Self-Pleasure Changed How I Experience Sex
I purchased my first vibrator from Amazon a few months ago but barely touched it. I was still a little leery about having one despite receiving a couple "welcome to the club, girl" texts from my close girlfriends. I felt that this purchase ushered me into a new level of adulthood: self-pleasure.
I used it a few times here and there, but never fully got into it – not until this fifth time. I decided to set a mood; I poured a glass of red wine and turned on my favorite sex playlist. I dimmed the lights and started slow. To spare you the details, not only was it magical (finally), but making myself orgasm changed the way I approached sex going forward.
So many of us are conditioned to believe that sex is only for the enjoyment of men, not women. We're told that if we actually enjoy sex, and choose to have it to please ourselves, we're either selfish or whores – or selfish whores. We're implicitly taught that we are merely to be of sexual service to our sexual partners.
I carried this ideology with me for most of my sexual life, feeling that my body — and ultimately, my good-good — was for the explicit purpose of birthing babies and pleasing men. So, I did just that: had sex for the explicit benefit of my sexual partner. I did what they most desired (within reason) to make them orgasm. Whatever position they wanted, they got, regardless of if it felt good to me or not. Most times, I encouraged them to climax before I even thought about getting mine.
Even my moans were manufactured to make them feel like they were doing something they weren't.
It's not that I didn't enjoy sex – some of my partners were top notch – but sex felt more like a chore than a source of pleasure. My boyfriend wanted some, so I would give it to him despite me not actually being in the mood. Even as I got older and set my own sexual boundaries, I still did so with the man as a priority. I had the p*ssy power, but was still participating for him not me.
Masturbating was different. It was the one moment that pleasure was a priority for me and not anyone else. I was doing this to make myself feel better independent of a man. I wanted to be pleased without feeling like I had to please someone else in return. I wanted to feel good, even if it meant doing so myself.
Masturbation allowed me to do what I wanted, how I wanted, when I wanted.
It was liberating!
But not only was this new level of self-care extremely satisfying and freeing, it also changed the way I showed up for myself sexually, which helped improve my sex life. Here's how:
I learned my body.
This is a major key. Sex videos and karma sutra books offer great tips for spicing things up in the bedroom, but the most effective way to do so is to learn your own body. Giving myself the time and opportunity to explore myself, helped me identify what truly feels good to me without being swayed by the look of pleasure on my partner's face. This helped me identify what to ask for during intercourse. While many women may despise having to "teach" their partner how to please them, masturbating gave me comfort in doing so.
Men aren't afraid to do what makes them feel good during sex, even when the position is uncomfortable for women. They know what they like and they go for it.
Having finally learned what made me feel good, I started to do the same. Before this new exploration of self, I knew what felt good to me, but I didn't know what would make me climax. I left it completely up to the guy, who didn't know himself because he was too busy trying to get his (I can't blame him for that). Learning what made me climax helped me whip out the moves my body adored. I now knew what worked for me and I would stop at nothing to get it.
I became more comfortable with my sexuality.
I was a sexual person, and was generally okay with that, but the root of my sexuality was to benefit my sexual partner – not myself. I spent countless nights reading the face of my boyfriend to see what sex move was his favorite. I committed myself to pulling out his favorite moves, but not nearly enough time trying to master mine. Part of it was because I didn't even know what mine were (see #1), but the other part was because of the common narrative that women ought to serve and please men. Exploring masturbation helped me reject those notions and settle into me, sexually.
The more I did it, the more comfortable I became with the idea of being pleased. And that idea helped me become more confident with enforcing my own sexual demands. I wasn't afraid to ask my partner to do things that I knew would please me. I grew more comfortable with trying new things to see what worked for me. I became less worried about not doing his favorite things, and more focused on creating collective pleasure.
I didn’t need a man for sex anymore.
There's nothing quite like skin-to-skin intimacy, I must admit. But learning to masturbate and please myself made it incredibly easy to cancel any man that couldn't rise to the occasion. I didn't feel the need to fake-like someone or to massage anyone's ego anymore. If all I wanted was sex, I didn't feel the need to placate to appease anyone – I could just go home and let my rabbit do its thing. I had a new sexual expectation, and if it wasn't met then it wouldn't happen again.
This gave me a level of confidence and control that allowed me to dictate when, where, and (most importantly) how sex happened.
Sex got better overall.
Knowing what I like and being able to communicate it to my partner helped improve our sexual performance drastically. It no longer felt like an item on my to-do list, rather, it was something I actually wanted to do knowing that greatness was on the other end. This not only enticed me to want to do it more frequently, but it also allowed us to be more spontaneous with what we were willing to try. I stopped settling for sex that I knew pleased him, and started encouraging my partner to rise to the occasion of pleasing me too.
Sex became so much more enjoyable and pleasurable for us both – and with us both getting ours, things got much better.
Everything I thought I knew about sex before my rabbit was disproved after I learned how to please myself. My sexual encounters post-masturbation have been heightened by self-awareness and a demand to also get what I give. I am now equally focused on being pleased as I am about doing the pleasing.
