10 Habits You Should Break Before The New Year Arrives
While I'm personally not that big on making resolutions at the top of each year, I must admit that it is around the time when I tend to do a lot of self-reflecting; especially when it comes to the habits that are a part of my daily lifestyle and routine. Yeah, habits are a trip because, just like the definition of it states, if you're not paying close attention to the things that you do (and don't do), you might not even realize which practices are unhealthy, counterproductive or even straight-up harmful to your mind, body, spirit or all of the above.
Since habits are involuntary patterns, I figured that there's no time like the present to bring some really popular—and pretty bad—habits up; ones that typically are never broken because they aren't detected as easily or as much as they probably should be. With that being said, something tells me that if you make a point to remove these from your life, 2020 will be calmer, easier and so much more fulfilling than if you don't.
Are you ready to let some bad ish go so that you can start putting into practice what is truly so much better for you? Then commit to no longer participating in the following 10 behavior patterns.
10 Habits To Break Before The New Year
1. Saying “Always” and/or “Never”
When it comes to this first bad habit, I must admit that initially I was going to put down "exaggerating" instead but honestly, since using the words "always" and/or "never" are the way that a lot of us tend to do it, I'll leave the title of this point the way that it is. You might've heard somewhere that "always" or "never" never really happens and, for the most part, that is true. No one is "always" taking advantage of you and it's not the case that things "never" go your way. But if you choose to speak in these kinds of extremes, not only is it a peak form of exaggeration, it can also alter the way that you view reality.
So in 2020, why not only reserve those words for the very—and I do mean very—few times when they actually apply? That way, you'll be able to speak (more) in absolute truths so that you can make decisions from a much clearer perspective.
2. Breaking Promises
A wise person once said, "People with good intentions make promises but people with good character keep them." And just what is a promise? It's "a declaration that something will or will not be done, given, etc., by one". Y'all, when it comes to one of my absolute favorite people on the planet, sometimes we have conflict and it's really only due to one thing—they make promises and don't keep them. Although they say it's because 1) they are overwhelmed most of the time and 2) they don't want to disappoint me by not making said promise in the first place, when they redundantly break them, it tends to backfire. For one thing, it affects my level of trust in their word and them overall and two, saying "I promise" continues to mean less and less.
The way I see it, adult people are too grown to be using the word "promise" anyway. We need to be mature enough to believe that our word is our bond, period; that if we say we're going to do something—or not do something—that really is all that needs to be said.
But either way, if you have a habit of assuring people that you are going to do—or not do—a certain thing and you don't follow through, commit to building trust and strengthening your bond next year by keeping your word. It's how character is built. It really is.
3. Eating Fast Food
Last summer, I wrote an article entitled "Why You Should Consider Leaving Fast Food Alone". Some of the reasons that I shared included the fact that fast food is bad for your brain, kidneys and even your hair and skin. Although I personally don't think that it's an unpardonable sin to have a burger and fries every once in a while, if you find yourself sitting in a drive-thru three days out of every week, love your body—and budget—enough to do more grocery shopping and food preparation at home. Oh, and also do yourself a favor and check out "We Present: America's 20 Most Unhealthy Fast Food Chains". It just might surprise you what food joints actually made the list. Why sit up here and pay to get sick via your diet? Amen? Amen.
4. Getting Less than 6-8 Hours of Rest. EVERY NIGHT.
Sleep is not a luxury. I repeat—sleep is not a luxury. And that ridiculous quote, "I'll sleep when I'm dead"? Nooooo, you'll be dead when you're dead. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 3 individuals do not get enough of the z-z-z's that they need. And since sleep deprivation can lead to moodiness, fatigue, a lack of productivity, poor eating habits, a low libido and so much more, if you happen to suffer from any of these things, before you chalk it up to aging or a potential health crisis, ask yourself if you're constantly getting less than six hours every night. If you are, check out our articles like "'Team No Sleep' Is A Ridiculous Concept", "10 Simple & Effective Ways To Improve Your Quality Of Sleep" and "Meet The Mattress That's Reinventing The Way We Rest", then commit to not making anything (except perhaps a newborn) so important that you're walking around here like a zombie. It simply isn't worth it.
5. Investing More in Others than Yourself
One of the most cryptic forms of low self-esteem is when you constantly find yourself making choices that convey that everyone else's needs and wants are far more important than your own. As someone who has a spiritual gift of giving (if you've never taken a spiritual gifts test before and you want to, a test that I really like is found here), I know what it's like to not only give a lot of yourself but even enjoy doing it. But real talk, I used to give so much of my time, attention and resources away without rarely getting anything back in return that it started to make me resentful…and drained…and broke.
