Quantcast
5 Affirmations To Heal From An Absent Father

5 Affirmations To Heal From An Absent Father

Yes, you have wounds, but you don't have to give power to your past.

Inspiration

I read a quote once that said, "You don't have relationship or marital issues, you have single issues." In other words, sometimes, what may appear to be an issue between you and your partner could very well be the manifestation of a deep-rooted issue from your past.

I know this all too well because there have been times – single and married – when my past has been the very thing that caused fear, worry, anxiety, and/or hesitation when it came to love, dating, and relationships.

You see - my biological father was the first man to break my heart because he was hardly, nor was he willing to be, a part of my life. Much of our relationship was comprised of lies and broken promises. I can literally count on one hand how many times I've actually ever seen him in person. Although I've done a lot to work through my feelings and the healing process, I can admit there's a direct correlation between that situation and my relationship experiences.

For many of you, like me, maybe it was an absent parent or maybe it was the lack of love you received from your mom or dad. Maybe you experienced the unbearable grief of the loss of a parent. Maybe your parents divorced or maybe you were adopted. Maybe you witnessed or experienced some type of abuse. Whatever happened, it's possible that it's causing you to feel reluctant, resistant, fearful, or even hopeless when it comes to love and relationships.

Nevertheless, I've compiled a short list of positive realizations, mantras, and affirmations because I want all of us to refuse to give power to the past that tries to keep us from the love that we deserve:

"I can only begin to heal what I’m willing to confront."

It's interesting because I thought I was pretty self-aware when I was single, but when you're in a relationship and especially when you're married, it's as if you're looking into a mirror and you can see a reflection of who you were, who you are, and who you're becoming. I definitely had to re-commit to doing more self-work not only for the sake of having a healthy marriage, but to also help heal some of my personal issues that were starting to show up as marital issues (what I like to call "red flags").

We have to be honest and transparent enough with ourselves and admit what makes us cry and what makes us angry or even bitter. I used to act like it didn't bother me knowing that my father wasn't around, but eventually I had to cry it all out and admit that I was hurt, angry, and I felt abandoned. At times, I felt bitter, but I refused to allow the bitterness to rot within me and control me.

I've had to own up to the fact that I don't always feel strong. I've had to have some tough conversations with certain people. I've had to forgive even when I didn't want to, and I've had to ask for forgiveness. I've had to ask for help, and I've even gone to therapy including couple's therapy. I've had to write and recite daily mantras to remind myself that I am enough. I've had to pray, read the Word, feed my faith, and constantly remind myself of who I am and whose I am. I have and will continue to do what needs to be done in order to heal and prevent my past from having a hold on me.

"God makes up for the losses and disappointment by providing me with what I need."

i.gifer.com

When Eric and I started dating, I quickly realized that our family dynamics were almost completely opposite. For example, he was raised in a two-parent home and he knew both sides of his family, whereas I was raised in a single-parent home and never knew my father's side of the family. That's not to say that either situation was worse or better; rather it was just different.

Nevertheless, God made it so that the man I married had a loving father, who eventually became the father-figure I never had. God not only blessed me with what I wanted in a husband, but He also blessed me what I needed as well. Can my Father-in-love (FIL) completely replace my dad? Of course not. However, because of the love that my FIL shows me, I'm able to at least experience a glimpse of what it feels like to have a dependable father. The same is true in other areas outside of marriage: God can make up for your lack of family with a group of friends who end up becoming like family.

"When it’s real love, they will love the real me...all of me."  

I can admit that I carried some baggage into the relationship when Eric and I first started dating (as did he because men carry baggage too). Some of the issues, I had pushed down so far within me for so long that I didn't even realize they existed until after I got married. Whether it was because of my childhood experiences or past relationships, there were things I was dealing with emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

It can feel a little intimidating and scary knowing that you're carrying certain burdens, because you don't know how the other person will react. However, I knew that if Eric was going to be my husband, then I had to be completely honest with him. When I was able to finally share certain things with him, my husband didn't judge me for it, and more importantly, he didn't run away simply because of it. Much of what I went through made me the woman I am today, and obviously he was in love with that woman…flaws and all.

What I loved the most was the fact that he was more than willing to help me unpack that baggage and leave it where it belonged…in the past. Consequently, our love journey has helped reveal and heal some of my deepest hurts.

Ultimately, God is the source of our peace, but I like to think that He uses my husband and I as vessels to bring about peace for and through each other. The thing about intimacy is that it takes you to a deeper level beyond just the surface. There is something undeniable and euphoric about being connected to someone in such an intimate way. I am most vulnerable when I'm with my husband. So, on those days when I don't feel like being the "strong, black woman", I don't have to be. I can just be me.

Trust that you, too, can experience intimacy on a deeper level with the person who's meant for you. It's one of the sure signs that you're meant for each other. Like they say, "If you can't be real with the one you love, then who can you be real with?"

