After writing an article on leaving my toxic ex, I got a question that I never anticipated: What could my ex have done to get me back? I choked from laughter. There was not a damn thing he could have done.
However, the man on the other side of this question wanted an answer, expressing his desire to rekindle a relationship with his child's mother. He explained that she was single and not dating anyone and that he was a changed man. However, she made it clear there was no hope for them. Our conversation was brief, but one thing became clear: This wasn't the first person to mess up and it wouldn't be the last. The only thing he could do at this moment was to respect her wishes.
This got me thinking, was there love after toxic behavior? Yes, I believe so. This doesn't apply to everyone, specifically anyone who physically, mentally, and/or sexually abused their partner. Y'all can kick rocks.
However, some mistakes are a direct result of ignorance, while others can be linked to selfishness, greed, and ego. If you or your significant other displayed any of these behaviors, then it's time to tell the truth and own your mistakes. Next, you must accept there's no guarantee your desire to rekindle will result in getting back with your ex. Sometimes there's just too much water under the bridge.
On the flipside, love isn't linear and there are plenty of happy and healthy couples that reunited after breaking up, but make sure both you and your partner meet these requirements, first.
How To Fix A Toxic Relationship
1.Change Your Mindset
If you're thinking about pursuing your ex, you must change your behavior. The same mindset won't work. This is the time to work on yourself. You've got to do more than talk, show them that you care. My suggestion? Start with figuring out the root of your issues. Perhaps, you could try therapy. It's a safe space to be vulnerable and share your thoughts and feelings without judgment. I can attest to its healing elements, which allowed me to identify traits like jealousy and residual anger that I had to release. Use your sessions to become a person you could be proud of.
2.Honesty & Transparency
An apology isn't enough. Communicate your feelings, the self-work you're doing, and your hopes for the future. Be brutally honest and don't leave anything out. It may seem weird at first, but this could be the breakthrough you're looking for.
Transparency builds trust.
One of the biggest issues in a relationship is the inability to be flexible. Some non-negotiables need to be communicated and agreed upon. Think about some of your biggest disagreements and if it was worth it. Were you stuck on getting a certain result? Did the outcome drive you apart? Write out your list of must-haves together and compare the results. This will help both of you get clear on what's most important.
4.Listen & Learn
Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Active listening can improve your relationship because it's an emotional skill that forces you to engage. Ask your ex what they're feeling and what healing looks like to them. Don't fight them on their truth, it's theirs. Instead, listen for opportunities on how you can improve and support their boundaries.
5.Accept the Present & Move On
As I mentioned before, there's no guarantee that your desires to rekindle will result in getting back with your ex. It may be time to accept that it's over. Accept that you played a part in this outcome and now that you know better, you can do better. You have an opportunity to be more intuitive and empathetic through the lessons that you've learned.
With maturity, my thoughts on relationships have changed. I've come to find that no one is all good or all bad; they're just human. The blame doesn't fall on one person; it is a result of actions–and those not taken. If you decide to rekindle the relationship, then that's your business. Be prepared to start fresh because resentment and love can't exist in the same space. Always remember, you are enough with or without them.
Did you know that xoNecole has a new podcast? Join founder Necole Kane, and co-hosts Sheriden Chanel and Amer Woods, for conversations over cocktails each and every week by subscribing to xoNecole Happy Hour podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
Featured image by Shutterstock.
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July 24 is National Tequila Day, and so it was only right that we highlighted the Black woman breaking barriers in the tequila industry. Tiffany Capri Hainesworth founded T Capri Tequila after the success of her gourmet treats business. However, at the time, she had no idea she was going to be making history.
Tiffany grew up in Washington D.C., and after her high school sweetheart was murdered, she decided to go into criminal justice and got her first job in the Secret Service. She continued working various federal government jobs, but a traumatic car accident that caused a brain injury changed her life forever. The accident caused her to reflect on her life, and she began focusing on things that make her happy, thus leading to her embarking on a journey in the spirits industry.
The mother of one would frequently have her girlfriends come over for girls’ night, and she would make liquor-infused desserts. But after the car accident, she decided to turn it into a business and called it Boozy Bears. Boozy Bears was a “handcrafted gummy bear made from wines and spirits.”
“I drank tequila. I love margaritas. Like, I love margaritas,” Tiffany told xoNecole in an exclusive interview. “So, I was like, okay, let me get my little first batch of tequila for my Boozy Bears. So, I researched where tequila was made, [and] found it was only made in the highlands and lowlands of Jalisco, Mexico, and I jumped on a plane and went by myself.”
“So, I was like, okay, let me get my little first batch of tequila for my Boozy Bears. So, I researched where tequila was made, [and] found it was only made in the highlands and lowlands of Jalisco, Mexico, and I jumped on a plane and went by myself.”
During her time in Jalisco, Tiffany visited the agave fields and the distillery and worked with the jimadors to soak up as much knowledge as she could about tequila so that she could make her own. Her original plan was to just have her own tequila for her Boozy Bears business, but once people got a taste of it, they convinced her to start selling bottles of it.
She began documenting the ins and outs and ups and downs of starting her own tequila business. While Tiffany described the agave fields as “one of the most majestic feelings I’ve ever experienced in my life,” flying back and forth to Jalisco by herself, the language barrier, and many other things were challenging.
That’s when it was brought to her attention that she was the first Black woman to own her own tequila. “Shawn Yancy from Channel 4 (NBC4 Washington) was like, you know, let me tell your story, and when she started doing the research, she said you know that you’re the first Black woman to do this all alone,” she revealed.
“Shawn Yancy from Channel 4 (NBC4 Washington) was like, you know, let me tell your story, and when she started doing the research, she said you know that you’re the first Black woman to do this all alone”
After launching in 2021, Tiffany shared that once Chanel 4 aired her segment, it went viral, and her first 1500 bottles sold out in two months. T Capri is 100% Blue Weber agave tequila and additive-free. Their hashtag is #youcansipwithus, which according to the D.C. native, it means you can drink it straight. “You don’t need to put any juices, any mixes, anything in my tequila. You can drink it on the rocks because it’s that smooth, that pure,” she said. “We pride ourselves on being certified additive-free by Tequila Match.”
Photo courtesy of Tiffany Capri Hainesworth
Tiffany calls her journey “tragedy to triumphant.” From the many seizures she faced following her car accident, even after starting her Boozy Bears business, to being heralded as an innovator in the spirits industry, she has overcome a lot and is just getting started.
“It has been an amazing journey. I appreciate, and I am so grateful for the true, genuine support I’ve gotten where people have purchased my product taste unknown. They’ve supported me sight unseen, they understand the dynamics of being a sole owner, making history being a sole owner in a male-dominated industry,” she said.
For more information about Tiffany and T Capri Tequila, you can follow her on Instagram @tcapritequila, Facebook T Capri Tequila, and her website is tcapritequila.com.
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Feature image courtesy of Tiffany Capri Hainesworth