10 Female Founders On What Productivity Means To Them
Just a few months ago, I packed everything that I loved (including my dog) in my Honda Civic, and traveled 22 hours from Texas to California to pursue a new venture for my business. Since making the move, I've been introduced to new opportunities, but I've also been exposed to a lot of distractions. Sometimes when you're on a new journey, it's easy to become preoccupied with unnecessary things and lose track of what truly deserves your attention and energy. In return, this can cause your productivity level to decrease. It seems like in a blink of an eye, the worst happens.
Whether you're bossing up as a business owner or in the corporate world, your level of productivity can easily dictate whether or not you're successful. Being productive isn't something you can just pop up and be a beast at immediately. Mastering productivity happens over time and requires a change in mindset and lifestyle. It's something you have to intentionally practice every day.
Recently, I connected with a few business owners on what productivity means to them and how they maintain a high level of productivity. Keep reading to learn from these bosses and snag some inspo that you can use in your own life!
Let your past and shortcomings be fuel for the future.
Image via Sky Landish
Sky Landish, Founder, StripN'Fitness:
Being productive means continuously hustling daily for the things that add up to the big picture in your mind.
"I feel as though the largest two challenges surrounding my definition of productivity is the motivation that facilitates your hustle and the vision that keeps that picture in your mind clear yet attainable. We constantly have to reinvent motivation because it can quickly expire. A vision of your picture--your end goal--can be clouded with small setbacks and financial or personal struggles such as breakups or costly bills. When I was 23 years old, I was homeless, struggling to finish college, working a full-time job, unhealthy, unhappy, and had recently been cheated on. There was a moment where I didn't know what to do. However, I somehow found my motivation in the anger of being treated less than by another human being and it led me to hustle harder, to start working out, and to share more on social media. I saw my bigger picture in my ability to take the worst situations and make them a positive light. That alone allowed me to build on me, what I wanted out of life, and how I could create the dopest future for myself.
"A productive workday for me includes waking up at 9 a.m, creating the vibe for my ladies who are signed up for my 'Transform Your Eating & Exercise' program in our Facebook group, and responding to their questions.
"After that, I answer any emails from brands for influencer collaborations, negotiate, and sign any contracts. I then go to my beauty room and tape content for my social media platform, then head to the gym to do my daily workout. Once I'm done, I go to my collaborative office space that I share with my fiancé, and we typically discuss whatever calendar updates, bookings, or other things that are coming up. We usually end the day with dinner together, and I head home to catch up on news or trending topics for the day."
Let technology aid in your productivity.
Image via Alexis Davis
Alexis Davis, Founder, The Content Plug:
There are only so many hours in a day, so having systems and using your time efficiently is vital for entrepreneurs and businesses of every size.
"It takes a certain mindset to perform at your best each and every day. For one, I strongly believe that getting started early helps me have a productive 16 hours. I like to begin my day by checking emails and responding to items that need immediate attention. I double-check my calendar to see what meetings I have planned for the day and ensure that I have my agendas and notes prepared well before my meetings are set to begin. Scrambling at the last minute will only pull me away from focusing on other important tasks.
"Managing my to-do list on Trello helps me significantly as I am able to put dates and times on tasks instead of feeling like I need to accomplish everything in one day.
"Since I am a social media manager, I spend a lot of time on the various platforms looking at discussions or trends to see if there are any conversations I can appropriately jump into on behalf of my clients and to keep an eye on current events. Ironically, looking at pages that have nothing to do with my clients can get distracting, and I have to have a bit of self-control.
"Finally, getting a full eight hours of sleep helps tremendously. I was once a person that could stay up all night and run on a few hours of sleep, but [that will] catch up to you and does not help you or your productivity in the long run! For me, a productive month ends with happy clients, new proposals delivered to potential clients, at least one new invitation to speak on a panel or teach a class, a short to-do list, and little to no emails."
It's OK to pivot.
Image via Psyche Terry
Psyche Terry, Co-founder, UI Global Brands:
Being productive means to be moving but not in the same place and to have energy but not in the same area. It's about forward motion even if it's not the original direction but you're still moving, learning, and being challenged. It's about growth rather than standing still.
