

Self-deprecating. Afraid to take risks. Never really satisfied. Constantly comparing yourself to other people. Worrying. Not stating your real needs and desires. Can't accept compliments. Super defensive. Overthinking. Unforgiving (including when it comes to self). Do you know what all of these things have in common? They're all telltale signs that someone is way too critical of themselves, that they judge themselves too often and/or too harshly. Now take a moment and think about how these 10 things translate in the bedroom?
If you know that you are more self-deprecating than you ever should be, if your partner has brought up to you that you don't take enough risks, if you can pinpoint several times when you have overthought yourself out of an orgasm, if your partner is getting more and more frustrated because you don't tell him how to meet your needs or because you shoot down every compliment that he gives you — chile, this was written with you totally in mind. Because the reality is, a lot of people aren't satisfied in bed and it has nothing to do with the person who is on top, underneath or beside them. It's all about the one who is staring at them in the mirror before they get in bed to begin with.
If you know that's you, it's time to make the self-judging madness stop. Here are seven suggestions on how to get onto the path to doing just that.
First Up: Where Did You Get Your Body Image From?
Once upon a time, I was a teen mom director for the local chapter of a national non-profit. That's a long way of saying that I would go into public high schools and help young women (sometimes young men too) to understand the power of their sexuality from a mental and emotional standpoint. One of the things that I shared with them is adolescence is such a fragile time and teen hormones are so rampant (and borderline reckless) that it's important to really learn how to love your individuality on your own before sharing your body with someone else. It's sad how many of them — and us — have to learn this lesson the hard way by allowing others to affect how we view our bodies because we share ourselves with them before we understand our true value.
That's why I think it's important to start right here. If you know that you are hypercritical of yourself during sex, first explore how you define body image, how you feel about your own body, and where you got the ideas that you currently have. Because the reality is if you've not a negative view of your body, it didn't come out of nowhere. Something or someone (usually several "things" and "ones") got you to feeling the way that you do and once you get to the root cause of these kinds of things, the easier it is to do some self-love journaling and mental reprogramming (check out "Self-Love Journaling & Why You Should Be Doing It" and "These 10 Hacks Will Help You Love Your Body More") so that your body image isn't from childhood brokenness, wacked out messages in adolescence or some sort of fear or trauma.
You can cultivate your body image from a much healthier space which will definitely help you to be less judgmental — both in and out of the bedroom.
Secondly: Stop Comparing Yourself to IG Models. Men Aren’t As into Them As You Think They Are.
I watch a lot of YouTube Black manosphere content and if there's one thing that the majority of them do not sing the praises of, it's IG models. Hey, I'm not knocking them. I'm just saying that I see video after video after video of men saying that they feel like between the photoshopping, filters, and agendas in the bios, they aren't really impressed beyond those ladies being something pretty to look at before they move on to something else. I think this is important to put on record because if there's a part of you who is too hard on yourself because you think that being sexy means you should have perfect skin, a tiny waist, and the biggest ass on the planet — please free yourself of that illusion and delusion. All of this reminds me of my favorite scene from the movie500 Days of Summer where one of the characters describes the woman of his dreams, then he explains what his girlfriend doesn't have that his dream girl does and then he ends with how his girlfriend is so much better at the end of the day because she's real — most importantly, they've got something real…together.
Listen, we've all got people who we think are fine and some mo' fine. I'm also willing to bet that you've come across some hotties on your socials. Yet how ridiculous would it be for your partner to withhold sex from you or not give his all in bed because he feels bad that he doesn't look like some random in a picture? Social media has its pros. It's also got its cons. Causing people to constantly critique themselves, especially to the point where they project their negative thoughts onto their partner, is definitely a downside. No doubt about it.
Third: Men Are Not Nearly As Critical of Us As We Are: Sex or Body-Wise
Speaking of what men think — take this how you want but I really do think it's interesting how much a lot of us spend time, resources, blood, sweat, and tears on stuff that men aren't all that drawn to. And before you blow a gasket, if you are honestly and sincerely getting BBLs, extensions, long eyelashes, breast augmentations, and whatever else you're interested in for yourself — do that. I mean that. All I'm saying is I talk to men, every day, on some level, for a living. And something that about 80 percent of them tell me is they like natural beauty — natural hair, natural bodies, not a ton of make-up. And the fact that hearing that triggers a lot of women fascinates me because how would you feel if men tried to tell you that what you prefer is wrong?
Anyway, where I'm going with this is a lot of times overthinking leads to being hypercritical, and being hypercritical leads to us creating movies in our minds where we think men have a problem with breasts that don't sit up underneath our necks, hair that isn't down to our butt or skin that doesn't have one stretch mark on or dimple in it. As a husband of 15-plus years once said to me, "All of this 'I don't think you're attracted to me' stuff that my wife sends me through is unnecessary. If you don't feel good about yourself, let's get you there but don't put your insecurities on me as if I have the problems with you that you have. I chose you. I'm still choosing you. I'm not thinking about the changes your body has gone through nearly as much as you are. Hell, I just wanna enjoy the body I've been blessed with." I hope the people in the back heard that.
