Have You Ever Had A Friendship Breakup?: 6 ‘Insecure’ Fans Sound Off
This week was the block party we've been waiting all quarantine long for (FINALLY) and it did not disappoint. Insecure fans are still recovering the events of said block party, which makes any previous drama like Molly's relationship/work life balance dilemma with Andrew from the previous episode look like small potatoes.
ICYMI…
There's been a lot of build-up this whole season that came down to an explosive argument between Issa and Molly at the end of the block party. The very public screaming match between the two besties went from heated confrontation to almost throwing hands to a someone yelling "gun" and breaking up the entire scene. I'm going to add that just before this all went down the pair looked like they were headed toward a reconciliation over "The Wobble". So, WTF?
The great unifier: the wobble. #InsecureHBO pic.twitter.com/mm5eYQm31j
— insecurehbo (@insecurehbo) May 11, 2020
Trying to make sense of what I just watched, and how one of television's best duos just called it quits, I discussed real-life buddy breakups with my friends. I've had a few friendship breakups over the years. Some dramatic, and some not so much. What I can say is that they've all been learning experiences. I'm a firm believer in this universal relationship truth: They're either a blessin' or a lesson. Ex friends were lessons that I learned things like what type of energy I want to surround myself with, how to forgive others for my own peace, and believe someone when they repeatedly show you who they are. I have a few blessings in my life in the form of best friends, too. At some point in my best friendships, we've had a falling out. Most of them are dumb when I explain them out loud now, or I can't even remember how they started, or the details are blurry between what actually happened and the embellishments I added in my head—as I suspect this Molly and Issa situation will play out years later.
But before you take the high road, you usually do a detour on the petty path and while the petty path is so not the right way, it's always the most entertaining. So, I reached out to Insecure fans to ask them:
Have you ever had a public, or otherwise, friend breakup? What happened? Did you come back from it?
We Didn’t Speak For A Year And Then He Apologized
"I had a very public breakup with my BFF on Facebook. He and I had been friends since '98. Can you imagine, 20 years? We had huge spat where we couldn't see eye to eye, but before that, we were throwing low blows and things were said that he couldn't take back. We didn't speak for a year and then he reached out and apologized. We had to have that difficult talk but it was worth it. Things aren't the same but I don't want them to be; I want them to be better. We're taking it slow coming back into each other's lives and I'm glad. I did miss my friend." –Amiyah Deziire, Author, Midnight Confessions
Temporary Breaks Are Healthy
"I had a best friend breakup like a year back. She is a spicy one and very headstrong girl from Brooklyn and so am I. We just clicked from the jump, but when I say we had multiple arguments, cursing battles and extreme dramatic displays of annoyance, it's not an exaggeration. We're both in the army; that's how we met. We were and are still close. It's crazy because [there was no single blow up that led to the breakup], it was more so what happened daily. But we made it through.
"Yes, we had our breaks in between, but I would say that's needed in close relationships. It helps set healthy boundaries because we had none in the beginning."
"Two-week breaks [every once in a while] is normal in my opinion. Now, we're closer than ever. She's still spicy though, but that's what I love about her." –Sgt. Simone Victor,U.S. Army
A Tragic Accident Forced Us To Reconnect
"I had a friend breakup with my best friend of over 20 years. It was very similar to how Issa and Molly's played out with myself being the more passive friend who usually shuts down. I had no desire to argue why I was worthy enough to be her friend or let her control how I should be a friend to her. We had our final argument the day before her baby shower and I decided after her treatment towards me for not responding to her how she wanted, I was not showing up to the baby shower. I now know that was wrong and spiteful. Needless to say, she was pissed and we didn't speaks for 6 months.
"A mutual friend of ours was in a tragic car accident and my best friend decided to reach out. I do regret that I didn't reach out first or initiate a conversation because I needed to grow up. A major flaw of mine is that I go into my shutdown mode. However, we went out to eat to fully communicate our honest feelings and decided to move on. Four years later, we lost one of the closest girlfriends to us and have realized nothing is worth us not communicating and we will never get to that place where we were before. At least that's how we feel for now but you never know, shit always changing. (laughs)!" –LaToya D., @the.analoggirl, www.theanaloggirl.com
Respect Me Enough To Handle Our Beef One On One
"Issa and Molly fighting in public, where they had countless opportunities to discuss their issues privately, is a HELL NO, YOU GOT ME F%^&ED UP.