"A couple of years ago in my business, we were doing themost! We had two LLCs under one company---one was apparel and the other was beauty. I was still in motion with both so [I was] not as productive with my beauty business because of the time that I was spending on the apparel brand. This wasn't a line--it was a whole company! I put a lot of time, energy, effort, and talent into it, but ultimately it was distracting from my other brand.
"Great business mentors are part of my success story. Enrolling in the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Small Businesses program was most productive for us as a company because it helped me to identify the best path for us while truly looking at the final outcome.
"Once I considered the end result, it forced me to choose the most productive route and avoid distractions. My definition of a productive workday is constantly changing.
"I would define a productive workday as anything that helps me get closer to my end result. [It's] if I'm able to move, whether the movement is positive or negative, to get closer to that end result that I have stated for myself. This also includes self-care, rest, and being conscious of my personal well-being. To do that, I have to breathe and reflect in self-care. To me, that's the true definition because if you end up burned out at the end, then what's the point?"
Every second counts.
Image via Instagram/getfitwithmassi
Masiel Encarnación, Weight-loss coach & Founder, The ConFITence Blueprint:
Being productive means being efficient and wasting as little time as possible.
"Instagram used to be a major distraction when I first started my business. First, I followed too many influencers in the health and wellness space which clouded my creativity and focus. Scrolling through a feed full of others in your space to be 'inspired' is actually a sure-fire way to always be in second place. I had to quickly learn that being an influencer and being a profitable business owner were not always the same thing.
"The way I overcame this was to unfollow almost everyone in my space unless I knew them personally and focus on my company's framework and mission.
"Secondly, I love connecting with my community, and in the last 6 years, I've built a very engaged following. However, at one point, I constantly felt pulled into 100 different directions with requests from all over the place. My desire to be accessible and immediately responsive to hundreds of DMs (and emails) in real time was unrealistic and a huge stressor. Once I changed my mindset, prioritized revenue-generating activities, and set better business boundaries around my availability and response time, I was able to be more efficient.
"For me, a productive workday begins with self-care and non-work activities. I create, meditate, write, read, journal, exercise, eat breakfast, and then dive into work after I've already poured into myself. Work happens between the hours of 9 a.m.-9 p.m."
The small wins add up.
Image via Kaylen Zahara
Kaylen Zahara, Founder, AmazedByKay Consulting:
Productivity is knowing each day you performed a micro task that targets executing your macro goal.
"The biggest distraction for me as a founder and content creator is analysis paralysis along with a pinch of procrastination. As the boss, you have no one to micromanage you but yourself, so there are times when my moods can get the best of my mornings. The fear within will nudge me to put things off for later in the day. Before you know it, it's a new day and my to-do list has barely been tended to. On days my moods aren't in charge, my fear of failure is, and I convince myself that if I spend more hours being analytical, that contributes to productivity, therefore I can't be hard on myself after all, right? If you can relate, the best way to eliminate these habits and comfort zones are to look in the mirror and be honest. Realize you are just afraid of your best version of yourself.
"To rise to success, you have to sit with that fear and be friends with it, quiet the noise, and reprogram your subconscious to believe you are capable. Remind your conscience of your why.
"Here's what a productive workweek looks like: 5 a.m. wake-up times to set intentions for the day, 45 minutes of daily exercise, therapy sessions, deal-closing, accomplishing the biggest to smallest tasks, and assisting my team to meet their needs and to ensure overall brand success."
Being aligned with your team is important.
Image via Jasmine Shells
Jasmine Shells, Co-Founder & CEO, Five to Nine:
Productivity means to be in a state of flow and to accomplish the tasks I set for myself to complete.
"As a startup founder, things always pop up onto your radar that tend to divert your attention from the goals you set for the day. It's inevitable. Those things typically disrupt the flow completely. So I started looking at my to-do list in an aggregate week view versus a daily view. It provides me with more flexibility to accomplish my goals and to allow room for those things that pop up. For low-priority tasks, I easily prioritize them later in the week without any associated guilt.