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Exclusive: Kelly Rowland Dishes On The Key To A Healthy Marriage And Her Skincare "Game-Changers"
Kelly Rowland is like a bottle of the Earth’s finest wine; she only gets better with time. Even in her early forties, the Destiny’s Child member and singer has somehow found a way to age backwards, with a level of grace and class that we could only dream of. And she does so while juggling multiple hats and roles at once. In addition to giving us hits like “Motivation,” the multi-hyphenate is also a wife, actress, executive producer, and, her greatest role of all, a mother.
Always proudly doting on her two sons, Titan and Noah, Rowland shares how teaming up with WaterWipes for their Hallowclean campaign and kickoff event in New York City on October 21 was an easy choice for her—as the brand is one that she keeps stocked regularly.
“WaterWipes has been in my household for I don’t know how long. We don’t just use them for Noah; I keep them in the car and my makeup bag, too,” Rowland shares in an exclusive interview with xoNecole. “I also like the fact that they are natural. I’ll definitely have them in my fanny pack for trick-or-treating. This is Noah’s second Halloween, and I know he’s going to be excited and digging in his pail to try the different candy, and his little fingers will be messy. He’s going to want to get dirty. So, I love that WaterWipes is putting up ten Hallowclean stations across the country for parents to use; it’s such a great idea. I just love Halloween, and I really love Halloween with my kids, so I thought this campaign was a really great idea.”
Kelly Rowland and son Noah at the WaterWipes Hallowclean Machine in Brooklyn, NY.
Photo courtesy of WaterWipes.
She and her youngest son, Noah, attended the event, where the two enjoyed a day of family-friendly activities while he sported the most adorable astronaut costume. But the Spooky Szn fun doesn’t stop there for the Merry Liddle Christmas actress and executive producer.
We recently caught up with Kelly Rowland over Zoom to learn more about her Halloween (and holiday) plans, her keys to a healthy marriage, and she even dropped her go-to cold-weather skin routine—finally.
xoNecole: What are your family’s upcoming trick-or-treat plans? Will you do a fun group costume, or is everyone going to do their own thing this year?
Kelly Rowland: I’m preparing for tour, so I’ve been in rehearsals and pre-production. And my husband's schedule has picked up, too. But the kids are going trick-or-treating; we usually go with people we know, so mommy and daddy will definitely be home to take them. We’re actually letting the kids dress us up this year, which means my costume will be a complete surprise to me. I told Noah he could paint my face or even go to the costume store and pick something out—it’s literally up to them. So, I don’t know what that will be. And, right after, I’ll be back to rehearsals.
xoN: Speaking of holidays, what do you look forward to most during the season?
KR: We love having people over, especially during the holidays. It looks like we will be home this year—thank God— just enjoying each other and spending quality time together. I like to decorate the house and go completely ham; it always looks like Christmas threw up in my house. From the stairwells to the exterior of the house and the lights—everything. We go so crazy. I also love the smells, it’s one of my greatest memories with my mom, God rest her soul. So I love to play all of that up.
I like to bake something every day, I like to make sure there is something for the kids to do or make each day, we watch Christmas movies, and we even do a wine tasting sometimes. It’s just all really sweet and cozy.
Kelly Rowland and son Noah at the WaterWipes Hallowclean Machine in Brooklyn, NY.
Photo courtesy of WaterWipes.
xoN: We love that family is so important to you, and it always shows in your posts, especially those with your husband. What would you say has been that “key” to a healthy marriage as partners and spouses for you two?
KR: I would say, each of us doing the self-work. I have not seen marriages last long in my lifetime. I haven’t been given the tools to “make it last forever.” We just try to do the work on ourselves and not sweat the small stuff.
Communication is key for us, too. We communicate everything. Whether I’m upset or I’m not sure about something, I communicate it. I also just like being around him, he’s fun. He’s a really great person and makes me laugh. We can literally sit together and watch a game and not say anything. We understand what true intimacy is, and now we’re almost ten years into our marriage.
xoN: Now, Kelly, we have to ask. Skincare. What is your cold-weather routine and the products you’re reaching for as temperatures drop?
KR: Right now, I’m all about moisture. I will wash my face morning and night, I do not skip. I’m obsessed with this 111SKIN toner. It smells good, but it also feels good on my skin. There’s also this product from Vanessa Lee of The Things We Do. They are these coconut eye patches with these little beads. I place them under my eyes and around the corners of my mouth—talk about a game changer. I like to put them on at night and then rub in the extra serum all over my face. Between that and this lactic acid by Shani Darden, they are both game-changers for me this season.
xoN: So, since you’ve found the key to aging backwards, should we be on the lookout for the Kelly Rowland skincare line anytime soon?
KR: Honestly, that market is so saturated. I wanted to do it a while back, but I have to really think about what I want to bring to the marketplace to really impact culture. It’s not just about a product for me. I love the way Selena Gomez has created a community. I want to be able to create a community as well. When it’s not just about skincare, it turns into a space for people to be their most authentic selves. And that’s what I love.
