George, We Are So Sorry. This WILL NOT Be In Vain.
It's amazing what the Most High prepares us for, sometimes without us even understanding why. At the top of the year, when some of the people in my world asked me what I would be focusing on in 2020, I said, "I feel the need to praise and support Black men more. That will be my mission." All this year, I've been intentional about complimenting Black men, both young and not-so-young. I've found ways to use my gifts to help them when and wherever I can. I purchased a shirt (that you can get here) that simply says, "Black Men Are Not Your Enemy" (they have one that says the same about Black women too, by the way).
And perhaps, that's why, the moment that I saw the video—the video that will be forever embedded in my brain that I will not be sharing here because I want to be sensitive to those who are triggered by such graphic visuals—I was immediately shook to the point of tears (Darnella Frazier, thank you for your courage in capturing the footage; we know things would be looking very different right now if you hadn't. We're holding you up, sis). Did I really just watch a man, yes, a Black man, die—no, be murdered—on a live video? By a cop? A cop who has a history of using "excessive force" with other civilians (and used to work with George at the same club months before. SMDH)? While three other cops watched? In front of over a dozen bystanders who pleaded with him to get off of George Floyd's neck? As George pleaded the same?
Even now, as I'm writing this, I'm having to take deep breaths because reliving what my brother—our brother—went through is gut-wrenching, heartbreaking and so hard to process, let alone digest. The pic that leads this story? It's selected by design to remind us that he lived the same regular day-to-day life that we all do. As someone who's lost a fiancée, I feel for his. Every time I read about how much of a "gentle giant" he was, I find myself getting triggered all over again. And what did he lose his life over? A freakin' counterfeit twenty dollar bill. One that Mahmod Abumayaleh—the owner of the store where George was last seen alive—said was very possibly one that George didn't even know was fake. One that, either way, shouldn't have resulted in the loss of his life. Have mercy, there are no words. Yet, I will try and find some. So that I can let those who knew and loved him know, in my own small way, that his living—and dying—will not be in vain by sharing these five points and suggestions.
Someone Just Died. Senselessly So. It's OK to Feel…However You Do.
I apologize to everyone expecting to see me on Good Morning America today, but after the events in Minnesota with G… https://t.co/U0TC3uR2g0— Ice Cube (@Ice Cube) 1590669474.0
There is no handbook for shock—or grief. That's why, there is no reason why any of us should feel apologetic about however we feel about George's death. Or how he died. With articles running like, "Prosecutor says he won't 'rush' to charge cops involved in George Floyd death", I totally get why there are Twitter posts like:
Wypipo have been brutalizing, dehumanizing, oppressing, raping, lynching, and murdering Black people in America for… https://t.co/lGJc8T462i— Bishop Talbert Swan (@Bishop Talbert Swan) 1590666990.0
It's also why I appreciate others like:
Oh, Tomi... When people feel they aren’t being heard, they get louder until you can no longer ignore them. Theyre… https://t.co/rLOejdPGZu— Meredith Lee (@Meredith Lee) 1590688695.0
And, while there are actual Black women (what in the world, Candace?! There are more than just white Karens in the world…clearly) who are posting thought-less videos about how Black people are acting like "trained chimpanzees" in response to their pain, I totally understand why actors like John Boyega are standing firm in saying things like this:
“I hate racists—with a passion.” I love seeing @JohnBoyega not only speak truth to power, but do so in such uncompr… https://t.co/fIUBVQcRo4— Jamil Smith (@Jamil Smith) 1590625500.0
Y'all, we have every right to be angry. So, for all of the folks who are using the ever-so-popular, gloss-over-the-problem phrases like, "don't hate, love", please remember that even God Himself got angry, at times. The Bible says, "Be angry and do not sin" (Psalm 4:4, Ephesians 4:26-27). The Bible also says, "SEEK JUSTICE" and "REBUKE THE OPPRESSOR" (yes, I am yelling those phrases—Isaiah 1:17).
By the way, while we're here, one definition of hate is "unwilling". It is not "unloving" to be unwilling to put up with injustice. Please let's stop it with any narrative that presumes otherwise.