"I've noticed that weekly to-do lists give me what feels like more control over my schedule and my mindset by creating a more realistic working environment for what startup life looks like.
"A productive workday or workweek from my perspective is alignment between my team members. We have work that is interdependent and collaborative, so keeping us all on the same page while moving a million miles an hour is a constant focus. This, to me, is the ultimate productivity goal."
Understand that success takes a village.
Image via KaDeadra McNealy
KaDeadra McNealy, Founder, Millennial Nail Bar:
As a founder, being productive is understanding what skill set isn't my strongest and reaching out to other female founders for recommendations.
"When Millennial Nail Bar (MNB) first launched, I truly thought I could do it all. From creating the website, running the social media accounts, and partaking in pitch competitions---all while searching for potential investors. I remember speaking with a fellow woman founder who not only explained how important it is to lose the grip on 'your baby' and onboard a team, but how to properly select the individual who can help you accomplish the company's goals.
"Every week, I look over the prior week and/or month's goals. This might include eliminating or continuing current tactics or understanding where the ball was dropped and how to prevent it from happening again."
Planning must meet consistency.
Image via Dawn Myers, Esq
Dawn Myers, Esq., Founder, The Most:
Peak productivity means meeting specific metrics for my organizations as efficiently and effectively as possible.
"In the past, I have been guilty of sacrificing sleep and pulling egregiously long workdays. I was moving the ball forward, but I wasn't working smart, and I was careening toward burnout. It took me a while to realize that the easy way is the smart way. I come from a professional background that glorifies backbreaking work hours, so it took some time to stop feeling guilty about delegating. I thought I was being lean by doing it all myself instead of hiring contractors and virtual assistants. I know now that delegating allows me to focus on the highest-impact activities which result in the highest impact gains. Also, delegating has forced me to build a team, put repeatable processes and training documents into place, and strengthen my management skills. I'm happier and less overwhelmed, and my company runs much more smoothly than it did when I kept a firm grip on every single task.
"Productivity is what happens when planning meets consistency. With the time freed up by delegating low-impact tasks, I've been able to embed small but mighty habits into my routine like blocking off an hour each day for investor outreach or fitting in a morning workout to power me through the rest of my day. Having the space to make consistent, measurable progress has been transformative. Measurability is the key here. Make sure that you associate goals with attainable daily and weekly metrics.
"A successful, productive week for me starts on Sunday night. I have an alarm set on my phone for 7 p.m. to skim my calendar and plan in any high-priority tasks for the week. Less is more. I aim to complete no more than I can fit on a sticky note each day (I use ruled notepads so I can't cheat by using smaller script). If I delegate effectively, adhere to healthy habits, and manage a few high-impact tasks every single day, I am guaranteed to see stunning progress month over month."
Make conscious decisions to take care of yourself first.
Image via Gabrielle Deculus
Gabrielle Deculus, Founder, Business Rules for Women:
Being productive means moving the needle forward, productivity ultimately equates to accomplishing my goals and accomplishing my goals yields success.
"To be honest, mental health has been a challenge, and I work on it daily. There have been times when I struggled with productivity because of it, specifically because of personal life events and work-related experiences. Without having proper support as a founder, you will be impacted and distracted in a multitude of ways. The bottom line is things will happen, but how will you handle it? This is why I actively invest in my mental health and why I started Business Rules for Women. Being ambitious and in business can be lonely, and I have had to deal with a lot on my own.
"Within the last year, I have made conscious decisions to go to therapy, actively develop stronger relationships with my business friends, and share as much as possible with others. We learn when we teach, and we grow when we are vulnerable and willing to listen.
"The past several months, I have been continuously working on producing a much-needed 3-day conference for ambitious women happening April 3-5 here in New Orleans. I truly believe in fully utilizing my time, which means my days are filled with setting timers to meet deadlines, holding several meetings each day, and communicating with my team to ensure things are constantly moving."
Multitasking is a trap.
Image via Dorian Morris
Dorian Morris, Founder, Undefined Beauty:
Productivity is about taking it step-by-step, building brick-by-brick and not trying to boil the ocean while also recognizing multitasking is actually the ultimate productivity killer.
