Estranged From A Family Member? Let That Guilt Go.
A year before my dad died (which was seven years ago), he and I had a series of conversations about my relatives on his side—and his marriage to my mother. Some things I already knew. Some things I was waiting to connect some dots on. Some things flat-out surprised me—and totally disgusted me.
I would give some details; however, while I am certainly an open book, I still want to be careful with how much I share about all three points because 1) a lot of people in my family aren't even close to being as candid (or shoot even honest); 2) I'm not writing this in order to "put people on blast"; and 3) interestingly enough, choosing to separate myself from certain family members is what's helped me to be less pissed and more gracious. Gracious about what? How I'm going to address why I don't involve myself with certain family members anymore. On both sides of my DNA.
I know that family estrangement is still a really radical concept to some people. Still, I totally mean it when I say that you oftentimes don't realize just how much you are only further traumatizing yourself and hindering your growth as an individual by still intimately involving yourself with your relatives…only for the simple fact that they are your relatives. After all, you know what they say—all skinfolk ain't kinfolk and chile, when it comes to healing and thriving as an individual, I sometimes believe that no truer words have been spoken.
On the open tip, what I will say is I'm a survivor of almost every type of abuse you can imagine, including neglect. Neglect from many members of my family too. At the same time, I think it's important to state that it wasn't the kind of abuse that happened every day. In fact, the running statement I make in interviews is what my family did well, it was "A level." Problem is, there really wasn't anything between an "A" and an "F". Either what they did was really great or it sucked and was the lowest of the low. BIG TIME. And because I really believe that I am a generational curse breaker, in order to truly break so many of the patterns and cycles, I had to get away from the classic definition of insanity—doing the same thing while expecting a different result. And yes, that included leaving certain relatives behind. Definitely for now. Possibly forever.
That's what we're going to tackle today. Whether you are currently estranged from a relative—or like a close friend of mine, an entire side of your family—or you're contemplating if that's something you should do for your overall ultimate health and well-being, I'm going to share with you, from very personal experience, why that is absolutely nothing to feel shame, guilt or embarrassment about. Now take a deep breath. You ready?
If ANYONE Should Be Your Safe Place, It’s Your Family
It might sound crazy to say that there are benefits from estrangement yet, there are. Trust me. When it comes to mine, one of the things that a lot of my tribe says is, although I'm "Shellie" and gonna always be "Shellie" (LOL), removing myself from toxic family members has caused me to be a lot calmer overall. I agree. Back when I was still involving myself in the cyclic BS, I used to feel so out of control and somewhat intimidated by certain relatives. Leaving them alone caused me to feel more in control which caused me to not want to control everyone and everything else. And I definitely wouldn't have discovered that without fully separating myself.
This brings me to my first point. There is a particular toxic relative who I realize caused me to pick female friends who were very similar to them—beautiful, talented, manipulative, selfish and emotionally unstable. I would pick these kinds of women over and over and over again because that relative had a strong influence in my life. Once I unraveled myself from that person, though, I realized I kept choosing unhealthy friends because I didn't know what healthy looked like. And one thing that healthy is? It's safe.
Safe is a big deal to me (check out "Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members"). It means that I'm protected. It means that I'm not subject to being hurt or harmed. It means that I'm in an environment or dynamic that is at little risk for pain or drama. Y'all, for some of us, the most unsafe individuals are our family members. That's why I'm the kind of person who actually gets pretty pissed off when people say that you shouldn't distance yourself from family members just because they're related to you.
What the hell are y'all talking about? If you've got relatives who are constantly putting you in harm's way—do you get that the last people who should be doing that are them? So, if they are the ones who are unsafe for you, at the very least, take a season to take care of yourself, because all they will keep doing is taking advantage of your vulnerability and, if you've got any (which isn't uncommon), even your feelings of fear.
Only Boundary-Violators Have a Problem with Boundaries
When I first decided to remove myself from all of the familiar crap, there was one person in particular who confirmed, LOUD AND CLEAR, exactly why I needed to do it in the first place. They showed up at my house unannounced (and uninvited; after I made it clear to them that they weren't welcome). They tried to dictate how I should conduct myself within my own space (remember y'all, I'm in my 40s). They sent other boundary-violators my way; people who had hurt me tremendously while growing up. WTF? Oh, I was pissed. I'm still a little triggered just thinking about it.
After getting still and reflecting, I realized that they were doing what they had always done—not respected my space. Or feelings. Or needs. They weren't going to change. I had to. This is actually one of the reasons why I am so "pro-estrangement"—again, at least for a season—if you've got toxic relatives in your life. It's so you can get quiet and still enough to ponder and process what the hell is actually going on, because sometimes stuff is so chaotic that you can't get a grasp of what is truly causing or triggering it.
