Here’s How To Make Morning Sex...Sexier
If you've been following this site (or reading our newsletter) for even a couple of months now, you know that we happily and unapologetically talk about sex quite a bit. If we're not breaking down things about the male and female orgasm or exploring sex positions, we're sharing insights we've gotten on oral sex or providing tips on how to have a blended, simultaneous or—our personal favorite—intensified climax. They say that she who learns, teaches. Sexually, that is a motto that we thrive by!
But if there's one thing about sex that couples tell me that they struggle with the most, it's finding the time to basically do what they do. If they've got kids, sometimes they are too exhausted, even for a quickie, by the time they make it to their own bedroom. And while morning sex sounds good in theory, between having mix-matched wake-up schedules, morning breath and, for women, a man's erection sometimes digging in their back in the most awkward kind of way—this kind of sex is not always the most sensual or seductive option to go with. (I hear you!)
Still, it's irrefutable that morning sex (even if it is a quickie) can reduce stress, give you an energy boost, improve your levels of concentration and productivity, burn a few calories and make you feel closer to your partner all throughout the day.
So, if your only real issue with morning sex is it doesn't feel all that sexy, maybe these tips will turn it into something that you're more open to trying (or trying more often)—maybe even tomorrow at sunrise.
Keep Water by the Bed
Did you know that one sign of dehydration is bad breath? If during your waking hours, you can't seem to get the "tartness" from your mouth under control, drinking more agua just might get that under control. Something else that water is able to do is wash away odor-causing bacteria; that's why it's also a good idea to keep a couple of recyclable bottles of it (because surely you're not still drinking out of plastic bottles, right?) by each bed stand. That way, if you don't want to hop out of bed to brush your teeth first, you can still get some of that stank breath handled.
And Some Altoids
Speaking of not-the-best breath, if water isn't enough, you can never go wrong with Altoids (so long as they are the minty and not sour variety). Matter of fact, if you wake up with a headache, rumor on the street is since Altoids are a mint, they might even be able to help you out with that as well. (Welp, there goes the "I've got a headache" excuse, huh?)
Also, Some Organic Baby Wipes
If this is TMI, I apologize in advance. I'm bringing it up because it's relevant to the point. There's a male friend of mine who says that he likes nothing more than going down on his lady when he picks her up from work. I don't mean once they get home; I mean right there in the car. I'll admit that there is something sexy about that, but the realist in me wonders if it's the cleanest thing on the planet to do. When I brought that up, he didn't miss a beat—"Girl, I keep a stash of baby wipes in the glove compartment."
Come to find out, he's not the only one. I read quite a few articles stating that many folks will keep some organic ones by their bedside in case they don't want to wash up before gettin' it on. So, if you want to engage your partner but you're feeling a little self-conscious, apparently baby wipes are a popular go-to solution.
Oh, and Some Lube Too
From what I've researched, a healthy virile man will have anywhere between 3-5 erections throughout the night that will last between 25-35 minutes each. As far as what causes a man to have nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT)—the technical term for "morning wood"—a man being super relaxed, him experiencing a shift in his hormones or him having an erotic dream (or rubbing against your fine self) may be the cause.
All of this can explain why your man may be up and ready to go at the crack of dawn. If you need a little more time to (no pun intended) open up to the idea, another great bed stand addition is some lube. That way, if neither of you have 20 minutes or more to get you "naturally ready", you've still got something that can help you two to comfortably speed up the process.
Get Some Blackout Curtains
Some women have told me that they aren't big fans of morning sex, not because of the sex itself, but because the light that is piercing through their windows makes them a little self-conscious when it comes to their body image. If you can totally relate, one way to workaround that is to install some blackout curtains. I got introduced to them when I went to Alaska for the first time, arrived late at night, it still looked like 5pm and the people there told me that it doesn't get completely dark during May-July. Anyway, they said what helps them to sleep are blackout curtains. I copped some when I came back home and yep, they work.
So, if it's morning, you're in the mood, but you'd still prefer for it to look like it's nighttime, you can get a pair of your own curtains that keep the light out at stores like Walmart or Target.
Turn on a Little White Noise
I typically don't have any trouble falling asleep. But I must admit that since I've been adding some white noise (noise that contains frequencies to block out "outside noise") into my sleep routine, rest has become a next level experience! What I tend to turn on are rainstorms. I adore all things rain; I really do. Although I'm currently not riding the sex train, back when I was, one of my favorite songs was "Making Love in the Rain" (what y'all know about Herb Alpert featuring Janet Jackson and Lisa Keith?!).
If you love the combination of sex and rain too, white noise can make that happen for you, even on a bright and sunny morning. Just invest in a white noise machine or there are white noise channels on YouTube can provide you rain or many other sounds too. (Just put "white noise" or "white noise for sleeping" in the search field on the site.)
Meditate Together First
If you go to your favorite search engine and look for tips on how to have mind-blowing orgasms, at least 70 percent of them are going to encourage you to breathe deeply. It's what helps you to relax your muscles, remove toxins from your body and open up your pelvic floor as well.
That's why meditation is also on this list. Even if all you do is sit up in the bed, face on another while holding hands, close your eyes and breathe in and out for five minutes, it's a great way to mentally, emotionally and spiritually (re)connect, so that morning sex will be that much more easier and intensified.
Kiss Them—Anywhere or Everywhere
Foreplay should never be totally ignored, even if you've only got 15 minutes or so for morning sex. A kiss on the back of the neck, on the chest or…shoot, anywhere can be a very sweet and sexy way to wake your partner up from their slumber. It can definitely be more enticing and arousing than your standard alarm clock.
Don’t Be “Afraid” of a Little Water Action
Even though I provided a few suggestions on how to make morning sex more pleasant without getting out of bed, please don't underestimate the joy, power and pleasure of having sex in the shower! It gets you clean (and dirty, if you know what I mean), boosts your oxytocin levels and, if you're a little on the antsy side about period sex, having it in your bathtub can help to put your mind more at ease. Shower sex really is the ultimate kind of multi-tasking!
If this is the kind of sex that you have yet to master, no worries; I've got a few tips. First, cover up your hair with a shower cap (who has time to dry and style their hair right before heading off to work?!). Second, make sure you've got a shower mat down (so that y'all aren't slippin'-and-sliddin' everywhere). Third, test the water with your hand before hoppin' in (trust me, this tip is a lifesaver!). Four, go with using some shower gel instead of a bar of soap; it's easier to apply and share (did you know that there is edible shower gel? Click here to get some). And finally, keep certain sex positions in mind—stand up while in the doggy style position; wrap your legs around your partner while your back is up against the wall, or sit on your partner while he's sitting on the edge of the tub.
As far as the shower rod goes, I'll just say that you should try that at your own risk. Some are not as sturdy as others.
Get Up Before the Kids Do
I saved this one for last because probably the most challenging thing about morning sex is deciding what you'd like more of—sex or sleep. But if the vote is sex and you've got kids in your house, the best way to get it in while being totally uninterrupted is if you get up before they do. This means that you need to set your alarm clock to wake you up earlier than your children arise not you (because usually they will beat you to the punch).
Yeah, that might mean waking up before sunrise sometimes, but if it means that you can get an orgasm or two by doing that, at least 1-3 times a month, it makes losing a little sleep worth it. Doesn't it?
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Sex Resolutions Every Married Couple Should Make
Blended Orgasms Need To Be The Next To-Do On Your Sexual Hit List
If You're In A Committed Relationship, Avoid These Sex Mistakes At All Costs
Featured image by Getty Images.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images