How A 90-Day Fast From Sex Helped Improve Terry Crews' Marriage
On behalf of all men, Terry Crews says--it's not us, it's them.
Ok, maybe not speaking for all men, but actor Terry Crews opened up about his epiphany on "intimacy" and guess what? It's not all about sex!
The actor who has been married to his wife, gospel singer Rebecca Crews, for over 25 years, explained why the couple went on a 90-Day sex fast, to which he came out loving his wife even more. According to Terry, the fast also included steering clear of all sexual and stimulating images (e.g. pornography), while taking it back to the basics of cuddling and courtship, with no intentions of sex thereafter. The parents of five and grandparents of one were able to talk more and relearn one another. He said:
"My wife and I, we did a 90-Day sex fast. 90 days, no sex. All relationship, all talk. All cuddle. And I found at the end of that 90 days, I was more in love, more turned on, more 'I Knew Who She Was.'And it wasn't about, "let's go out because I know I'ma get some sex later." It was like, "No, let's go [out] because I want to talk to you. I want to know you."
Terry also revealed that he feels all men are looking for a level of intimacy that stretches far beyond sex. Only thing is, fear gets in the way of allowing most men to ever reach a place of letting their guard down:
"Let me tell you, what every man has a desire for is intimacy. Intimacy is what you're looking for. You're not looking for porn--you're looking for someone to know you and love you at the same time. That's all you want. Every man out there.But [we're] scared sometimes; that's why men put up big fronts. It's all like, "Yeah, I'm the man, blah blah," but what happens is there is that moment when he's scared that if you find out who they really are, you won't want to be with him."
That's refreshing to hear. It's no surprise that absence--or in this case, abstinence--makes the heart grow fonder. Many adults, male and female, will give celibacy a shot at least once in their life. People often feel that sex, especially in a non-committed or unhealthy relationship, can cloud the mind, often getting in the way of one's productivity in both their personal life and career.
Last year, Terry also revealed that he had a bad addiction to pornography that almost ruined his marriage. Starting at the age of 12, the actor said that his addiction was the result of growing up in unhealthy living conditions, to which he turned to pornography as a means of escape from his reality. The addiction grew from watching VHS tapes in his uncle's basement to viewing online porn from his own home, creating extreme desires within Terry that he'd later want to replicate with his wife Rebecca, something that she was not always comfortable with. Terry told the Huffington Post that after seeking proper counseling, he realized pornography contributes to distorting one's perception of lovemaking, and that there is a difference between love and lust:
"I went to rehab. I was addicted to pornography.When you believe in the wrong things, all of a sudden everything in your life ends up wrong. I realized pornography is using people. You're treating people like objects. You're looking at them wrong. You're not looking at them like human beings, you're looking at them as objects to be used. And that effects everything [in] every way. The way you talk to people, you think everyone can be used. You think everyone can be manipulated, everyone can be controlled. And that is what this whole thing is about.
Once you get into love, pornography can't stay in that. When you're talking about love, porn does not exist in the world of love. There is lust and there is love. They are two different things. So I had to go into rehab."
You've got to respect when anyone--man or woman--can be that honest about their sexual encounters for the sake of hopefully helping others avoid the same mistakes in their marriage and relationship. I can especially respect Terry's willingness to attend rehab for an addiction that many others may not even realize they have too. These days, sexual images are so accessible that there is no telling how many men and women are blindly affected by it.
Have you and your significant other ever given up sex (or any other habit) and found yourselves growing closer afterward?
A modest goddess who keeps it humble between mumbles. I'm a journalism graduate with a HERstory in digital media, print and radio. Roll the credits: Power 96, VH1, xoNecole, EBONY, SOHH. Deemed "Top 20 Women in Media" by Power 105. Bronx made me, Broward raised me.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images