Sometimes, I'll happen upon some data that, while it doesn't surprise me one bit, I'm grateful to share it because it helps to confirm something that I find myself saying a lot. Today, what I'm referring to is what I hear, nonstop, from husbands when I'm in a lot of my sessions. I'm pretty sure that you can tell from the title that this is in the lane of sex specifically. And y'all, if there are two things that at least 70 percent of the men I speak with say that they wish they got more of, it's — pretty sure you're not shocked by this first one — sex followed by what I don't want to give away in this intro.
You know, there are a billion articles out here that touch on things like sexual technique, toys and positions. Yet the reality is, if you really want to be considered a great lover, there is something that trumps all of this. According to men, anyway. I'll get into it now.
What Does a Man Desire More than an Orgasm?
Recently, I read an article about a study that said there is something in particular that 95 percent of men (who participated) said that they wanted more than even the pleasure that they experience from sex itself. Can you guess what it is? Drum roll, please. It's to feel sexually desired. For that to happen, they really wanted their partner to initiate sex more often.
Instantly, when I read that, I thought about another article that was published on Fatherly's site not too long ago. It's entitled, "Why Am I Always the One Initiating Sex?". It gets into some of the reasons why wives oftentimes don't take the lead in this area including men having higher testosterone levels (which can make them more "aggressive" on the sexual tip); women being conditioned to let a man make the first move; women (especially mothers) being too tired to initiate sex and, women sometimes having lower libidos, in part, because they feel exhausted (those are just some of the leading factors, by the way).
Most of y'all know that I work with married couples for a living, so yes — all of these reasons are quite viable. However, another reason that I think needs to go on record is, a lot of us don't make sexually affirming men a top priority. It's like we've got this wack mentality that, so long as we're giving him some, that should be all that he requires; when, the reality is, contrary to popular belief (or is it assumption?), men have feelings, men want to feel wanted, men don't always want to take the lead in the bedroom.
So, why don't a lot of us realize this? A point that the article I read made is, while there are plenty of studies on what women desire sexually, there hasn't always been much published data on men. Now that things are changing, we're getting to understand men more on a mental and emotional level in this lane. And according to the study, feeling desired by their partner was "very important" to 58 percent of them, "extremely important" to 20 percent and "paramount" to eight percent. Yes y'all, it's a really big deal.
To confirm what, again, I already believe to be true, I decided to ask some men who I personally know about their thoughts on all of this. If you're curious, I'll share with you what five of them said.
5 Men Tell Me How Being the “Main Initiator” for Sex Makes Them Feel
Alex. 26. Single. "I'm gonna speak freely and say that if I have to initiate all of the time, that makes me think that the woman has a sense of entitlement. Like I should be so grateful that she's willing to have sex with me that I should be willing to do all of the work. Plus, women like that tend to not do a lot in bed overall. They'll just lay there. It's a turn-off."
Zachary. 34. Married. "When my wife and I were dating, she initiated a lot. It was about two years into our marriage that it started to change. I think it's because, since we were long-distance [while dating], there was a lot of thrill and excitement. After marriage, you can easily take each other for granted. That about sums it up. When women refuse to initiate, we feel taken for granted."
Josh. 30. Single. "I thought y'all hated patriarchy? OK, so where does all of this 'it's a man's job to seduce' come in? Lawd, pick a team and stay there. Just like you want to feel like we can't wait to tear your clothes off, we want to feel the same way."
Victor. 41. Divorced. "There's never one reason why a couple calls it quits. A big part of what caused my marriage to end is my wife had the philosophy that we could have sex whenever I initiated it but if I didn't, she could easily go weeks or months without it."
"One time, I waited to see how long she could go without bringing sex up. Eight months. And even then, I had to ask her what the deal was. She just said that sex wasn't that much of a priority to her, which meant that intimacy with us wasn't, which meant that I wasn't. If you're never initiating, don't assume that your man is cool with it. I can guarantee that he's not."
Donovan. 37. Single. "How are we supposed to know how you feel about us if you never initiate? If you are fine not having sex unless we make the first move, that sends the message that either sex isn't a priority for you or that you've got someone else on the side. People initiate sex because they enjoy it. If you're in a relationship and you're not doing that, you're sending a message that you might not be aware of — but we're taking note of."
Whew. All of this loudly expresses that if you thought that not initiating wasn't all of that big of a deal, clearly it is. So, what if you're someone who knows that you're not the best at initiating sex and therefore, you're not as consistent as you could — and probably should — be about making your partner feel more desirable? What should you do?
5 Ways to Make Your Partner Feel More Desirable in the Bedroom
1. Tell Your Man What You Adore About Him. Sexually.
Question. When's the last time that you gave your man a compliment? I'm not talking about saying something just to butter him up (so that you can get something out of him) or offering an affirmation in response to something positive that he just said to you. I mean, hitting him up out of the blue, just to tell him how amazing that you think he is. OK, now when have you done that as it relates to him sexually? You know — telling him what you love about his body, what your favorite thing is about him sexually or what you enjoy the most when the two of you are intimate. Even when life gets a little hectic and the two of you aren't able to have sex right then and there, taking the initiative to verbally affirm your partner is a very powerful way to make him feel desired. It also lets him know that sex is on your mind which, oftentimes, for men, is more than enough (for a while, anyway).
2. Plan Some Sex Dates
When you get a chance, check out "When's The Last Time You And Your Man Had A 'Sex Date'?" and "Tonight's The Night For A Really Romantic Sexual Experience". After you do, did you know that it's been cited that 45 percent of couples don't go on dates on a consistent basis? So, you already know that a sex date is like a rainbow unicorn for a lot of these folks. Listen, I can't think of one man who wouldn't be absolutely thrilled — and maybe even a little bit shocked — by a partner planning a date that has strictly sex on the menu. It definitely lets them know that you want some alone time with them, not to have dinner and watch a movie either. It's to have sex. And then some more sex. Sex dates are a male fan favorite. Yes, I have polled.
3. Sext More Often
If your man, out of the blue, shot you a text that said, "Damn. You're so good in bed" or "I can't ever get enough of you", how would it make you feel? Exactly.
Sexting is definitely a form of foreplay; however, it goes a bit deeper than that. It helps to boost your partner's self-esteem. It makes him feel sexually appreciated. It lets him know that you've got him on your mind, on a sexual level, even when you're apart.
How can someone not feel desired after a few sexts have been exchanged?
4. Give Him a “Sex” Gift
Another way to make your partner feel like he is sexually wanted is to by him a sex-themed gift. Some lingerie (for you) that's in his favorite color. Some massage oil that comes with a sexy lil' note. A hotel reservation. A sex-themed board game. A sex toy. A sex pillow. You get the idea. Put it on his pillow. On the desk in his (home) office. Even better, mail it. All of us feel special when we receive a present. It goes up a notch when the present has a sex-theme attached to it.
5. When’s the Last Time You Had a Quickie?
The five men who I spoke with in this piece? Something else I asked them was how they felt about quickies. It was interesting because, while you might assume that they all were down, 4 out of 5 said that they definitely prefer longer sessions. However, when it comes to feeling more desired by their partner, what they did like about them is it sent the message of "Even if I can only have you for a moment, I'll take it. That's how much I lust you right now." Listen, I'm all about quickie sessions from time to time because it can still connect you with your partner and create a release that will help to relax you. So, whether it's as soon as you get home tonight or first thing in the morning tomorrow, initiate one of those. Your man will feel wanted, you will feel less stressed and the combo can help to make things seem so much better in the world. For real, doe.
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