What did I do to change that? I made sure that I invested in myself—first. I pampered myself. I made sure to "disconnect" and recharge whenever I started to feel overwhelmed. I set aside a budget that was for no one other than myself and for no other purpose than to do fun and random things. I made time to read, brainstorm and listen to the little girl in me to make sure that she was good. All of this got my all of me to a point and place where I was able to give more freely. All because I made the choice to invest in myself.
There are two definitions of invest that I totally dig; two that I don't think get nearly as many props as they deserve. One is "to use, give, or devote (time, talent, etc.), as for a purpose or to achieve something". Another is "to furnish with power, authority, rank, etc." Whatever it is that you set out to do in 2020, don't forget to fuel your own purpose and to feed your own power. Doing that will benefit you and those around you, in the best way possible, moving forward.
6. Not Guarding Your Heart (in a Healthy and Productive Way)
Guarding your heart is biblical—"Keep and guard your heart with all vigilance and above all that you guard, for out of it flow the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23—AMPC) What I find to be so impacting about this particular Scripture is it says that life comes from "the center of our emotions" which is the definition of what the heart is. This means that we need to be intentional about who we let into our life because they have the ability to bring out good and bad emotions in us. At the same time, guarding doesn't mean that there should be such a high wall or a metaphorical barbed wire fence up that fear, bitterness or a lack of forgiveness prevents people from ever getting close to us.
At the end of the day, guarding your heart is really all about setting boundaries and honoring them. It's about knowing yourself, your triggers and your desires and needs so well that when someone comes along who unsettles your peace, you know not to let them into the "inner temple" of your feelings or your life, in general. It's not about closing yourself off so much as operating in the wisdom of who to open yourself up to. And yes, safe people do actually exist. Let discernment tell you who they are. That's a habit you won't regret further developing in the upcoming months.
7. Being Consumed by Drama—Online or Off
I'm not on social media. I haven't been for about a decade now and I have absolutely no regrets. But most social platforms even let non-members see what's going on. And if there is one hill that I'm pretty ready to die on, it's the crusade to get Black men and Black women to stop spending (or is it wasting?) so much time putting each other down. I can't tell you how many tweets and posts that I notice, pretty much on a daily basis, that totally degrade both genders. Hmph. Let me tell it, there is some PTSD from slavery that has us doing that because if anything is a superpower, it's how Black people are able to love each other.
Anyway, I try and only peek in to see what's going on a few times a week because I don't want to be consumed by all of that drama and negativity; especially since there are more and more articles creeping up like "New Studies Show Just How Bad Social Media Is For Mental Health" and "11 Ways Social Media Is Ruining Your Physical and Mental Health". So yeah, if you know that social media has you all pent up and upset, resolve to at least fast off of it more often in 2020.
As far as offline drama goes, two quotes express great points about it. One is "If you want to know, ask—don't assume. That's how drama starts." Another is "Don't start drama when you say you hate drama." Toxic people? Drama. Cyclic unhealthy relationships? Drama. Constant chaos? Drama. Nothing comes from drama but more drama. Be super vigilant in leaving all of that behind you next year.
8. Not Physically Detoxing
Here are some pretty telling signs that you need to go on a detox. You're always stressed out. You can't ever seem to get enough sweets. Your skin is a mess. You're constantly tired. Your joints ache. Your hormones are all over the place. You can't seem to sleep straight through the night. You're anxious. Your allergies are getting worse. Your immune system is weak.
If any of these things are a relentless reality for you, you'll be doing your body a real favor if you detox your system. It could come in the form of eating strictly fruits and veggies (and drinking nothing but herbal tea and water) for a couple of weeks. It could be a juice fast, a liver cleanse or a colon cleanse too. Just know that if you could use more energy, you want to reduce bodily inflammation and/or you want your digestive system to be better, detoxing once a season is the way to go.
9. Not Having a Personal and Professional Mission Statement
One bad habit that a lot of us need to break, just as soon as possible, is having a lack of focus. If this has become such an innate part of you that you're not even sure if this personally applies, here are some signs to pay close attention to—you have a hard time making decisions (and sticking to them); you struggle with completing tasks; your plans seem to be all over the place; you can emotionalize yourself in and out of just about anything and/or you constantly feel like you're doing a ton of things but still aren't really getting anywhere.
If that's you, something that can help to better center you is putting together a personal and professional mission statement. It doesn't have to be anything super long or elaborate. Just a couple of paragraphs stating what you want your personal and professional world to look like in the upcoming year. If you've never put one together before, click here for tips on how to make a personal one and here for how to make a professional one.
