Self-Pleasure Changed How I Experience Sex
I purchased my first vibrator from Amazon a few months ago but barely touched it. I was still a little leery about having one despite receiving a couple "welcome to the club, girl" texts from my close girlfriends. I felt that this purchase ushered me into a new level of adulthood: self-pleasure.
I used it a few times here and there, but never fully got into it – not until this fifth time. I decided to set a mood; I poured a glass of red wine and turned on my favorite sex playlist. I dimmed the lights and started slow. To spare you the details, not only was it magical (finally), but making myself orgasm changed the way I approached sex going forward.
So many of us are conditioned to believe that sex is only for the enjoyment of men, not women. We're told that if we actually enjoy sex, and choose to have it to please ourselves, we're either selfish or whores – or selfish whores. We're implicitly taught that we are merely to be of sexual service to our sexual partners.
I carried this ideology with me for most of my sexual life, feeling that my body — and ultimately, my good-good — was for the explicit purpose of birthing babies and pleasing men. So, I did just that: had sex for the explicit benefit of my sexual partner. I did what they most desired (within reason) to make them orgasm. Whatever position they wanted, they got, regardless of if it felt good to me or not. Most times, I encouraged them to climax before I even thought about getting mine.
Even my moans were manufactured to make them feel like they were doing something they weren't.
It's not that I didn't enjoy sex – some of my partners were top notch – but sex felt more like a chore than a source of pleasure. My boyfriend wanted some, so I would give it to him despite me not actually being in the mood. Even as I got older and set my own sexual boundaries, I still did so with the man as a priority. I had the p*ssy power, but was still participating for him not me.
Masturbating was different. It was the one moment that pleasure was a priority for me and not anyone else. I was doing this to make myself feel better independent of a man. I wanted to be pleased without feeling like I had to please someone else in return. I wanted to feel good, even if it meant doing so myself.
Masturbation allowed me to do what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted.
It was liberating!
But not only was this new level of self-care extremely satisfying and freeing, it also changed the way I showed up for myself sexually, which helped improve my sex life. Here's how:
I learned my body.
This is a major key. Sex videos and karma sutra books offer great tips for spicing things up in the bedroom, but the most effective way to do so is to learn your own body. Giving myself the time and opportunity to explore myself, helped me identify what truly feels good to me without being swayed by the look of pleasure on my partner's face. This helped me identify what to ask for during intercourse. While many women may despise having to "teach" their partner how to please them, masturbating gave me comfort in doing so.
Men aren't afraid to do what makes them feel good during sex, even when the position is uncomfortable for women. They know what they like and they go for it.
Having finally learned what made me feel good, I started to do the same. Before this new exploration of self, I knew what felt good to me, but I didn't know what would make me climax. I left it completely up to the guy, who didn't know himself because he was too busy trying to get his (I can't blame him for that). Learning what made me climax helped me whip out the moves my body adored. I now knew what worked for me and I would stop at nothing to get it.
I became more comfortable with my sexuality.
I was a sexual person, and was generally okay with that, but the root of my sexuality was to benefit my sexual partner – not myself. I spent countless nights reading the face of my boyfriend to see what sex move was his favorite. I committed myself to pulling out his favorite moves, but not nearly enough time trying to master mine. Part of it was because I didn't even know what mine were (see #1), but the other part was because of the common narrative that women ought to serve and please men. Exploring masturbation helped me reject those notions and settle into me, sexually.
The more I did it, the more comfortable I became with the idea of being pleased. And that idea helped me become more confident with enforcing my own sexual demands. I wasn't afraid to ask my partner to do things that I knew would please me. I grew more comfortable with trying new things to see what worked for me. I became less worried about not doing his favorite things, and more focused on creating collective pleasure.
I didn’t need a man for sex anymore.
There's nothing quite like skin-to-skin intimacy, I must admit. But learning to masturbate and please myself made it incredibly easy to cancel any man that couldn't rise to the occasion. I didn't feel the need to fake-like someone or to massage anyone's ego anymore. If all I wanted was sex, I didn't feel the need to placate to appease anyone – I could just go home and let my rabbit do its thing. I had a new sexual expectation, and if it wasn't met then it wouldn't happen again.
This gave me a level of confidence and control that allowed me to dictate when, where, and (most importantly) how sex happened.
Sex got better overall.
Knowing what I like and being able to communicate it to my partner helped improve our sexual performance drastically. It no longer felt like an item on my to-do list, rather, it was something I actually wanted to do knowing that greatness was on the other end. This not only enticed me to want to do it more frequently, but it also allowed us to be more spontaneous with what we were willing to try. I stopped settling for sex that I knew pleased him, and started encouraging my partner to rise to the occasion of pleasing me too.
