He's still in my dreams. Why do I still have dreams about him? I remember confiding to one of my friends about how my situationship that had ended. The truth was, not only was he in my dreams, but I thought about him often.
Why was it so hard for me to move on? Granted, I obsessed over why we didn't end up together. I wondered why the situationship that had once seemed so promising, didn't formulate into a real relationship. Why couldn't I get him off my mind?
Sometimes we get so caught up in wondering what we may have done wrong, we fail to see that the man we were so head over heels for was not the right person for us. If you're still holding on to a man that is simply not holding on to you, here's your sign sis, let him go. Here's how:
Stop Stalking Him
I know, I know. It's easier said than done. But riddle me this, how are you ever going to get over him if you are constantly trying to keep up with what he is doing?
The things we see, especially before bed, manifest themselves into our dreams. If you're stalking his IG, Facebook, Twitter, reading old messages, or looking at his pics before you fall asleep, of course he's going to pop up in your dreams. Some might find it a bit much to block him, but regardless of what he or anyone else thinks, you need to stop looking at his social media. And if that means blocking, welp, hit that button girl and move on.
Let's say you don't go through his social media, but he still is constantly the topic of all of your conversations. It's time to stop talking about him.
With each mention of his name in each conversation, you are only going to manifest him into your thoughts even more. Instead, spend your time talking about things that actually matter. Discuss your goals with your girls and write them out. Spend your extra time actually working towards your overall goals in life.
Becoming a better you is way more satisfying than worrying about someone who is not worrying about you.
Realize That He Just Wasn't The One
This is a very hard pill to dry swallow on an empty stomach.
Yes, it felt like you were meant to be together at times. Yes, you shared things with him. Yes, you loved him. But you were never really one. And he wasn't either.
Yes, it hurts like hell still, but acknowledging this should grant you some peace. You simply dated a man that you are no longer dating. Don't continuously punish yourself over a man who did not see all of your value and beauty; it is counterproductive to you ever moving on. Find peace in the fact that aside from emotional wounds, you are unbound to him, and free to move on to someone who sees your worth.
Reclaim Your Self-Worth And Eliminate Negative Self-Talk
When we've been hurt, we feel worthless. We do this to ourselves, and we allow other people to do it and replay these same hurtful agreements in our minds until it becomes tied to us and our own DNA.
If I was in better shape he wouldn't have left. If I was more outgoing he would have found me more interesting. If I dressed sexier, I probably could have kept his attention. If I had sex with him, he probably would still be here.
Whatever your "What if?" is, you have to let it go. There are men that will love you at your smallest and biggest. There are men that will love your quirky personality just the way it is. There is someone that will love everything about the way you dress, and be willing to wait until you are ready to be intimate.
So break those agreements you have with yourself immediately. There is someone out there who will love and accept you flaws in all. Your perceived flaws are not the problem, it's your sense of self-worth.
Nobody's perfect, but when you learn to see beauty in your imperfections, you truly win.
Everything, and I do mean everything, happens for a reason. Ultimately, if it's meant to be, you will find your way back together. My husband and I broke up in our early twenties, dated other people, and lived in two different states, but still found our way back to each other and will soon be celebrating our first year of marriage.
So if this guy is as great as you thought he was, then perhaps you will find your way back together. In the meantime, continue loving yourself, living your best life, and improving on yourself.
It is so much easier to navigate through the dating world when you know your self-worth, just remember to add tax.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
GiphyOkay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
Giphy1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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