10. Settling
This is how much we hate the entire concept of settling over here. We've published "Self-Truths That Will Stop You From Settling For Less". We've published "7 Reasons Not To Settle In A Relationship". We've also published "No, Your Standards Aren't Too High As Settling For Crumbs Will Leave You Starved". All of these pieces point to one common belief—we are all too beautiful, valuable and purpose-filled to stay at a job that doesn't appreciate us, in a relationship that isn't going anywhere or around people who don't appreciate what we bring to the table.
It's been my personal experience and observation that settling is birthed out of fear; the fear that if we don't let go of the little that we have now, somehow we'll end up with nothing. 2020 needs to be the year that we break out of that mindset. I don't care if it's a person, place, thing or idea—if it's not bringing out the best in you, if it doesn't confirm all of the positive thoughts you think (or should be thinking) about yourself, and if it doesn't challenge you to accomplish so much more than what you currently are, you—clap—are—clap, clap—settling.
And settling is so beneath you. If you agree, this is the time to release, whatever it is you are settling for, so that you can be free, open and ready for what won't even cause you to settle in the first place. A new decade is on its way. Leave the bad habits behind so that you can receive the good!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Say These Self-Affirmations To Start Your Day On The Right Note
Wake-Up Call: Here's How To Make Your Dreams A Reality
Adopting These Habits Can Totally Change Your Life
10 Bona Fide Hacks To Add More Time To Your Day
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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I mean, you see the title. You know what it is. LOL. I will share the inspiration for this real quick before diving all the way in.
I must admit that I don’t watch The Real Housewives franchises all that much. There are several reasons why, yet the main one is there seem to be less and less actual wives on the show, so — the title is hella misleading. Sometimes, when I’m channel surfing (is it just me or does it seem like we’ve all got a ton of channels with not much merit on ANY of them?), I’ll find myself intrigued. And so, not too long ago, when the ladies ofThe Real Housewives of Potomac got into the topic of who swallows — yes, sperm and semen — Robyn Dixon copped to it while everyone else looked appalled, two things came to my mind.
One, what do women think that men go through when they go down on them? It’s not like it’s exactly the Sahara Desert down there, so how would they feel if their partner got up and “spit them out” during oral sex? And two — an article that I wrote for the platform years ago that received quite a bit of traction is “Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm” and when it comes to how good it can do your body? Sperm and semen (the fluid that carries it) are loaded with protein, reduce stress, boost moods, help with balancing hormones, and reduce inflammation, is basically a supreme multivitamin and can even extend your longevity.
Now, am I saying that swallowing is like a trip to Baskin Robbins? No. Yet, my personal opinion is that the texture/consistency, more than the taste itself, is what takes some getting used to (tell your man that water and a high vitamin C diet do indeed help in both departments). Either way, though, a lot of the…let’s go with trepidation that a lot of women have is in their mind more than anything. And besides, it’s not like there aren’t some proven hacks that can help to…“make the medicine go down” more easily.
Listen, I know that some women are never gonna be sold on swallowing. I also know that far too many men have told me that it definitely takes experiencing fellatio to an entirely different level. So, if you’re open to giving swallowing (more of) a shot, I wanted to help you out by providing some hacks that could very well…turn you into a swallowing master.
Take a deep breath. Exhale. Now let’s get into it.
1. Suck on a Mint
GiphyOkay, so if you have tasted semen (I’m gonna go with that from now on since sperm “travels” in it) before and you just can’t seem to get past how bitter or salty it is, one thing that can help is to suck on a peppermint or Altoids before the act begins. It can help to mask the taste — plus, the sensation of the menthol is something that a lot of men enjoy experiencing because it provides a sensation of coolness that, when combined with the suction sensation, is pretty incomparable.
2. Put Your Tongue Down
GiphyI’ll never forget playing a round of Never Have I Ever with some friends back in the day, and when the topic of swallowing came up, one of them said that what she does is she asks the guy to let her know (either by vocalizing it or tugging on her hair) when he’s about to cum and she puts her tongue down until/while he does. Meaning, that she stretches out her tongue and tries to lay it as flat on the bottom of her mouth as possible. What this does is prevent you from tasting most of the semen (especially since it shoots out during ejaculation at around 25-28 MPH). Again, just make sure that he gives you a heads-up. You don’t want to choke because you weren’t exactly…well, prepared.