Yet what gave me the extra internal push to pen this piece was when I saw videos like the one from this absolutely beautiful young Black man, Keedron Bryant, singing about being "a young Black man, doing all that I can":
And a video that was posted by the Emmy-nominated actor Asante Blackk (who played the younger Kevin Richardson inWhen They See Us), as he shared how his parents' anniversary had a bit of a dim light on it due to how "traumatizing it is, growing up as a young Black man in this country":
Both of these are a very vivid reminder that, every time a life is taken, senselessly so, it has a domino effect. And, just like it takes a village to raise a child, it takes that same village to acknowledge, to mourn, to comfort, to speak up, to defend, to rally—to do what needs to be done to bring about real and lasting change. To do so, yes, as Malcolm X once said, "By any means necessary."
I won't pretend to act like I have even an inkling of all the answers. But as so many of us are sitting in our homes, staring at our computer monitors (or smartphone screens), still in utter disbelief of what this week has brought about, I did want to share a few gentle nudges about what we all can do to keep from being stagnant in our shock, fear, confusion—or all three.
5 Ways to Get Through This Time of Injustice
1. Speak Out
God gave us all gifts and platforms. One of mine is the gift of writing. That's a part of the reason why I thought it would be a slap in the face of my Creator to not use it to say something about this horrific loss. My godchildren's mother wrote a song entitled "We Are Seeds" with a visual that addresses police brutality (and ICE). Maybe you've got a T-shirt line. Maybe you have a podcast or YouTube channel. Even if it's just your social media account, it's not enough to just talk amongst your family members, friends and co-workers.
Author Germany Kent once said, "To say nothing is saying something. You must denounce things you are against or one might believe that you support things you really do not."
Your gifts and platform aren't just for yourself or your own personal gain. You are more powerful than you know. Find a way to speak out about what has transpired—what has been transpiring among our people. Not later. As soon as you possibly can. You never know who you'll motivate and inspire to do the same.
2. Be a “Professional Student” When It Comes to Social Injustice
Something that a friend of mine and I were talking about this week is how there needs to be more leaders when it comes to social injustice and that we ALL need to be willing to become constant students of the issues that affect our community as well. I don't know about y'all, but when I was growing up, I was made to watch the Eyes on the Prize series and march on MLK Day. Ignorance about social justice and injustice was not an option. I didn't have access to the world wide web until college, but now, all sorts of information are at our constant disposal. You can immediately read articles like "Number of people shot to death by the police in the United States from 2017 to 2020, by race", "Risk of being killed by police use of force in the United States by age, race–ethnicity, and sex" and "Addressing Police Misconduct Laws Enforced by the Department of Justice", "Fighting Police Abuse: A Community Action Manual" and "Having 'The Talk': Expert Guidance On Preparing Kids For Police Interactions".
Speak with any lawyers you might know. Read about the laws in your own state. If you personally know a cop, get their insights and perspectives. Soak up as much information as you can. Then pass what you know down to your children. Knowledge will never stop being powerful. Let it fuel you.
3. Encourage Non-Blacks to Be ANTI-RACIST
You don't need me to tell you what it's like to be Black in America or what the headlines have been saying, especially as of late (RIP to you as well, Sir Ahmaud Arbery). As someone who went to a racist "Christian" high school, please believe that this has brought back all kinds of feelings of what it's like to be around people who aren't Black who think they aren't racist when…they actually very much so are. It can be very tempting to want to see all people who don't look like us as an enemy. Yet I must say that I have seen many people who aren't my ethnicity show up and show out during this time. No, it's not because they don't see color (maybe one day, I'll get into how that phrase makes me cringe); it's because they know that all hues deserve honor, respect and dignity. It's because they aren't just "not racist"; they are, as biologist Corina Newsome so powerfully, eloquently and concisely stated in a tweet a few days ago, anti-racist. They don't just think it's OK to not pre (or mis) judge someone based on their ethnicity, they encourage those around them to not be that way too.
There are articles like "Black People Need Stronger White Allies — Here's How You Can Be One", "'Unarmed Black Man' Doesn't Mean What You Think It Means" and "If You're a White Woman and You're Uncomfortable Right Now, That's a Good Thing" out in cyberspace that are sounding the alarm that racism is a human issue, not just a "non-white problem". Listen, I know that some people are intentionally ridiculous, I won't fight you on that. But others need to be educated. They need to hear our thoughts, our perspective—our history (because Lord knows that schools aren't boiling over with Black history and education). Share it.