"As the solo bootstrapping founder of Undefined Beauty, there's never enough time in the day to tackle the constantly growing to-do list and capitalize on opportunities, especially in the dynamic and ever-evolving cannabis and CBD space. It can get overwhelming but I find chunking--breaking big tasks into small steps--makes it easier and less anxiety-provoking to GSD (aka get stuff done).
"It takes focus and removing unnecessary, derailing distractions like social media and resisting the urge to multitask, which makes each task actually take longer. I also celebrate small wins along the way to maintain momentum.
"A productive workday involves balancing the strategic versus tactical tasks--putting out today's fires while also planting seeds for future growth and opportunities. It's definitely a journey that's part art and part science, but that's what makes entrepreneurship fun."
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Featured Image courtesy of Dawn Myers, Esq
Brittani Hunter is a proud PVAMU alumni and the founder of The Mogul Millennial, a business and career platform for Black Millennials. Meet Brittani on Twitter and on the Gram at @BrittaniLHunter and @mogulmillennial.
Beyond Burnout: Nicole Walters' Blueprint For Achieving Career Success On Your Own Terms
Nicole Walters has always been known for two things: her ambition and her ability to recognize when life’s challenges can also double as an inspiring, lucrative brand.
This was first evident more than a decade ago when she quit her job as the corporate executive of a Fortune 500 company during a Periscope livestream. “I’m not sure if there’s an alignment of [our] future trajectory. I’m going to work for myself. I'm promoting myself to work for myself,” she said at the time before flashing a smile at the viewing audience. As she resigned on camera, a constant stream of encouraging messages floated upwards on the screen.
By 2021, she’d fashioned her work as a corporate consultant and her personal life with her husband and three adopted daughters into a reality show, She’s The Boss, for USA Network. This year, she released the New York Times bestselling memoir Nothing Is Missing, written as she was in the process of getting a divorce and dealing with her eldest daughter’s struggles with substance use.
Convinced that there’s no way the 39-year-old has achieved all of this without intentional strategic planning, I asked her about it when we spoke less than a week before Christmas. I’d seen videos on social media of her working on 2024 planning for other brands, and I wanted to know what that looked like following her own year of success.
She listed a number of goals, including ensuring that the projects she takes on in the new year align with her identity “as a Black woman, as an African woman, as a mother, as someone who has lived a [rebuilding] season and is now trying to live boldly and entirely as themselves.” But, I was shocked by how much of her business planning also prioritized rest.
Despite the bestselling book, a self-titled podcast, and working with numerous corporations, Walters said she’s been taking Fridays off. This year, she doesn’t want to work on Mondays, either.
“A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement,” she said, noting that she’ll check in with herself around March to see how successful this plan has been. The goal, Walters said, is to only be working on Tuesdays and Thursdays by sometime in 2025. “It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to have happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change.”
"A lot of us think we work hard until retirement hits. I want to progress towards retirement... It is intentionally building out what I know I would like to happen and not waiting for exhaustion to be the trigger of change."
Walters said the decision to progressively work less was partially in response to her previously held notions about her career, especially as an entrepreneur. “When I first started, I thought burnout was a part of it,” she said. “What I didn’t realize is that even if you’re able to bounce out of burnout or get back to it, there’s a cumulative impact on your body. If you think of your body as a tree and every time you go through burnout, you are taking a hack out of your trunk, yes, that trunk will heal over, and the tree will continue to grow, but it doesn't mean that you don’t have a weakened stem.”
But, the desire for increased rest was also in response to the major shifts that occurred three years ago when she was experiencing major changes in her family and realized her metaphorical tree was “bending all the way over.”
Courtesy
“One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity,” she added. “That is some language that I think is just now starting to really get unpacked.” In recent years, there’s been an increased awareness of achieving balance in life, with Tricia Hersey’s “The Nap Ministry” gaining attention based on the idea that rest, especially for Black women, is a form of resistance. Even online phrases such as “soft life” and “quiet quitting” have hinted at a cultural shift in prioritizing leisure over professional ambition.