Sex became so much more enjoyable and pleasurable for us both – and with us both getting ours, things got much better.
Everything I thought I knew about sex before my rabbit was disproved after I learned how to please myself. My sexual encounters post-masturbation have been heightened by self-awareness and a demand to also get what I give. I am now equally focused on being pleased as I am about doing the pleasing.
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The Reality Of Living With Severe Asthma – As Told by 2 Women On Their Disease Journey
This post is in partnership with Amgen.
The seemingly simple task of taking a breath is something most of us don’t think twice about. But for people who live with severe asthma, breathing does not always come easily. Asthma, a chronic respiratory condition that inflames and narrows the airways in the lungs, affects millions of people worldwide – 5-10% of which live with severe asthma. Severe asthma is a chronic and lifelong condition that is unpredictable and can be difficult to manage. Though often invisible to the rest of the world, severe asthma is a not-so-silent companion for those who live with it, often interrupting schedules and impacting day-to-day life.
Among the many individuals who battle severe asthma, Black women face a unique set of challenges. It's not uncommon for us to go years without a proper diagnosis, and finding the right treatment often requires some trial and error. Thankfully, all hope is not lost for those who may be fighting to get their severe asthma under control. We spoke with Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq. and Jania Watson, two inspiring Black women who have been living with severe asthma and have found strength, resilience, and a sense of purpose in their journeys.
Juanita Brown Ingram, Esq.
Juanita Ingram has a resume that would make anyone’s jaw drop. On top of being recently crowned Mrs. Universe, she’s also an accomplished attorney, filmmaker, and philanthropist. From the outside, it seems there’s nothing this talented woman won’t try, and likely succeed at. In her everyday life, however, Juanita exercises a lot more caution. From a young age, Juanita has struggled with severe asthma. Her symptoms were always exacerbated by common illnesses like a cold or flu. “I've heard these stories of my breathing struggles, but I remember distinctly when I was younger not being able to breathe every time I got a virus,” says Ingram. “I remember missing a lot of school and crying a lot because asthma is painful. I [was taken] to see my doctor often if I got sick with anything so I was hypervigilant as a child, and I still am.”
Today, Juanita says her symptoms are best managed when she’s working closely with her care team, avoiding getting sick and staying ahead of any symptoms. Ingram said she’s been blessed with skilled doctors who are just as vigilant of her symptoms as she is. While competing in the Mrs. Universe competition, Juanita took extra care to stay clear of other competitors to ensure she didn’t catch a cold or virus that would trigger her severe asthma. “I would stand off to the side and sometimes that could be taken as ‘oh, she thinks she's better than everybody else.’ But if I get sick during a pageant, I'm done. I had to compete with that in mind because my sickness doesn't look like everybody else's sickness.”
Even when her symptoms are under control, living with severe asthma still presents challenges. Juanita relies on her strong support system to overcome the hurdles caused by a lack of understanding from the public, “I think that there's a lot of lack of awareness about how serious severe asthma is. I would [also] tell women to advocate and to trust their intuition and not to allow someone to dismiss what you're experiencing.”
Jania Watson
Jania, a content creator from Atlanta, Georgia, has been living with severe asthma for many years. Thanks to early testing by asthma specialists, Jania was diagnosed with severe asthma as a child after experiencing frequent flare-ups and challenges in her day-to-day life. “I specifically remember, I was starting school, and we were moving into a new house. One of the triggers for me and my younger sister at the time were certain types of carpets. We had just moved into this new house and within weeks of us being there, my parents literally had to pay for all new carpet in the house.”
As Jania grew older, she was suffering from fewer flare-ups and thought her asthma was well under control. However, a trip back to her doctor during high school revealed that her severe asthma was affecting her more than she realized. “That was the first time in a long time I had to do a breathing test,” she describes. “The doctor had me take a deep breath in and blow into a machine to test my breathing. They told me to blow as hard as I could. And I was doing it. I was giving everything I got. [My dad and the doctor] were looking at me like ‘girl, stop playing.’ And at that point [it confirmed] I still have severe asthma because I've given it all I got. It doesn't really go away, but I just learned how to help manage it better.”
Jania recognizes that people who aren’t living with asthma, may not understand the disease and mistake it for something less serious. Or there could be others who think their symptoms are minor, and not worth bringing up. So, for Jania, communicating with others about her diagnosis is key. “Having severe asthma [flare-ups] in some cases looks very similar to being out of shape,” she said. “But this is a chronic illness that I was born with. This is just something that I live with that I've been dealing with. And I think it's important for people to know because that determines the next steps. [They might ask] ‘Do you need a bottle of water, or do you need an inhaler? Do you need to take a break, or do we need to take you to the hospital?’ So, I think letting the people around you know what's going on, just in case anything were to happen plays a lot into it as well.”