4. Treat EACH ONE Like They’re the First One
There was absolutely no way that I was going to write without asking us all to take a moment of silence out for Ms. Breonna Taylor. A certified EMT who was killed as officers were in the midst of issuing a no-knock search warrant in a narcotics investigation. After firing 20 shots, with eight hitting Breonna, the officers "realized" they were looking for someone who was already apprehended. This happened on March 13. A lot of us didn't know about it until well into April and even May.
There has been a lot of anger surrounding the fact that, not only did it take so long for her story to become national—and even international—news, but it seems like her name is not being spoken as loudly as George and Ahmad's. I just want to take a moment to say that as a Black woman, her loss literally hits differently. She matters in a very unique and significant way. We will seek her justice, just as much, as well. Because we should never get so used to this kind of recklessness and brutality that everyone just…runs in together. Breonna, you also did not die in vain. We honor you and your legacy. We will not rest until justice is sought out on your behalf too. Rest in peace and power, sis. And Kenneth Walker—Breonna's boyfriend who fought to protect his and Breonna's life and then was unjustly arrested because of it—we appreciate you standing up for the woman you loved. That is manhood infinity. We see you. You are in our prayers.
5. Be Unapologetic About Being Revolutionary
Marc Lamont Hill recently shared his thoughts about George Floyd and the protests surrounding his death on Facebook. His message was entitled, "These Are Not Riots". I won't lie, as I was listening to some of what he said, Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" started to get louder and louder in my head.
As I watched the video, I thought to myself, "George is not a victim so much as he's a martyr." What I mean by that is a martyr is someone who endures great suffering, sometimes to the point of death, oftentimes for a greater cause than they would ever know. What happened this past Memorial Day has clearly lit a fire in so many of us that revolutions— a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure—are needed sometimes. This, fam, is one of those times.
Regardless of what your personal thoughts and feelings of Cuban revolutionary Ernesto Che Guevara may be, one thing that he said is spot-on: "If you tremble with indignation at every injustice then you are a comrade of mine." Just like each church-goer has their own way of praising the Lord, each of us have our own way of seeking justice on behalf of George Floyd and oh so many others. Let's be smart. Let's be safe. But yes, let's be radical too. Because as someone once said, "Nothing changes…if nothing changes."
George, as you cried out for your mother who passed last year in the very last moments of life, I truly believe that angels came to comfort you. I don't know one person, personally, who is not grieving along with your family that remains. Although it's not enough to say, we are so very sorry. Yet please know that this is not a passing news story for the Black community. This has raised a righteous anger and awareness in us that will not leave us any time soon. A change is gonna come. A revolution is in motion. You did not die in vain. From the depths of my heart, I can promise you that. Rest now. We've got you—and Ahmad, Breonna, Tamir, Alton, Sean, Atatiana, Philando, Korryn, Mike, Trayvon and…
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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I thought my friendships in my thirties would look like an episode of Girlfriendsor Living Single. That we’d be meeting up, getting drinks at a sexy local bar, having dinner together in each other's homes, and taking trips like the Housewives shows we’d watched since we were teenagers. My reality has been the polar opposite of that. My friendships have changed drastically and for a while, I felt like I was on my own.
In my mid-twenties, I started going to therapy, started a business that took off, and I started setting boundaries about how I wanted to be treated as a person. From there some friendships changed drastically, for better and worse. Friends who couldn’t understand or accept the new me were removed, and drifted off, and then there were beautiful changes that put distance between my friends and me. My best friend married and had children young, college friends moved away, job offers took other friends across the country, and I found myself face to face with a form of loneliness that I’d never experienced.
In my thirties, I started asking myself questions about what my friendships would look like, if these changes in dynamics would just be my new normal, or if I would find a new set of girlfriends that I could do life with.
