals."
With a financial or budget calendar, you can track payment amounts and dates and estimate how much money flows in and out of your accounts on a monthly basis based on your money goals and lifestyle. You can do this the old-school pen-and-paper way, via an online spreadsheet or through handy apps that are free or downloadable for a fee.
Taking deliberate steps toward shifting how you think about money and its management can be totally life-changing and make reaching your dream life that much more believable and obtainable.
Featured image by Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
After Solo Travel Burnout, A Group Retreat In Luxury Was The Return To Sisterhood I Needed
Solo travel has been gaining in popularity among Black women for years, with many choosing to do adventures alone for various reasons. In fact, 70 percent of women, overall, enjoy solo trips. We've even shifted the landscape of travel trends and offerings, with hotels, resorts, and travel agents offering the "perfect" solo travel packages or lists of the "best places for solo travel."
I've been in a solo travel season for about seven years now, venturing out alone to see the world. I'd welcomed the solitude after years of family members flaking, showing disinterest, or simply not being able to afford to travel. It was also just what I needed after a few rough and utterly traumatic years of toxic relationships, major betrayals, and lackluster reciprocity from so-called friends.
I also fell in love during that period and was in a long-distance relationship, so I'd often solo travel to meet up with bae.
But like anything you go hard at for a long period of time, burnout soon comes knocking, and I'd recently been yearning to finally get back into connection with other women, sharing memories and experiences in a group versus just by myself.
There's something very isolating and lonely in solo traveling, and as much as I love my man, I began craving sisterhood and friendship with other women.
When I got the opportunity to experience the Fab Body Retreat—an experience for women, by women—hosted at the luxurious all-inclusive Sonesta Ocean Point Resort in St. Maarten, I more than jumped. The fitness and wellness retreat, launched by Deanna Robinson, a health and wellness advocate and entrepreneur, turned out to be just what I needed. I not only got the chance to visit an island I'd never been to but I had fun with a great group of Black women professionals and entrepreneurs.
I was able to process through the trauma, bitterness, and hurt I'd felt and get past the long-standing apprehensions I'd had about connecting personally with other women.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
A 'Royal' Introduction And Networking
The first night, we enjoyed a "Royal Dinner" where we all wore blue under the night stars and with the ocean as our backdrop. We all got a chance to introduce ourselves and enjoy Caribbean dishes including marinated snapper, rice and peas, stewed meats, and other assorted side dishes.
Mia Benjamin/@socialbymjh
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
Fitness And Fun
Initially, I was a bit apprehensive about the fitness part, as I'd been struggling to lose the same 20 lbs for the last two years. To be honest, I wasn't excited about wearing a bikini around other women, nor was I looking forward to working out at the wee hours of the morning. But I'd made a pact with myself to open up and show up. And that, I did.
The whole theme of the retreat was "Elevation," so it was important for me to look past my hangups and stretch myself to get back on track with connection, timeliness, and openness.
Bright and early on the resort's beach, we had morning workouts, strengthening our core and incorporating cardio. These workouts were scheduled into almost every day of the 4-day retreat, and it was surprisingly fun. Some of the activities were perfect for team-building and competition, reviving my love of sport and recreation. Deanna, Sihnuu Hetep, yoga practitioner and educator, Rachel Martin, co-founder of Morph Transformation Center, and M'Balia Rucker led the retreat fitness activities, adding dance and other interactive elements and making working out more enjoyable. And, of course, getting the energy from the sun and sea was a plus.
It was energizing. To see women of all shapes, ages, sizes, and levels of fitness, and to be affirmed in that diversity of capabilities was empowering and renewed my sense of optimism about restarting my wellness journey to get back into more healthy eating and exercise habits.
We also enjoyed a luxe yacht party, where we cruised the beautiful waters of St. Maarten, enjoying a special Caribbean meal of curry chicken, rice, salad, assorted juices, and unlimited mimosas. The vibes were chill, and many of us enjoyed a dip in the water or snorkeling, while others preferred chatting while sunbathing and reflecting.