3. Deep Throat It
GiphyAnyone who knows about Lil’ Kim (whose flow still rivals just about any and every female rapper in my opinion) and her lyrics can vouch for the fact that it’s rare when she’s not gonna find some kind of way to say “deep throat” at least once per song (LOL). For instance, I was listening to “Freaky Gurl” (featuring Ludacris and Lil' Kim) not too long ago, and yep — she talked about it. I’m thinking that most people know exactly what deep-throating is; however, just to be sure, it’s the act of taking as much of a man’s shaft into your mouth until it feels like it’s hitting the back of your throat; that way, you barely notice your partner’s ejaculate at all. Now, if you’ve got a gag reflex, the next tip is what will get you through it.
4. Tuck Your Thumb into Your Fist
GiphyDid you know that if you put your left thumb into your fist and then squeeze, it relaxes your throat? I’m dead serious. The method behind the madness is it hits the pressure point that helps to suppress your gag reflex. Might sound odd but hey — don’t knock it until you’ve tried it, chile. While we’re here, there are also throat-numbing sprays that will reduce the chances of you gagging, too. One is here. Another is here. And still, one more is here.
5. Become a Human Vacuum
GiphyThis one right here? I mean, the tip is exactly what it sounds like. The more passive you are about, umm, “receiving him,” means you will have more time where the ejaculate lingers in your mouth. On the flip side, the more intentional you are about sucking more during the time when he’s cumming, the faster it all comes out, the less you will taste anything. Oh, and LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING (and yes, I am totally yelling here!), it’s also the more you just got him to want you on a whole ‘nother level. Human vacuums change lives out here. Straight up.
6. Bring Flavored Lube into the Mix
GiphyBringing lubricant into your boudoir is beneficial on a myriad of levels (check out “The Wetter, The Better: 10 Creative Ways To Use Lubricant”). As far as giving oral sex goes, flavored lube is bomb because not only can it help your taste buds to focus on it more than semen, but if we’re gonna be real, the textures are quite similar — which, when you really stop to think about it, is proof that a lot about swallowing is all up in women’s heads because, who do you hear complain about putting lubricant in their mouth? And since the lube and semen are quite similar, if you have some lubricant in your mouth as you’re performing the act, it will make things super slippery, which is a win for him, and harder for you to detect the semen, which is a win for you.
7. Incorporate a Sex Condiment
GiphyAnd what if you’re someone who actually does loathe the taste and consistency of lube? How about incorporating what I call “sex condiments” (check out “12 'Sex Condiments' That Can Make Coitus Even More...Delicious”)? Honey. Frosting. Whipped Cream. Fruit Puree. These are just some of the things that, if you enjoy how they taste, they too can make swallowing so much more of a pleasant experience for you.
8. Keep Your Favorite Drink Beside You
GiphyBack in the day, when we had to take a medicine that we didn’t like, drinking something that we enjoyed right after helped to “wash it all down.” Along these same lines, if you’re only even merely considering swallowing in order to please your partner, keep a favorite drink on your nightstand to see how that works for you. It really will help to get the taste and texture out of your mouth rather quickly. Plus, you can look at it as a “reward” for doing an act that was so…selfless.
9. Go the “69” Route
GiphySometimes, all you need to do in order to become an expert swallower is incorporate a bit of distraction — and I’m not sure that anything tops the number (which is also a sex position) 69 when it comes to that. Listen, I wish I could find y’all the Instagram (they need to do better with their searches). I saw a few weeks ago where a sistah was talking about how she has absolutely no problem cooking at any time of the day or night for her partner. Why? “Why wouldn’t I make sure my eater eats? Are y’all dumb? It’s hard to find a good eater in these streets.” She ain’t neva lied. And when you’ve got someone who has you damn near losing your own mind — one, you want to please him back, and two, you’re usually too caught up to be focused on if he’s about to cum or not. Yeah, out of all of the hacks, this one reigns supreme. Get into that 69. Not sure how you could regret it. Him either.
10. Stop Overthinking It
GiphyTo be honest with y’all, whether you follow through on these hacks or not, nothing is going to seem like it helps if you’re constantly overthinking what the experience is going to be like. Just like overthinking, in general, causes anxiety and stress, makes it difficult for you to concentrate, results in you second-guessing your decisions, and can make you create problems that don’t actually exist — it can definitely manifest in those ways when it comes to performing and completing, fellatio. So why make things harder — no pun intended — than it has to be?
Make the decision. Stop thinking that it’s gonna be worse or more than it is. And enjoy the hacks and the experience. The more you do it, the easier it gets, and the more your man will appreciate you for it. Hands down — remember tongue down, too. #wink
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