Don’t get me wrong, do my friends call me? Yes. Do they check on me? Yes. Are they cheering the loudest for me with every win? Absolutely, but I also can’t tell you the last time we met up for drinks or if we’ve ever taken the girls' trip we’ve been talking about for the past decade. For some time, I thought perhaps this was the trade-off for choosing a different path, not being able to have friends in this phase of life, or that at some point I’d create a new friend group, and while I pray for the latter, discussions with women who were experiencing similar shifts showed me that we all are no longer relatable in some way to your friends.
Whether you’re the friend who got married early, embarked on a healing journey, started a thriving business, moved away from your small town, or are at a low point in life and can’t relate because you’re the friend struggling - we’re all experiencing some form of a shift in our friendships. Digger deeper into this subject matter with women from all across the country, I’ve discovered that we are not alone and we are all experiencing loneliness and transition.
1.There is a need for friends who get that life is a juggling act.
"I've always been obsessed with the idea of sisterhood. My mom is one of 10 children five boys, five girls so I had a lot of aunts that were around growing up. My mom had the same two best friends since she was like in high school in her early 20s, so I just thought like oh I'm gonna go to college and you know I'm gonna find these lifelong friends. I joined a sorority and other organizations where friendship and companionship was at the helm of that and I think you know fast forward to me graduating college, and starting life as an adult away from a lot of those friendships that I created, I realized adulthood is extremely lonely.
"Navigating friendships in your 20s versus your 30s is like comparing apples and oranges, seriously. In my 20s, it was all about exploration – career, relationships, you name it. We were all on different paths, some searching for love, others for adventure, and a few just figuring out what they wanted. I was right there with them, soaking up every moment of freedom and self-discovery. I don’t think that exploration stops in your 30’s but the tools you need and the paths you need to take are a lot clearer.
"Personally, things shifted fast for me in my 30s. I welcomed a child, got engaged, and suddenly, priorities were rearranged quicker than you can say 'adulting.' Self-awareness kicked in, and I realized I needed friends who were on the same page – willing to grow, heal, and understand the complexities of life. Nowadays, it's all about quality over quantity. I've trimmed down my circle to those who bring joy, understanding, and, most importantly, reciprocity. Yeah, it was tough saying goodbye to some old friends, but it had to be done for my own peace of mind.
"In this crazy world where time is the most precious commodity, I'm all about spending it with those who uplift and support me – friends who get that life's a juggling act and offer grace when needed."
- Leticia Owens, 34, Las Vegas, Nevada
2.There is a maturity that either brings friends together or takes them apart.
"As someone who has traversed most of my thirties now, what I’ve really seen from 30 to almost 38 is the cycling of friendships that can sometimes happen when people have different commitments to their own personal growth. I think some of the friendships that I have chosen to leave behind in my earlier thirties were a result of that person not pulling their weight in the relationship from the perspective of not even seeing how their behavior plays a role in the dynamic and how hurtful it might be.
"Some people come to that at a young age and even in their twenties, but some people take longer. There’s an emotional and relational maturity that either brings people together or brings about separation. Your thirties can bring about a lot of changes to friendships, marriage, children, helping your parents if they’re older and now need assistance financially, all of the other relationships have an impact on our relationships."
- Allie, 38, California
3.There's a knowing that motherhood changes how you maintain and make connections.
"I was a new mother at 21, trying to figure out my relationship, navigate a career, and figure out my life so I had to adjust quickly. In my twenties, I partied hard and at one point with the clothes that I had on the day before to make sure I got dressed up at work. I enjoyed my life and when I decided I was gonna be a mom and wife, I didn’t think about if I was gonna miss this life, it was like time to shift gears. I was clubbing because I was tryna run from shit. I don’t have a life that I have to run from anymore.
"As you start to evolve in your life and then your relationships shift, you wanna still keep the connection but at some point, for different friends, you don’t evolve with them. But at times making new friends is just as hard so you’d rather stay stagnant with the people that are already there. It’s not as easy. Then you’re making friends with moms because your kids want to have playdates so you’re entering into a dynamic with this person for your kids, not because it’s a genuine connection.
"I also think that it’s ironic because the same feelings that your single friends are having about not being able to have fun with you, that feeling of emptiness there is twofold. I’m a mom but I’m a person first. I’m now married with three kids and now my friends are having children too so I’m watching my friends struggle with motherhood and they don’t always come to me for advice. But as they evolve as mothers they have a level of understanding for the shit that I went through.