"If you are my best friend, give me the ultimate respect of handling our beef one on one. The block party was an important night for Issa, Molly should've put her ego and feelings to the side and discussed her issues with Issa another day. It's normal for friends to argue and disagree but timing is everything and this was NOT the right time. In regard to breaking up with a friend, Issa and Molly definitely need to step away from each other (for now). When there is a lot of hurt feelings, shade, or disagreements, the cause of the fight takes a back seat. You can't resolve an issue when you are throwing shade or fighting in the streets.
"You also can't expect someone to treat you like you treat them. Some people don't know how to be a friend. If you feel used, betrayed, or belittled, that is not your friend. If your energy is down when you are around them, that is not your friend. If you are constantly saying, 'I am always doing XYZ for this person but it is not reciprocated'—THAT IS NOT YOUR FRIEND!"
"Do like Taye Diggs said in Brown Sugar:
"'Celebrating what?'
"'MY DIVORCE.'"
–Kateri Fischer, On-Air Scheduling Coordinator, BET Networks
Even The Strongest Friendships Get Tested
"While I've never had a public friend breakup, I've definitely parted ways with a few friends. I'd say friendship breakups are harder to go through than romantic ones because of how vulnerable you are with friends. My friendship breakups centered around a lack of reliability in such friend, not feeling comfortable talking about my issues with such friend or just not connecting with such friend on the same level anymore. Usually what happens is a slow phase out until we are no longer on speaking terms. I'd say we both knew the friendship wasn't benefiting either of us and at that point it's time to cut your losses. I've only had one friend try to dig herself out of the grave and contact me to rekindle the friendship.
"However, at the end of the day that relationship will never be the same again since we aren't the same. What I mean is people change throughout life, they grow in many different beautiful ways. Sometimes your growth can mean growing apart from a friend who didn't transform in the same way as you and that's OK."
"I hope Molly and Issa can fix the issue of communication but if they feel that they can continue their personal growth without one another, that's fine too. Even the strongest friendships get tested at times, if they pull through then the friendship can become stronger than ever." –India Douglas, Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW)
The Fact It Was So Public Was Very Damaging
"I had a very serious friend breakup in front of mutual friends and other people who were very close to me personally but not close to her. We had a very intense and heated argument and we were not able to mend that relationship again. I think we both were embarrassed and very hurt about how public it was, and it was just something that we couldn't move past.
"We're no longer friends and don't have any plans of rekindling the friendship as we both have grown apart. But I think that some friendships just end up that way when people grow apart. Adding in the element of being public was also very damaging for the relationship. I think arguments, discussions and conversations are probably best in private." –K.C, Marketing Manager
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Featured image via HBO/Insecure
Jazmine A. Ortiz is a creative born and raised in Bushwick, Brooklyn and currently living in Staten Island, NY. She started in the entertainment industry in 2012 and now works as a Lifestyle Editor where she explores everything from mental health to vegan foodie trends. For more on what she's doing in the digital space follow her on Instagram at @liddle_bitt.
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As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
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It's Time To Get Out Of The 'Drama Triangles' In Your Relationships
Although the goal with all of my content is to provide at least one ah-ha or light bulb moment (no matter what the topic may be), there are times when I will learn something and then I can’t wait to share it with my clients and also those who are familiar with my byline — because everything in me knows that it will be life-altering information on some level.
Today? It’s what’s known as the Karpman’s Drama Triangle, and when I tell you that it has the ability to set you free when it comes to some of your personal and professional work dynamics? Chile, you have absolutely no idea.
The backstory is a psychoanalyst by the name of Stephen B. Karpman came up with what is known as Karpman’s Drama Triangle back in the ‘60s and then turned it into a pretty popular book, one that helps to explain the dysfunctional situations that a lot of us find ourselves in — and don’t know how to get ourselves out of.
If that alone has already piqued your interest, grab yourself a cup or glass of your favorite beverage and take a good 15-20 minutes to take this all in. Because if you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired of certain folks or patterns, this might be just what the doctor ordered.
What Is a Drama Triangle All About?
Karpman's Drama Triangle
Okay, so what is a Drama Triangle? According to Karpman’s extensive research, at some point, we all play a role in our relationships with other people, including those we have with ourselves (meaning we can have internal drama triangles). We play the Persecutor, the Victim, or the Rescuer. Okay, but before getting deeper into this, let me briefly explain what each of those roles looks like.