"One of the things we have to recognize, especially as Black women, is that there is this engrained, societal, systemic notion that our worth is built around our productivity."
If companies are lining up to consult with Walters about their brands and products, then women have been looking to her for guidance on starting over since she invited them to livestream her resignation 12 years ago. As viewers continue to demand more from content creators in the form of intimate, personal details, Walters has navigated her personal brand with a sense of transparency without oversharing the vulnerable details about her life, especially when it comes to her family.
The entrepreneur said she’d been approached to write a book for several years and was initially convinced she was finally ready to write one about business. “I started to do that, and then I went through my divorce. When that happened, I said, why would I write a book telling people to get the life that I have when I’m not sure about the life that I have,” she said.
Instead, she decided to write Nothing Is Missing and provide a closer look at her life, starting with being born to immigrant Ghanaian parents (“You need to know my childhood to know why I’m passionate about entrepreneurship.”) through the adoption of her three daughters and eventual divorce. Despite her desire to share, however, she said she felt protective of the privacy of her family, including her ex-husband.
When discussing this with me, Walters said she was reminded of a lesson she learned from actress Kerry Washington, who released her own memoir, Thicker Than Water, just a week before Walters’ book release. Washington’s memoir grapples with family secrets, too, specifically the fact that she was conceived using a sperm donor and didn’t learn about it until she was already a successful TV star. While Washington reflects on how the decision and subsequent deception impacted her, she’s also careful to hold space for her parents’ experiences, too. “A lot of things she said was that she had to recognize where she was the supporting character and where she was the main character,” Walter said.
This is something Walter worked to do in Nothing Is Missing when discussing her daughter’s struggles with addiction. “I was very intentional about making sure that I did not reveal more than what was required,” she said. “If I say something about someone’s addiction, I don’t need to go into the list of the substances they used, how they used them, what I found. [I don’t need to] walk into a room and paint a picture of what it looked like for people to understand.”
Walters said some of the most vulnerable moments in the book barely made a ripple once it was released. She was extremely nervous to write about getting an abortion, she said. But no one has asked her about this in the months since the book was released. Instead, people have been more interested in quirkier revelations, such as the fact that she once appeared on Wheel of Fortune.
“I have bared my soul about this thing I went through in my youth that has changed me for people, and people are like, ‘So how heavy was the wheel when you spun it?’” she said, chuckling. “It just goes to show that people never worry about the thing that you worry about.”
With the success of Nothing Is Missing, Walters said she still isn’t planning to release a business book at the moment. But, as she navigates parenting a teenager and two adult children while also navigating a relationship with her new fiancé, Walters said she believes she has at least one or two more books to write about her personal journey. “There is sort of an arc of where my life has gone that I know I’ve got something more to say about this that I think is important, relevant and necessary,” she said.
In just three years, Walters’ life has undergone a major transformation. There’s no telling what the next three years will have in store for her, but it seems likely she’ll retain an inspired audience wherever life takes her.
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We All Know What 'TMI' Is. When It Comes To Dating, Let's Talk About PMI
Since my (professional) life basically consists of all things relationships- (and sex-) related, it’s basically my job to pay attention to the relationship- (and sex-) based trends that are happening out here. Well, when I happened upon an article that said PMI is going to be something that will be frowned upon, as far as dating goes, for the foreseeable future, two things immediately came to mind: one is that there is nothing new under the sun (King Solomon is who coined that saying — Ecclesiastes 1:9) and the other is I’m sure grandma, great-grandma or some church lady already told y’all to steer clear of doing what PMI is referring to — because if there’s one thing that older women tend to be all for, it’s discretion and leaving some things to the imagination. Interestingly enough, that seems to be a lost art for many these days.
Anyway, what exactly am I referring to? Yeah, I’m about to get into all-a-dat. For the sake of the intro, I’ll just say that if "TMI" stands for "too much information," in general, I bet that you can just about guess what "PMI" in the dating world means. Let’s get into it.
What Is PMI in Dating All About?
