Can You And Your Ex Find Love Again After A Toxic Relationship?
After writing an article on leaving my toxic ex, I got a question that I never anticipated: What could my ex have done to get me back? I choked from laughter. There was not a damn thing he could have done.
However, the man on the other side of this question wanted an answer, expressing his desire to rekindle a relationship with his child's mother. He explained that she was single and not dating anyone and that he was a changed man. However, she made it clear there was no hope for them. Our conversation was brief, but one thing became clear: This wasn't the first person to mess up and it wouldn't be the last. The only thing he could do at this moment was to respect her wishes.
This got me thinking, was there love after toxic behavior? Yes, I believe so. This doesn't apply to everyone, specifically anyone who physically, mentally, and/or sexually abused their partner. Y'all can kick rocks.
However, some mistakes are a direct result of ignorance, while others can be linked to selfishness, greed, and ego. If you or your significant other displayed any of these behaviors, then it's time to tell the truth and own your mistakes. Next, you must accept there's no guarantee your desire to rekindle will result in getting back with your ex. Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge.
On the flipside, love isn't linear and there are plenty of happy and healthy couples that reunited after breaking up, but make sure both you and your partner meet these requirements, first.
How To Fix A Toxic Relationship
1.Change Your Mindset
If you're thinking about pursuing your ex, you must change your behavior. The same mindset won't work. This is the time to work on yourself. You've got to do more than talk, show them that you care. My suggestion? Start with figuring out the root of your issues. Perhaps, you could try therapy. It's a safe space to be vulnerable and share your thoughts and feelings without judgment. I can attest to its healing elements, which allowed me to identify traits like jealousy and residual anger that I had to release. Use your sessions to become a person you could be proud of.
2.Honesty & Transparency
An apology isn't enough. Communicate your feelings, the self-work you're doing, and your hopes for the future. Be brutally honest and don't leave anything out. It may seem weird at first, but this could be the breakthrough you're looking for.
Transparency builds trust.
3.Be Flexible
One of the biggest issues in a relationship is the inability to be flexible. Some non-negotiables need to be communicated and agreed upon. Think about some of your biggest disagreements and if it was worth it. Were you stuck on getting a certain result? Did the outcome drive you apart? Write out your list of must-haves together and compare the results. This will help both of you get clear on what's most important.
4.Listen & Learn
Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Active listening can improve your relationship because it's an emotional skill that forces you to engage. Ask your ex what they're feeling and what healing looks like to them. Don't fight them on their truth, it's theirs. Instead, listen for opportunities on how you can improve and support their boundaries.
5.Accept the Present & Move On
As I mentioned before, there's no guarantee that your desires to rekindle will result in getting back with your ex. It may be time to accept that it's over. Accept that you played a part in this outcome and now that you know better, you can do better. You have an opportunity to be more intuitive and empathetic through the lessons that you've learned.
With maturity, my thoughts on relationships have changed. I've come to find that no one is all good or all bad; they're just human. The blame doesn't fall on one person; it is a result of actions–and those not taken. If you decide to rekindle the relationship, then that's your business. Be prepared to start fresh because resentment and love can't exist in the same space. Always remember, you are enough with or without them.
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Featured image by Shutterstock.
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Ayana Iman is a certified life coach, professional speaker, and mama of one based in New Jersey. She's also known for her love of big hair, travel, and cooking. Find her across social @AyanaIman.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Will Smith Gets Candid About How His Perspective On Money Shifted After Turning 50
From The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to becoming an Oscar-winning movie star, the evolution of Will Smith has been one to watch over the decade. And now, the 55-year-old actor is sharing his newly evolved perspective on money.
In an interview with Complex, Smith was asked by host, Speedy Morman about his net worth, to which the actor replied, "I don’t even know, man. I don’t discuss such things.”
However, after further uncovering, Smith opened up about his current relationship with money after noting his journey as someone, “who's had money, lost money, then had it again, bigger than you ever imagined."
“This is the downsize phase of my life,” Smith shared. “The first half of my life was gather, gather, gather, the second half of my life is gonna be give, give, give.”
Smith shed his realization that material possessions and wealth cannot bring lasting happiness and that true satisfaction must come beyond material possessions.
“People… always have that moment somewhere around 50 where something changes,” he added. “But what happens is you just realize none of it can make you happy. Once you’ve bought everything you want and there’s literally nothing on Earth else that you want to buy, I just wish that was a gift that everybody could have because there’s nothing that material can do to satisfy you.”
The Bad Boys star went on to discuss how he’s entering a phase of life where one confronts the realization that external factors do not lead to true fulfillment, but instead through making peace with one’s inner struggles and reflections.
“I’m in that phase of my life that can actually be scary — when you realize that no relationship, that no money, that no kids—there’s literally nothing that can make you happy,” Smith shared.
He continued, “That happy is internal, full frontal contact with your dark knight of the soul and you reconcile that you gotta make happy in here — you gotta make happy in here with none of that stuff. You gotta take happy to the people you love — you can’t try to get it from them… It’s not for the faint of heart.”
During a 2021 interview with Idris Elba, Smith revealed his troubles with the IRS before landing his role on the hit TV show, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air — causing him to borrow money from his “drug dealer” friend. "So Uncle Sam wanted his money. I didn't forget—I just didn't pay,” Smith said.
"So, I borrowed $10,000 from a friend of mine who was a purveyor of neighborhood pharmaceuticals," he added, as the crowd laughed. "I borrowed $10,000 and I moved to Los Angeles,” he continued.
With so many of us seeking meaning while managing our desires for a prosperous life, it’s refreshing to hear a seasoned and respected actor share their wisdom on money and happiness.
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Featured image by Tristan Fewings/Getty Images for The Red Sea International Film Festival