Like Juanita, Jania’s journey has been marked by ups and downs, but she remains an unwavering advocate for asthma awareness and support within the Black community. She hopes that her story can be an inspiration to other women with asthma who may not yet have their symptoms under control. “There's still life to be lived outside of having severe asthma. It is always going to be there, but it's not meant to stop you from living your life. That’s why learning how to manage it and also having that support system around you, is so important.”
By sharing their journeys, Juanita and Jania hope to encourage others to embrace their conditions, obtain a proper management plan from a doctor or asthma specialist like a pulmonologist or allergist, and contribute to the improvement of asthma awareness and support, not only within the Black community, but for all individuals living with severe asthma.
Read more stories from others like Juanita and Jania on Amgen.com, or visit Uncontrolled Asthma In Black Women | BREAK THE CYCLE to find support and resources.
The end of the year brings about a peculiar dilemma: whether to rest or “go hard” before January 1 hits.
It’s easy to feel conflicted with the notion that every year has to be ended on a “strong” note. However, when we look at the winter season as a whole, it represents a time when nature and humans slow down, embrace ease, and hide away from all the hustle and bustle of the outside world.
Winter, in particular, is a time to hibernate and draw inward — with freezing temperatures and holidays leisure time all providing us a reason to stay indoors. So, when it comes to hitting the reset button before the new year, it’s all about listening to the rhythm of the season and detaching from external influences that push grinding into the new year. And seasonal living is showing us how to do it.
What Is Seasonal Living?
Living seasonally is the practice of adapting one's lifestyle and activities in harmony with the changing seasons. This approach recognizes and embraces the natural cycles of the Earth, acknowledging that each season brings its own unique characteristics, opportunities, and challenges.
The beauty in seasonal living is how it fosters a deeper connection to the natural world and encourages us to be more attuned to the cycles of the seasons.
We can appreciate how the flowers bloom in spring, the way summer brings us warmth, how autumn is a time for harvest, and the way winter calls for restful hibernation, but we can’t have one without the other. So when winter comes, it’s natural to feel the urge to do less and power down in accordance with the time of year.
Embracing Seasonal Living In Your Lifestyle
Because every season offers something unique, embracing seasonal living can also mean adjusting one's activities, hobbies, plans, and even dietary choices based on the time of year. For instance, summer tends to be a time of eating light, with crisp salads, market fresh seafood, and vibrant cocktails, while our winter cravings typically lean on the side of being hearty, warm to the touch, and nutrient-rich diet to keep us fuller for longer.
The same can be said for how we adjust our lifestyle and daily habits. The wintertime is the perfect setting to reflect and plan. As the year comes to a close, it naturally brings up a desire to look back on our goals, and the transition from one season to the next can be a time to assess goals, make plans for the future, and appreciate the progress made.
While it’s reasonable to want to punch out a few last-minute goals from your vision board, it’s also okay to celebrate all that you have achieved and mark the rest down for top priorities to hit in the new year.
The wintertime is the perfect setting to reflect and plan.
lisegagne/Getty Images
How To Power Down For The Season:
Less Doing, More Planning.
If you didn’t hit every goal you had for the year this time around, that’s okay. All this means is that you’ve already got a headstart on what goals you’d like to tackle for next year. Living seasonally encourages mindfulness and an awareness of the present moment, so it’s less about taking more action, and more about reflecting on what actions you’d like to take in the coming year. Journal, make your vision board, and express gratitude for all that you’ve achieved this year. If no one’s told you already: girl, you did that!
Unplug.
If there’s one thing we call sharing at this point in the year, it's collective exhaustion. We’re tired, burned out, and simply want to turn our brains off for the foreseeable future. And if that’s you, give yourself the permission to do just that. Unplugging is a simple way to turn the dial down on outside noise and take your eyes off what everyone else is doing, and return them back to all the beauty in your life.
Embrace Small Gatherings.
While it may not be the best to be “outside” and partying like it's summertime, a small gathering with friends and close loved ones can be the perfect antidote to beating those winter blues. The wintertime can be a lonely time of year if you’re living alone or away from family during the holidays, but you can always lean on your immediate community of friends to create a sense of connection during this time.
Sleep A Little More.
Let’s be honest, daylight savings time has us all a little disoriented. But since we can’t fix it, we might as well embrace it. This is the time of year when listening to your body is the best way to take care of it, so if you’re feeling more tired and ready for bed at an earlier time, go for it. Take advantage of the extra hours of darkness and push your bedtime an hour or two; it could play to your benefit.
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Featured image by lisegagne/Getty Images