Oh, and if you need some help with feeling better about yourself, outside of what your partner thinks, check out "10 Sensuous Ways To Boost Your Sexual Self-Esteem".
Fourth: Turn the Light on Sometimes. No, Really!
How about I know a woman who has been with a man for almost five years now and he's still never seen her fully naked. What in the world? She prefers to have sex at night, in pitch-black darkness. Even then, she finds some sort of reason to keep a T-shirt or bra on because she doesn't look how her breasts look during sex. Recently, she told me that it's starting to take a toll on her relationship (gee…ya think?) because her partner is finding her hiding herself to be somewhat juvenile and borderline ridiculous.
"What you need to do is have sex with the lights on," I told her. Yes, she looked at me like I was crazy, but I meant what I said. For one thing, no one said that you had to have bright overhead lighting going on. A blue, red, or purple light bulb or some lit candles can create a really beautiful and romantic setting. Secondly, men are stimulated visually, so while feeling your body is definitely a turn-on, seeing it can take his entire experience to another level. Third, I find that sex with the lights on can help to cultivate intimacy in a more profound kind of way because it's easier to maintain eye contact that way. And last, if you're someone who constantly judges yourself during sex, you're not gonna get past that by always hiding in the dark.
Once you "bring things into the light", it'll be easier for you to come to the realization that the fear that you had wasn't as big of a deal as you initially thought. That will help you to become more confident which will make you feel sexier which will make sex that much better — for you and for him.
Fifth: Be Intentional About Not Seeing Sex As a Competition
If you've read my content on this site long enough, something that you've definitely heard me say before is, "If I said that you were cute, I just judged you. That's how I know that people don't have a problem with being 'judged'; they have a problem with being criticized and/or held accountable for their words and actions." Just think — beauty pageants have judges. Dancing with the Stars has judges. You get where I am going with this. And judges are there to decide who did something the best.
OK, but why would you or your partner be in this kind of headspace during sex? What I mean by that is the two of you shouldn't be "judging each other", you should be enjoying each other. And if there's a part of you that's like, "I hear you, Shellie but I can't help but wonder how much prettier, sexier or better skilled the women who came before me were" — again, he's with you now and you didn't have to twist his arm (right?). Besides, every single sexual experience is different. Therefore, whatever you bring to the table — bed, shower…wherever — is gonna be unique all on its own because you are. So, while it may be human to have those kinds of thoughts, try not to dwell on them too much because since there's only one you, there is chemistry, energy, and a dynamic that only you can bring into his life and set of memories. This brings me to my sixth point.
Sixth: Treat Yourself As an Honor and a Privilege. BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE.
One of the reasons why casual sex, on many levels, triggers me, is because it causes people to treat their partners like a literal definition of the word — apathetic. When you're apathetic, you're indifferent. When you're apathetic, you show little emotion. When you're apathetic, honestly, at the end of the day, you don't really care all that much. And when you're actually allowing someone to enter inside of your body while they have this kind of attitude and energy, do you see how that word (and frame of mind) can be problematic as hell?
Not everyone thinks that sex is solely for marriage or a long-term serious relationship. Understood. At the same time, there is no way that you're going to improve your self-confidence, as far as sex is concerned, if you don't go into each and every experience as seeing yourself as an honor and privilege for someone else to experience. And in order for that to happen — you've got to vet your partners more thoroughly, set standards for what are clear sexual deal-breakers (check out "These Are The Deal-Breakers You Shouldn't Hesitate To Have In The Bedroom"), and make sure that you are treated with a level of respect before ever disrobing.
You know, a "con" to casual sex that isn't discussed enough is the fact that sometimes being in a casual experience with someone who sees you casually is that you can start to see yourself that way too. And here's the thing — you should never allow words like careless, offhand, shallow, superficial, and yes, apathetic to be how you allow others to treat you or to define how you choose to see yourself. When it comes to the sexual decisions that you make, please always keep this in mind.
Seventh and Final Point: Stay in the Moment. Let Go. Enjoy the Ride. Yes, Literally.
I can already tell you — shoot, almost guarantee you — that if you go into sex already looking down on yourself or overthinking every little detail, you're not going to have all that much of a good time. Your partner isn't going to either. Something that I tell my clients often is if there is a time and space when you should just chill out, let go and have as much fun as you possibly can, it's when you're having sex with someone.
So, as difficult as it might initially be, please take all of what I just said to heart and try and just be in the moment with your partner. Verbalize your secret desires. Add some ambiance. Let him show you what he adores most about your body from head to toe (trust me, he's got some favorite spots). STOP THINKING SO HARD. Again, stop judging and do more enjoying. The more you make that your sex mantra, the easier it will be to replace judging yourself and sex with loving yourself and sex. Feel me? Somehow, I bet you do.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Meet Kiara Walker: The Bold New Voice Giving Men A Safe Space To Be Real On ‘xoMAN’
Kiara Walker was born to entertain. Her childhood experiences helped shape her destiny as a media personality, and now she’s taking her talents to xoNecole.