The Persecutor: These are the people who always think that it’s your fault. They have a tendency to blame victims for the decisions that they made and then criticize rescuers for trying to help victims out. The good thing about them is they set boundaries and uphold them. The challenging thing about them is they tend to be highly inflexible to the point where they seem like a bully and low-key controlling at times.
The Victim: This is the individual who is constantly in the “poor me” position. They are really bad at personal accountability; they always think someone is to bail them out of their problems, and they pretty much just let life happen to them as they act like they don’t have any real power over their world and its outcome. This keeps them stagnant as they let the persecutor criticize them, and the rescuer saves them as they do basically…nothing. The good thing is they are gentle in their approach to life; the problem is they are passive as hell.
The Rescuer: Although it probably is pretty self-explanatory, the rescuer is always trying to help the victim. Not only does this cause them to catch heat from the persecutor, but it also makes the victim totally reliant on them to the point where the rescuer oftentimes ignores their own needs, feels totally drained, and ends up becoming the victim’s crutch as they are seen as weak by the persecutor. One of my favorite quotes is by Aristotle: “The excess of a virtue is a vice.” It fits in quite well for the rescuer. The positive thing about a rescuer is they are compassionate; the not-so-good thing is they wouldn’t know a boundary if it ran them over.
What turns these three things into a drama triangle is the fact that Karpman says, oftentimes, we find ourselves moving in and out of these roles, usually without even noticing it. And, we tend to do them in extremes. For instance, when it comes to your overbearing mother, you may be the victim. Yet, in your romantic relationship, you may be the persecutor. On the other hand, when it comes to your boss, you are the rescuer.
The problem with all of these is when you’re in the extreme of any of these three positions, it’s going to cause, well, drama. And honestly, that makes all of the sense in the world when you stop to think about the fact that drama is life moving in extreme ways too.
And since this culture is constantly moving in extremes to the point where I’m not even sure if folks know if something is “dramatic” or not anymore, let me break down some clear signs that you’re dramatic, in drama, or addicted to drama (or dramatic people):
- Dramatic people focus on negativity
- Dramatic people overexaggerate
- Dramatic people are stuck in patterns
- Dramatic people constantly need attention (or to be the center of attention)
- Dramatic people aren’t clear and concise in their communication
- Dramatic people stay in unhealthy relationships
- Dramatic people are always in some ish
Now think about the current state of your relationships, again personally as well as professionally. Are any of them…dramatic right now? If so, what role do you play in all of that?
Are You the Problem in Your Relationships?
GiphyOkay, so say that you realize that you’ve got a problem with being stuck in a counterproductive pattern with a girlfriend because she is always in some sort of unhealthy romantic relationship. She’s the Victim, and you’re the Rescuer. How can you know for sure that you both are in those positions?
Well, aside from the definitions that I already provided for the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, some additional traits for the Victim are they like to act helpless about their issues, they complain a lot about things that they can actually change, and they also tend to be quite manipulative because, whatever heart string that they can pull on to get you to invest more time, effort and energy into doing the work that they should do to better themselves, they will gladly do it.
Meanwhile, as the Rescuer, you are almost on-call when it comes to your availability, you’re constantly self-sacrificing, and you tend to do it to the extent where you’re acting more like the mother to a child than a friend. Then you’ve got another friend who is sick of both of y’all’s patterns and so they are constantly berating you two about it. That person would be the Persecutor.
On the other hand, when it comes to your job, you are the Victim while a co-worker is your Persecutor. And what does that look like? Well, you’re the one who is always complaining about how you’re being treated and that you feel overworked and taken for granted, and yet all you do is vent about it.
Meanwhile, the co-worker who’s listening to you is pretty aggressive when it comes to sharing their insights to the point where it almost seems like they’re bullying you to do what they would do. Yet because you’re so passive about this particular part of your life, you keep taking their almost demanding opinions and perspectives. At the same time, there is someone else at your job who feels bad for you, and so they are constantly defending you to the Persecutor and even doing some of your work so that you will feel better; they are the Rescuer here.
Do you see how, in both of these scenarios, nothing is going to get any better so long as things stay so…extreme for all “roles” involved? Without question, the only way that either of these situations is going to change for the better is if the parties involved are willing to recognize the clear role that they play and own it.
So, if any of this triggered you on some level, do some self-introspection: what role are you? Things can’t change until you’re willing, to be honest with yourself about who you are and what you are doing. And yes, I’m speaking from personal experience.