GiphyOkay, so before I break down what PMI actually is, are you able to take a guess? If TMI is “too much information,” when you’re first dating someone, what could you run the risk of doing as far as PMI is concerned? If your immediate thought is giving out too much personal information, you would basically be correct. Yep, PMI stands for "premature intimacy" — and a lot of people do indeed fall victim to offering up just that.
How? Well, for one thing, it’s my personal opinion that many folks date the same way that some people grocery shop: they do it when they’re hungry. What I mean by that is…have you ever compared and contrasted the difference between when you’ve gone to the store (or even ordered your groceries online and then had them delivered) when you’re hungry vs. when you’ve already eaten? When you’re hungry, suddenly everything looks good to you. When you’re full, though, you can make more discerning decisions. Same goes with dating.
If it’s been a while since you’ve been on a date, you’re out with someone who you’re super excited about or you’re dating a goal more than a person (meaning, you really want to be in a relationship or you really want to get married and so you’re trying to rush things along), you can find yourself putting yourself in the trap of PMI. You might be giving them too much information about yourself. You might be expecting more than you should (dating is not courting, courting is not engagement, engagement is not marriage — there are levels to this thing). You might be giving it up too quickly (more on that later).
When these types of things happen, not only can they leave you emotionally exposed and hella vulnerable, but they can also cause the person on the receiving end to find you overwhelming and exhausting because you’re revealing way too much…way too soon.
Yeah, I know some of y’all probably don’t want to hear this, yet it must be said: PMI oftentimes translates as a form of desperation even if, from where you see it, you’re simply an “open book” and/or you’re just super enthusiastic about engaging someone. However, that’s the thing about something being premature: oftentimes, it’s not about what you’re doing being “wrong” so much as the timing of you doing it — whatever “it” is — being off. Way off.
That said, oftentimes what you’re offering up in PMI isn’t the red flag; it’s the fact that you’re so “hungry” for the dynamic that you’re moving at a faster pace than you should — for your sake and his.
So, now that you know what PMI is all about, let’s pull back a few more layers concerning it.
How Can You Know That You Have a “PMI Pattern”?
GiphyThere’s a client I have who’s a single woman. To be honest, I pretty much only hear from her when she’s made a reckless decision and she wants me to help dig her out of her consequences. And yes, one of those is constantly being a PMI type of person: talking too much, having sex too soon, acting like she’s the only one who gets a say in where things are going with a guy. What’s wild is it never fails: almost every time that a man starts off really liking her, about six weeks in, he phases out, and they all basically tell her that it’s due to the same reason: “She’s doing too much.”
If you’re triggered, just by reading that, ask yourself why. Is it possibly because you can relate and it’s easier to tell yourself that the guy is the problem when it could be that it is actually time to take some accountability and accept that you could be the issue? As a wise person once said, “Everywhere you go, there you are,” which basically means if the common denominator is always you, some self-reflection could do you a lot of good.
Anyway, whenever she finds herself back at the same ending, and we recap what happened, she’s chill for the first 3-4 dates, then she has sex, then she’s telling all of her business, and then she’s upset because she feels like they should be damn near at marital status — all because she moved too fast, too soon. And all of this? What all of this represents, in live and living color, is what it means to be in a PMI pattern.
The reality is that relationships are a lot like an onion in the sense that there are layers to it all. And what I mean by that is no one should have immediate access to all of who you are. Time, their character, the consistency in how they treat you, the reciprocity that you receive, good old-fashioned common sense and discernment — all of these things should play a direct role in how much information someone receives…mind, body, and spirit.
So, keeping all of this in mind, if you find yourself always hearing that “you’re doing the most” or a guy feels overwhelmed or that you’re liked, but they wish you would slow things down — that definitely sounds like a PMI pattern to me. In response to this revelation, you can either act like everyone else is wrong and you are right…or you can do some pondering and figure out where you could stand to realign some boundaries. Including when it comes to sex. This brings me to the next point.