"Granted I sacrificed to be a young mother, but I was also able to excel in my career and go back to school with the help of my husband. He's an amazing dad and partner and with him, I know I know if I drop the ball, he’s catching it."
- Tania, 31, New Jersey
4.There is a coming into yourself that causes you to release what no longer aligns.
"Friendships change because you begin to come into yourself. You begin to understand that you're an individual that has your own needs, values, likes, wants, etc. and those friendships that were cultivated in high school and college are often no longer aligned with who you want to be. And unfortunately what happens is that we start to break away from the old versions of ourselves and what the people who love us expected us to be.
"My relationships started to change when I stopped pleasing people and I asked myself if was I still friends with this person based on the length of time that we’ve been friends, rather than was this person in alignment with what I wanted out of life."
- Brittany, 31, New York City
5.There is a need for more grace as you grow and evolve.
"We don’t extend enough grace to our friends and I feel we need to remember to. Sometimes we extend more grace to a toxic person we are 'dating' than the friend who is there to pick the pieces up after that person exits stage left. It has been great for me thus far and that’s only because my friends and I respect each other and I mean respect where we are in life i.e. marriage, kids careers, etc, and respect that our time and what we dedicate our time to may not always be to each other physically but we show up mentally and spiritually through prayer and sometimes FaceTime or phone calls.
'If you are expecting your friendships to be the same [as] they were when you were in your 20s or teenagers it shows that you're not pushing each other to grow and evolve."
- Dasia Brown, 34, New Jersey
6.There is a change in how and when you connect due to availability and changes in priorities.
"Just this weekend I shared a post that said I am not the club friend anymore I am the spa friend, the brunch friend, the travel friend. Overall I know that part of friendships is connecting on social outings and when those no longer align if there isn’t real substance to the friendship it can start to fade. Another thing is how in our 30s, life starts really life-ing and our availability and priorities change, making it a little more challenging in how and when we connect.
"I’m grateful for friends who give each other grace but [I] will add [that] my immediate friend group no one is a mom yet. My mom friends are way more limited and it’s understandable but I’ve noticed the change from once becoming a mom and how things become one-sided in willingness to understand their needs. I think the solid friends try their best to show up or at least be fully present in the 15 minutes they do have to spare."
- Delila, 37, New York City
7.There is less hanging out and the concept of what makes a good friend shifts.
"Friendships change in your thirties for many reasons. Priorities, time, money, comparing lives, extremely different lifestyles. I’m a great friend so all mine love me… but I’m also not hanging out like I did 5-10 years ago."
- Destiny, 35, Delaware
8.There are challenges when no one is on the same journey at the same time.
"One of the biggest challenges is when people are settling into their careers, getting married, having kids, and no one is going to be on the same journey at the same time. You might have a friend that’s already married with kids, and you might be career-driven and single. You want to go out to happy hour and your friend with kids gotta see if your friend with the husband and the kids is available.
"In that same vein, that friend might also have mom friends that want to go on playdates and are more available to hang out with each other because they are able to do stuff together with the kids, but if you’re on two different paths it’s definitely a challenge."
- Quadira, 30, New Jersey
9.There is a release of friendships that might be holding you back.
"Based on my personal experience the lives of friends - Black women; either verge or diverge based on a major event. For example, your bestie becomes a teen mom in college, someone’s career takes off drastically compared to the others, someone couples or marries younger, or someone adopts a new faith or becomes stronger in their faith. Someone starts to heal generational trauma via therapy. A friend picks up an alcohol or drug abuse problem. Someone suffers a profound loss. I mean the list goes on. And depending on where each friend is in their life those things can make or break a friendship.
"You may even stray and try to come back and strengthen the bond but ultimately what happens to us is often a feeling of 'this happened to me and such and such wasn’t even there forreal.' Or after you/they have a major event see some unhealthy traits that have always existed and you ignored for the sake of friendship but where you are going in life won’t allow you to ignore it any longer.