A Dallas, Texas native and Atlanta transplant, Walker will host the newest Will Packer Media and xoNecole production, xoMAN podcast. This fresh podcast series provides a platform for authentic and transformative conversations that bridge the gap between the introspection men crave and their real-life experiences.
xoMAN started as an Instagram Live series and is now a full-cast production, with Walker as the host. Initially, she was skeptical about joining as the new host of xoMan. Not because she doesn’t have the chops to thrive in the role, but because coming in on something that wasn’t her original idea initially seemed daunting for the media personality.
However, since she loves a challenge, the CockTales: Dirty Discussionspodcast host embraced the task with an open heart and mind.
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“I was like, this is a cool concept, so I’m so glad that they decided to turn it into a podcast,” Walker tells xoNecole. “It’s been interesting to take somebody else’s idea and try to turn it into a thing, put it together, and bring it to fruition. I am anxious, nervous, and all things, but above all, I’m excited.”
When xoNecole's managing editor Sheriden Garrett approached Walker to take on the position, it felt like fate. She had previously attempted to get Garrett on her CockTales platform about six or seven years ago due to her expertise in the love and relationship space.
“I was like, wait, y’all listen to the show? And you want me to host a show where I’m only talking to men? And I’m listening to them and not giving them a hard time? I say that because sometimes I feel like, on my show, I may come off like I don’t even like men," she says.
"I love men, but it can be frustrating sometimes on that platform, social media, and other places when they continue to regurgitate the same rhetoric about what I like to call Twitter topics, like constantly talking about who’s paying as a man, as a woman. You should do this. You should do that…It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
A Howard graduate, Walker almost didn’t enter the world of media after listening to advice from elders who said she would make a great lawyer because she loves to debate topics and sometimes argue (haha).
"It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
After traveling to the nation’s capital to study political science, Walker soon discovered that her only motivation for becoming an attorney was the potential income and witnessing how boss women like Erika Alexander’s Maxine Shaw character on Living Single would look in their suits as career women.
“I realized that this was for real,” she says, studying law at Howard. “This is a lot of work, and when you think about what you do, I was like, this is not a performance, and I just wanted to talk. I wasn’t trying to defend anyone.”
A visit to a fair showcasing the different organizations on Howard’s campus, combined with her affinity for celebrity gossip and entertainment news, ultimately led Walker to explore a radio career. Soon, she auditioned for a show and landed the gig. By the spring semester, she was on the radio, ultimately leading her to switch her major to journalism with a concentration in broadcast news.
Soon after earning her degree in the field, Walker decided she didn’t want to do anything related to hard news. Instead, she became involved in lifestyle content. She used her friends' love of hearing her stories to motivate her to get into podcasting.
The rest is, as they say, history.
“Before podcasts became what they are, I was in a living room with a microphone before ultimately moving to a studio and refining the show. I loved it and knew people were listening because I monitored the analytics and everything," she explains.
"When we decided to do a live show, the show sold out in two weeks, and I was so nervous. I was like, 'Are we ready? Are we gonna be able to sell out this venue?' We didn’t have any sponsorship. We were still independent and had to front the money for everything.”
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“When they sold out in two weeks, not only did I price my tickets too low, but I thought, wow, we’ve got something. I was like, people spent money to hear me and my co-host talking about our shitty love lives. This is wild, all from an idea in my head. It made me feel like I was on the right path and encouraged me to stop doubting myself. I have imposter syndrome," she reveals.
"Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do. I love it. No matter how many sleepless nights I have, I will continue to have bags under my eyes until the end of time because I’m enjoying it.”
"I have imposter syndrome. Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do."
In between garnering a strong social media presence for her work as a podcast host, lifestyle influencer, and beyond, Walker has managed to use her many gifts and talents, like cooking, and most importantly, giving a strong opinion about the things she does (or doesn’t) believe in to carve out a lane of her own.
As she embarks on this chapter as the host of xoMAN, where she has already spoken with actors Devale Ellis and Skyh Black and Dear Future Wifey podcast host Laterras R. Whitfield, Walker hopes that it encourages people, especially women, to look at their male counterparts from a different perspective.
“I hope that anyone listening can listen to the first few episodes, hear how different each man is, and learn to let down whatever preconceived notions you have about me or a specific man, whoever it is in your life," she says. "Just listen, talk to them, ask them how they feel, and listen with an open mind, without thinking that you already know what the answer is.”
“I just hope that people learn to, again, not put people in boxes and make the other person, whoever it is, men specifically for this show, but sit down and talk with an open mind and listen to understand, not to respond. Help someone feel safe.”
xoMAN officially launches on Tuesday, June. 17.
Feature image courtesy