Oh, but when you step out from this ish, I promise you that a part of what you'll realize is that the people who really and truly love you, they are going to honor your boundaries. They won't demand that you break them for their benefit. They won't dismiss them as if they are irrelevant. They won't try and talk you out of them. Even if they don't fully understand what is going on, they are going to respect your limits because what healthy people know is love and respect work hand in hand. Sis, no one truly loves you—family or not—if they don't respect you. And respect means accepting your boundaries. Simply because you set them.
Sometimes Forgiveness Means Removing Yourself from Being Tempted to Not Forgive
I strive to be a Bible follower. And so, I am well aware of the fact that the Bible says that in order for God to forgive us, we must forgive others (Matthew 6:14-15). This is why I don't cosign with people who think that you shouldn't forgive others. NO ONE is worth me being in an unstable place with my Creator. At the same time, again, the Bible says that in order to be right with the Lord, we must forgive. It does not say that when people abuse/mistreat/constantly offend us that we need to act like those things never happened or that we should remain in their hamster wheel of drama.
That's why, it is truly my belief that, in order for reconciliation to transpire (something else that the Bible also speaks of—2 Corinthians 5:17-19), not only does the victim need to forgive, the victimizer needs to repent as well. For the record, repentance isn't just about saying "I'm sorry." It's about making an amends too. It's about being proactive and intentional about righting the wrongs. Yeah, that sermon isn't preached nearly enough.
That's why this point is phrased in the way that it is. There are some people in my family who, whether it's intentional or unintentional, they just constantly cause harm and pain. Will they apologize? Sometimes. Well, they do that justification-not-taking-full-responsibility kind of apologizing (which isn't much of one). Yet my issue is they will do that, only to commit the same offense, on some level, not soon after.
Again, I know that the Bible says that I must forgive which is another reason why there is distance. It's because, since you're gonna keep "slapping me" (so to speak) and it's getting harder and harder to forgive you for it, how about I acknowledge just how broken you really are in that area and 1) give you nothing to slap and 2) pull myself out of the position where it's getting harder and harder to forgive you when you do it? It's not a common way of thinking yet it's been a very freeing one for me. Straight up.
When People Didn’t Love You Well, Please Make Sure That You Do
The last guy that I loved? It's funny that the moment that I removed myself from certain family members, the less appealing he became. In hindsight, I realized that he was just as smart, funny, creative, charming and interesting as they were. He was also just as unstable, manipulative, gaslighting, narcissistic and selfish as they were too. On some levels, I loved him because "thanks" to those relatives' example of love, I thought that is what love looked like. Ugh. I'm not saying all of this to demonize ole' boy. I know a lot about his own family dynamic and he honestly could stand to take some time off them from them too. Yet that's not my issue or problem.
What estrangement has done for me is driven home the point that, rather than spending (or is it wasting?) time trying to get toxic family members (or toxic men) to love me in the way that I deserve to be loved, it's better to distance myself and discover how to redefine love and then love myself better. That way, I can cultivate a new standard and therefore prevent myself from getting into relationships/friendships with individuals who do nothing more than mirror the family drama and dysfunction that I had gotten so accustomed to for so many years.
Another benefit of estrangement is you're not imprisoned by what you thought love looked like. You can get the time and space to free yourself up enough to understand just how warm, comforting, beneficial, encouraging and consistent real love actually is.
Guilt Is Typically Placed on Us. By Toxic People.
OK, so let me hit on the guilt that you might be feeling regarding being estranged right now. Honestly, this could be a book all unto itself because a lot of people who struggle with guilt? It's oftentimes because they were surrounded by manipulative people some/most/all of their lives. Manipulative folks 1) don't like to take accountability for their actions; 2) get off on using puppet strings to try and control people's thoughts, actions and emotions, and 3) they are the kings and queens of deflection; if they can make you feel bad for what they've done, they will do it. Every time.
As a direct result, when you make the decision to distance yourself from them, you already know what they're gonna do, right? Guilt trip you (or send someone your way to do their dirty work for them). Before you know it, you find yourself having a hard time sleeping; you're feeling anxious; you're not trusting your own judgment; you're being indecisive; you're feeling like you have to defend/explain/apologize for everything—I could go on and on about what guilt looks like. My main point in bringing this up is, as you're reading this, I hope you can see how a lot of the guilt you may feel now is because, when it comes to the people you are distancing yourself from, you've probably always felt it. Take it up a notch and it's also why you've always stayed in the toxic pattern with them. Guilt has been overpowering you. It's time to let it go.
