Off the rip, some of you may wonder what prompted me to write on a topic like this. There are two main causes for the inspiration. One, I find myself having a lot of conversations with women who can't seem to figure out, for the life of them, why sometimes their sexual experiences are the peak of pleasure while others are more on the ho-hum side. Secondly, I've read before that reportedly 46 percent of women have stated that they've always or almost always (whatever that means) have had an orgasm before while only six percent professed to it happening for them all of the time.
Because this phenomenon seems to baffle more than a few, I thought it would be a good idea to share some of the underlying causes for why climaxing may not be as consistent as you would like for it to be. First, so that you can take some of the pressure off of yourself (and sometimes even your partner) and two, through the process of elimination, you can potentially get down to the root of things, so that you can hang off of chandeliers more often than you currently are.
If there is one thing that you need to be during sex, it's completely and totally present — and that is exactly what stress prevents you from being. I'm pretty sure you know that it is extremely possible to be with someone physically and yet be somewhere totally different on the mental and emotional (more on that in a bit) tip. Thoughts being all over the place, cortisol (your natural stress hormone) levels being at their peak and you feeling worried or anxious can sho 'nuf keep you from having an orgasm. That's why it can be a really good idea to take a long bath, do some meditating, or even just light a soy candle in the scent of lavender, rose, sandalwood, orange, or jasmine (all of which are considered to be solid de-stressors) to calm down your senses.
2. An Emotional Disconnect
Contrary to what the media and pop culture want you to think, we aren't dogs or cats in heat. Sex, for humans, is supposed to be more than "getting off" — on some level, there should be an emotional connection too. That said, even if you're not planning to walk down the aisle (or you haven't already jumped the broom), ask anyone who has a sexual history and I'm pretty sure they will vouch for the fact that sex with someone you have some type of feelings for is so much more pleasurable and meaningful than someone who is nothing more than a super casual partner.
So, if there are moments when you feel disconnected from your partner when it comes to your feelings towards them, that can definitely hinder you from having orgasms because, whether you realize it or not, a wall is up, and in order to climax, you've got to feel as free and open as possible. So, if you and your partner have some issues going on right through here, that could be a huge part of the reason why orgasms aren't exactly flowing very freely.
3. It’s a Different Time of the Month
It probably comes as no shocker that a lot of women are off-the-charts horny when they're ovulating (when they're able to get pregnant) while, at the same time, they can kind of take or leave sex the week before their period (when they are PMS'ing which oftentimes includes bloating, breakouts and fatigue). Did you also know, though, that there are studies that state that many women are more interested in sex on the weekends than on the weekdays?
Sometimes, just paying close attention to your body and your calendar can help you to understand why climaxing may be easier for you on some days rather than others. That's why it's also a good idea to keep a period app on deck.
Women's Health Mag has a list of some really great ones here.
4. There’s Not Enough Foreplay
I believe I've shared before how, a wife (who is now divorced from her husband) once said to me in a session with her husband that, in order to get wet enough for intercourse, sometimes she has to use her own spit. Between her husband being somewhat sexually selfish, him not being the biggest fan of cunnilingus (although he's all about fellatio…chile. CHILE) and him believing that having a big member should be enough to keep her satisfied (check out "BDE: Please Let The 'It Needs To Be Huge' Myth Go," "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)," and "Apparently, A Certain Penis Size Can Make Us Orgasm The Most (Chile)"), his foreplay game had much to be desired.
So is the case for a lot of men because without us feeling super desired, without there being at least 10-15 minutes to literally warm us up, and without us getting/being wet enough (check out "Why You May Be Struggling With Getting "Wet Enough"), not only can it be difficult to climax, it can be really uncomfortable to have sex altogether. So, if your man is all about the "cake" without the "icing," if there is one time when that is totally his bad, this one would be it. And if, for the sake of your sex life, there is ever a time when you should let him know, now (relatively speaking) would be the time (not when you're having sex and preferably outside of the bedroom too; it needs to be a calm and loving conversation, not something that makes him feel super self-conscious).
5. Your Diet
When you get a chance, check out "So, Here's What Your Diet Says About Your Sex Life." The reality is — and this is so not a pun — when it comes to having a happy and fulfilling sex life, we really are what we eat. Too much sugar can drain your energy. Not enough fluids can affect how naturally lubricated you are. Fast food can jack up your hormones. The list goes on and on. So, if you know that you either rarely or straight up don't eat as healthy as you should, do not underestimate what that could be doing for you in the bedroom department.
And just what should you be consuming more of? Dark leafy greens are high in Vitamin E; it's a nutrient that can keep your sex hormones balanced out. Fresh fruit is loaded with Vitamin C which is great when it comes to keeping your sex hormones healthy and strong. Eggs are a good source of Vitamin B which can help to give you a lot of energy. Then there are aphrodisiacs that can make having an orgasm easier too.
Check out "Eat Your Way To Better Sex With Aphrodisiacs" and "10 In-Season Fall Foods That Are Incredible Aphrodisiacs" for a list of some of those.