When it comes to one of my friend’s marriages, I know that I used to be the Rescuer. Her husband was so ridiculous, and everyone knew it (that’s not just my opinion; my friend ended up divorcing him, and then all kinds of stories of what folks really thought about him came out). She was the Victim, and he was the Persecutor. After a while, it started to take a real toll on my friendship with her because while she recognized all of the ways that he was controlling and emotionally abusive, she would blame his mom for why he was the way that he was — which created another triangle where he was the Victim, she was the Rescuer, and his mom was the Persecutor.
Yep, it’s easy to have drama triangles that are attached to or interwoven with other ones. SMDH. Anyway, it wasn’t until I was willing to look at the part that I played in the crazy train that I was able to set some boundaries — ones that ultimately ended up protecting and preserving our friendship.
This brings me to my next point.
So, How Do You Break Your Current Drama Triangles?
GiphyIf you were paying close attention to the characteristics of the Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer, you probably noticed that not everything about any of them was all bad. The problem is, again, they were moving in the extreme and that’s how things ended up getting dramatic. So, when it comes to breaking free from drama triangles, what you need to focus on, more than anything, is achieving some sort of balance.
Persecutors need to be less controlling and instead set boundaries while encouraging others to do the same. If the Victim or Rescuer chooses not to, there’s no need to get angry; it’s their life. Persecutors need to achieve balance by focusing on simply honoring their own limits.
Victims need to be honest about where they are and ask for help if they need it. However, they also need to understand that it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to invest more into their life than they are willing to. Balance is about getting support, not looking for a crutch — and definitely not trying to make people feel bad for not wanting to show up for your world more than you do.
Rescuers could stand to learn more about codependency, which, at the end of the day, is having an entire identity around saving other people. To tell you the truth, while it can seem on the surface that Rescuers are good-natured people, some of them like the power of feeling like they saved someone; it’s not always as altruistic as it seems. The ones who want the credit for the help or like to try and create certain outcomes with their help? Those are the ones I’m referring to that could use some humbling.
When it comes to all three of these, after seeing who you are in a particular triangle, honing in on how to “play your position” in a healthier and productive way is how you can break free from the triangle altogether. Make sense?
This Is How to Stay Out of Drama Triangles in the Future
GiphySo, now that you’ve been introduced to drama triangles, have probably seen yourself in at least one of them, and are learning how to get out of your current triangle, you’re probably wondering how to keep yourself from getting caught up in drama triangles in the future.
Good question. For you, I offer another kind of triangle with these three tips:
1. Spot potential drama very early on. There’s someone I know who is always asking from others (almost in an entitled way) and rarely doing for anyone else. Because I change my number like the wind, she doesn’t have my current one. She recently asked someone who has it for it, and they asked me if it was okay to share it. I am so tired of being the Victim’s Persecutor when she talks about all of the fallouts that she has with her rescuers that I told them “no.” When I see her out and about, cool. Yet, always arguing with her about how much she takes advantage of people while she acts like she’s doing nothing wrong? I’ll pass. That’s too much drama for me.
2. See yourself and own it. Again, based on the kind of relationship you’re thinking about, you may be one role consistently, or you might be all three at different times. The key is to know the role that you play and then be hypervigilant about being a less extreme version of it so that you can bring more balance and less drama to the situation.
3. Do what brings balance and peace. Greek author Euripides once said, “The best and safest thing is to keep a balance in your life, acknowledge the great powers around us and in us. If you can do that, and live that way, you are really a wise man.” Author Orison Swett Marden once said, “Work, love, and play are the great balance wheels of man's being.” Film producer Paul Boese once said, “We come into this world head first and go out feet first; in between, it is all a matter of balance.” Finally, writer Johann Wolfgang von Goethe once said, “So divinely is the world organized that every one of us, in our place and time, is in balance with everything else.”
What all of these emphasize is a good life is a balanced one and when you strive to avoid drama while cultivating peace, you are well on your way to a life of balance.
____
Drama triangles. Lawd. We’ve all been in one; hell, more than one. Some of us are in one at this very moment. That’s the bad news. Hopefully, the good news is, that now that you see it for what it is, you can dismantle the ones you’re in and keep yourself from being a part of them in the future.
After all, life’s too short and precious for drama triangles.
Move forward, in straight lines, by achieving balance (and peace)…instead.
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