I met sisters who'd traveled from Bowie, Maryland who reminded me of my own beloved aunts: one, a vibrant and accomplished saxophonist named Sharon Thomas, and another, Iris Lattimore, founder of Lattimore's Funnel Cakes. They each told me of their own experiences of traveling the world together, visiting every Caribbean island, and holding dear their sister bond, spread between their extended family in the Washington D.C.-Maryland-Virginia (DMV) area.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
Slumber And Pool Parties
The itinerary also included a slumber party, where we all wore our pajamas and sat on pillows and lounge chairs amid soothing blue tones. There were small bites available, and panelists, including licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Alicia Hodge and entrepreneurs Zakia Blain (CEO of apparel line FBF Body), Brittney Carter (founder, B. Carter Solutions), and Natalie Nicole Smith (founder, the NNAgency Inc., and NNBody), sharing their phenomenal personal experiences with loss, renewal, and growth, very fitting for the theme of the night.
I was able to open up and safely release my trauma of feeling hurt by past misunderstandings. I truly gained a sense of support from the women in the room who could relate. The environment was very respectful, and the vibes made me feel like I was among family. One common theme among all of us, from diverse industries, life experiences, and parts of the U.S., was resilience and a belief in the dynamic power of women supporting women. It was refreshing to connect with like-minded, down-to-earth individuals who are all about pouring into other women.
We also shared small Caribbean bites, coffee, and tea to complement the night's questions and confessions. Deanna urged us all to tap into how we might be elevating beyond our fears, past traumas, and even a few current challenges, which women openly shared as well in the safe space.
Janell Hazelwood for xoNecole
The final night was all about pool fun, where we played volleyball, enjoyed a DJ spinning Caribbean and Top 100 hits and live entertainment by carnival-inspired performers, and got to enjoy the night air. We all were able to simply enjoy one another's company and get one last dance and dip in the pool in before it would be time to wake up early for a final morning workout and the transportation (also included with the retreat's amenities) to catch our flights back home.
While this was a wellness retreat, there was a special mix of enjoyment where you could partake in the open bar if you wanted to or drink fresh juices and water. It didn't feel like I was forced into an extreme version of "wellness" or "fitness" and I could pace myself in order to find the right sort of balance for me.
Backdrop Of All-Inclusive Luxury
One huge part about the trip that I loved was, after years of attending conferences in the backdrop of paradise and feeling like I never got a chance to actually enjoy the environment, there was a great balance between scheduled activities and free time to develop deeper, more personal connections with self and members of the group, an intergenerational community of women ages 30 to 65.
The 130-suite adults-only “resort within a resort” has four pools (including a Seascape pool with a swim-up bar), four bars, and three restaurants, including the signature Azul restaurant, which was my favorite. It had its own private beach and a fresh-water pool that afforded me cliff-side views of the ocean.
The 24-hour room service was divine, and you could work out on your own with a view of the grounds from the state-of-the-art fitness center, open-air well-being area, and private cabanas. The resort also offered nightly entertainment to enjoy with the group and a gaming emporium, Casino Royale.
I was also able to enjoy a meal (from a local spot within walking distance outside of the resort) of curry goat and roti, one of my favorite dishes reflective of my love of Trinidadian food. The community there, from the hospitality professionals at the resort to the vacationers, was diverse. I met people from Guyana, Trinidad, Jamaica, and Europe in the short time I was there.
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, St. Maarten
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, St. Maarten
This retreat not only reminded me that sister bonds are necessary, but it allowed me to see that the past can be left there and that the present is full of opportunities to meet new, amazing women. The Fab Body Retreat was a manifestation of the founder's commitment to women's empowerment and love and was reflected in her efforts to include Black- and women-owned businesses in everything, including her gift bags (featuring items from brands Mela Vitamins, Mischo Beauty, and Vigor Roots) and contract women-owned vendors (IV Event Rentals).
It was the perfect boost of positivity and affirmation I needed to continue in my journey to heal and reconnect with the beauty of Black women's kinship and connective force.
For more information on the next Fab Body Retreat, visit their website or follow them on Instagram @fabbodyretreat.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Alvaro Medina Jurado/Getty Images