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Feature image by Natasha Campos/Getty Images for Tres Generaciones
The Melanin Edit: 'Allure' EIC Jessica Cruel Is Empowering Black Women On A Mainstream Level
Jessica Cruel picked her career path in a way that one might imagine she would if she were a fictional magazine editor: She decided she wanted to be a journalist by taking a quiz.
The career quiz, which was a part of a class she was taking in high school, intrigued Cruel. Still, she knew if she were to become a reporter, it wouldn’t be for a newspaper. “I had this dream of wearing a really fly suit, living in a big city – because I’m from a small town [in] the south – [and] working in some big, fancy building,” she says. “I landed on fashion magazines.”
For her senior project, Cruel oversaw the publication of a magazine she named Onyx, including facilitating photo shoots and writing an editorial letter. Onyx, she says, was designed to serve Black teens.
Cruel became the editor-in-chief of Allure in 2021, achieving a lifelong goal after amassing the necessary tools to land the job in various roles throughout the media industry. In her current role atop the masthead of Conde Nast’s beauty magazine, she’s worked to bring the publication from “on high” and make it more accessible to readers, including Black women who look like her. She’s also worked to usher the brand into the digital era with last year’s announcement that the Allure would no longer have a print edition.
As a high school and college student, Cruel says she wasn’t ignorant of the fact that magazines weren’t very diverse. Still, she was motivated by the thought that she could contribute to changing the makeup of the industry. An internship at Self introduced her to the idea that this could be done through covering beauty.
“I was so impressed by the science of it all. It felt so accessible,” she says. “I think fashion always felt out of my reach. I’m Black. I got natural hair. I’m curvy as hell. And I’m from Georgia. I never felt like I fit into fashion, but then I got to [Self’s] beauty closet and I was like there are so many things here that I can use and that feel welcome to me. Even the people in Georgia can go to the Walgreens and get the thing that we’re recommending, for a price they can afford.”
"I think fashion always felt out of my reach. I'm Black. I got natural hair. I'm curvy as hell. And I'm from Georgia. I never felt like I fit into fashion."
Eugene Gologursky/Getty Images for Allure
Being a native Southerner who grew up in Albany, Georgia, informs a lot of Cruel’s perspective as an editor. As a Black woman working in mainstream media, she’s often worked for brands that her friends don’t read because the content feels like it wasn’t created with them in mind.
Cruel is also no stranger to working with writers who have felt their works have to incorporate explanatory commas to educate non-Black readers at the expense of alienating Black audiences. This awareness inspired Cruel to launch the Allure vertical The Melanin Edit when she was still the content director at Allure. “I just thought, my friends don’t read Allure, but they would if they knew there was a vertical just for them,” she says.
The Melanin Edit was inspired by Unbothered, a Refinery29 vertical that was created to cater to Black readers, shortly before Cruel began working at the digital publication as deputy beauty director in 2018.
This year, Cruel oversaw the launch of an inaugural live event for Allure’s signature Best of Beauty tentpole. For 27 years, readers have turned to the magazine to figure out the best beauty products. In 2023, beauty editors tested more than 8,000 products before deciding on the winning 391 items. Cruel, who says she’s been craving an opportunity to have some face-to-face time with Allure readers, sees Best of Beauty: The Live Event as a way to do just that.
Last month, celebrities such as John Legend were on hand for the event, which also featured “master classes” and a chance for readers to visit a Conde Nast magazine’s beauty closet just as Cruel did as an intern for Self.
Eugene Gologursky/Getty Images for Allure
“I believe we are doing a great service by making [Best of Beauty] modern [and] doing it in a way that can keep this legacy alive. The way it was built 27 years ago wouldn't necessarily allow it to survive and thrive in this year so we have to upgrade,” Cruel says of the event.
The beauty editor uses her social media platforms to continue this work of making beauty more accessible, especially to Black women who look like her. Recent Instagram Reels have chronicled her receiving treatments, including Hyperdilute Radiesse filler for necklines, a Pico laser to address dark spots and texture, and a Kobido face massage for an “instant flush.”
“I think every treatment people have been able to get for years, we should also be able to get, and we should be able to get safely and to our desires,” she says. “Unfortunately, the science hasn’t caught up yet to give us everything. It’s really important to me that what we convey is the safety of it all. What’s the safest way for you to get it? I’ve been turned away from treatments before, even as a beauty editor. That was many years ago, but I don’t want anyone to ever feel like that. I want them to be able to come to Allure and be like I read on Allure that this is okay for us.”
Beyond this, she’s also using her social media accounts to make the role of editor-in-chief more accessible and relatable to other thirty-something women who are navigating their own corporate jobs, as well as dating and homeownership. As much as she shows herself attending galas, she also wants to be honest about how she navigates life at the top of the masthead by going to the gym in the mornings, cooking dinner for herself at least once a week, and managing her anxiety with Lexapro.
"I think so many of us are in the same place in corporate America, finding our way, becoming bosses [and] leveling up."
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Featured image by Robin L Marshall/Getty Images for Allure