Sex Too Soon Can Qualify As PMI Too, By the Way
GiphyListen, even if you didn't hear your own grandma (or at this point because grandmas are getting younger by the day, great-grandma) say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, I’m pretty sure you heard it said somewhere. And while this type of elder wisdom is pretty much speaking of giving it up before marriage, I’m gonna tweak it a bit and say, “Having sex for merely recreational use without stopping to see if it could serve you better to wait isn’t very smart” because, even though the current state of our culture is out here acting like humans should see sex as no more than a “dogs in heat” activity, you were given a brain and a heart for a reason. Yes, as antiquated as it may sound (and if it does, I don’t care, I don’t care), sex should still be seen as an intimate act.
You know, if you were to ask a lot of mental health and/or relationship experts to define what intimacy is, they would probably say something along the lines that it consists of mutual trust, an established connection, and a warmth and tenderness between two people. How this can all transpire after just a couple of dates (if you didn’t know the person beforehand) makes absolutely no sense to me. Can attraction, lust, or infatuation make you believe that it has? Yeah. Is that bona fide intimacy, though? Absolutely not.
So yeah, if you’re reading this and you’re trying to figure out if PMI is something that you are prone to doing, don’t take sex out of the equation. Premature means things like “too soon” and “before the proper time.” Proper means “appropriate to the purpose.” Purpose means “the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.” If the only reason why you plan on sleeping with someone is to have a little fun, you’re grown, do you.
HOWEVER, if you want something more than that, it’s best to slow down and ask yourself what the purpose needs to be BEFORE giving it up. Because once you’ve had sex with someone, you can’t undo it — nor can you control how they will react or respond to you on the backend. Use forethought; it helps to prevent you from moving…prematurely.
3 Things You Can Do to Avoid the Premature Intimacy Trap
GiphyOkay, so what if you’ve read all of this, and you can’t help but admit that you’ve got a bit of “PMI” going on in your dating history? Moving forward, what can you do to prevent it from happening again?
1. Ask yourself, “What’s the rush?” The person who once said that haste makes waste was a wise individual. It basically means that when you rush things, you tend to cause confusion and chaos on some level because it can cause you to overlook red flags, skip necessary steps, and make a relationship a goal over establishing a genuine connection with a person. Look, I get that few things beat the thrill of a new situation with a person who seems to check off all of your boxes. However, if it’s real, it’ll be there weeks later too. Slow down so that you can see what’s genuine — and also so you can finally break your pattern of moving prematurely. Oh, and do literally ask yourself “What’s the rush?” If fear or anxiety are a part of your answer, that’s another reason to slow the hell down.
2. Make people earn access to you. Your thoughts, your feelings, your body — all of these things are privileged information. And since all of us have so many layers to us, each time someone learns something new or more, that is something that they should earn. They can’t do that if you’re giving them everything at once; plus, folks tend not to appreciate it when interactions with people go down that way. That said, am I for game-playing and making a man damn near kill himself to get closer to you? Absolutely not. At the same time, I do think that, as relationships evolve and mature, that’s how you can know what to give and what to hold back. And evolution and maturity take time.
3. Don’t tell men what you want; have them reveal who they are. One of the most ridiculous relationships that I’ve ever been in consisted of a guy who asked me on the first date what I was looking for in a man. When I rattled off some traits, his response was, “I can be that.” Please tell me that you caught the red flag: not he IS that, but he can PRESENT HIMSELF TO APPEAR to be that way. And that’s just how the relationship played out, too. This is a not-so-obvious indicator of premature intimacy: telling men what you want instead of letting them reveal who they are. Yeah, don’t do that. That’s how you can end up with a character more than someone with character (if you catch my drift).
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If most of us were truly honest with ourselves, we’d have to admit that we’ve fallen victim to it in some way; that’s the not-so-great news. The good news is a few simple adjustments can break you free from finding yourself in that kind of dating drama again.
A wise person once said that the right thing at the wrong time is still the wrong thing. Premature intimacy can get you into this type of dynamic, for sure.
Bottom line, if it’s real, it ain’t goin’ nowhere no time soon.
Slow down and let the relationship evolve.
So that you can have intimacy instead of regret — all because you moved too fast.
Because rarely, is that ever a wise move. In dating or honestly…life, in general, sis.
Be careful out here, ya hear?
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