So, let’s not act like a lot of us don’t send our hair and scalp through it — and I mean, through it. That’s why, I had to totally agree with an article that I recently read by a Black female dermatologist who said that a part of the reason why our demographic struggles with thin or balding edges more than any other is due to a lot of our styling choices — or, more specifically, the fact that we don’t bring balance to many of them.
Between chemicals and dyes, wigs, weaves, heat, and protective styles that are tight as all get out, traction alopecia is something that somewhere around one-third of Black women experience on some level. And here’s the thing — if you’re out here believing that it’s normal for that to be the case, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Although there are some of us who genetically have edges that aren’t as thick as others, struggling edges, more times than not, can experience some level of restoration — so long as you catch it before scarring to your hair follicles occurs.
So, let’s get to it. If you’ve noticed lately that your edges are not thriving as much as you would want them to or you simply know that you aren’t being very proactive when it comes to providing your edges with the consistent TLC that they deserve, here are 10 things that will get them on track.
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1. Lighten Up on the Ponytails
Ponytails are cute. They are also super convenient. Problem is, if you’re pulling your hair too tight, your ponytail is constantly in the same position or you’re obsessing over edge control to slick your edges down, that can lead to some level of the traction alopecia that we just talked about or the ingredients in your edge control could end up drying your edges out.
That’s why it’s a wise move to not make a ponytail your automatic go-to every single day and that you also don’t make yourself feel like you need baby hairs all of the damn time (because trust me, you don’t. Your hairstyle will be cute regardless).
2. Switch Up Your Parts
This point right here is something that I am “preaching to the choir about” because if someone is down for a middle part, it’s me. Two challenges come with parting your hair the same way all of the time, though. For one thing, that section of your hair may start to break off due to constant styling, friction, and/or exposure to the weather elements. Secondly, if you’re parting your hair in order to lay your sides down, that pretty much does the same thing as the ponytails do.
Sometimes we don’t realize that it can be easier for the rest of our hair to be thick and long(er) if we’re not combing, brushing, and slicking it down so much. A sleek part is bomb, no doubt. If you want healthy edges, though, you’ve got to bring some variation into your hair looks.
3. Stop Clogging Up Your Edge’s Hair Follicles
The pore that each of your hair strands comes out of is called a hair follicle and when it gets clogged up, that can make it difficult for your hair to thrive. As far as what leads to a clogged follicle issue, everything from too much hair product, dead skin accumulation, sweat, sebum, bacteria, and dandruff flakes can all be the culprit. Not only that but since a lot of edge control products contain alcohol, sulfates, and heavy waxes, all of this is proof of why it’s so important that you do a gentle scalp scrub on your edges — at least on wash days. The clearer your edges’ follicles are, the better off your edges will ultimately be.
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4. Pay Attention to What You’re Washing (and Toning) Your Face With
Now here’s a hack that can save a lot of people on the edge haircare tip! A lot of times, when we’re washing our face (and then applying toner, because you do that, right?), the product that we use gets into our edges. Well, based on what chemicals are in the product, that can also start to dry them out as well. Bottom line here, be hypervigilant about trying to keep as much of your face wash (and toner) out of your edges — and if some does happen to get in there, thoroughly rinse your edges and then apply some leave-in conditioner. Just to be on the safe side.
5. Keep Your Edges Conditioned at All Times
On the heels of what I just said, it’s actually a really good idea to keep your edges well-conditioned at all times, period. That said, a product that you might want to try is Grow Your Edges Back’s Leave-In Conditioner. It’s a Black-owned organic company that makes products that are specifically designed to hydrate your edges with the leave-in being one of them. You can check out a testimonial from one of their customers here.
6. Make Sure Your Edge Controls Are “Hydrated”
One more thing about hydration. If, no matter what, you are going to slick your edges down, please make sure that your edge control is well-hydrated — and by that, I mean that it’s best to get the kind that has no alcohol and as much water in it as possible. If you have no clue of where to begin your search for those, there is a list of 10 alcohol-free edge controls here.
Also, YouTube is full of naturalistas who have reviewed some of their best and worst edge control product experiences. Just a few are located here, here, and here. And please, use a soft bristle brush for the smoothing process. Your edges are far more fragile than you probably think that they are, so that boar bristle? Yeah, keep that bad boy as far away from your edges as you possibly can, chile.
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7. Gently Massage Your Edges with Peppermint and Lemongrass
Massaging your scalp is what’s going to increase blood flow to your hair follicles so that they are able to receive the nutrients that they need so that your locks grow out healthy and strong. Not only that but a scalp massage can also help to reduce stress which sometimes plays a role in hair loss. Since your edges are technically a part of your scalp, make sure to massage them (again, gently) at least 2-3 times a week for 10-15 minutes at a time.
You can also pamper them by applying a mixture of grapeseed oil (it’s a light carrier oil that’s packed with antioxidants and vitamin E) and peppermint and lemongrass essential oils. Peppermint oil is good for your edges because it literally stimulates hair growth while lemongrass oil strengthens your hair follicles and cleanses your scalp too.
8. Detox from Creating Baby Hairs (All of the Time)
I believe I’ve shared before that I have a theory about so many of our people’s obsession with baby hairs. Whether some folks realize it or not, it might be their way of trying to look like they have “good hair.” Lawd (and it truly can’t be said enough) ALL HAIR IS GOOD HAIR, so no, your edges don’t need to be fried, dyed, and laid to the side (oftentimes, quite literally) in order for your hairstyles to be cute.
That’s actually the reason why I chose the feature picture that I did for this piece. She doesn’t have any baby hairs going on. Know what she does have, though? A head full of healthy edges. Now which would you prefer?
9. Ease Up on the Friction
Friction has never been nor will it ever be your edges’ friend. So, as much as it may pain some of you to consider it, you really do need to take breaks from what may be your favorite or automatic go-to hairstyles: wigs, weaves, or even protective styles like box braids and twists. Between the rubbing that the wigs and weaves may do and the tension that comes from the tightness of certain protective styles, if you’re always rocking these looks, while some parts of your hair may be “protected,” your edges certainly aren’t.
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10. CHILL. OUT.
Shout-out to YouTuber A N G I E B E E for her get-your-edges-back video series that you can check out here. Along with this article, her channel is a reminder that even if you apply all of these tips, a great set of edges still weren’t built in a day. Because hair tends to grow, at the most, an eighth of an inch every month, you’re going to need to be patient as your hair follicles and, ultimately your hair strands, get stronger. But if you are patient, you should see real results in 2-3 months and, nice edges? That is something that’s always worth the wait.
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
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One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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