"I just turned 38 and about 3/4 years ago I had a nagging feeling that it was time to shed a 20-plus-year friendship. I avoided it so long, we fell out twice in a huge way and I, being avoidant, put off the difficult conversation and ignored so much until I couldn’t. We were like sisters and the aftermath was much more than I could have expected but I’ve never felt lighter and more free and I think in your thirties you realize time is of the essence and the things you’ve accepted no longer suit you. Initially, we think of romantic relationships but sometimes it’s the platonic friendship that is what’s holding you back."
- Sydney, 38, Ohio
10.There is a realization that no investment to the friendship is too big or too small.
"I think friendships and relationships change in our thirties because most of us enter an elevated era of prioritization and a different style of communication. This is especially true if you have a partner. Even more so with children. Marriage is an investment. Children are an investment. Friendships are too and it’s easier to invest into people who get that sometimes you can only deposit a penny… sometimes you might be in the red and other times it’s emotional payday. So you hang out with more moms or parents. More married friends, etc.
"Your single friends also stop checking in as much and inviting you places. So you feel like you can relate less, as I’m sure they feel the same. You can’t communicate as often and at length because of work or family or life. And not everyone gets that. As your life evolves, your expectations change, and what you’re able to give changes too. When friends are in different places, they can’t always understand those changes and those relationships become unsustainable. There are so many things, but mostly life happens."
- Denisse, 34, Mississippi
11.There is a hyperfocus on family, career, and love.
"I think the dynamics do change even before you hit 30. I would say late 20s, even maybe early if people went through anything like I did with my friend group from high school. Think about it: we are trying to navigate what we want to do with our lives concerning career, and love, and discover who we are, and what God put us on this Earth for, and a lot of us really aren’t taught what friendships look like as adults because some of our parents don’t have friends who come over all the time, who feel like a part of the community.
"It’s a hyper-focus on family and career and love. School doesn’t help either cause nothing really prepares you for how you nurture friendships long distance, what happens when you realize you and a friend are no longer aligned (they were a season vs. forever), or envy jumps out when you start doing what they perceive as better than some of them."
- Cydney, 33, North Carolina
12.There is a change in how you prioritize friendships that is dictated by major life shifts.
"I’m like one of the last in my friend group in Copenhagen to have kids - and I feel like that just shifted so much for us/our group when everybody started having kids. More difficult to make plans, weekends are very different. But now that I have Naya [my child] it obviously makes sense.
"I feel like there is just so much that’s shifting in our thirties, whether career, serious boyfriends or marriage, kids, moving out of town, etc. Like life gets serious somehow lol and it’s challenging to prioritize your friendships in the same way you could in your twenties! I have a girlfriend back home who used to live just a block away and we’d always like go grocery shopping together and watch movies in bed and have sleepovers etc, and I honestly miss that so much."
- Caroline, 33, Denmark
13.There is acceptance that everyone can't maintain a long-distance friendship.
"For me, one friendship dynamic changed by me moving and the person I was tight with was unable to support a long-distance friendship. It went from twice a week at least two hours of calls to 10-minute check-ins every few weeks."
- Januarie, 34, Michigan
14.There is a tendency for hesitation when making new friends.
"I experienced a friendship breakup when I turned 30 after 12 years. It has caused me to be hesitant with making new friends and categorize people for being in my life for specific reasons instead of being 'deep connections' kind of friend."
- Kiara, 33, Ohio
15.There is knowledge that friendships are inconvenient and that the right friends will show up and show out for you.
"As a disclaimer, I’m antisocial. In my thirties I’ve noticed I’ve changed some random hard rules I’ve always had for the sake of maintaining my friendships. I’ve been taking more trips, I’ve been driving distances of up to two hours to grab lunch if they’re near. Like a light randomly clicked like these people are very important to me my silly 'boundaries' will cause more harm than good. I can look up and we’re so distant or I’m attending a funeral. Like if nothing is physically stopping me from showing up then it’s up!
"Also, I have realized and been practicing the appreciation aspect for them. I’m a married mom of two. The people have taken planes and trains to celebrate me. Their accomplishments aren’t always marriage and kids and I'm gonna appreciate it too even if they don’t make a big deal of it."
- Lala, 31, New York City
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