6. Sleep Deprivation
You wanna know how important sex is when it comes to having a great sex life? It's so important that I wrote an entire article about it for this platform — "6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand." There are solid studies that indicate that when we (meaning women) are lacking sleep, it can significantly reduce, not just our ability to get sexually aroused but our desire to have sex at all. This is why, something that I will oftentimes mention to some of my clients is, if you seem to be screaming your partner's name in pure ecstasy while on vacation yet not very much when you're at home, it could be because you are well-rested when you're off of work. There are a billion-and-one reasons why getting no less than six hours of sleep, on a daily basis, is such a good idea. So that you're able to orgasm more is just one of them.
7. Being in the “Wrong” Positions
Back in my gettin'-it-in days, sometimes I would humor my partner and get into certain sexual positions, just because they liked it. Meanwhile, it did very little for me. And y'all, this is something that you've got to keep in mind too — which positions work for you and which ones don't, because it still rings true that around 70 percent of women still aren't able to achieve an orgasm, just with vaginal penetration alone. And what kind of positions have a pretty good reputation for making "seeing the mountaintop" a lot easier for you? Honestly, anything that makes it easy for your clitoris to be stimulating in the process of you being penetrated.
This would include spooning, your hips being on the edge of the bed so that he can easily access your clitoris, reverse cowgirl, doggy-style and, what I would call the "cat position". If you've never seen cats have sex before, it's like doggy-style only, they are on their stomach. Listen, it really can't be emphasized enough that the more your clitoris is "in the game" during intercourse, the far greater your chances will be of having, not just orgasms but blended and multiple ones too.
8. You’re Having Sex FOR Rather than WITH Your Partner
Some people are simply too selfish for a relationship; they really are. Sex isn't exempt from this particular point either (check out "Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It."). While there is something to be said for the responsibility of sex in a long-term relationship, if you find that you're having sex, mostly to appease your partner, that is the difference (to me) between having sex FOR someone vs. WITH them. And while a good lover definitely doesn't want their partner to participate in anything that is purely obligatory, the flip side to this is, how is your partner supposed to know this is how you are feeling, if you're not saying anything?
Articles like "The 'Pre-Sex Interview'. To See If You're Both In Sync." (for new relationships), "Ask These Sex-Related Questions BEFORE You Marry Him" and "9 Sex-Related Questions You & Your Partner Should Ask Each Other. Tonight." are specifically designed to encourage couples to verbally communicate their thoughts and needs, so that everyone is on the same page before getting in between the sheets. Because when you feel heard and understood that definitely makes it easier to feel…felt if you know what I mean. #wink
9. You’re Not Paying Enough Attention to Your Body
Some women feel sexier after a shave or wax. Sometimes, in order to keep your pH balance right and your vagina smelling fresh, you need to up your probiotic take. If you're not washing your underwear by hand, the harsh detergent you're using could be triggering a yeast infection and/or if you're not getting a regular dose of omega-3s in your system, that could be why you're not as naturally lubricated as you should actually be (check out "What Your Vagina Wishes You Would Do More Often").
Sometimes, a situation can trigger us which can cause a mental or emotional block of some sort and so we need to do what is known as vaginal mapping (check out "Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey"). Sometimes, there are little pieces of lint and hair that need to be cleaned out of our clitoral hood, so that it's less irritating (check out "7 Reasons You Should TOTALLY Be In Love With Your Clitoral Hood"). Then there are moments when your vagina might just be stressed the hell out and therefore, requires a bit of TLC (check out "Ever Wonder If Your Vagina Is Stressed TF Out?").
Unfortunately, some of us make the grave mistake of assuming that our vagina doesn't require as much time and attention as say, our face or skin does when that couldn't be further from the truth. The reality is, the more in touch you are with "her," the more you will know how to supply her with what she needs. That's not just good food for thought outside of the bedroom but once you're inside of it as well.
That saying "If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? There are layers to that when it applies to sex because if you and yours figure out things that work and you just keep doing the same thing(s) over and over again, that can lead to tedious repetition which is the exact definition of boredom. Sex is too dope to only think that one position, one technique, one approach that has worked for you in the past is the only one that will in the present. So, if being on top has been your "old faithful" for months (or even years) now but it doesn't seem to cultivate as much intensity as it once did, get creative (check out "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level," "I've Got 7 Hacks To Get You More Of What You Need In The Bedroom," "The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant," "10 'Weird' Things Could Actually Elevate Your Sexual Experience" and "15 Simple-Yet-Kinda-Buck Items To Take Sex To Another Level").
Your body is made to respond to more than just one approach to sex, I can promise you that. So, yourself a favor and test this fact out…tonight, so that you can find other ways to receive the orgasms that you want — and are certainly very worthy of. More than just every once in a while. (I'm sayin'...)
For more love and relationships, sex tips and tricks, and marriage advice, check out xoNecole's Sex & Love section here.
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