Listen, while I'm all about feeling remorseful when necessary, guilt is not the same thing. Not only that but very rarely does guilt do any of us any good. All it does is give us distressful feelings. Ones that, more times than not, cause us to either make poor decisions or ones that don't really make us a priority in the long run.
If you're tempted to feel guilty about the decision you've made to let some family members go (check out "Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead"), do some self-love journaling so that you can remind yourself why you made the decision in the first place. Then jot down some areas where you've improved since making the shift. Some of us constantly feel guilty for choosing us because we've never done it before. Loving on you, healing you, figuring out who and what are truly best for you? That is NOTHING to feel guilty about. Remove yourself from anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. Straight up.
Let (Internal) Peace Be Your Guide
Listen, the older—and hopefully wiser and more mature—that you get, the more you want peace in your life. LAWD. Yeah, something that my mother used to say is I was violent about my own peace and development. Looking back, that's one of the best things she's ever said to me because when you are at peace—I mean the Hebrew word for peace is shalom which means things like whole and complete—there is nothing like it. Once you achieve it, you get to a point and place that any person, place, thing or idea that hinders it (especially on a constant basis) is something that you need to keep your distance from.
Life comes with so many challenges, simply because that is how life is. Yet if yours seems to be in constant upheavals, step back and think about if your family has anything to do with it. If you can name at least five reasons why the answer is "yes"—at the very least, establish firm and unapologetic boundaries. Or, if like in my case, either things are so unhealthy and/or they keep violating your limits, removing them from your life, as a consequence of their destructive behavior, is nothing to feel bad about.
Miss them? I get it. Wish things were different? I totally understand. Sacrifice your peace just to stay in chaos and drama? It's really not worth it. No one said that estrangement had to be forever. It really kind of depends on how well you heal and how much the people who hurt/harmed you have changed during the time apart. Yet if you know your family is infecting your life, please take care of you.
That way, you can spend less time in their drama and more time living the life you never thought was possible…until you removed yourself from their mess. Again, I am a living testimony of this. Peace personified. Finally.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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12 Wives Share Creative Ways To Express Gratitude In Your Relationship
I won’t lie to y’all — one of the most challenging things about being a marriage life coach is the fact that, a lot of times, people wait until their marriage is literally on its last leg before seeking any type of professional help. It’s like they are pretty much saying, “My marriage is a complete dumpster fire. Now get it back healthy in five sessions or less.” It’s another message for another time that therapy and/or coaching don’t exactly work that way. For now, though, let’s briefly discuss how so many unions get to that point in the first place.
Feeling (or being) taken for granted. I can’t tell you how many calls, emails, or texts I’ve received where a husband or wife is totally at their wit’s end because they feel like their spouse is not grateful for the things that they do. And when you keep on giving, and the other person isn’t appreciative, that really is the beginning of a downward spiral, one that can be hard to come back from if you let too much time pass by.
So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving being just a few days away (where is this year going, y’all?!), I asked 12 wives to share with me some of the not-so-immediately-obvious things that they proactively do to let the number one man in their life know that they see him, they love him, and they are oh so very thankful for him — each and every day that they “do life” together. May it inspire you to stay the course (if you’re already doing something on your own), follow suit, or come up with a way to love on your boo thang in a similar fashion as well.
*Middle names have been used so that people can speak freely*
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Diane. 37. Married for 11 Years.
“If a lot of women were honest, they’d own the fact that most of the dates that they go on with their boo consist of things that they want to do more than what he does; at the most, it’s a compromise on his part. My husband and I try and go on two dates a month: he plans one, and I plan one. What I try to do on mine is either come up with something that I know he will enjoy or at least ask him if there’s something that he would like to do. Not all of his answers are things that I like, but it has expanded my world a lot. I’ve learned about soccer. I’ve gone skydiving. I’ve definitely tried some new foods. And he feels like I care about what he cares about. He feels appreciated, so it works.”
Wychelle. 42 Married for 15 Years.
“Around every six weeks, I have a DIY pamper day at home. It’s not for both of us, it’s for my husband only. I will give him a facial, rub his feet, give him a manicure, run him a bath with some lavender oil and Epsom salt, and prepare his favorite meal while his favorite music plays. He really looks forward to those days, and I’ve found that we have the most intimate conversations then. He said it’s because his guard is totally down because I make him feel cherished during those moments. That’s why I like doing it so much.”
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Astrid. 37. Married for 10 Years.