"I will not allow my past burdens to keep me from my future blessings."

i.gifer.com

Many times, we're hesitant about opening up and experiencing new things or new relationships simply out of fear and/or frustration from past relationships and experiences. Because I experienced so much hurt in the past, I wanted to refuse to believe that a guy like Eric could be as genuine, caring, and faithful as he is.

Then, when Eric got married, the topic of starting a family became a frequent source of tension in our home. We would get into heated debates about when we should start proactively trying to conceive. I wanted to wait and I refused to get off birth control, but he was more eager to start the process. It wasn't until later when we realized that the argument was less about having kids and more about our lack of understanding each other.

After further introspection, I eventually realized that not only did I prefer to wait to have children because I wanted us to enjoy being newlyweds (which we definitely do not regret now), but I was also afraid. I was afraid that my husband was going to do to me what my father did to my mother…bail out and leave me to raise our children on my own. Plus, the fact that my father had abandoned me and I knew how hard it was for my mom who raised two children as a single parent, I subconsciously associated having children as being a "burden", whereas my husband saw it as a "blessing". I was allowing my past to dictate my present situation even though it was clear that I was with a man who truly loved me and wanted to have a family with me, and had no plans on leaving me.

Nevertheless, the thought alone overwhelmed me and triggered emotions and reactions that I had to work through. Because of that, it changed everything about our relationship in a positive way, and it yielded a greater and better understanding for both of us.

"Just because I never saw it doesn’t mean I will never experience it."

Growing up, my mom was never married, and a lot of my friends that I grew up with came from single-parent homes. Even in my personal relationships, up until when I met my husband, every guy I dated prior to him had lied, cheated, and/or did something extremely hurtful and devastating.

The good news, however, is that even though we can't change what happened in the past, we have the power to change how the future looks. Now, my husband and I get to be what I didn't always see…a loving, healthy, and happy marriage. (Note: I didn't say perfect). Just like this quote says, "Marriage is the collision of two histories, but you have to be willing to create your own history." So, that's what we're doing…breaking generational curses and creating our own history.

Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Be open to things you've never experienced before and trust that it's possible for you too based on God's will for your life.

Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here to receive our latest articles and news straight to your inbox.

Featured image by Shutterstock

Why I'll Never Call My Son My 'King' Or 'The Man Of The House'

You know that Caresha TikTok voiceover that goes, “My man, my man, my man,” and so on? Yeah?! Well, I hate to break it to you but that is how some (one too many) parents, particularly mothers, sound in regard to their sons. I’ve always found it to be weird, but I find it even more noticeable since becoming pregnant with a baby boy, likely because people keep projecting that bullshit onto me. Sidenote: I truly believe being pregnant has a way of bringing attention to the weird shit that people say so that you know who you don’t want around your child (at any given stage) or who not to take parenting advice from.

Keep reading...Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.
Tracee Ellis Ross Is All About Self-Care: ‘It’s All About Me'

Tracee Ellis Ross’ timeless beauty isn’t just in her genes, she also takes self-care seriously. If you take one glimpse at her Instagram page, you will see the actress working out, doing beauty treatments, and sharing her hair solutions with her Pattern Beauty line. From drinking lemon water to wearing little to no makeup, the black-ish star unveils all her self-care secrets in an interview with British Vogue.

Keep reading...Show less
What Your Venus Sign Says About How You Love

Your Venus sign in Astrology is your guide to matters of the heart. When it comes to Astrology and love, the first thing you want to look at when determining what is in the stars for you and your love life is your Venus sign. Your Venus sign represents how you love, your taste and aesthetics, how you express yourself when in love, and what you look for in a romantic partner. Understanding your patterns, habits, likes, dislikes, and interests in relationships can help you better align with what resonates and works for you.

Keep reading...Show less
4 Things To Know About ‘The Umbrella Academy’ Star Emmy Raver-Lampman

Emmy Raver-Lampman is one of the stars of Netflix’s The Umbrella Academy which is currently streaming its third season. The actress plays Allison Hargreeves who, along with her adopted siblings, are superheroes trying to prevent the end of the world. Each sibling has a special superpower and Allison’s gift is the ability to control someone’s actions by simply stating, “I heard a rumor that…” But who is Emmy outside of her superhero character? Get to know the 33-year-old below.

Keep reading...Show less
Big Sean Says He ‘Can’t Wait To Be A Dad’ Following News That He And Jhené Aiko Are Expecting

Congratulations are in order for Jhené Aiko and Big Sean! The couple confirmed the news that they are expecting their first child together after photos surfaced of them walking around with the singer’s belly protruding. The “Detroit” rapper took to Instagram to share his excitement about being a dad. “Can’t wait to be a Dad,” he wrote in one of his Instagram Stories. In another post, he shared, “Whole new motivation forreal. Very grateful God continues to bless us, thank you.”

Keep reading...Show less
Exclusive Interviews
A Black woman looks into the camera and gives a closed-mouth smile. She's wearing a black turtleneck

Miss Diddy Kicks Off BET Awards Weekend With 'A Toast To Black Hollywood'

Her annual event to celebrate the culture has a new name and more intention than ever before

Latest Posts