“I wish I could do it more than this, but I try to let my husband stay in bed, all day, at least once a season [four times a year]. Between our kids and our hectic schedule, even that’s close to impossible, but I will get the kids over to somebody’s house for at least a night, if not a whole weekend, so that he can sleep in, I can make him breakfast in bed, he can have sole control of the remote, we can have some what we call ‘loud sex,’ and he can take long naps. He literally lives for those days, and I’m happy to do it!”
Oakland. 25. Married for One Year.
“One of the ‘wife mentors’ in my life often says that being a Black man in this country is a very thankless position. So, I try and send my husband random thank-you texts throughout the day: ‘Thank you’ for cooking dinner last night; ‘Thank you’ for being cool about my breaking the budget on my Target runs; ‘Thank you’ for just being yourself. I usually get an ‘I love you’ reply afterwards. I love that.”
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Eve. 31. Married for Six Years.
“My husband is an extrovert. I am anything but, so a way that we had to strike a compromise was to do some day or weekend trips since I’m not the biggest people person or traveler. We will take a major trip once a year, but in between those times, I’ll look for a town or city that is no more than 6-8 hours, and we’ll tour that. It helps to keep him not feeling so antsy about always having to stay close to home; plus, he says that he loves that I am willing to step out of my comfort zone that way — because he knows that, if it were up to me, I’d be home all day, every day.”
Larissa. 46. Married for Eight Years.
“I took a big leap of faith and quit my job this year to follow my passion. Our kids are in college, and we saved up enough money for the past three years for me to do it. It’s still a sacrifice on my husband’s part because he’s remaining in a position that he’s not thrilled with so that I can make my dreams happen. One way that I show him how grateful I am for the sacrifice is I purchase things that feed into his own passion projects which are all music-related. I get equipment when I can. I’m constantly sending him podcasts and videos about it. I get him concert tickets. I try to do things to let him know that this is only a season — he will be able to do his thing too…soon.”
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Yvonne. 24. Married for 11 Years.
“At the end of every month, I jot down at least 15 things that I really appreciated that he did that month and I post it on the fridge. I think it’s important that he sees it and our children because they need to know that their mommy sees their father. They also need to get used to seeing what happens ‘behind the scenes’ that they might not know about — things that keep the ball rolling around here.”
Serenity. 46. Married for 21 Years.
“I don’t nag my husband, and it’s as simple as that. How many times have you heard that a man just wants some peace? In my over 20 years of marriage, I’ve learned that the best way to show a man how much you care about him is to give him what he needs, and no man needs to feel like he’s always being hounded about something all of the time. A lot of you won’t listen, but I’ve got some experience under my belt. Give that man peace, and he’ll feel like you’re thankful for him.”
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Chayla. 27. Married for Three Years.
“One of the best things that I ever did for my marriage is actually something that you recommended. Remember how, during our first year, I was in some serious marriage culture shock, and you said that I should try the ‘respect challenge’? I grew up in the Church, and so I knew about what the Bible says about respecting your husband but no one really explained what that looks like. Once a year, I will do the challenge, and it’s like ‘pushing reset’ in a lot of ways. He feels more appreciated, and he goes out of his way to indulge me during those times.”
Lynn. 33. Married for One Year.
“Something that my parents and grandparents did is put a gratitude journal on their nightstand: one for the husband and the other for the wife. They committed to put something that they were grateful for when it came to one another, no less than twice a week. Both [couples] are still married. My husband and I are carrying the tradition.”
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Athena. 33. Married for Five Years.
“I cook four nights a week, my husband cooks two, and we either go out once a week or order in. My husband is gonna eat whatever I prepare, but we’re both foodies. That’s why, once a week, I ask him for his personal request and make that. He loves that. It’s my way of showing him that I ‘see’ him, and since I haven’t grocery shopped in over a year now, it’s not stressful to do at all.”
Thalia. 50. Married for 30 Years.
“My husband and I have been going on ‘I thank you walks’ after dinner for the past 27 years or so. In the beginning of our marriage, we both were resentful because we weren’t raised to apologize or show gratitude. One day, I read an article about a couple who took thank-you strolls in order to get some quality time in and to tell each other why they were thankful for each other. They said it changed their marriage, and it improved ours too. We do it every night. It’s a tradition and, sometimes, the very best part of our day.”
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Author Brené Brown once said, "I don't have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness—it's right in front of me if I'm paying attention and practicing gratitude." Just imagine how much more awesome marriage would be to so many, if they applied this to, not only being grateful for their spouse but expressing their gratitude to them. Not just on Thanksgiving but every day. I hope this inspires you to do just that.
Good husbands are a true blessing. Make sure that they know that you know it. Often.
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